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Consistently less communication before and after sex


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29 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

He asked me if I can meet him on Sunday evening. I had plans so I said I cannot. 

How do you know he intended a "booty call" at his?  Is that what his text said?   Or are just assuming he meant to meet at his?

How do you know (had you been available) he wouldn't have invited you out?

We're missing context.  

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28 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

I agree. I said next weekend I genuinely have made plans with friends. So, even if he invites me over for a proper date, I can't go anyway. 

What are you wanting with this guy?  If it's an actual relationship, it would behoove you to be available.  If you're so busy every or most weekends (I mean it's Monday and you claim you have plans NEXT weekend and you had plans on Sunday) then how do you plan on having a relationship with him or any man?

My advice?  Stop playing games and stop assuming things.  It seems like you're "punishing" him for spending the weekend with his friend so now out of spite, YOU won't be available.

I asked this in my previous.  How do you know by him asking if you if you're available to meet on Sunday, he meant a booty call at his?

What do you want?

 

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Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

What are you wanting with this guy?  If it's an actual relationship, it would behoove you to be available.  If you're so busy every or most weekends (I mean it's Monday and you claim you have plans NEXT weekend) then how do you plan on having a relationship with him or any man?

My advice?  Stop playing games and stop assuming things.  It seems like you're "punishing" him for spending the weekend with his friend so now out of spite, YOU won't be available.

I asked this in my previous.  How do you know by him asking if you if you're available to meet on Sunday, he meant a booty call at his?

What do you want?

 

No I genuinely have plans. Not playing any games at this age. 

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1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What are you wanting with this guy?  If it's an actual relationship, it would behoove you to be available.  If you're so busy every or most weekends (I mean it's Monday and you claim you have plans NEXT weekend) then how do you plan on having a relationship with him or any man?

My advice?  Stop playing games and stop assuming things.  It seems like you're "punishing" him for spending the weekend with his friend so now out of spite, YOU won't be available.

I asked this in my previous.  How do you know by him asking if you if you're available to meet on Sunday, he meant a booty call at his?

What do you want?

 

How do you assume if he says he has got plans, then it is genuine and I shouldn't assume otherwise while a women says that she cannot be that busy? 🤔

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12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How do you know he intended a "booty call" at his?  Is that what his text said?   Or are just assuming he meant to meet at his?

How do you know (had you been available) he wouldn't have invited you out?

We're missing context.  

He said he will pick me up from a station I know is close to his home. So I had to assume that's what he wanted. 

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Just now, TanyaJo said:

How do you assume if he says he has got plans, then it is genuine and I shouldn't assume otherwise while a women says that she cannot be that busy? 🤔

If you want to date this man make yourself available at least one weekend night within the next week unless you are out of town for vacation or a business trip. And tell him when you are free. Going over his place last minute is not a date and means you are at best Plan B (and then heaven forbid you need to take Plan B….)

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Just now, TanyaJo said:

No I genuinely have plans. Not playing any games at this age. 

Okay well most women when they're interested in a man and developing a RL, make themselves available.  I mean again, next weekend is six days away!

There is a saying "interested people act interested," you are NOT.  So IF you like this guy and he stops pursuing don't come crying to us.

Even IF he invited you over to his, you can always suggest a date outside the house.

You have already had sex with this guy so he's gonna at least suggest it.  He's attracted to you and when men are attracted they want sex.

If you want to dial things back, then suggest something outside the house.

Gauge his response, if he hems and haws and tries to convince you to meet at his, dump him!!!

But damn give the guy a break for heaven's sake and stop assuming.

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

If you want to date this man make yourself available at least one weekend night within the next week unless you are out of town for vacation or a business trip. And tell him when you are free. Going over his place last minute is not a date and means you are at best Plan B (and then heaven forbid you need to take Plan B….)

I agree. I have texted him that next Friday is the only day I am free this week / weekend

I haven't got a reply yet. I'm going to a speed dating event on Saturday. Defiantly Not waiting around for this guy. 

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57 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

He said he will pick me up from a station I know is close to his home. So I had to assume that's what he wanted. 

No you don't KNOW, that is an assumption.  He may have wanted to end the date at his, after taking you out, but again you can always decline.  Set some boundaries and gauge his response.

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1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Okay well most women when they're interested in a man and developing a RL, make themselves available.  I mean again, next weekend is six days away!

There is a saying "interested people act interested," you are NOT.  So IF you like this guy and he stops pursuing don't come crying to us.

Even IF he invited you over to his, you can always suggest a date outside the house.

You have already had sex with this guy so he's gonna at least suggest it.  He's attracted to you and when men are attracted they want sex.

If you want to dial things back, then suggest something outside the house.

Gauge his response, if he hems and haws and tries to convince you to meet at his, dump him!!!

But damn give the guy a break for heaven's sake and stop assuming.

Ok ill recommend something like a walk or a music gig to spend the next date and see his reaction. That would probably give me my answer. 

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3 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

He said he will pick me up from a station I know is close to his home. So I had to assume that's what he wanted. 

I see. So be direct. “Thank you for offering to pick me up at the station. Let’s make a plan to (pick an activity that doesn’t involve his home maybe karaoke, walking along a pretty trail , bowling , ice cream whatever )

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2 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

I agree. I have texted him that next Friday is the only day I am free this week / weekend

I haven't got a reply yet. I'm going to a speed dating event on Saturday. Defiantly Not waiting around for this guy. 

How often are speed dating events ? I’d go on an actual date instead. 

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3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Okay well most women when they're interested in a man and developing a RL, make themselves available.  I mean again, next weekend is six days away!

There is a saying "interested people act interested," you are NOT.  So IF you like this guy and he stops pursuing don't come crying to us.

Even IF he invited you over to his, you can always suggest a date outside the house.

You have already had sex with this guy so he's gonna at least suggest it.  He's attracted to you and when men are attracted they want sex.

If you want to dial things back, then suggest something outside the house.

Gauge his response, if he hems and haws and tries to convince you to meet at his, dump him!!!

But damn give the guy a break for heaven's sake and stop assuming.

Hi! OP - I wrote mine while she wrote hers. Seems like there is a consensus building !

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55 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

How do you assume if he says he has got plans, then it is genuine and I shouldn't assume otherwise while a women says that she cannot be that busy? 🤔

Oh nevermind, it's clear you do NOT trust this guy, you assume all he wants his sex, so just dump him.  Nothing good or positive will ever come from dating a guy you don't trust and whom you think has some sort of agenda.

But let me remind you, YOU were the one who agreed to have early sex.   And because of that you have certain expectations which he's not living up to, which expectations are NOT his fault.  And IMO unrealistic at this VERY early stage.

Next time, I suggest you wait to have sex.  NONE of this would be happening if you had chosen to wait until you were ready.

Good luck.

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1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Oh nevermind, it's clear you do NOT trust this guy, you assume all he wants his sex, so just dump him.  Nothing good or positive will ever come from dating a guy you don't trust and whom you think has some sort of agenda.

But let me remind you, YOU were the one who agreed to have early sex.   And because of that you have certain expectations which he's not living up to, which expectations are NOT his fault.  And IMO unrealistic.

But good luck.

Yes expecting someone to be available on a Sunday without prior planning is a bit unreasonable. He probably now knows I'm more busy than he thought I was. It is not upto him to either plan or find someone who would suit his style. 

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17 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

Yes expecting someone to be available on a Sunday without prior planning is a bit unreasonable. He probably now knows I'm more busy than he thought I was. It is not upto him to either plan or find someone who would suit his style. 

Where did he say he "expected" you to be available?  He asked if you were available to meet!  That is not an expectation, it's a request.

You weren't available, most women when interested, would have suggested an alterative day you were available.  And waited for his response.

His intention may have been to take you out on a proper date, you DON'T know that it wasn't, you are assuming it wasn't. 

Why?  Because you don't trust him!  That is why I said just dump the guy and stop the back and forth BS.

JMO but you sound a bit distrustful and bitter about men in general.  That is how your posts come across at least to me.

I would explore that within yourself and/or with the help of a qualified therapist if your goal is a relationship with any man.

And take some responsibility for YOUR CHOICE to have sex with this man before you were ready.

 

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36 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How often are speed dating events ? I’d go on an actual date instead. 

It's a bit better, you save time by meeting many people in a short duration. 

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1 hour ago, TanyaJo said:

Ok so he texted me soon after his friend left. His text was "heading back home after dropping my friend off, how is your weekend going". He asked me if I can meet him on Sunday evening. I had plans so I said I cannot. Looks like he would like to meet me again however I'm unsure if he seems me as a hookup or a relationship material now that he sent me a late evening text to meet him at his place without planning on an actual date. 

Okay. So this was a good opportunity to decline and propose an alternative date since you had plans already and weren't keen on going to his house late in the evening.

By the way, I think that declining to go over to his house late in the evening was a good idea. Giving him an alternative evening that works for you would have given him the message that you are interested in seeing him, but not at his house late at night. Do you see the difference between what you did and what I suggest?

As far as whether he sees you as a hookup or a relationship material, I don't think you can read too much into this one message. It could be that after having been dating for a few weeks, he thought it was okay to see you at his house at night, whereas you prefer to go out. What do you think?

Also, given that you two already had sex, that doesn't mean courting has to go out the window. Whether you want to be planned dates, expressiveness, and caring is still going to be important, no matter what. This incident is a poor litmus test for that.

If he felt you were comfortable enough to go to his house when you did both have sex, he probably didn't see it as a disrespectful thing. 

I would suggest taking his messages at face value.

You could have clarified your preferences for going out and planning dates. Maybe something along the lines of "Hey, I had a lot of fun last time we hung out. I'm looking forward to seeing you again, can we plan something a little earlier in the evening? I think it would be nice to go out and do something together."

This clearly would have communicated your interest in seeing him and your preference. 

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I will generally defend busy people.  When I first met my husband he learned early on that if he wanted onto my social calendar I need a lot of notice.   As I sit here, I can tell you what I am doing almost every weekend from now until September 8 with limited flexibility.   

That said, I would cancel going to a speed dating event on Saturday in favor of going on an actual date.  If you had plans with a friend, of course don't cancel for some guy but turning down a date request that will presumably come before Friday, in favor of hunting for a different date seems counterintuitive. 

Just as an aside, I would be leery of a weekend speed date event.  The timing sends an off message to me.  You are sort of telegraphing you have nothing else to do.  I thought speed dating was during the week so you could go out with your match, assuming you got one, on the weekend.  That may be just me.  

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Right.   He's on dating apps looking, you're going to speed dating looking, neither one of you are prioritizing spending time together at all.

I'm curious, what were you thinking when you had sex with him?   Was it a heat of the moment thing and you just felt like it?  Or did you think that it was a progression of your relationship?   

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7 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Right.   He's on dating apps looking, you're going to speed dating looking, neither one of you are prioritizing spending time together at all.

I'm curious, what were you thinking when you had sex with him?   Was it a heat of the moment thing and you just felt like it?  Or did you think that it was a progression of your relationship?   

No it was just heat of the moment and unexpectedly it was good for both of us. 

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