Im wondering what girls should do: commitment advice

[Apple]

I was reading a post about guys getting pressure to marry. Usually after a year, 2, 3, or 5 years.

Guys, generally speaking, please address 2 scenarios: one with an infrequent pressure to marry or in a scenario with very frequent pressures about marriage and both after this amount of time (meaning maybe 2-5 years) should a girl just accept that he wont be marrying her and he just enjoys things for what they are. And she that if she wants different she should learn to live w/o him and wait for someone else to come along?

Do you think its unhealthy for a girl to want to marry very desperately to a man she has been with for years? In both perfect and not so perfect relations?

Ladies, why do you (we) stay in these scenarios?

Guys, what kind of things just make it not seem right? and why dont you feel these pressures?

And are maybe men in the fantasy that things will always be perfect when they marry, that the relationship should be perfect before you even think of marriage. It seems unrealistic to say that these years spent werent good enough.

As a woman is usually accused of dreaming of weddings and this ideal family unit but not being realistic about the work of a marriage. But are the women already accepting and wanting to marry you any way. While your still confused and thinking it hasnt been right (or perfect) so far so why should I move on.

[annie24]

Well - I'm not a guy, but I definitely have an opinion on this subject. I think if you're over 25 and you've been with someone for a few years, yes, you have the right to know where are things headed. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have a family. And there is also nothing wrong with not wanting to get married.

 

If you have been with someone who doesn't want to marry you, but you want to get married, then there is a fundamental chasm with your life-goals and values, so it is probably best to break up, rather than to sit around waiting for the other person to change their mind, or even worse, to pressure them.

 

I know plenty of men who are very excited to get married. My dad was one of them. My mom and dad got married after they knew each other for 6 weeks - and he was the one who was really pushing for marriage! My dad was single until he was 48, I'm sure that plenty of his ex-gfs thought that he just "wasn't the marrying kind," but when he met my mom, that all changed.

 

I don't know why people stay - I guess because they have invested a lot of time, and they are hoping that the partner will change their mind.

 

Oh well.. I've rambled for a bit. Anyways... I think that there should be open communication in a relationship about life-goals and all that. And if one person doesn't want to get married, but the other one does, either accept it, or move on.

[RayKay]

I am in total agreement with Annie.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to get married (okay, unless it is an unnatural obsession where you don't even care who the other partner is and already have wedding plan, bio clock ticking and just want someone to show up to church on time) nor is there anything wrong with NOT wanting to get married.

 

Where the conflict occurs is when both people want different things and share different goals - and even more so when one partner hangs on for years knowing this hoping things will change, and then are "surprised" when they don't. And when they deliver ultimatums that they never even follow up on anyway....I do think many women stay too long in these scenarios - often out of fear, or hoping things will change, believing the excuses, who knows - I think it often comes down to fear and settling for less than you want to make him "love you more" in hopes he will suddenly change his mind.

 

I think there comes a time in your life and in your relationship where it is in every right for you to have an idea where the relationship is heading - now generally you would sort of know this by conversations and attitudes of your partner, but sometimes you don't, and in those cases I think it is fine to bring up a where are we headed talk. You don't need to staple him to a chair and force him to listen, but just see what happens when you open the subject up for discussion...you know him/her best so learn to read their reactions. I mean ideally you would both know exactly what the other is thinking and exactly what they want when - but we know that does not happen (well, not always!).

 

 

I do think there ARE men who are prepared for realities of marriages, and many women who aren't. I believe there are many men whom also want to get married (to right person) and are excited and willing to do so, and they don't expect "perfection", that is what a relationship before marriage is for - to learn about one another and establish a foundation in reality.

 

 

Maybe both people should learn from one another - those women idealizing marriage and the perfect wedding and family should take in some of the realities that maybe men fear (ie divorce if there is NOT work put into it, ensure there is compatibility, shared goals, values, respect, honesty) and maybe those who fear should also take care to analyze their fears to see if they are based in reality or misconceptions.

[Apple]

Reading all the posts about women (including myself) who love someone for years wishing he was into marriage or maybe kids or religion (at this time, with her- whatever the not working factor appears to be).

 

I still dont know how women are always either the one's who have to accept it or move on...Are we wrong for wanting these things with someone we find sexy and funny and is our best friend. Or are we just stupid for loving someone who cant commit.

 

Reading this stuff says to me move on, leave someone you love and are willing to work with in any way because you believe thats what people who love one another do. Thats what we do for our crazy parents or maybe a screwed up sibling, or mamed pets. Im sorry but I just think that all women who want marriage are not just pitiful little girls with lillies and bells in their heads. I think that a lot of women want to find balance in many aspects of their lives including your relationship with your partner.

 

I havent met as many mature men at my age (28 next month) who believe in marriage. (Im saying they are mature in a lot of other aspects but have no desire to marry) Are there still guys like this or are they all married? (lol)

 

This brings up another issue: I guess I must just have a problem cutting off my best friend/bf whom I love (I dont want to be with out him). But if I am as unrealistic and desperate and as settling for the wrong guy as many posts seem to suggest I am...I must be a lonely hearted gal. I dont want to be by myself...because he's stated to me he wouldnt want to be friends if we broke up- he's not mean- he just thinks we would both suffer from watching one another move on. I like having sex, being intimate, knowing someone. Maybe Ive just never been alone long enough? I just am afraid Id be miserable for awhile. No one else has shown interest in me in a while and I just dont think Id have this budding dating life if I were more single.

 

Anyone have suggestions on how to be confident and dateless, sexless and whatever else less you get by staying in a relationship with someone you love but dont share future goals wtih?

[Derek]

I'll represent my male gender and say somedays I want to have what my parents have, 40+ years of marriage, 3 kids etc. I'd like to know someone and have someone know me inside and out and we both have each other's interests at heart and we are each other's safe haven from the big bad world. I'd like to have children and I would be a great Dad because I'm a big kid at heart too.

 

Other days, I wonder, why do I need a woman at all for? I'm already a complete individual, sex is overrated and overhyped in today's society=) emotional intimacy can be found other places, I already have a great family and have friendships and outlets for conversation and my work gives me fulfillment. What's the point?

 

 

I am trying to not give up on passion and romance yet though. It is hard work to not be cynical.

 

 

 

 

(I'm around 30 years old though

[annie24]

Derek - I can totally relate. I have different days also, like you. Someone has a quote on here, I don't remember who, but I like it! "Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can't live without."

[OceanEyes]

sex is overrated and overhyped in today's society=)

 

Wow! I must say that I found this very refreshing from a male! Honestly - you would probably be one of those types guys who I could have a total BLAST with on a date and wouldn't always revert back to talking about sex, or something sexually-related. I mean I'm sure that you believe that sex is important, but I agree with you that it's over-rated and overly-emphasized in the media and just about everywhere you look, you see it.

[Derek]

I certainly do believe sex is important, I'm as red blooded as any other man. But I like to think people can do better than mating like the discovery channel. I realize the most mind blowing sex is when the two people are totally at one with each other (or close to) and have an emotional, intellectual and even spiritually intimate connection. The physical part is only one aspect, and that's the part that can be overhyped

 

And yeah I am a blast!

 

 

[RooferGirl23]

Marriage is nothing but a leagl document, owned by the us governemnt. Your love for another is found emotionally, not on some paper stuffed in someone's file cabinet.

of course, i did not always feel that way, i kinda learned it. I have been engaed for 3 years and we have 2 children. My guy was married once before, for 13 years. He tells me he rushed into it..thereforeeee ending up in divorce. He said back then he was looking for Miss RightNow, not Miss Right.

For a wile i pressured him, faught with him, about marrying me. each time i got pregnant, my entire family pressured me, "whens that boob gunna marry you?" I got so bad about bugging him that i almost lost him.

THATS when we had a huge talk about marriage and how love is love, not a piece of paper.

So i have come to the conclusion, i want him, and i'll just have to wait. so i have learned to accept it, (weather i like or agree with it or not) Looking back i feel kinda stupid for "begging" him like I did.

Great Question!

[d346]

hmm....

marriage IS more than just a piece of paper! It's a solid commitment, it's a promise to embark on your life together, it's peace of mind that he is in your future -and peace of mind that you don't have to beg, bug, or wait patiently (or maybe I should say impatiently!) while he decides he's ready!!

 

anyway, i think it's an age thing -I'm the same age, and guys I know are JUST starting to settle down. How many unmarried guys do you know in their mid to late 30s? probably not many. It just takes them a while.

 

why do we wait? maybe we're idealistic. we meet a man that satisfies all our criteria, who is tons of fun, and who seems to be a wonderful life-long mate. And as he still isn't interested in marriage, perhaps we rationalize that maybe soon he will be. maybe he'll change his mind.

 

that's why i stayed with my guy. however, it was such a tough call for me, because in our 4 or so years together he showed tons of indication that he did want to marry me (even said it a few times), but when under the gun, or when going through a cynical phase from time to time, he'd be almost down on marriage.-and that would frustrate me to no end.

 

As I mentioned above, timing is everything. If they do indicate a spark of interest here and there, they come around ON THIER OWN. (I am now engaged, and he's actually very excited, and it's been fabulous making "life plans" together -not just wedding plans. we're now a team instead of separate entities, and I love it!) But you have to make the call if he will want to marry you on his own, and if he wil be pleased about his decision. Otherwise, maybe it IS time to call it quits

[OceanEyes]

But I like to think people can do better than mating like the discovery channel.

 

Ahhh yes, this is key. This is exactly why I think it's so contradictory when people say things like, "it's a primal urge". So does that mean that you would still say the same thing about taking a dump in the middle of a parking lot in broad daylight? Anyway that's beside the point.

[kate111]

Interesting thread.

[tornhuman]

I believe that marriage is also not just a piece of paper it represents things such as lifetime commitment and the fact that you become "safe" with that person! that fact that it represents things is what makes it important and that is why i believe women care so much. Because if they don't believe that a man is willing to put them in those positions, as the one are for all thier lives, etc.; then why should they waste their time there are enought men in the world that they could find someone that would put them in those positions.

 

And the view on sex I think may have something to do with age but more with each person. I am only 20 and am in a commited relationship but to me sex is extreamly important. You can't spend the rest of your life with somewone you can't stand ion bed. I know views are different for older generations and religions and so on but sex is important to most people. There is a primal and sometimes carnal urge, primal urge may be just the urge of experience or perhaps of reproduction, these all come from sex.

 

Ahhh yes, this is key. This is exactly why I think it's so contradictory when people say things like, "it's a primal urge". So does that mean that you would still say the same thing about taking a dump in the middle of a parking lot in broad daylight? Anyway that's beside the point.

 

And to this.... There are people who have done it... as they say if you gotta go you gotta go!

[amtjrtcet]

I was with my ex for 6 yrs, I thought one day we'd be married. My stupidity, b/c I honestly believe his plan was for me to be his lifetime girlfriend. That may be ok for some, but not me. When I realized that we had different ideas of "together forever" I left-amoungst many other reasons.

 

So now I'm in a wonderful relationship a month shy of a year, I'm ready. I'm ready to get married. I don't want to waste 6 more years of my life with someone who has no intention of saying "I do".

 

So what's my plan?.....If no discussion of marriage by 1.5 yr mark, or if he doesn't "know" that he wants to marry me by then, I'm out. I've not brought up marriage, and I won't until that time comes. That's just me.

[kate111]

I was with my ex for 6 yrs, I thought one day we'd be married. My stupidity, b/c I honestly believe his plan was for me to be his lifetime girlfriend. That may be ok for some, but not me. When I realized that we had different ideas of "together forever" I left-amoungst many other reasons.

 

So now I'm in a wonderful relationship a month shy of a year, I'm ready. I'm ready to get married. I don't want to waste 6 more years of my life with someone who has no intention of saying "I do".

 

So what's my plan?.....If no discussion of marriage by 1.5 yr mark, or if he doesn't "know" that he wants to marry me by then, I'm out. I've not brought up marriage, and I won't until that time comes. That's just me.

 

 

Fair enough. I like your idea of 1.5 years. I'm going to do that too.

[Batya33]

To the OP - the best, most insightful and clear book I have read on this subject is Judith Sills' A Fine Romance.

 

The whole marriage is just a piece of paper theory especially when it is put forth by a woman who clearly wants marriage - sounds like a whole lot of rationalization to me and self-deception. To some it is just a piece of paper - green card marriages, etc. To others it symbolizes a whole lot more and what's wrong with symbolic and emotional meaning in a piece of paper?

 

It's not the easiest thing in the world to admit a fear of being alone much less the courage to be alone after admitting that fear. But, having done that, more than once, it is an empowering feeling if indeed the relationship was unhealthy or one you were just settling for. Trouble is the empowerment can take a bit of time to surface so you really have to have internally strong resources and a good support system of friends and fun distracting activities don't hurt either.

[rainduckie]

To me marriage is not a piece of paper but it is important because of what it symbolizes. It is so easy to say that you want to be with someone forever but to actually admit it to family and friends and to plan the ceremony means putting in time to make it nice and official and think things through. This is why marriage is important to me. I am right now in a 4 yr relationship which is hanging on a string because of this issue. But for me the symbolism and what it stands for is very important.

[fnlyfrei]

The funny thing is, in many states if you just live with someone for an extended period of time...or put them on your insurance at work..you are considered common-law anyhow. So avoidance of the legal paper stuff is a non-issue...if someone lives together long enough, and even has children, there is as much legal sorting of things as a regular divorce when you split. I guess the part of living with someone that I did not enjoy was the easy out...if you don't like something, instead of trying to working it out someone just packs up. ( not including issues of family violence or infidelity of course) I am going to marry again very soon, and I look at it as a challenge...and the reward is he and I being happy and content....I think some people think of marriage as a cage, or a trap. It's all in the attitude that you approach it with I think...and your expectations.