Where to go from here

[Lalaloopie]

My boyfriend and I started dating four years ago. I met him three months after my divorce. I wouldn’t say I was ready for a relationship. I gave him hell for the first year and a half because I was out with my girlfriend’s constantly and not ready to fully settle down. After a girls trip, he broke up with me and made me face the music of either being in a committed relationship and calming down with going out and posting on social media and wanted me to make changes to settle down. I I love him and want him to feel secure in our relationship so I was willing to make those changes so that we could build a foundation of trust. About six months into me making these changes we were away for a trip and a text message came up in his phone from a woman that he had in his life that he was confiding into about our relationship. I shortly after discovered, that he had many girlfriends that he had relationships with that he was sending inappropriate memes to and having inappropriate dialogue with. I never asked him to end those friendships, but I would’ve expected that when he wanted me to make the changes in my life for us that he would’ve changed the dialogue with those friendships. He Since ended those friendships. Shortly after this discovery, I also saw that he still had conversations with his ex-girlfriend. He was also taking inappropriate picture off of social media and saving them. When I asked him about it, he told me he would delete them, but he emailed them to himself to save them. I only learned this because I was on his computer with my daughter and an email came in. Emailing them to himself in those pictures were videos of him and his ex-wife having sex and many women from his past that he was trying to save instead of deleting as he promised. At this point in the relationship, my trust has been broken so I do start to look in his phone and I find that he has a major porn addiction. Every day all day he’s watching porn at work in the morning at night. He tells me that he’ll stop, but he finds other ways to do it now he’s put a blocker on the phone and he continues to look at just naked images the other day I caught him looking at a picture of his ex-wife in bed while jerking off. I came clean with him and told him that I could see his activity on his phone. My trust level and him is nonexistent at this point.  I love him, but I believe firmly that one of the basic building blocks for love is trust. I was hoping to get some peace of mind that he was telling me the truth about his porn addiction and constant daily need for naked women but it was to the contrary. I don’t care about porn at home in the privacy of our bedroom but his level is morning afternoon night and anytime that he can possibly get to it. Unfortunately it created some performance problems in our intimate life and I’m at the peak of my sexuality. I want to be intimate constantly and because of his habits it’s created a big problem for us. I don’t believe that he wants to change and I am a very forward thinking person and unfortunately, this seems like a big character flaw. Is it a habit that’s just been created to constantly escape? Financially he isn’t in the place he wants to be. But escaping to a fantasy place instead of working on bettering himself isn’t going to help him or us for the future. 

[Batya33]

It sounds like you two aren't a good match for a serious relationship.  I'm sorry!

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Lalaloopie said:

  My trust level and him is nonexistent at this point. . Unfortunately it created some performance problems in our intimate life 

 Sorry this is happening. Do you live together?  Unfortunately it seems like you jumped from the frying pan to the fire as far as bad relationships.

Since there is a lack of trust, compatibility and too much shady behavior, it may be time to reflect if you want this man in your life and worse, around your daughter.

Please do whatever is best for yourself and your child. His addiction is not your problem and you can't fix or change him. 

[Lalaloopie]

We do live together. We moved in a few months ago and maybe he is feeling a loss of self on top of trying to battle a major addition. He was single for 11 years before me and raised his 2 sons alone. He is such a good looking guy and by far was the most eligible bachelor in his town. Instead of dating he resorted to online interaction and masturbation with porn. I like porn to be honest I am all good with some of it at a normal level that isn’t impacting your ability to have a motivating forward moving life. It’s been all consuming for him. He views porn as a private dirty secret. I view it as a tool to get off and move on with your day. He loves it and I don’t want to take it away from him. I feel like counseling may be our way to find a common ground. 

[catfeeder]

The best analysis in the world doesn’t change ‘what is’.  So for clarity, I’d make this less about him and more about myself. What kind of relationship do I want, and what do I envision for my future?

If these are your best fertility years, do you want to spend this time locked in a power struggle to control someone you can’t trust?

With millions of people in the world and a finite bio-clock, I would leave him to work out his own porn and loyalty issues while liberating myself to find the right partner with whom I can build a loving and trusting future.

I’ve had to leave someone I love before, so my heart goes out to you. I recognized that love is not enough to build my life around. Some people are best loved from far away.

[Lalaloopie]

Thank you. I started counseling last week to be a better version of myself. I do not want to tell anyone how they should live their life and what they should do to be happy and fulfilled. I have realized through this relationship that I have some codependent traits from my childhood trauma that I need to work on for myself. I am grateful regardless of his decision to love him and for this time that we have shared.