Should I be concerned?

[Dateagain]

I have been dating a man for two months. We met on link removed. Things have been going great - he's funny, respectful, and very very smart! We are falling in love. he told me that meeting me is the best thing that ever happened to him.

 

Here's my concern: he lives about 90 minutes away from me. He drives to my house to see me about every week. I have told him I want to come up and see his place, but he says he is mortified by the messiness of his house. he's afraid I'll turn around and walk right out. i've told him that I really need to come up there, so I have a complete picture of him and his life. He says he knows that, and doesn't want me to have any concerns. Sometimes he says "Well, come on then" and I say: It doesn't sound like a real invitation, and it drops there. One time he told me that the idea of greeting me at his door would be the greatest impetus he could have to clean up his house. But then he just ....doesn't do it. I don't think the messy house thing really bothers me, because I don't plan on ever living with a man again, so if he's a slob at his own house, who cares? I am not a slob and have a really nice house.

 

What should I do? every thing else with this man is fantastic, and I don't want to have this lingering issue around for much longer.

[punchy504]

set a date for in his town, it's time to see what he's freaked out about.

[Dateagain]

do you think it is too early for me to push like that since we've only been dating two months?

[kenneth05]

find out if he really is a slob.

also, what is it about him that makes him a slob.

also, there may be other things going on in his town that he'd rather you not know about.

time to find out.

[Dateagain]

God, if this man turns out to be a liar I will flip! I got duped before - this time last year - and I'm carrying around some HEAvy baggage from that. I'm an honest person and I'm looking for an honest man, you know?

[punchy504]

you're falling in love with this guy??? better to know now right, i mean not to scare you or be the harbinger of doom, but what if he's married?

[kenneth05]

you need to find out if this guy is as honest as you need him to be. don't be afraid. just get out there and get the real deal.

 

[punchy504]

I know- and I feel for you, but find out right away that way you don't get duped.

[shes2smart]

you're falling in love with this guy??? better to know now right, i mean not to scare you or be the harbinger of doom, but what if he's married?

 

 

Punchy504 brings up an excellent point here. It sounds like he's trying to hide SOMETHING. Maybe it is just a messy house, maybe it's something more. I think you're right to be on guard here. It may not be a red flag...maybe just a pink one...but something's not adding up.

[Dateagain]

I have thought about the married thing, and even joked with him about it. Since I talk to him every night at his house I highly doubt it.

 

But you guys are right. I have to break the "happy bubble" and insist on a visit up there.

 

I HATE to break the "happy bubble!"

 

wish me luck, friends, and thanks!

[Emmylu]

Does he allow you to call him at home on a landline? If he does, he is probably not living with a woman.

 

There are other reasons why he may not feel comfortable letting you see his place. Maybe he lives in a trailer park and doesn't want you to see that. Who knows?

 

You can find out more about him in other ways. Does he let you call him at work? Is he willing to tell you what company he works for?

[Falucchi]

...I'm carrying around some HEAvy baggage...

 

Maybe you should address your own issues first, before getting involved or "falling in love" with someone after only 60 days.

You might find you make better choices in men when you clear up your own past issues. Otherwise, the HEAvy baggage you mentioned is just another burden you carry into yet another relationship.

 

Anyway, that said, my opinion is:

1- A messy house = messy life = not able to grow up. Most normal adults might live with some clutter, or let things go from time to time, but a person who claims their house is too filthy to have guests has some real issues.

OR---

2- If that's his "excuse" to keep you at arm's length or hide his life from you, it seems weird, and somewhat deceitful. Why set yourself up for more weirdness later? If the issue is not actually a messy house, then the fact that he's trying to hide something from you is more of a red flag.

Good luck

[Dateagain]

In answer to a couple of your questions: yes, I call him on a landline. And he lives in a house he built on 27 acres. His wife left him four years ago when she fell in love with her boss. They didn't have any kids; I have one.

 

I do call him at work, he is a sworn federal officer. That works in terms of my comfort level.

 

i agree about my own issues, I have been seeing a counselor to try to clear those up. the counselor's feeling is basically, you got burned by a liar, you are trying again, but remember that you never know about people so keep your eyes open and don't ignore red flags. I'm trying to do that.

 

I see this house thing as a flag. He has been very honest with me about going through the worst depression in his life during the past several years after his wife left him, a string of people he was close to died, and his two horses and dog died. He's on medication, and has had really good results. He is reaching toward joy. I know about grief, I lost my boyfriend in a fire, my best friend to AIDS, my 17-year-old neighbor to cancer, and my mom and dad all in the space of three years. Grief can really be hard, and make you not care much about your surroundings. we have talked a lot about loss together. he is now reaching toward joy, I can really see that, and it touches me. He is not needy at all, he's drug and drink free, and he seems to be standing on two feet wanting to share things with me. All that's good.

 

an update: He called me this afternoon and I mentioned the house thing sort of lightly, and he said "I don't want you to have any lingering doubts. Come on over whenever you want. I am humiliated about the condition of my house, but it is more important for me to alleviate any fears you might have." So I am going up there next week. Then during the conversation he started to get kind of excited about the idea of me coming and seeing his antique collections, his books, and whatnot. I didn't expect that - I expected him to be sort of grudgingly accepting of it. so far, so good?

[karime2thestars]

I don't know of many guys who are great housekeepers or have great organizational skills when it comes to their homes. Tell him you're coming, bringing your cleaning supplies and rubber gloves, and he can work together with you. Then he can plan where he's going to take you nice for dinner afterward.

 

I met a great guy who has a really beautiful home on a lake, drives a Mercedes, owns 5 businesses, boats, jet skis, hot tub, all the toys, you name it. I was shocked at first when I went into his house. It was picked up, but it was filthy. Sinks and bathrooms gross, floors dirty, etc. He has company over all the time and entertains out in the dockhouse and outside. No one ever really has need to go into the house. Needless to say, I cleaned the kitchen because I was cooking, and I hooked him up with a great housekeeper here in town. He is a typical bachelor.

[Dateagain]

That's hilarious! everybody is out at the boathouse so they don't have to see the grungy bathrooms! LOL

 

what's the deal with men and dirty bathrooms, anyway? Some of them are just revolting. I'm not a neat freak or anything, but when there's scum on the sink I take a minute to sponge it off, you know?

[punchy504]

an update: He called me this afternoon and I mentioned the house thing sort of lightly, and he said "I don't want you to have any lingering doubts. Come on over whenever you want. I am humiliated about the condition of my house, but it is more important for me to alleviate any fears you might have." So I am going up there next week. Then during the conversation he started to get kind of excited about the idea of me coming and seeing his antique collections, his books, and whatnot. I didn't expect that - I expected him to be sort of grudgingly accepting of it. so far, so good?

 

 

That is awesome, and rather than a red flag, he seems to be sending up a grenn one as far as his ability to be empathetic and consider the situation fromyour pov

[RayKay]

I think his response today was fantastic - maybe he will even take a scrub brush to that toilet before you come over

 

See what good communication can do

 

From your last couple posts it does seem you are very aware of yourself, and him as well for the most part, keep taking things as they come...be careful with your heart, but also let it go sometimes. I notice in your first post you have no intention on ever living with a man again...maybe you are still speaking from past hurt, as I really hope this would not be the case if you did truly fall head over heels for someone?!?!

[Dateagain]

I really don't want to live with a lover again. It's just a choice, not fear. I have a guy roommate who has been my best friend for more than 20 years, and we have a fun household. We've lived together for three years.

 

I prefer my lover to have his OWN place and visit often! My new love feels the same way - neither of us is interested in living together or getting married, but we are interested in long-term committed partnership. So that's one issue that I don't think will rear its ugly head - the old "should we move in or get married" part. One issue down, 10,999 to go!

[RayKay]

Different...but if you are both agreeable to it, then fantastic

[RandomAdvisor]

Is he having any financial difficulties? Maybe his house needs some work that is kind of expensive (like being painted), and he can't afford it so it's looking rundown...?

[Dateagain]

I wonder about the financial thing...

 

He always pays for stuff when we go out.

 

I know he has a good salary, but you never know what kind of debt people end up with. He drives a beat up car, so that might be a clue. But I drove a beat up car for years even when I could afford better because it just wasn't a priority for me.

[RandomAdvisor]

Yeah, the financial problems are a possibility. The inside of his house could be very tidy and organized, but the house itself could be rundown and in need of some repair.

 

The sooner you go over there, the sooner you find out.

[Falucchi]

I'm glad your therapist said "but remember that you never know about people so keep your eyes open and don't ignore red flags."-- that you're listening to your inner warning system is good.

 

It's tempting to want to build a fantasy/happily ever after, but you know this man has had some emotional problems, and has had a rough time lately-- I think it's very insightful and wise of you to want to take a step back and do a reality-check with uninvolved people here.

 

I found this on Oprah-- it may apply to him:

Need for Retreat: If your disorganization gets so extreme that you won't let anyone into your home or office, or if you frequently turn down social invitations to spend all your time "organizing" and "re-organizing" your stuff, consider whether you are using clutter as a protective shield—a way of insulating yourself from the outside world. It can be okay to want some private space, but living in that chaos may increase your anxiety level.

 

Take care.

[Dateagain]

hey, friends. well, I went up to see my man in his town at his house last week. It was a complete mess, just as he described. I mean, you could barely walk through there. Just stuff piled on every sirface. He was very anxious on "the day" I was coming, and called me a lot. He promised four things: A clean bathroom, clean sheets, supper, and a night of great lovemaking. He delivered on all four. He said it was very hard for him to let me see his house because he is ashamed, and he didn't want me to see his shame. but he soldiered through it, adn stayed really present throughout. we talked a bit about why his house is like that. He says he's overwhelmed by it, and I can see why. he said he felt so much better with a clean bathroom, and he wants his house to be in good shape. Still, aside from cleaning the bathroom and talking about cleaning elsewhere, I haven't seen him do anything in the few days he was home. He came to stay with me this weekend.

 

My main reason for going up there was to make sure he isn't hiding anything besides a messy house, and I accomplished that.

 

I have to decide how much this house thing bugs me. As I said in previous posts, I don't plan to live with him - ever, because I have roommates and I prefer a lover who has his own place.

 

I just can't figure out how big a deal this is. I am really attached to this man on so many levels, we really connect. Again, should I be concerned?