How do I (27F) not repeat parental relationship dynamics with my first partners?

[pineappleafter563]

So here’s the rundown. 

I was homeschooled 12 to 18. I was raised middle-class and comfortable, but my parents were traumatized people who largely isolated us and were controlling deep into my mid 20s. It’s a sh*tshow of reasons as to why and how, but the key thing is that it happened—I moved out when I was 25. I stopped talking to them 6 months ago. 

Lots of healing from 25 to 27. I’m still a virgin, though, with no romantic experience. I’m making friends and deprogramming from the past, and I’m sure meeting a guy will happen and my love life will finally kick off. But I think I’m particularly vulnerable in a way I’d like to circumvent now. 

Maybe it’d happen with the first guy I sleep with, or the fourth, or the “best.” Either way, I’ve realized I’m used to only one man in my life. I’m used to be controlled (subtle or otherwise) and doted over like a daughter. I think I’m really vulnerable to latching onto a man because he’s the one to teach me sex; because he’s one of the first men in my life after my dad, especially so late at 27.

That would be very unhealthy, naive, and even potentially dangerous. I want to say I’d like to “get over this” now before I even begin, but I’m not sure how. 

Any advice?

TL;DR Formerly sheltered/controlled girl trying not to replay old relationship dynamics with first sexual partners. How to avoid psychological trap?

[smackie9]

Get professional therapy. 

[bluecastle]

I'm curious: What does it mean to be "deprogramming?" Talking to a therapist? Reading about things to expand your perspective? I'd like to hear more about that, if you're willing to share. 

Part of the reason I ask is: Your post displays a lot of awareness—about your past, your parents, and how all that could potentially affect/interfere with your adult life, especially in the realm of romance. And that awareness is great—the first step. 

The second step, if this makes sense, is to not be hyper-driven by that awareness. Metaphor: We all know that driving can be dangerous, that accidents can happen, and that some accidents can be awful, fatal. Thing is, the people who drive around with darting eyes and white knuckles, thinking constantly about the potential of getting into accidents? The people who are, in effect, driven by that while driving? They are often the ones who get into accidents—realizing their worst fears, in part, by being obsessed by them.  

In other words, try not to think of romance (and life in general) as a binary—one where you either (a) fall into the "psychological trap" to which  you are uniquely vulnerable or (b) succeed in avoiding that trap. Because in truth it is none of those, but something murkier, and all the more wonderful for that murk. Most all of us have experiences that go south, don't sit well, result in pain, echo pain/dynamics from our pasts, and so on. And all that is totally okay—the winds of life, not a verdict.

So long as you can spot that something is not feeling right—and it certainly sounds like you've found that switch, extricating yourself from a hard situation and beginning to carve out a life makes room for your authentic self—you will be okay. 

[TeeDee]

Recognizing the problem or in your case the potential for a problem is a great 1st step in avoiding it.  Check in with yourself periodically & ask if you feel like you are being parented in the relationship.  If no, carry on.  If yes, change something. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

And that awareness is great—the first step. 

The second step, if this makes sense, is to not be hyper-driven by that awareness.

I wholeheartedly agree, and the fear of driving is a great metaphor. Fearful drivers are often the most dangerous drivers, because they resist relaxation into what can otherwise become natural skills.

I also like the saying, "Perfectionism is the enemy of the 'good'..." especially because perfectionism often stalls progress rather than improves it.

OP, it might be helpful to seek out biographies of people you admire and learn their stories of mistakes and failures, along with how those eventually contributed to their successes. Same is true of relationships. We all bomb out now and then. We choose lousy friends or dates or lovers, or we outgrow perfectly nice people. We suffer rejections or need to impose them. We have good or bad experiences with ending our virginity. None of these 'must' be pivotal moments that define our capacity to experience future joys and loves--unless we self-impose catastrophic meaning to these events.

Head high, and congrats on your independence. Write more if it helps.