Heartbreak sucks

[nattz4512]

Still heartbroken over neighbor guy that I've previously posted about. 
It's gone on two months since we've last communicated. 

Today my heartbreak reached a new level when while I was waiting on  my mother to return from a doctor's appointment,  I saw him leave for work. Then shortly after he left, (a woman who I suspect lives with him) ...came out of the house as if to look for him...by then he wasn't in the area anymore and she went back inside.. 

Shortly after, he came back home ..(.perhaps he had forgotten something) and then left again. 

I suspect  that she had called him and told him...

At first, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt  that maybe he wasn't lying about anything and really had been single...that since he shares a house with other guys ..that maybe she is one of their girlfriend's....but I have seen her in the window of his room a few times...
When he's not there, I see the light come on and off and movement in his place. 

Sometimes when he returns home, I see him and her interacting..I know that it's her..she wears pink quite frequently. 

I keep trying to convince myself of an alternative reality where he meant everything he said, that he's just as heartbroken as I am (he is unaffected and walks around smiling and genuinely a happy aura surrounds him) that he will change, apologize, and come back to me. 

I am soo heartbroken and distraught. I thought I was slowly getting over him, but I realize that I was only fooling myself. It hurts to be treated with such disregard...and to have people pretend that they love and care for me, then to just ghost me and discard me like garbage.

I love him. I thought he loved and cared for me. I am still very confused. Was it all pretend...even though we had over 8,000 conversations and discussions about alot of things...via text..since the beginning? Up until he blocked me, whenever I called, he would always answer or get back to me when he could.
He still watches my house going to work...
Was it all for nothing??

I just don't understand. 
Everyday I struggle to respect his wishes and not confront him.. 

It's hard to let go...especially when he lives in such close proximity. 

I want to move on, but I don't know if I am capable or will ever. Maybe I'll be one of those people who never move on. Despite what many might think...there are things each one of us will never move on from. 

I feel like I deserve the hurt and pain. Maybe it's my fault that I been used, and discarded like trash.. he isn't the first to do such a thing to me.

I cry.

[Lambert]

Hi @nattz4512

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I have been heart broken like you explained. Ugh. 

Keep hope alive by having patience with your feelings. You keep telling yourself that you will get through this.  No matter how long it takes. 

For me, it was a long time. But I do think there was a shift when I decided heck with it.  I am going to get better and it's ok to feel how I feel until I get thru this.  

I think there was something to accepting I was feeling bad and committed to seeing it through to the other side.

44 minutes ago, nattz4512 said:

I feel like I deserve the hurt and pain. Maybe it's my fault that I been used, and discarded like trash.. he isn't the first to do such a thing to me

You didn't deserve this.  It's very common for people to use others.  They may not intend to that, but it happens.

That's what happened to me also more than once.  I went all in on a guy that was on the rebound. He didn't let on that he was,  but in hindsight, he was and I just happened to be the lucky road kill he left behind as he moved on to a new relationship in weeks. 

Now, it's years later and I have had relationships since and I don't really think of him too much- actually hardly at all.  But for a long time he was consuming my thoughts.  I felt a lot of shame and was embarrassed by how I was treated.  He basically dumped me flat after we just had sex the day before. talk about being used. 

When I do think of him, it's no longer sadness... more like what a d-bag. I did nothing but love him and trust him.  He didn't deserve it. And neither does your ex.

One day at a time. Try to be a better self parent. Don't allow yourself to watch his house.  Turn away! 

❤️

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Don't allow yourself to watch his house.  Turn away! 

Definitely this and you especially don't want to be noticed doing this -especially by this woman!

I hope you feel better.

[nattz4512]

I am not intentionally watching his house. My mother has dementia and spends most of the day looking out the window. She often calls me multiple times a day to verify what she's seen. Often during these times, I see him.

 

Unfortunately, unless one or both moves, it's inevitable that we're going to see one another coming and going or in passing..sometimes..probably more often than a few. 

Whenever I look out the window on my own accord to relax and calm my anxieties (as I have been doing many years prior to him moving in) I sometimes see him..whenever I do then, I always move away from the window.. 

He and some other surrounding people in the area live without any window coverings or they have some and just leave them open..everything visible to the public. .he does this...and when he's home he has the lights on.

 

I was waiting for my mom to return home from a doctor's appointment today. I kept a lookout for her out the window because she informed me she was 10 minutes away from home. 

 

I do not actively seek him out.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

Is there another window you can look out of when you're trying to calm your anxiety? Surely not all the windows in your home directly face his. 

Wondering if he ever meant what he said is also keeping you stuck. You can see he has moved on, and while it hurts, you also need to stop tormenting yourself with questions you will never really get the answers to. 

 

[TeeDee]

You absolutely do not deserve the hurt or the pain.  You are a good person, especially for taking care of your mom. 

Can you get any sort of respite care so you can get out of the house some?  You need things to distract you from him.