Batya33 Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 So what's with all the focus on physical features? Obviously looks matter -but seems to be a rather significant focus for you. My husband and I are late 50s with a 14 year old. I'm petite and slim -was only overweight during pregnancy and for about 3-4 months after- he's short and a bit overweight. He's cute! I'm pretty cute too lol. If he gained 50 pounds yes it would affect my attraction to him. And I'd be worried about him! And we sparked -re-sparked since we got back together - partly because we found each other physically attractive but really that was only a part. We were in our late 30s when we got back together. This wow factor -for you is a good predictor of an LTR or you just like the rush of it? 1 Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 2 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said: 54 and 2 divorces under my belt..., I'm lonely.. I sit in my room many nights just alone. I have my kids and my job, and a roommate that's cool Please try to reflect if this "spark" you're looking for is to jump-start yourself, your life and rescue you from it. You seem ok with this lady but you also seem to be looking for someone who can swoop in and sweep you off your feet. Please understand that relationships can't really fix things that are within. No matter how much "spark". 1 Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 I never felt tension or nervousness around my husband. I DID feel them when I was in a toxic or mismatched relationship. If you still have doubts after this next date it's OK to choose not to continue. 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 Good luck @RN4L_1969whatever you decide. 1 1 Link to comment
RN4L_1969 Posted February 3 Author Share Posted February 3 1 hour ago, Batya33 said: So what's with all the focus on physical features? Obviously looks matter -but seems to be a rather significant focus for you. My husband and I are late 50s with a 14 year old. I'm petite and slim -was only overweight during pregnancy and for about 3-4 months after- he's short and a bit overweight. He's cute! I'm pretty cute too lol. If he gained 50 pounds yes it would affect my attraction to him. And I'd be worried about him! And we sparked -re-sparked since we got back together - partly because we found each other physically attractive but really that was only a part. We were in our late 30s when we got back together. This wow factor -for you is a good predictor of an LTR or you just like the rush of it? I wasn't quite trying to focus on her physicality, just trying to bring more context here from what's been asked. And if you saw one of previous responses...looks are not everything...important yes, but it's deeper than that. I think having that "wow factor" is a nicety in a relationship...now matter how long you've been together. It's reflecting on memories and times where you reminisced about that "spark"... 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 7 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said: I think having that "wow factor" is a nicety in a relationship...now matter how long you've been together. It's reflecting on memories and times where you reminisced about that "spark"... I wholeheartedly agree with this! In my LTRs, when at times things became a bit "hum-drum" we would reflect back on those memories and recapture those feelings which gave our relationship a new and refreshed boost. 2 1 Link to comment
RN4L_1969 Posted February 3 Author Share Posted February 3 36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Please try to reflect if this "spark" you're looking for is to jump-start yourself, your life and rescue you from it. 37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Please understand that relationships can't really fix things that are within. No matter how much "spark". ...hence your "screen name"...thank you... 1 Link to comment
waffle Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 The spark will burn out, as evidenced by OP's failed past relationships. I wonder how different things would be if we focused on compatibility instead and let attraction build. 1 Link to comment
Popular Post lostandhurt Posted February 4 Popular Post Share Posted February 4 From what you have written about her she is definitely trending towards Unicorn territory at our ages (trust me on this I have been on Match over 60 days) so just leave all the pontifications aside and go into it with the simple facts you know. You are attracted to each other, great convo's, she is smart, in great shape, has her stuff together and enjoys your company. I have a feeling once the physical part comes in (I don't just mean sex) you both will feel excited about being together. You have your head on straight on all this and are doing awesome except for one thing. Remember when we were young and dumb and didn't over think everything? Jump in the wayback machine (Mr Peabody & Sherman reference) rediscover some of your youthful dumbness and see what happens. I am really rooting for you as I totally get what you want in your life and why. Sharing an intimate connection with a woman is a beautiful thing. Lost 5 Link to comment
RN4L_1969 Posted February 4 Author Share Posted February 4 3 hours ago, waffle said: The spark will burn out, as evidenced by OP's failed past relationships. I wonder how different things would be if we focused on compatibility instead and let attraction build. I've never had an issue in a relationship where compatibility was un-even. They weren't perfect...obviously...but there are many failures in relationships that have nothing to do with incompatibility. Like I've mentioned before, attraction is important...but not vital...but something that should be an "aspect" of a relationship that could always be reflected upon to when there are some "dim" times. Link to comment
RN4L_1969 Posted February 4 Author Share Posted February 4 19 minutes ago, lostandhurt said: From what you have written about her she is definitely trending towards Unicorn territory at our ages (trust me on this I have been on Match over 60 days) so just leave all the pontifications aside and go into it with the simple facts you know. You are attracted to each other, great convo's, she is smart, in great shape, has her stuff together and enjoys your company. I have a feeling once the physical part comes in (I don't just mean sex) you both will feel excited about being together. You have your head on straight on all this and are doing awesome except for one thing. Remember when we were young and dumb and didn't over think everything? Jump in the wayback machine (Mr Peabody & Sherman reference) rediscover some of your youthful dumbness and see what happens. I am really rooting for you as I totally get what you want in your life and why. Sharing an intimate connection with a woman is a beautiful thing. Lost Spot on...thank you... Link to comment
RN4L_1969 Posted February 4 Author Share Posted February 4 Update 🙁 Soooo...um...there was no date this evening. She text me this morning with a sorry and asking for a raincheck; explaining she woke up with a sore throat and not feeling well. She also mentioned a lot of her co-workers were getting sick at this time as well. She apologized again. I replied being very understanding and hoped she get better soon; also mentioning I was looking forward to tonight but no worries. She thanked me for being understanding and also mentioned she was looking forward to tonight as well. So...there's that 😔 the funny thing is...I was really wanting to see her tonight...and I'm for real bummed now.... 1 Link to comment
Popular Post boltnrun Posted February 4 Popular Post Share Posted February 4 8 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said: the funny thing is...I was really wanting to see her tonight...and I'm for real bummed now.... Perhaps her value increases if she's harder to "get"? 4 1 Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 9 hours ago, boltnrun said: Perhaps her value increases if she's harder to "get"? Great point. Be thankful she was cautious -so many cooties going around. Also is part of your concern that V-Day is coming up and you don't want awkwardness around that? 1 Link to comment
RN4L_1969 Posted February 4 Author Share Posted February 4 2 hours ago, Batya33 said: Great point. Be thankful she was cautious -so many cooties going around. Also is part of your concern that V-Day is coming up and you don't want awkwardness around that? Good morning - Heh true, I've had my share of sickness so yea I'm good thank you. As far as V-day...it's a bitter/sweet day/time of year: 2023 V-day surrounding days was my breakup with my xgf, ...y'll know how I feel on that one 2013 V-day, on the day, was my x wife's and I wedding anniversary The "sweet" of V-day is loving on my kids... I hadn't thought of it that way until you mentioned it...maybe deep in my psyche...not sure? Link to comment
RN4L_1969 Posted February 4 Author Share Posted February 4 11 hours ago, boltnrun said: Perhaps her value increases if she's harder to "get"? Maybe...it is keeping my interest...and some mind-space... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 6 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said: Maybe...it is keeping my interest...and some mind-space... Yes -so if you have that reaction keep an eye on it - because it's irrelevant to long term compatibility or wanting a long term relationship. And potentially inconsistent with wanting one. 2 Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 9 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said: Maybe...it is keeping my interest...and some mind-space... That has nothing to do with her as an individual and more to do with you and how you view women. I'm not saying you view them negatively, but perhaps you find the chase more exciting than the actual woman herself? 4 Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 1 hour ago, RN4L_1969 said: :2023 V-day surrounding days was my breakup with my xgf,.2013wife's and I wedding anniversary Hopefully you two can reschedule when she's better. Forget about vday for now. You might feel A Lot better and less bogged down if you stopped dragging All this baggage around. Try to live in the present. 2 Link to comment
RN4L_1969 Posted February 4 Author Share Posted February 4 15 minutes ago, boltnrun said: That has nothing to do with her as an individual and more to do with you and how you view women. I'm not saying you view them negatively, but perhaps you find the chase more exciting than the actual woman herself? Right now it does feel that it's about the "chase", hence why I'm trying to get to know her...hence why she has my interest...otherwise I would have moved on... Believe me...I've been in the reverse situation and the woman in this scenario would have been loooong gone by now...blocking/ghosting is unfortunately too easy with a click of a button without giving it a chance...at least I'm playing it out and being patient... 1 Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 1 minute ago, RN4L_1969 said: Right now it does feel that it's about the "chase", hence why I'm trying to get to know her...hence why she has my interest...otherwise I would have moved on... Believe me...I've been in the reverse situation and the woman in this scenario would have been loooong gone by now; Sorry about the v-day memories! If it's about the chase to that extent then I wouldn't bother rescheduling. That's about winning someone over and your interest is based on the chase aspect not on her as a person. If she is looking for someone to occasionally date/activity partner/banter then sure that's fine. 1 Link to comment
RN4L_1969 Posted February 4 Author Share Posted February 4 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: If she is looking for someone to occasionally date/activity partner/banter then sure that's fine. And this is exactly what I'm feeling "at this moment", (which is perfectly fine)...but again, that could change. Like another member said here...1 or 2 more dates and I should know... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 5 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said: And this is exactly what I'm feeling "at this moment", (which is perfectly fine)...but again, that could change. Like another member said here...1 or 2 more dates and I should know... Yes. But you won't know most likely if your focus is thrill of the chase. Link to comment
RN4L_1969 Posted February 4 Author Share Posted February 4 13 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Yes. But you won't know most likely if your focus is thrill of the chase. Maybe we slightly differ on this. To me, the chase is part of the thrill, yes. We all have experienced that when meeting someone new, yes? It's always exciting in the beginning...it's supposed to be. Whatever brought the two of you together in the 1st place, there had to be "something" that was mutually appealing, yes? Ok, then the "chase" is what happens in the next 'x' timeframe, however long that it is, BUT, as I mentioned, that "chase" should not take too long before you have a pretty good "feel" for that person, AND THEN you begin to get to know that person on a more detailed level...To me this is the "dating" part of it. I don't feel I'm there yet in my situation, only a little more time will tell. In the meantime it is a cat and mouse game, sure, (in a healthy manner/approach of course, at least for me because we are both giving each other time, effort, energy, so forth...even if it ends up being short-lived). I guess my point is, if I'm in the "chase", and at the same time, getting to know her "surfacely"; that has nothing to do with how I feel about her as a person/individual. I would not even be entertaining this if I was not interested in her as a person, (the chase is just a part of the whole dynamic)... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 23 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said: Maybe we slightly differ on this. To me, the chase is part of the thrill, yes. We all have experienced that when meeting someone new, yes? It's always exciting in the beginning...it's supposed to be. Whatever brought the two of you together in the 1st place, there had to be "something" that was mutually appealing, yes? Ok, then the "chase" is what happens in the next 'x' timeframe, however long that it is, BUT, as I mentioned, that "chase" should not take too long before you have a pretty good "feel" for that person, AND THEN you begin to get to know that person on a more detailed level...To me this is the "dating" part of it. I don't feel I'm there yet in my situation, only a little more time will tell. In the meantime it is a cat and mouse game, sure, (in a healthy manner/approach of course, at least for me because we are both giving each other time, effort, energy, so forth...even if it ends up being short-lived). I guess my point is, if I'm in the "chase", and at the same time, getting to know her "surfacely"; that has nothing to do with how I feel about her as a person/individual. I would not even be entertaining this if I was not interested in her as a person, (the chase is just a part of the whole dynamic)... Thanks for sharing how you approach dating and getting to know someone. I hope you two reschedule soon - and that she feels better soon. Enjoy! 1 Link to comment
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