My mother is very overbearing, am I being too harsh?

[Amandatorimeating]

I'm in my mid 30s and have just been away for a couple of days with my Mum (we paid for ourselves)

I haven't lived at home for 7 years apart from a brief few weeks after a break up, and I admit I forgot what it's like. I feel bad saying it as she cares and is a very good Mum, she's just too much sometimes.

She still sees me as a child I suppose. I've lived abroad for many years, and travel a lot alone but all the time on the trip she's saying 'make sure you've got your passport/tickets/are you sure you know where we're going/Are you sure this is right' etc.

We stayed in an air BnB with seperate rooms next to each other. Just before bed I wanted to relax with a book or music but I couldn't because she kept shouting things into my room to ask me mundane questions or make random comments.

Then complaining how my room is better than hers even though I offered her this room several times and she wanted the other one. Finding excuses to constantly come in like, my mirror is 'better' . 

Constantly panicking if she doesn't find something immediately "Where's my hairbrush?!' 'where's my charger?!' 'have you got it?'

Then bursting into my room to have a look for it before finding it a minute later in her handbag.

 

She says 'Shall we leave for 9am?' I say yes ok, and then at 8:30 I'm getting asked if I'm ready yet, if I'll be ready soon and so on. I've managed so far in life to be on time for things 99% of the time on my own. If she tells me to be ready for 9 I will be, it's annoying that she then changes it to be earlier as it suits her.

We had one bathroom and she was saying ' What time are you going for a shower because I really need one' constantly. Just go for a bloody shower when you want and stop trying to force me to have one now.

Constantly commenting on how we need to 'find me a man'. I'm only here for a couple of bloody days so there's obviously no point, and I'm not desperate to have one, I keep telling her this.

The last thing is constantly interrupting people when they speak. It's so rude when she keeps cutting people off, even if not meaning to.

My Mum can be quite sensitive and I try to be assertive but kind, by telling her I'm fine, I can manage xyz on my own or just telling her I need space.

Not sure how else to manage it or if I'm being overly harsh? It just gets too much. 

[Amandatorimeating]

Daft questions, like she's seen me working, coming to and from work on many occasions, she knows I'm in a back office role and she knows perfectly well it's casual dress, I think she just does it for effect because she asked me in front of our guests 'So do you wear a uniform to work?" Like seriously what..

[Amandatorimeating]

She's told me again to make sure I bring my passport. I reminded her that I'm not going to leave my passport behind.. she said that our friend has missed flights before, and I told her that I am not them. 

[Wiseman2]

She seems a little lonely and sort of a mother hen type. Try not to let her get on your nerves this much. You can't change her but you can reflect why you're so irritable/annoyed. Take a deep breath relax enjoy your vacation. 

[Amandatorimeating]

It's just the lack of space/privacy. When I briefly lived with them she would just come into my bedroom and constantly needed to know what I was doing all the time. It's hard to never be irritated. 

[Amandatorimeating]

It's also the lack of trust, as if I'm some daft kid who isn't capable of organising myself, when I've never proven otherwise. 

[mylolita]

Hi Amanda! 
 

I think so many adult children can relate to this in some way or another! 
 

I’m sorry she is overbearing - it reads from an outsiders perspective as, just a bit fussy, panicky, bored and maybe anxious as well? Has she maybe been really missing you and wanted to spend a lot of time with you therefore couldn’t quite leave you be to relax alone? 
 

I don’t mean to make excuses for her, I’m just wondering what her reasons, if any, might be.

 

I would suggest really nicely but straight up, simply telling her how you feel! Something along the lines of, “Mum, I know you care and you just worry about me, I love you very much, but your fussing and not being able to leave me alone or to manage my own things is suffocating! Can you relax and give me some space please? I want to get on and enjoy our holiday!” 
 

See what she says? 
 

I’m 34, been married for 15 years and have three children ages 6, 4 and 2, and my parents STILL come over to our house and fuss and nag and question. I feel almost this is simply the passage of “middling” protective, unable to lay back and let it go parents!! I have said to my Mum a hood few times, “For Pete’s sake leave it be Mum!” Or told her to sit down and stop fussing because after all, you’re a guest!!!! 
 

It can drive you a little nutty, I understand! 
 

You may have to accept this is her nature and relationship towards you, as even after a talk or even an argument, like I have had with my parents, at the end of the day, they mean well, are only trying to help but, this is their nature, and a tiger doesn’t change it’s spots overnight! 
 

Maybe no more vacations but you could visit more in short bursts? 
 

All the best! 
 

x

[boltnrun]

My mother went the opposite way. She regressed to an almost childlike state. For example, she lived with my husband and I for a while. She would go to the freezer and take out a microwavable prepared item to have for lunch. She would ask me "how do I heat this up?" Like I had some sort of unlimited file cabinet inside my head of exactly how to heat up every possible item the stores sold. I would reply "what does it say on the box?" And she'd read it and say "it says to heat it on high for three minutes. Is that right?" And I would say "I presume the instructions on the box are correct!" And then she would pout and say "you don't need to get snippy". But I felt those were ridiculous questions! She also would lie on her bed whimpering and saying she didn't know what to do when she was hungry or thirsty or tired. This was the woman who raised my brother and I as a single mother and was always strong and decisive.

In my mother's case she was clinically depressed and it manifested as anxiety and clinginess. Perhaps your mother is anxious and unsure if her changed role in your life so she continues to "parent" you. I'm sure she understands you are a capable adult but it's her role in your life she's struggling with.

I like the idea of kindly telling her you love her dearly and want to spend time with her, but you don't need to be parented anymore. 

[smackie9]

It could be OCD/anxiety. Her behavior...tho not uncommon, is not normal. I'm sure if you said anything she would just lose her #$%^ on ya. say things like "after all I have done for you! You don't love me anymore!, what's gotten into you, this is not the daughter I know ( my mother says that ugh!). Nothing you can do about it. This is her disorder/personality. It won't change unless she can see it from your end and knows how bad it actually is. 

[Seraphim]

A mother is always a mother. That being said sometimes they don’t know when to back off or anxiety takes over . I am 57 and my mother LOST HER MIND, that I went on a girls weekend to the US more than a year ago and didn’t talk to me for a day or so because she found out I left the country and “ didn’t tell her .” Behind that was she had just lost her husband the year before almost to the day and she was terrified to lose any other family member. She is also almost completely deaf and has mobility issues. Her  anxiety was crushing and she was grasping onto people in a death grip. This summer past summer I made her go see her doctor to have blood work etc and explain how she was feeling . She was put on a low dose anti depressant and started bereavement counseling. She is better than she was. I also told her how she was making me feel and to please stop because I was not going to enable her anxiety. 

[catfeeder]

My Mom is elderly, and I can relate. The most helpful suggestion I can offer is to tap your inner sense of humor when you’re feeling annoyed and ‘gift’ it to her. Make fun of the situation and yourself, share a laugh about it. It’s a great habit to adopt, and it continually reminds you of the reason you’re engaging with one another in the first place.

[Amandatorimeating]

Sorry I only just saw these replies. Thank you for replying, I think I just wasn't used to spending a lot of time with her so closely. She is a great parent and I guess we just have different personalities. Usually I don't spend a few days at a time with her so I'm sure it'll be easier from now on.