I ran to a hotel with my toddler

[verdemar7]

I can’t tell if I’m dramatic or if my mind is groomed to accept toxic behavior from my upbringing. I left to church with my 3 year old this morning and decided not to go back home to his father (we are not married). We have been working on his anger issues, over the years he had a history of breaking my property, when I was pregnant he dragged me by the leg during an argument. He is working very hard to give us a better life, on a regular day he spends time with me and thinks of ways to make me happy. I can see the will in him to please me. He is not perfect, but I try to stay out of his way and let him figure things out like a man and he appreciates it. When he’s upset, I give him space. I’m rarely upset. But when my menstrual cycle comes on I hear all of these negative voices in my head, my energy feels depleted, it’s like I’m frozen. I ask him to leave me alone during this time so I can rest and have a safe place to process my emotions, and if I have an attitude it’s best he just stay out my way and not take it personal. I expect as a man he can provide this type of stability for me and my hormones, but no - because he didn’t like my “tone” he proceeded to correct me for my tone, tell me to shut up, which made me even more hormonal and say mean things. This just started a series of him saying things that made me realize he has zero compassion for what I go through. He told me my menstrual is just an excuse, and that he didn’t care if I was giving birth no one will speak to him in that tone. He recorded me while I was crying, which made me feel uncomfortable so when I pulled out my phone to record him he smashed it. I’m honestly scared of him, but it’s hard for me to close my mouth I am very hurtful (yet truthful) with my words. Which is why I decided to leave so I won’t make it worse. 

[ShySoul]

52 minutes ago, verdemar7 said:

when I was pregnant he dragged me by the leg during an argument... I expect as a man he can provide this type of stability for me and my hormones, but no - because he didn’t like my “tone” he proceeded to correct me for my tone, tell me to shut up, which made me even more hormonal and say mean things. This just started a series of him saying things that made me realize he has zero compassion for what I go through. He told me my menstrual is just an excuse, and that he didn’t care if I was giving birth no one will speak to him in that tone. He recorded me while I was crying, which made me feel uncomfortable so when I pulled out my phone to record him he smashed it.

None of that is being a man. He isn't figuring things out like a man, he's being a jerk blaming you and lashing out in violence. A man doesn't physically abuse a woman, especially a pregnant one. That is putting the healh of the woman he is suppose to love and the safety of his unborn child a risk. A man doesn't tell a woman to shup up, he talks with her calmly and reasonably. A man respects a woman's space and handles problems without resorting to yelling and violence. A man doesn't feel the need to record arguements and then hypocritically gets angry when the woman does the same.

That level of anger is not safe for you or your child. You are right to get away. And while it sounds like you aren't helping with some of your words, it is no excuse or justification for his actions. The situation is a powderkeg that can explode at any moment. Getting away is best. While you may see good in him, it doesn't outweigh the possible negative consequences of his worse tendencies. Think of your child. Do you want him in that environment? How would you feel if something happened to him?

Is there anywhere else you could go for a bit while you figure out what to do? Any family or close friend that you can stay with? 

[delmarvausa]

His issues sound as if he needs help. Regular people who love and respect their partners - do not result to intimidating tactics such as phone smashing, criticism, mocking your needs, etc. Normal adults control their emotions and don't react with abusive behaviors such as he has displayed.

 

Please consider leaving someone who breaks your things and makes you feel scared and threatened. That's not love, it's abuse, and he likely has real anger/control issues or other deep- rooted problems. Given that he has proven several times how he's willing to treat you, is there anything which gives you reason to think he would change on his own?

 

Leave. Call a friend or family member to obtain a safe place to stay. Only go back to obtain your things with a couple of people who can step in to mediate if necessary, or consider calling the police if he flies into a rage. You don't deserve to live in fear or be treated like this @verdemar7 and what if he escalates his behavior and becomes more hurtful to you? Please get your yourself and your child out of here. Prayers. 

[Jaunty]

Sounds like your entire relationship is a mess.   Yes the man sounds like  a chronic abuser but you are also playing into the dramas (pulling out your phone to record him because he recorded you for example).   Really, it sounds toxic, and potentially dangerous to you and your child.

[tattoobunnie]

You need to get a history on file.  Please speak with a lawyer or officer as soon as possible.  You don't have to press charges, but you need to get something documenting, or he can turn it around on you as kidnapping.  Do not wait.  Go today.  Even if you feel like maybe it wasn't so bad, it's already been bad, and will get worse.

[catfeeder]

Contact your local hospital's human services department for an appointment with a social worker. Ask for resources for domestic violence prevention and a referral to a counselor who specializes in this field.

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, catfeeder said:

Contact your local hospital's human services department for an appointment with a social worker. Ask for resources for domestic violence prevention and a referral to a counselor who specializes in this field.

Yes! Sorry. I couldn't remember the process if you cannot consult a lawyer. This ↑

[catfeeder]

7 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Yes! Sorry. I couldn't remember the process if you cannot consult a lawyer. This ↑

Yes, legal aid would be one of the resources I'd request, along with a domestic violence counselor who can help you with practical 'safe' planning and offer resources not generally known to the public for safety reasons.

[Cherylyn]

He's abusive and you need to do something about your hormonal outbursts by seeking medical attention to address it.  Both of you are mismatch.  He does not sound like a keeper. 

[verdemar7]

15 hours ago, ShySoul said:

None of that is being a man. He isn't figuring things out like a man, he's being a jerk blaming you and lashing out in violence. A man doesn't physically abuse a woman, especially a pregnant one. That is putting the healh of the woman he is suppose to love and the safety of his unborn child a risk. A man doesn't tell a woman to shup up, he talks with her calmly and reasonably. A man respects a woman's space and handles problems without resorting to yelling and violence. A man doesn't feel the need to record arguements and then hypocritically gets angry when the woman does the same.

That level of anger is not safe for you or your child. You are right to get away. And while it sounds like you aren't helping with some of your words, it is no excuse or justification for his actions. The situation is a powderkeg that can explode at any moment. Getting away is best. While you may see good in him, it doesn't outweigh the possible negative consequences of his worse tendencies. Think of your child. Do you want him in that environment? How would you feel if something happened to him?

Is there anywhere else you could go for a bit while you figure out what to do? Any family or close friend that you can stay with? 

I appreciate your response..Yes, you are correct. He gaslights me and throws in my face all the nice things he does for me and that if I would just accept correction none of this will happen.
 

 I have to keep my child at the center of every decision I make and see beyond the gaslighting . I’m embarrassed to stay with family as this is not the first time it happens. I think I’m ready to make the official move of getting my own place. I have been staying at a hotel for free (credit card points) and I’m working on getting access to my phone so I can 

[verdemar7]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

He's abusive and you need to do something about your hormonal outbursts by seeking medical attention to address it.  Both of you are mismatch.  He does not sound like a keeper. 

I’m curious about hormonal outbursts. I called him to me for help, and he didn’t like my tone. When I tried to explain that it’s not personal I just have a lot on my mind (and a demanding 3 year old) he kept cutting me off which I believe would trigger anyone. Is “bad tone “ considered hormonal ourburst? 

[verdemar7]

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

You need to get a history on file.  Please speak with a lawyer or officer as soon as possible.  You don't have to press charges, but you need to get something documenting, or he can turn it around on you as kidnapping.  Do not wait.  Go today.  Even if you feel like maybe it wasn't so bad, it's already been bad, and will get worse.

Before church I made a police report and they gave me information to file an order of protection. Is a police report enough for documentation? Or should I go full on with order of protection? I was going to wait, if he gives me another tantrum then I was going to move forward with the order of protection process.

[verdemar7]

5 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Sounds like your entire relationship is a mess.   Yes the man sounds like  a chronic abuser but you are also playing into the dramas (pulling out your phone to record him because he recorded you for example).   Really, it sounds toxic, and potentially dangerous to you and your child.

I know. I hate when I give in. Which is why I left because he brings out the worse in me. He corners me a lot and follows me around because he’s upset we are in bad terms and wants me to see how “I’m wrong”.

[verdemar7]

12 hours ago, delmarvausa said:

His issues sound as if he needs help. Regular people who love and respect their partners - do not result to intimidating tactics such as phone smashing, criticism, mocking your needs, etc. Normal adults control their emotions and don't react with abusive behaviors such as he has displayed.

 

Please consider leaving someone who breaks your things and makes you feel scared and threatened. That's not love, it's abuse, and he likely has real anger/control issues or other deep- rooted problems. Given that he has proven several times how he's willing to treat you, is there anything which gives you reason to think he would change on his own?

 

Leave. Call a friend or family member to obtain a safe place to stay. Only go back to obtain your things with a couple of people who can step in to mediate if necessary, or consider calling the police if he flies into a rage. You don't deserve to live in fear or be treated like this @verdemar7 and what if he escalates his behavior and becomes more hurtful to you? Please get your yourself and your child out of here. Prayers. 

Thank you for your prayers. It’s hard to see what “normal” people do when I’m surrounded by toxic people most of my life. I have been reading and healing a lot so I can break free. This has been biggest and hopefully final challenge to break free.

[Cherylyn]

5 minutes ago, verdemar7 said:

I’m curious about hormonal outbursts. I called him to me for help, and he didn’t like my tone. When I tried to explain that it’s not personal I just have a lot on my mind (and a demanding 3 year old) he kept cutting me off which I believe would trigger anyone. Is “bad tone “ considered hormonal ourburst? 

He most likely senses your bad tone moodiness dependent on your cycle.  You're going to have to figure out how to manage your uncontrollable ire during that time of the month.  He's not responsible for what's happening to your body with every cycle.  You are.  In addition,  you're a young mother of a 3 year old so you're under stress and under a lot of stress having to interact with an abusive father of your child.  Rethink if a relationship with him is worth your misery. 

If you're economically dependent upon him,  then this is a dilemma and the only way out of it is to be strong and financially independent. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, verdemar7 said:

Thank you for your prayers. It’s hard to see what “normal” people do when I’m surrounded by toxic people most of my life. I have been reading and healing a lot so I can break free. This has been biggest and hopefully final challenge to break free.

@verdemar7, re bolded, I understand this^ 100% as I was also raised in an abusive and toxic environment.  Unfortunately it carried over to my adult relationships as it was "familiar" to me, my "normal."

Not to the extent of what you have described.  I mean this monster dragging you on the floor by the leg while pregnant besides being abusive, was debasing, demeaning, humiliating and in no way demonstrates any type of respect or caring for either YOU or your baby.

For ME, fortunately with the help of a really good therapist and my own internal work, I have and continue to move past this.  

You can too I promise you!!

Number one:  You need to leave this toxic relationship NOW, for not only your own physical health and safety but your emotional well being as well and that of your child.  I shudder to think how this monster/dangerous animal would behave should you choose to return.

Number Two:  I used to volunteer with social services so I know a bit about the system.  Are you in the U.S?  If not this may not apply but if you are, one thing you could do RIGHT NOW TODAY is google "social services in my area," (i.e. your zip code) and a list of the branches of Health and Human Services (or whatever such agency is called in your area) in will pop up.  Give any one of them a call and speak with a social worker. 

If you can't make the visit, she/he will visit you at the Church and know exactly what to do.

They can even offer financial help if you need.  But most importantly they will recommend and arrange a place for you and your child to stay so you are SAFE.  And they will work closely with you every step of the way. 

I implore you to do this immediately - TODAY.  Do NOT return to this wild animal.   I hesitate to even call such "person" a human being.

Continue posting here for support and I wish you and your toddler all the best!

Take care hon and STAY SAFE!! 💛

 

[TeeDee]

You are not being overly dramatic.  If anything you are underreacting.  

The minute he dragged you while being pregnant if it were me I would have been on the phone to the cops instantly.   There would be no second chance after that.  I would have been fighting to have in jail & the protective order in place for me & my child.  

 

I am concerned that you say you have negative voice in your head when it's your time of the month.  I don't know if you are having negative self talk, which we all sometimes do & it leads us to doubt ourselves (I'm not good; I'm fat etc.) or if this is something more serious for which you need treatment.  Even if it's the later he doesn't get to carry on about your "tone" or smash your phone.  

Glad you are not there now.  Keep yourself & your child safe.  Call a local domestic abuse hotline for more location specific info about what you can do next.   

[verdemar7]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@verdemar7, re bolded, I understand this^ 100% as I was also raised in an abusive and toxic environment.  Unfortunately it carried over to my adult relationships as it was "familiar" to me, my "normal."

Not to the extent of what you have described.  I mean this monster dragging you on the floor by the leg while pregnant besides being abusive, was debasing, demeaning, humiliating and in no way demonstrates any type of respect or caring for either YOU or your baby.

For ME, fortunately with the help of a really good therapist and my own internal work, I have and continue to move past this.  

You can too I promise you!!

Number one:  You need to leave this toxic relationship NOW, for not only your own physical health and safety but your emotional well being as well and that of your child.  I shudder to think how this monster/dangerous animal would behave should you choose to return.

Number Two:  I used to volunteer with social services so I know a bit about the system.  Are you in the U.S?  If not this may not apply but if you are, one thing you could do RIGHT NOW TODAY is google "social services in my area," (i.e. your zip code) and a list of the branches of Health and Human Services (or whatever such agency is called in your area) in will pop up.  Give any one of them a call and speak with a social worker. 

If you can't make the visit, she/he will visit you at the Church and know exactly what to do.

They can even offer financial help if you need.  But most importantly they will recommend and arrange a place for you and your child to stay so you are SAFE.  And they will work closely with you every step of the way. 

I implore you to do this immediately - TODAY.  Do NOT return to this wild animal.   I hesitate to even call such "person" a human being.

Continue posting here for support and I wish you and your toddler all the best!

Take care hon and STAY SAFE!! 💛

 

thank you so much for your words, they inspire me.  I will be looking into social services tonight 🙏

[verdemar7]

2 hours ago, TeeDee said:

You are not being overly dramatic.  If anything you are underreacting.  

The minute he dragged you while being pregnant if it were me I would have been on the phone to the cops instantly.   There would be no second chance after that.  I would have been fighting to have in jail & the protective order in place for me & my child.  

 

I am concerned that you say you have negative voice in your head when it's your time of the month.  I don't know if you are having negative self talk, which we all sometimes do & it leads us to doubt ourselves (I'm not good; I'm fat etc.) or if this is something more serious for which you need treatment.  Even if it's the later he doesn't get to carry on about your "tone" or smash your phone.  

Glad you are not there now.  Keep yourself & your child safe.  Call a local domestic abuse hotline for more location specific info about what you can do next.   

Yes, my own mother just asked me where do I get all my tolerance and patience from. Definitely not her. But I will create a better environment for my son.
 

As for my negative voices, it’s the usual self talk (ex: calling myself an idiot because I was holding a cooking pan even though I said out-loud I was going to order out. And because I was moving veryyy slow) I think I was just hormonal and under pressure from a hungry toddler. I take my monthly cycle as an opportunity to  journal  negative thoughts and release them… It’s hard to do that with his father’s outburst.
 

 

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, verdemar7 said:

 I’m embarrassed to stay with family as this is not the first time it happens

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You aren't the first person to make a bad choice in a partner and you won't be the last. What matters is the steps you take to making a better future for you and your child. Anyone who cares about you should want you to be safe and would want to help. You can't do everything on your own, so if there is anyone in your life who you don't consider to be toxic, don't be afraid to lean on them for support. Find organizations in your area to assist. Consult a lawyer for your legal rights. Do whatever it takes to free yourself of him and his horrible behavior.

Take it day by day. You are strong and can do it. I'll be thinking of you and wishing for things to get better.

 

 

[delmarvausa]

I hope you have been able to look into options @verdemar7? Several good and helpful comments on here suggest different forms of assistance which will hopefully help you plan your next steps. I worry for your safety as this guy seems to have a quick temper and what if things escalate and get worse? 🤔

 

Please let us know if you are okay and making progress to step away from a toxic situation. There is no shame in finding oneself in a less than ideal relationship - we've all done it and been there I think. This time however I think something was telling you to get out and go to a hotel to begin planning your next moves. Good for you starting the process; anyone can have bad days or the occasional outburst, but when it comes to hurting another human being, being abusive, even verbally, or damaging personal property, that crosses the line. Good luck!