Confused and tired

[Alessia]

Hi all. Just want to hear others take on this. Being with my fiance 6 years,engaged for nearly 5. We have both been divorced, grown up adult kids,his nearby,both mine abroad. I moved in with him after we got engaged (to a rental). I have my own house an hour away. He bought a huge derelict house  about 7 months after we started dating. We have been working on it for nearly 4 years now (well he took an 8 month break or more to build his daughters house). I help as much as I can, and have assisted and helped him a lot over the years. (I also do all the housework,shopping,cooking,cleaning,laundry which I don't really mind,not an issue). The only bills on the house (other than renovation costs)are groceries,electric and heating. I contribute equally to the first two. My question is..I am unsettled as I have done and continue to help him with the renovation as best and much as I can,and have done a lot ,and it will take another 2 years to complete. I'm starting to really resent a lot of my free time is taken up on it,while his grown kids never help with it. Also,I asked about a will recently,more to know if sonething happened who would organise the build/sale or whatever plus would I need to get out. He saud he will have to make a will which obviously he hadn't changed one from many years ago.  Am I right in feeling a little hurt. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alessia said:

 I have my own house an hour away. He bought a huge derelict house  about 7 months after we started dating. We have been working on it for nearly 4 years now.

Sorry this is happening. As long as you are not legally married and the house is titled in his name, you are investing in nothing.  You will never recover your financial loses or labor costs.. Is your house being rented out?  Please see an attorney. A will may not be the appropriate instrument to protect your investments of time, labor, energy or money. Please consider moving back into your own home and letting him hire contractors to complete the work. 

[Batya33]

You gifted him this time -your choice.  You had expectations of some sort of reward like being part of his will.  To me those are unrealistic expectations.  You regret what you chose to do -no one forced you.  So now that you feel resentment instead of desire to help him -stop.  It sounds like you are engaged more as some sort of label as opposed to engaged to be married -there is no wedding date, right? Is that what both of you want -to consider each other engaged but with no real solid intention to marry?

[Alessia]

We got engaged to get married,and at the time he said we would marry once the house was done or near done (I naively didn't believe it would take so many years!). And if course this has been delayed by nearly a year as he built his daughters house since then.Yes,I have gifted my time and labour. I have not put any money into the renovation,only a lot of time and labour. (My house is not rented out as I can't, it's only mine for my daily  and beside my elderly mother and we go up and stay over every few weekends to spend time with my mother).So I guess he has all covered really and 8 have mentioned getting married a few nobtgs ago and he reiterated he wants to get more of the house complete.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Alessia said:

 he reiterated he wants to get more of the house complete. 

Please move back to your own house. He deliberately bought the house in his name before marriage. A will won't help you.  Let him hire contractors because the house will go to his next of kin. Not you.. I'm sorry, it seems like you're being duped into free labor and housekeeping. 

[MissCanuck]

You need to stop putting all of your free time and effort into this. 

It doesn't appear you will have any legal recourse should you two split (or if something happens to him) as you are not married and thus not entitled to that home. He also doesn't seem to be in any hurry to get married, so you need to be careful here. 

How long have you been engaged? 

[Alessia]

That's why I'm feeling a little resentful and upset recently..we have been engaged for four and a half years. I'm not going to do as much going forward, I'll help a little and continue to do all the cooking and housework. I also should point out that I only went back to full time work 6 months ago, I had stopped my job after covid due to being unhappy there and it was a chance to help with the house (he encouraged this)  (I continued to look for a job and received unemployment benefit),so I didn't contribute to the bills then as I only had enough to keep myself and pay bills on my own place. Then,I didn't mind working so much as I wasn't in employment and wasn't paying bills,so it was only fair. But now working full time,paying half household bills (not renovation bills), I feel resentful that I am working all or most of my free time on it.

[smackie9]

I wouldn't feel hurt, but would feel this to be very concerning. Approach the subject again because it needs to be done and explain why. Depending on your local laws you could be entitled to a percentage of the proceeds if the house is sold. Before you have this conversation seek out legal counsel first to learn what you should be entitled to if at all. I hope you are renting your old place out...if not you are throwing money away. 

I inherited my dad's house, hubby moved in. We are common law. title is in my name...he's entitled to half of it regardless. In Canada, when you live with someone for 6 months to a year, you are entitled to half of each others assets. In Quebec this doesn't apply. You live together you get nothing. 

[Alessia]

No,in my country one has no legal entitlement unless married,in a civil partnership,on the title deed or in a will. So, if sonething happened in the morning I would not be entitled to any proceeds of the sake of the house. I can't rent out my own out of respect to my elderly mother plus we go visit and stay over every few weekends. 

[Jaunty]

You are in a bad position of your own making.    It seems like you were expecting something out of it that is not happening.   And is not going to happen.   So as you are going on, you are building up a lot of resentment and also a false sense of entitlement.   That is unhealthy for you and of course for the relationship.

Regarding the relationship:  How long are you going to hang out as "engaged" to this guy?  Is this OK with you?  I mean, never actually pulling the trigger and marrying?

It's a seperate deal from the house, though; you have no claim to it and you will not even if you do marry some day, since he bought it when single.

Your mother and you use your home for a weekend getaway once every few weekends ... that is not a valid reason to keep a property empty.   I mean ... you can live there, and bring your mother up to spend the weekend with you every so often.  Right?  So it seems like you are sabotaging yourself here.

[Alessia]

I know its of NY own making,I do agree with you. I'm too soft and passive! I would like to get married, but if it doesn't happen for another year or so I'm not overly concerned. He holds all the cards. So the only way I can get rid of this resentment is not to spend all my spare time helping him with the house but do the things I'm choosing to forego,like catching up with friends and family,and do more of the hikes I used to go for. He does seem to expect me to be there to help him a lot og the time,and I know it will cone to a head if I'm not..Do when that happens, I feel bad saying "well I can't keep putting all my spare time and labour into this house" as I do live in it (but I do pay towards utilities).. A very difficult situation, but I don't think I'm a bad person for halting the renovations help and state that I'm not going to gey anything out of it? Would look like I'm only with him for security which I am not. I'd happily live in mine with him which proves this (but it is too far from his business and my work now).

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Alessia said:

No,in my country one has no legal entitlement unless married,in a civil partnership,on the title deed or in a will. 

Exactly. You are investing in nothing and have no security whatsoever.  Please don't wait around another half a decade for a marriage that isn't going to happen.

No a will will not protect you. Especially a GF. Even if he leaves the house to you, his next of kin will (rightfully) contest the will and  probably win leaving you with a mountain of legal fees. 

Even he puts you on the deed as co-owner, his kids will come after half the house. He is deliberately leaving you with nothing and using the M  word as a carrot and stick to get you to pay down his mortgage, be a laborer and housekeeper. Please talk to your accountant, financial advisor and an attorney about your future and retirement. 

[Jaunty]

Why don't you have a wedding date, and why do you say "he holds all the cards"?  

It's like you're working towards something that is just a picture in your own mind that you and he did not agree on together.

I have a feeling that he thought you'd ENJOY being part of the home renovation.  Not that you were approaching it as a big sacrifice.  

[Alessia]

No I don't pay any mortgage or renovation costs (there is no mortgage he pays for it as he goes along). Yes,I suppose I did enjoy it initially (and yes I suppose he thought, as did I, it'd be lovely to do together) and he bought it at auction when we were only 7 months dating. He did ask me about it before he bought it and I wasn't going to stop him and control that when we were together such a short length of time.

But it has now been 4 years of time sacrifices,and most probably another two to finish it. I'm just recently feeling resentful of my sacrifice of time and rarely going out together, or going on daytrips etc.  I know nobody can have it every way. 

I'm feeling very down about it all,and just think if I push this with him he's going to believe I'm only with him for security amd not love..and he would question why I'm just not happy just being with him.

[Alessia]

Also,as an added  thing I would have no issue only inheriting a share of the house and his grown kids equal shares too. I certainly don't want it all, just a share as a recognition of my time amd work put into it.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Alessia said:

he would question why I'm just not happy just being with him.

Turn it back on him. Ask him why he's just not happy just being with you without expecting you to perform manual labor. 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Turn it back on him. Ask him why he's just not happy just being with you without expecting you to perform manual labor. 

Also why did you get engaged if you weren't excited to set a wedding date and why agree to tie house renovations to when a marriage would happen?  I'm glad you're being honest with yourself about being too passive.  What steps can you take today to shift that to being a reasonably confident and assertive person -if you're discontent with your current choices?

[Alessia]

Thank you all. I was naive for sure. He asked me to marry him four and a half years ago,and did state at the time he didn't want to marry until the house was well on or completed. Again I never thought it'd take 6 years or so to complete.

I'd asked him about how things were sorted re the house about a year and a half ago and at that time he sayd he needed to make a will. Clearly he still hasn't amd I suppose rightly or wrongly I'm very sad that he knows that if something happened to him his grown kids would get everything and I would have no nod of acknowledgement for my work,design input and time sacrifice.

The steps I can take is I've decided to wait til March (just because in my own head I needed a deadline)and see if he cones back to me saying there's something sorted. If he does,we'll and good. If he doesn't I'm afraid I will have to seriously think about my future. And in the meantime I'm going to go visit friends and catch up again. I'll tell him if he gets annoyed abut it,that he should geg one if his three kids to help on the hours or times I'm gone!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alessia said:

. I certainly don't want it all, just a share as a recognition of my time amd work put into it.

Please talk to your financial advisors, accountant and your own estate attorney about your future and retirement and financial security. As it stands now, you are not investing in anything tangible. Why do you have to wait for him to die to get "recognition"? 

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, Alessia said:

Also,as an added  thing I would have no issue only inheriting a share of the house and his grown kids equal shares too. I certainly don't want it all, just a share as a recognition of my time amd work put into it.

Well, that is definitely not going to happen.   Actually it's taking me aback somewhat hearing that you feel entitled to that mostly based on your feelings of resentment.

 First, you are not even married.  Second, it's his house, you live in it , you aren't paying for it and are not in any kind of formal agreement for equity.  And on top of it all, he has children, who will be his heirs.  

EVEN if you do get married.   

My ex owned her house when we got married.  I did mega work on that house during that time.  Many a weekend spent on it.   Many dollars I earned went into it.  

It was not marital property when we were divorced - nor did I expect it to be.  She bought it by herself and I was not on the title.  

MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE, stop working on it, and if you want to reap financial benefits from whatever happens to it, and your boyfriend agrees with that, get your name on the title as a co-owner.

 

 

[Andrina]

Can you explain why you believe he's a good partner to you? Does he care for you when you're sick? Does he come to your aid if your car breaks down, etc.? Does he make you feel special, like making your birthday special for you, picking up anything at the store you're running out of that he doesn't use? Does he make your life easier in any way? Does he send you sweet notes through text or call you when you're apart? Do you match in the bedroom department? 

From the outside looking in, he doesn't seem to care about your best interests as far as making sure you're financially comfortable should he die before you. You two don't seem to be acting as a team. When two people are a team, they have each other's backs. And I can't see why finishing a house has anything to do with getting married. I can understand that if a couple is very young and still in college or something. But you two are middle-aged, so finishing a house seems irrelevant in this case as far as getting married goes.

Yes, you have to plan for your own financial wellness and plan for retirement, but it sure would be nice if a partner loves you as much as he loves himself and shows it.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alessia said:

 at that time he sayd he needed to make a will. 

Please don't buy into the will nonsense. It's not going to protect you whatsoever.

Please move out back into your own house and invest appropriately. This will accomplish a great deal.

You won't feel resentful. You won't waste your golden years renovating a house that is not yours and you won't be strung along with M word.

Please free yourself from this and plan a comfortable retirement for yourself instead of being his maid and contractor. 

[Alessia]

I can certainly see all your points of view as I am a reasonable person. Yes he's generally a good partner and we have looked after each other in times of illness and we both had non serious operations. But,as Andrina said he should be showing or stating some protection for me helping him so much on the house. I guess it boils down to what I do, what I put up with..I just feel a bit used and my gut is telling me that. I'm going to do more of my own things that I want yo do in some of my spare time. We had f9ve days off last week, I helped him in the house a lot those days. My friend asked to meet me one of the days for lunch which I did,and he seemed to sulk. Yes,I should have confronted him amd asked why (I know why) but I felt guilty! He definitely seems to believe I should be here waiting on him hand and foot while he works in the house, and tgat irritates me given the circumstances.  I just don't know what to say or how to handle it anymore  😔

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alessia said:

 He definitely seems to believe I should be here waiting on him hand and foot while he works in the house, and tgat irritates me given the circumstances.

Please try to address the real issues. It seems you feel you're overinvesting in the house and relationship.

As well as the fact that this renovation project has taken on a life of it's own and affects quality time together.  

It's a good idea to go out with your friends more and enjoy your life more. You don't owe him anything except the equivalent of rent because you're living there and conversely he doesn't have to hand over the deed to his property because you're helping him renovate. 

However you are living there as a tenant so you do have to pay for that which it seems you are. Please understand that acting like a wife doesn't give you any rights. If you enjoy cooking and decorating that's fine.

Unfortunately helping him with the renovations and cooking cleaning etc does not give you the right to half his house. He bought it, it's in his name and you volunteered to help out in lieu of paying household bills while unemployed.

Talking about a will to resolve the issue of quality time and your efforts is like taking vitamins because your car won't start. It doesn't resolve or address the situation whatsoever. 

It also seems like you are frustrated that you are not legally married but acting as if. Only you can resolve this issues and it has nothing to do with whatever is in his will. He's just throwing that out there to avoid marriage and continue the status quo of live in GF and tenant. 

[Batya33]

Of course you know what to say and how to handle it - it's just what you would need to say as a reasonable person -meaning someone who cares about your own well being and future- is hard to do.  You know. It's just hard.  I don't think he is using you.  You agreed to wait till the house was done before getting married and as I wrote and Andrina that's a really odd condition and you're a reasonable person -maybe part of you was unsure about marrying him so this was a good way to delay in a vague way.  Engaged without a wedding date -even a wedding month - that's like two kids calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and playing house.

I think you like that he sulks if you go out with a friend -in your mind that means he "cares" - he's a little "jealous".  How many times have you said no to friends who wanted to meet you because you were working on the house or because he "needed" you? I think this arrangement benefits you because you can be more passive -you can hang back and use "the house" as an excuse as to why you're not out there interacting with people, expanding your world, why you're not married to him.  The great news is -it's hard -but you do know what to say and what to do - say and do those things -make little baby step goals for yourself.  Good luck!