Given up on dating

[Sindy_0311]

On 1/10/2024 at 9:40 PM, MartynH said:

am 6ft tall, I work out religiously so i'm in fairly good shape and I am reasonably successful with a phD in molecular microbiology and I travel a lot, both for fun and for work. I am currently a post doctoral research fellow at a very highly regarded University.

So essentially, you are good looking, smart, have money to travel, good job etc.. What a boring profile! This is all superficial. I hope you get deeper in conversations with women. Do you compliment them? ask questions? Try to know them on a deep level? 

On 1/10/2024 at 9:40 PM, MartynH said:

They usually just flake out and I never hear from them again

I'm curious? How actually they flake out? Do you text/call them after the dates? Do you court them? make plans? Because I've known some guys waiting for the woman to set plans and initiate everything, I think this is the best way to make them loose interest... 

 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

It's not that you become friends to see if it becomes serious. It's that you become friends to simply be friends.

👍 this is exactly how I do it as well. I don’t have intentions when I meet people, not romantic ones anyway.  I just try to find authentic connection.  The connection either turns romantic over time (naturally), stays platonic, or fades out  

I’ve had 3 long-term relationships that came about this way. In every instance the woman genuinely appreciated the authenticity there and liked the fact I was just present, human to human, I wasn’t being nice in hopes of “getting laid”

[boltnrun]

My husband and I started out as friends. I wasn't trying to make him into a boyfriend and he wasn't trying to make me into a girlfriend. Sure, I noticed he was tall, blond, had really pretty blue eyes and was getting an education (we met at college) but I had no ulterior motives. But as time went on and we found ourselves staying up all night just talking, I started to realize I was developing feelings. My roommate said something first and I said "yeah, I'm starting to see him like that." I kissed him first, BTW.

And he was awkward AF. Zero game. Shy, quiet, understated. And I was loud, social, had a huge group of friends. But I liked his quietness. He seemed solid and reliable. And he liked my outgoing personality. And, he said later, he thought I was cute. 

So, yeah. It happens. He had no idea when he left for college he'd be meeting his future wife there. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

👍 this is exactly how I do it as well. I don’t have intentions when I meet people, not romantic ones anyway.  I just try to find authentic connection.  The connection either turns romantic over time (naturally), stays platonic, or fades out  

I’ve had 3 long-term relationships that came about this way. In every instance the woman genuinely appreciated the authenticity there and liked the fact I was just present, human to human, I wasn’t being nice in hopes of “getting laid”

I never went on more than one or two dates with any man who was focused on getting laid. That’s not dating. And men and women don’t have to date to try to get laid. I also never dated men who wanted friends first because they saw dating as intensely sex focused. I didn’t. 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My husband and I started out as friends. I wasn't trying to make him into a boyfriend and he wasn't trying to make me into a girlfriend. Sure, I noticed he was tall, blond, had really pretty blue eyes and was getting an education (we met at college) but I had no ulterior motives. But as time went on and we found ourselves staying up all night just talking, I started to realize I was developing feelings. My roommate said something first and I said "yeah, I'm starting to see him like that." I kissed him first, BTW.

And he was awkward AF. Zero game. Shy, quiet, understated. And I was loud, social, had a huge group of friends. But I liked his quietness. He seemed solid and reliable. And he liked my outgoing personality. And, he said later, he thought I was cute. 

So, yeah. It happens. He had no idea when he left for college he'd be meeting his future wife there. 

I think this is more typical in college. A number of my friends started out this way with future spouses. I wrote above I did this in junior high and high school. I lived at home for most of college. No dorm experience. And for most of college I dated older men who were finished with college. 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/10/2024 at 3:40 PM, MartynH said:

.Do guys give up after all this?

You mentioned you spent over a year talking all day every day with a married former classmate until things went sideways and she blocked you. So perhaps you're afraid of real relationships? It doesn't seem like you've been trying to date too much. 

[ShySoul]

19 hours ago, mylolita said:

I would only date someone if I personally thought - marriage material. And very seriously as well. 

I realise everyone is different. I had to reply to you because I have never come across someone with a similar opinion on this to me! You hear date as much as you can and keep going on dates etc but you never hear your approach! 

Thanks for the alternative there Shy! 

Thank you mylolita. I rarely hear some of the things I say either, but that's how my mind works. I can't help but question and wonder if the things people are so sure of really have to be like that or if there isn't some alternative. If it works for some people, good for them. But I couldn't help but notice a significant number of people end up more depressed and lonely with the standard "get out there" advice. Or how it's not so easy for the more shy/introverted/sensitive types. Going outside your comfort zone can be good, but it can also be scary and paralyze you. So I try to get people to focus on their strengths, embrace what they are comfortable with, and maximize the full potential of that. I've found when someone does that, the rest often falls into place. 

Like an old professor of mine once said, do it once, do it right, never do it again. Yeah, most people won't be lucky enough to get it right the first time. But if you can get it right in the first few attempts, why wouldn't you? If you know yourself and know what you want, it's not to hard to know pretty quickly if someone will work for you. So going through the whole process isn't always necessary. When you know, you know.

19 hours ago, mylolita said:

I love this one - the women asking for the 6 figure, the 6 foot and the 6 pack

Hmmm... last time I checked "666" was not the sign of anything good. 😉

I agree, some people set out with an impossible list of conditions. Don't let perfect be the enemy of good enough. No one is perfect and no one can possibly live up to the most lofty of standards. Take people for who they are and see if they are right for you. And focus on what's important - how they treat you and others.

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you're hoping women approach you?

First woman who I shared an attraction with messaged me first. Second wrote me first. A year and half ago a neghbor I had never spoken with left a note on my door complimenting my hair and saying she was curious to get to know me. So beng approached by women does happen and when you aren't expecting it. 

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I’ve had 3 long-term relationships that came about this way. In every instance the woman genuinely appreciated the authenticity there and liked the fact I was just present, human to human, I wasn’t being nice in hopes of “getting laid”

i had a woman tell me that she like the way I didn't play games and that she liked how when I said something, she knew I meant it. It made her feel special, especially considering her past experiences with a guy who hurt her and lied to her. She even liked that I was a virgin holding out for the right one, since she knew she didn't have to worry about me pressuring her so I could "get laid." Plenty of other women have complimented me on being authentic and understanding of them. They've been shocked someone hadn't grabbed me yet. Maybe one day...

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And he was awkward AF. Zero game. Shy, quiet, understated. And I was loud, social, had a huge group of friends. But I liked his quietness. He seemed solid and reliable.

Yes! So you're saying I still have shot, that some women do like a guy like that? Guess I won't be giving up afterall. 😉

Seriously, there is someone for everyone. Have faith.

Glad you found your someone special boltnrun. Hope it stays that way for years to come.

[Cherylyn]

I gave up on dating.  I never had a date in my life during high school and beyond so I simply lost hope.  Therefore,  I concentrated on myself.  I ascended in my career,  became financially strong and independent,  focused on my health,  had a life of my own and became very busy. 

Within a flash,  I became a looker.  Men were crawling out of the woodwork.  During social settings,  I had finally arrived and I didn't even have to try.  Instead of chasing,  I was pursued and had to decline a lot. 

Fast forward and I met my husband,  the love of my life.  💗 I even helped him financially during our marriage while he was enrolled in his graduate programs.  It can be done.  It wasn't easy but it's not impossible either. 

My point is,  never give up.  Women see potential in your future and the future for both of you.  Work hard now and your ship will come in later.  Patience is key.  You will garner attention with your success which is inevitable.  Sure,  high moral quality character is tantamount but so is the type of comfortable future you can provide and provide together.  This is the reality of the majority of relationships when thinking about what type of life you can bring to the table in the long run. 

You may not see this now but a lot of women think about how life will unfold whether it's hardship or a fairly smooth sailing life.  Most choose the latter and not the former. 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/10/2024 at 3:40 PM, MartynH said:

 I have been told by several people that I am not very sharp when it comes to interpersonal dynamics and do not pick up on blatant flirting from women

If you have difficulty reading social cues, it doesn't matter if women approach you. Please focus on that aspect. Perhaps therapy could help you. Your height and education have nothing to do with that. 

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

 So beng approached by women does happen and when you aren't expecting it. 

 

[Batya33]

I approached my husband first in the 1990s. But it was because I was supposed to in a way -it was a welcome breakfast for the new employees -I'd been there 6 weeks so I wasn't as new LOL and I knew in advance from the bios they sent us that he knew no one.  So I wanted to be nice and welcoming and knew he was from where I grew up etc.  I crossed a very crowded conference room to greet him and he was standing alone. And very, very shy at that time.  We were in our late 20s.

I asked many men to dance, started conversations over the 24 years or so I dated. But the key is - it shouldn't need to be as aggressive as an "approach" -if you put yourself in environments where you're supposed to interact socially. 

Cold approaches are risky and rarely work especially with phones, earbuds, etc.  Singles events, fitness classes, dance classes (my friend married her instructor), sports, voluneer work like backstage at a community theater, events at a place of worship, singles tour groups, etc. Then no one is approaching really, no one is pursuing.  Bars are fine too -so are clubs -my personal issue is if the person you're talking to is really drunk you're not going to know whether there's true interest there in meeting up in the future.

[boltnrun]

12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Glad you found your someone special boltnrun. Hope it stays that way for years to come.

Well, we're divorced.  Have been for over 20 years.  But that doesn't mean I didn't (and don't) appreciate his qualities.  I still prefer men who don't have "game" and who are not smooth, slick flirts.  I find those types insincere, arrogant and unappealing.

[shouldhavelearned]

Finding them

[ShySoul]

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Well, we're divorced.  Have been for over 20 years.  But that doesn't mean I didn't (and don't) appreciate his qualities.  I still prefer men who don't have "game" and who are not smooth, slick flirts.  I find those types insincere, arrogant and unappealing

Sorry it didn't work out boltnrun. He probably didn't deserve you. I will now amend my statement to say hope you find someone even better and that this time it will last. And may that relationship be "game" free.

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you have difficulty reading social cues, it doesn't matter if women approach you.

I'm not particularly adept at social situations either. Yet, I wonder how much it really matters. As long as you know enough to treat people well and survive daily life, that's what counts. When there is something more between two people, it's not something that is determined by social cues. It's something that you feel. You feel that extra glance or smile. You will feel yourself thinking about them or going out of your way to talk to them. If you don't notice someone flirting with you, maybe it's not a problem? Maybe it's just that you don't have any interest in them and that there isn't a possible romance in development?

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

He probably didn't deserve you. 

It wasn't like that at all. But thanks for the good wishes.