Girlfriend wants marriage

[Sam1986]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that this is solveable with good communication between the two of you.
Your reservations against marriage (being the centre of attention, and the financial part of it) are understandable, but you are not listing anything here that states that you are against marriage in principle.

Have you talked to her about the possibility of having a small wedding, or even just getting married through filling out the required paperwork, without actually having a ceremony? For all we know, maybe she just wants the status of a marriage, without requiring a full on ceremony and big party. In that case there is room to navigate here.

As for the prenup, talk to a lawyer if that is your main concern. That you "have heard" that they might not be water tight is irrelevant, if that is your main concern. Talk to someone who actually knows this legal field and find out what's what, again assuming that this is your main concern.

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, Sam1986 said:

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that this is solveable with good communication between the two of you.
Your reservations against marriage (being the centre of attention, and the financial part of it) are understandable, but you are not listing anything here that states that you are against marriage in principle.

Have you talked to her about the possibility of having a small wedding, or even just getting married through filling out the required paperwork, without actually having a ceremony? For all we know, maybe she just wants the status of a marriage, without requiring a full on ceremony and big party. In that case there is room to navigate here.

As for the prenup, talk to a lawyer if that is your main concern. That you "have heard" that they might not be water tight is irrelevant, if that is your main concern. Talk to someone who actually knows this legal field and find out what's what, again assuming that this is your main concern.

I wouldn't do this with such a big decision and commitment.  No one ever should have to convince someone else to get married or get married where you each see marriage differently. If both want for example a green card marriage, cool.  If both see it as just a piece of paper or are doing it to raise a child in a marital home, cool.  But she seems to want marriage for all the traditional reasons.

I'm concerned about this focus on the party to celebrate.  That's not the wedding or the marriage.  We had a small party to celebrate the wedding - 10 people at lunch and wedding cake.  The wedding was the ceremony -that was our marriage. I do think when two people want to be married for the same reasons to each other they can resolve issues about how to celebrate the wedding.  My husband sort of wanted a belated wedding reception. I did not. We had an infant.  Instead we threw a surprise party for my in laws' 50th wedding anniversary and that way more of our family got to see us and meet our infant son.  Party decisions even for a wedding are resolvable for the most part . 

Someone can be for marriage in principle and not want to marry his or her partner.  That person should never be convinced to marry IMO. 

[Tinydance]

53 minutes ago, Sam1986 said:

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that this is solveable with good communication between the two of you.
Your reservations against marriage (being the centre of attention, and the financial part of it) are understandable, but you are not listing anything here that states that you are against marriage in principle.

Have you talked to her about the possibility of having a small wedding, or even just getting married through filling out the required paperwork, without actually having a ceremony? For all we know, maybe she just wants the status of a marriage, without requiring a full on ceremony and big party. In that case there is room to navigate here.

As for the prenup, talk to a lawyer if that is your main concern. That you "have heard" that they might not be water tight is irrelevant, if that is your main concern. Talk to someone who actually knows this legal field and find out what's what, again assuming that this is your main concern.

I think you have some good points there but I just don't think that someone should be forced to marry if they just don't want to. Some people just have particular beliefs and values and they shouldn't have to change them. It's unfortunate though because there seem to be many people who get into a relationship where the goals and values don't match and they expect that one person will change their mind. I mean in some cases maybe they do but it's very risky to continue being in the relationship thinking they WILL change their mind. Because maybe they won't. 

I think it's perfectly fine not to want marriage. Maybe I'm speaking as someone not well off but to me it seems a bit weird to straight away be thinking things like that you want a pre nup and that your relationship will end etc. I understand it's a fair concern but if you're living with someone for some years they are a serious partner, a life partner if you like. Doesn't really make sense to me to think that you should protect all your assets immediately in case it doesn't work out. Again I understand that I don't own that much but for example I own a car but my ex de facto partner didn't. But I didn't really care if he got my car or half my car. I mean if you move in with someone too quickly maybe you don't know if you can trust them. But if you've been together two years and you want a future why start getting paranoid from the get go? That's just how I feel.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think it's perfectly fine not to want marriage. Maybe I'm speaking as someone not well off but to me it seems a bit weird to straight away be thinking things like that you want a pre nup and that your relationship will end etc. I understand it's a fair concern but if you're living with someone for some years they are a serious partner, a life partner if you like. Doesn't really make sense to me to think that you should protect all your assets immediately in case it doesn't work out. Again I understand that I don't own that much but for example I own a car but my ex de facto partner didn't. But I didn't really care if he got my car or half my car. I mean if you move in with someone too quickly maybe you don't know if you can trust them. But if you've been together two years and you want a future why start getting paranoid from the get go? That's just how I feel.

I agree and I wanted to be married from the time I was in my mid teens -at the latest - I didn't want to get married till my early 20s but knew it was in my future if at all possible.

I am not a fan of prenups for myself. My friend married her dance instructor who was much younger than she was -she had substantial assets, he had none, yes they had a prenup and I'm glad she does.  I think it's a really personal decision and often people get married later in life, have substantial nest eggs (I did!!) or substantial inheritance.  We don't have a prenup.  Neither of us wanted one.  And we do not combine everything -that would make no sense to me nor did we ever discuss doing so.  We had full time successful careers for close to 20 years prior to being married.  We did not live together before marriage.

[Insert-Name-Here]

I see a lot of similarities in your situation with what I've been going through.

We also seem to share the core value of not wanting to get married both to avoid legal obstacles, and not seeing the value in the societal construct itself.

My thought is that forcing or coercing someone to compromise a belief that core to their values is not a loving act.  This goes both ways.  If getting married is that important for your partner but the most you want is someone to live with, you would also be forcing her to compromise on something important to her to maintain this arrangement.  And if she'd be happy with you just going through the motions of marriage even knowing that it isn't something you are going into sincerely, then it brings to question the reasons that she wants a marriage.

The world isn't hurting for people who truly find marriage to be significant, valuable, and make that a life goal.  I hope they all are able to receive what they want out of life with someone else who feels the same way.  You don't appear to feel that way, and it doesn't help anyone to try and force this level of compromise. 

[mylolita]

If you marry well, or choose the right person to hanker down with, you need not watch your back financially, and you don’t need to worry if they will take you for everything you’ve got or other forms of nasty manipulation. 
 

Relationships, long term commitments, do have an element of risk in them but hardly any if you both love, care and know each other deeply!

 

OP - you are both fully fledged adults who knew what each other wanted but chose to ignore it or, she said it didn’t matter but really it did. You can’t blame her for wanting solid commitment and stability but she also can’t blame you for staying the facts from day one. Not many men when they say they would never marry, go on to happily marry. People normally show and tell you who and what they are straight away, as long as you’re paying attention.

 

I agree with so many others here - you both deserve someone happily on the same page. You need someone principally on your wavelength, and she deserves a happy committed marriage but maybe children (I am suspecting she probably wants children as, women who want marriage normally want children as well, the two seem to go hand in hand!) 

 

x

[smackie9]

On 1/4/2024 at 7:20 PM, Seraphim said:

In Canada you have to live together a year. If you are on their health insurance they can take you off if they are no longer together. You also have to prove to the court what you contributed to the relationship if you are common law, if you are married you don’t . If you are married, you automatically get half of what was acquired during marriage including pensions and RRSP’s and such . 

In BC you don't have to jump through hoops to prove anything. Also the woman can go after child support even if they are not his kids.

[Seraphim]

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

In BC you don't have to jump through hoops to prove anything. Also the woman can go after child support even if they are not his kids.

Here too you can claim child support. However , to take assets you need proof of cohabitation. Even in the Canadian Forces you are de facto married after 12 months of cohabitation. 

[smackie9]

12 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Here too you can claim child support. However , to take assets you need proof of cohabitation. Even in the Canadian Forces you are de facto married after 12 months of cohabitation. 

Wouldn't be hard to prove....having the same address for 25 years and share a line of credit on the house.

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Wouldn't be hard to prove....having the same address for 25 years and share a line of credit on the house.

Exactly . 

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Exactly . 

Quebec you get jack s%$# no matter what. Their laws are weird and unfriendly. My friend's daughter reunited with her father (he didn't know her at all). Two months later he died. The daughter had to pay $1300 to be taken off ownership of his inheritance/estate so his sisters could take over his debts, very little of what he had. The common law wife of 25 years got booted off the property with nothing.

[catfeeder]

Where do you each stand on having children?