What should I do!?

[7up]

This is a bit long but I REALLY need advice!

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 2½ years.

He moved out here about 6 months after breaking up with his ex.

(they maintained a physical relationship after breaking up until he moved)

I met him a week after he got out here and have been with him since.

 

I knew he kept light contact with her and I didn't have any problems with that.I had no idea her contact would end up causing so much trouble!

 

8 months in to the relationship, I snuck a peek at his emails to make sure he wasn't doing anything naughty. I had been burned pretty bad by a cheater in the past and I wanted to make sure I wasn't following a pattern of going for unfaithful guys. It was wrong to do, i know. I couldn't help myself tho. Insecurity kicked in and took over the controls.

 

I felt pretty stupid and guilty when I didn't see any suspicious names. Just mails from friends, family, websites and his ex. I should have just closed the window but I decided to be a bonehead and see what he and his talked about. BAD IDEA.

 

He was spilling our personal problems to her and made it sound like he was completely misserable with me. I was shocked and furious!

I would have been angry if he was talking like that to a friend, but since it was his ex, it seemed worse. I felt totally betrayed and my trust went on red alert. I confronted him about it and he said he was angry and venting when he wrote it and that he was wrong to do so. he seemed genuinely sorry. He promised not to do it again.

 

My biggest probs with her/him are:

 

* She wouldn't email him when she was in a relationship but pop up again once it was over to inform him that she was single.

She would do this everytime one of her relationships fizzled and she'd end her emails with "are you still with that girl?"

I started getting suspicious that she wasn't over him.

 

* He left his dog with her when he moved under the condition that he would be picking it up a few months later once he got settled.

He asked for it back and she said she didn't want to split their dogs up because they'd be sad. he said fine and then she turned around and said to come pick it up because it barks too much. She asked him to call her to make arrangements to pick it up and he did while I was at work. She ended up calling our place the very next day just to tell him that some junk mail had arrived at her place for him. I started feeling like she was making up excuses to keep her foot in the door rather than be his friend. Once again, she flip-flopped about the dog and he finally told her to just keep it. she replied "ok...but we're still going to keep in contact right!?" my suspicions about her motives grew.

 

*Over a year in to the relationship. He had an old photo of her and a love letter she wrote in his wallet. He tossed those on a pile of old business cards/receipts and said "i forgot i had these. these are garbage!" Even tho his replies to her emails had been nothing but friendly and casual, it made me feel more secure that her suspicious actions were in vain. Imagine the look on my face when I saw that he snuck them back when I wasn't looking. I didn't know what to think! I didn't even ask him to throw them away in the first place so I couldn't understand why he would pretend to do something for my "benefit" I asked him about it and he said he took them back because they were "momentos of good times with her". He then ripped them up and looked sad while doing it. I never asked him to throw them away let alone rip them up! I was suddenly getting weirdness from both sides and feeling like I was "the rebound"

 

*2 years has gone by and she's STILL doing the "I'm single again, are you!?" We broke up for 2 weeks at one point and she finally got the answer she wanted to hear. She asked if he was going home for x-mas (his parents live where she does) and he said yes. she suggested they catch up over some drinks. We got back together and I had to work for the holidays. I told him I wasn't comfortable with him going for drinks with her. He said he wouldn't go out with her and didn't reply to her mail because she'd "figure it out when he doesn't reply". She mailed him a few days later and said she wanted to pick up a bike rack she lent him 2 years ago that was stored at his dads place. It seemed like such a sneaky BS excuse to see him. He told me he'd return her bike rack but he wouldn't hang out with her. He in fact DID end up going out for drinks with her with the reason that his dad couldnt take him to the bus terminal because he was babysitting so he went with her and hungout until the bus came.

 

Now we've moved out to where he is from (its really nice here lol) and she's bombarbed him with emails to hang out for all sorts of reasons. He finally agree'd when it was a mutual friends B-Day. I went, of course! And she seriously stalked him around the bar all night. if we went to one area, she did too. If we went outside for a smoke, she did too. She actually ran up to him at one point, hung off his arm and made coo-coo-ga-ga eyes at him...right in front of me! I got fed up with her and wanted to leave. My bf and I started arguing about it and she took a picture of us fighting! I wanted to strangle her with the camera strap *L*

 

We talked about it the next day and he agree'd that she was acting inapropriately and that it's best to stop talking to her.

She didn't make any contact after that night 3 months ago (YES, finally! *L*) and I was feeling pretty good. ...OOPS!

she emailed him a few nights ago saying "hey whats up" He replied that things were good and that his best friend moved out here.

I asked if she was going to start hanging out with him like creepy ex's do and he said "no, she's always hated him"

 

She mailed him back and asked for the friends number because she'd just LOVE to see him again. mmHMM! *L*

she also said "I know your gf feels uncomfortable about me and I totally understand!" she obviously does NOT if she knows she's causing probs in the relationship and she keeps weaseling her way in. I got really pissed that she was playing the "innocent and understanding" card while making me sound irrational and insecure. I told my bf I want her COMPLETELY OUT of our lives once and for all. He said "F__K You, I mean it. F__K you!" ..to ME!

 

I feel like he always defends her and is more concerned about keeping in touch with her for whatever reasons, than our relationship.

She has been a constant fighting point for us and he won't take the steps to stop it. He tells me he won't talk to her anymore and then he does. If she says or does something out of bounds, he gets mad at ME when I say it's unacceptable.

 

I feel like she is freakishly persistent and is using manipulative and sneaky methods to slowly tear us apart.

I also feel like she's winning since we fight about her once a month and he defends HER.

 

She has become such a problem that I'm starting to feel worn out and like it's a losing battle. I've contemplating breaking up with him because of her several times and it seems like a better idea with each fight. It seems that they have unresolved feelings for eachother and they dance around them with weird excuses to talk.

 

I don't think i'm being jealous for no reason but my bf keeps telling me I am so I'm not sure anymore. Am I?

I don't know how to handle this situation! ANY insight would be GREATLY appreciated.

 

PLZ help. I don't want to break up with him over her

[reflectionlessmirror]

is this relationship making you happy? It sure doesnt sound like it to me! it must be very difficult for you. I hate to tell you this, but he obviously still has feelings for her. Maybe they deserve each other and you would be better off without this grief and worry in your life. Do you want to be 2nd to someone else? it sounds like you are 2nd...why would he swear at you (f you!) liek that if he didnt have feelings for her. I just got out of a 2 year relationship with an alcoholic. he loved alcohol and partying more than he loved me. I stayed for so long because i didnt think that i could stand the pain to leave him. Come to find out the pain of staying with someone who loves alcohol (or another person in your case) is greater than the end of the realationship was. It really is hard, but consider you options. And by the way, ask your self if you left him, how soon would they be back together? if your answer is SOON, then jsut let them hav eeach other and stop accepting crumbs from him... there is a whole cake out there waiting for you!

[avustt]

i met my now bf as he was having problems with his gf, we hit it off he broke up with her after 6 yrs casue he said he could not marry her. i have been with him for ten months, he went trhough a period where he was between me and her, then he picked me. i love him but he talks to his ex alot lately almost everyday. text messages and everything he also gets defensive of her, thinks its no big deal that i have a problem. he does not respect my feelings and honestly think he would pick her over me. im thinking its not worth and its not worth it in your situation either, ive tried talking to my bf over and over again, hes just sick of the subject now. i dont know what to do so its going to be an ultimatum which i will have to follow thoiugh with no matter who he picks. i think thats also your best bet honestly but be prepared for who he picks if its not u, and foloow through, i dont know if i can so u hope u can good luck hope this helped

[Drizown]

I want to start out by saying, Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you . There's never a reason to shout at someone unless they are in imminent danger.

 

K Now. If you're in a relationship that you suspect is not good for you, but you're not sure, do this simple exercise.

Take out a tape recorder. Tell the story of your relationship into it. Play it out loud. Imagine that your best friend in the whole world is telling you the story instead of you. Would you want better for her? If so... it's time to move on.

If it's impossible for u to think u deserve better, try to at least believe one of ur friends who thinks u deserve better... just long enough to get you out of the relationship.

 

Good Luck.

[DN]

If you are sure you don't want to break up with him you need to change your approach. When you say to him that you don't trust her what you are also implying is that you don't trust him. You are also making it a control issue and are pushing him. When people are pushed their natural tendency is to push back. That is why you keep fighting him over this instead of solving it.

 

Instead of implying that you don't trust him and acting as if you are trying to make him do something, make it about you - not about him. Tell him that the insecurity you feel because of your previous relationship is making you vulnerable and you need his help and understanding. Say this in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory and non-threatening way.

 

Don't give ultimatums, don't lose your temper, don't say it in a controlling way - that hasn't worked for you and probably won't in the future.

[newts]

I really feel for you. Insecurities can destroy you. I agree with DN, you need to confront your partner about your feelings and not try to control him, telling him he can't do this and he can't do that, jus try to explain to him how you feel and why.If he can understand how you feel and changes his actions because he doesn't want to hurt you anymore, means he is quite prepared to make your relationship work if not, as hard as it may be, it is time to close the door.

 

I broke up with my ex partner, and he constantly would contact me when he was in a relationship (a relationship he started 2 days after we broke up) it got to the stage that this contact was destroying me and effecting my life. I found out through a mutual friend he got engaged to this girl after 7 weeks. I called him every name under the sun and told him if he contacted me again I would get the police involved. We haven't spoken or seen each other for 9 weeks, it has been so nice to finally feel like I am back in control of my life again. He turned up at my local bottle shop with his finace on Wednesday (they live 35mins away) and it didn't even affect me.

 

Sometimes the pain just isn't worth fighting for. Only you can decide if you stay or if you go, just sounds like the relationship is causing you too much pain and if you will be able to cope with him being in constant contact with his ex. I just don't think she will go away and I don't think he will ask her to anyway.

 

I did what you did with my ex, I asked him never to contact one of his ex's again because of how it made me feel, and he respected my wishes and never made contact again.

 

Good luck and I feel your pain

[7up]

I had initially mentioned it to him in a non threatening or controlling way tho.

He had asked me if I wanted him to stop talking ot her and and I told him that I didn't feel that would be necessary. I'd rather they just not talk about our relationship when she asks and when she asked innaprpriate questions or made hints at things, to tell her that he is not comfortable discussing those things with her. I thought I was pretty damn fair! *L*

 

He couldn't seem to do that tho (said he didn't want to make her feel bad or embarrassed) and it continued. It became a frequent issue that wasn't being resolved. We used to discuss it but it got to the point where we were fighting about it. I hit the point where I just wanted her out of our lives completely since I had exhausted all other options in between. Now i'm at the end of my rope about this and I don't feel like anything is left but an ultimatum.

 

It's been 2 and a half years and this girl doesn't seem to be giving up.

(talk about creepy!) He doesn't say anything to her that would lead her on so I'm thinking that she twists what he says and then hears what she wants to hear. There have been times that he has ignored an email from her and then she sent 3 within as many days all regarding something "important" or blatantly trying to entice him in to replying.

 

Later that day after I wrote the above orginal post, he told me that he will not respond to her emails anymore and he will cut contact with her.

I feel bad that it had to come to this, but I also feel angry that it did.

 

If he had just told her something like "I don't really feel comfortable discussing my relationship with you, that you always ask about my girlfriend in a snide manner or that you always ask if we've broken up yet. I'd rather we talk about other things"

 

I'm sure things would have gone a completely different route and there wouldn't have been all this melodrama. I'm relieved that he said he will stop talking to her, but also a bit apprehensive since he's said it before in the past.

 

I really hope he keeps his word.

 

*fingers crossed*