I (f/30) feel unwanted sexually by my boyfriend (m/30)

[starlight93]

I'm really struggling with the lack of sex in my relationship. A part of that is my own rejection issues and low self esteem and another part is that sexual intimacy is something I really love and find important. 

My boyfriend and I were long distance up until 3 months ago. Before moving in together we would meet up every few months or so to spend a few days together and we would have a lot of passionate sex. Since moving in together, the first couple weeks were great but since then we've only had sex a few times. It's once a month seemingly now. It has bothered me so much how short lived the excitement period seemed to be for him I guess and he just doesn't show as much interest now. He loves touch very much so there's plenty of kissing and cuddles, and he gets hard and I touch him... but it doesn't go anywhere. 

Last month we were struggling some with adjusting to our new living situation and he was stressed so he said that was why we weren't having sex then. And now it's because I have been spotting lightly for a while. I have PCOS and maybe some other things going on down there and sometimes I spot every day for really long periods. It has lasted months and months before. I understand he doesn't want to have sex only to pull out a bloody penis... I know some men don't mind period sex or wouldn't care about the slight spotting but he does, however I still have the need of feeling desired sexually and to be intimate... and I feel like if I keep spotting every day for months then we won't have sex for months... 

I don't want to only have sex once a month or less. And I also can't help but wonder if it's more than just the spotting. It just would help if I felt like he truly misses it at least and wishes we could have it like I do but I just don't feel like it affects him much to go without the sexual intimacy. 

I just want to not care and let it get to me so often. I've brought up how I feel and my concerns many times but I think he mostly just gets frustrated that I keep bringing it up so I decided to just let it out here this time. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice that might help me cope better with this issue? Thank you so much for reading. 💜

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, starlight93 said:

 Since moving in together, the first couple weeks were great but since then we've only had sex a few times. Last month we were struggling some with adjusting to our new living situation and he was stressed so he said that was why we weren't having sex then. 

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully you're taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health and getting the best gynecological care you can.

How long were you long distance? How did you meet and why was it a distance situation? Who moved to whom?  How old is he? Do you both work? 

There is definitely an adjustment period to living together as far as finances, household responsibilities, each other's habits and basically getting to know each other in a crash landing type of way going from a distance situation to living together. 

Please don't take things personally. Try to adjust to living together and continue to enjoy affection. Hopefully things will settle down and you'll adjust to each other. Please keep in mind that the distance situation may have masked a difference in libidos. 

[starlight93]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It's a complicated situation. We met on okcupid 7 years ago. He lived in Ohio and I lived in NC. He visited me in NC and we moved extremely quick - he visited for a week and I came back to live with him at the end of that week. Lol We were so young and made some stupid impulsive decisions. We broke up after a year due to financial stresses largely. We both dated separate people but reconnected when we were both single again 3 years ago. We took things very slow this time and stayed long distance for 3 years, meeting up every few months. 

 

So about 4 months ago we decided to finally go ahead with moving in together. Both times I have moved to Ohio to be with him, mostly because I have almost no family and he has a lot here in Ohio. He has a very high sex drive. He tells me he masturbates once or twice a day. The first time we were together years ago the longest we ever went without sex the entire time we were together was about a week. I guess I thought it would be similar this time. He says he was more willing back then to have sex even if I wasn't perfect down there because I was who he lost his virginity to and it was all still new and exciting. It still hurts that he was excited enough then to have sex regardless but now he's okay with going for a long time without sex with me and doesn't seem affected by it. 

We are both 30 years old. He works at Amazon 4 days a week and I run my own business at home. But we have been struggling financially and with managing the household, and other things. I understand a lot of factors can go into the intimacy or lack thereof, but it is just really killing me that I felt so wanted back then and when we would meet up every few months and now this time living together I felt really wanted the first couple weeks and then boom, almost nothing.

[Batya33]

Would it be better if he used a condom so if there was blood etc it would be only on the condom? Can he get a side job for another day or so a week?

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like the issues here go beyond the medical. 

You two don't have the best relationship history together, and there have been significant bumps along the way. Maybe moving in together wasn't the best idea, since it doesn't seem you two have ever dated each other "locally", so to speak. You haven't been able to experience a more routine (ie, unrushed and  not long-distance) relationship with him to assess your real compatibility as a couple, and instead went straight to living together again. It might all be a bit much when the history is so patchy. 

I would sit him down and see where his thoughts are at about your future together. Try to understand if there's more behind his distance and more weighing on him than your medical struggles. 

[Andrina]

Masturbating once or twice a day seems excessive to me. Does he watch porn when he does this? That could be the reason you're experiencing a lack of sex right now. Read some articles on porn addiction to see if the insight sparks recognition.

I agree with the other poster that it would've been better to move locally, but in your own space for a time before moving in together. You're the one that's made all, or most of the effort of going his way. Dating locally would've shown if he would've made an equal effort before you decided if taking it to the next step of moving in together would be wise.

How are you struggling financially? Didn't he live where he does before you moved in? Seems like splitting bills would now be helping. Have you taken steps to make your own friends and get your own hobbies in the area yet? If not, I'd do that. Give him time to miss you, since you're always just there, at home. Create some space since right now, he's probably the sole source of your local, social life. And then have a personal timeline to see if he makes improvements in intimacy. It's better not to stick around for too long, hoping things return to times past that were really like spurts of honeymoon periods. The present is what you should use to make decisions. 

Good luck and keep us in the loop.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, starlight93 said:

We met on okcupid 7 years ago. He lived in Ohio and I lived in NC.

@starlight93

Who contacted who first on Okcupid?  My response depends on your answer.

[smackie9]

It takes more than 4 months to adjust to a whole new living situation....sometimes it can take up to a year. It took awhile for me and my husband to get along fulltime having to work out the who does what, the need for space, boundaries, the paying of the bills, etc. We were sure bickering at each other lol. We knew full well of the stress and tension was us adjusting. 

BUT I think this is more than a stress and adjustment element to this. I suspect he's been hiding an issues from you and doesn't know how to break it to you in fear of losing you. IMO if things don't get any better, an ultimatum will have to be made. Shape up and communicate/work on the issue or ship out. 

[starlight93]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Would it be better if he used a condom so if there was blood etc it would be only on the condom? Can he get a side job for another day or so a week?

It would be nice if he would do that, but I'm not sure he would want to since he hates how much sensation wearing one takes away. He works a lot of hours and is paid well, it is more so my fault we have been struggling financially. My business hasn't been doing so well recently and my car broke down (transmission, so very expensive) so I don't have transportation to go to a job.

[starlight93]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It sounds like the issues here go beyond the medical. 

You two don't have the best relationship history together, and there have been significant bumps along the way. Maybe moving in together wasn't the best idea, since it doesn't seem you two have ever dated each other "locally", so to speak. You haven't been able to experience a more routine (ie, unrushed and  not long-distance) relationship with him to assess your real compatibility as a couple, and instead went straight to living together again. It might all be a bit much when the history is so patchy. 

I would sit him down and see where his thoughts are at about your future together. Try to understand if there's more behind his distance and more weighing on him than your medical struggles. 

Thank you for responding. We actually did have a dating period I forgot to mention. I moved near by for about 6 months, rented a room in a house. So we would meet up most days and hang out and he would come over as well. He was living with some of his family at the time. Sex was good then too I feel like, when he would come visit me. I went back to NC after the 6 months because the living situation wasn't great. So we were long distance again for another year or so after that.

 

He is very serious about our relationship being long term and he feels we belong together. But I know the financial stress is weighing on him as well as us managing life in this new apartment. And I deal with depression and feel overwhelmed and stressed often myself and thats also been impacted him. So I do get that there's reasons why we may not be intimate right now, I just wish I felt like it impacts him more to go without that sexual connection for so long as it impacts me significantly. 

[starlight93]

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

Masturbating once or twice a day seems excessive to me. Does he watch porn when he does this? That could be the reason you're experiencing a lack of sex right now. Read some articles on porn addiction to see if the insight sparks recognition.

I agree with the other poster that it would've been better to move locally, but in your own space for a time before moving in together. You're the one that's made all, or most of the effort of going his way. Dating locally would've shown if he would've made an equal effort before you decided if taking it to the next step of moving in together would be wise.

How are you struggling financially? Didn't he live where he does before you moved in? Seems like splitting bills would now be helping. Have you taken steps to make your own friends and get your own hobbies in the area yet? If not, I'd do that. Give him time to miss you, since you're always just there, at home. Create some space since right now, he's probably the sole source of your local, social life. And then have a personal timeline to see if he makes improvements in intimacy. It's better not to stick around for too long, hoping things return to times past that were really like spurts of honeymoon periods. The present is what you should use to make decisions. 

Good luck and keep us in the loop.

Yes, he watches porn when he does. We've discussed it before because it also seems a bit excessive to me, but he has assured me that it doesn't take away from our sex life. But I do very much think that if he didn't watch porn that he would've been all over me thus past month regardless of my slight spotting. Maybe I'm wrong on that though, I'm really just assuming there.

I will quote my response to another poster here because it answers your other questions well. I can't really go out and meet others locally because my car has broke down, completely broke down 2 weeks after we moved here.

"

Thank you for responding. We actually did have a dating period I forgot to mention. I moved near by for about 6 months, rented a room in a house. So we would meet up most days and hang out and he would come over as well. He was living with some of his family at the time. Sex was good then too I feel like, when he would come visit me. I went back to NC after the 6 months because the living situation wasn't great. So we were long distance again for another year or so after that.

 

He is very serious about our relationship being long term and he feels we belong together. But I know the financial stress is weighing on him as well as us managing life in this new apartment. And I deal with depression and feel overwhelmed and stressed often myself and thats also been impacted him. So I do get that there's reasons why we may not be intimate right now, I just wish I felt like it impacts him more to go without that sexual connection for so long as it impacts me significantly. "

 

 

 

[starlight93]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@starlight93

Who contacted who first on Okcupid?  My response depends on your answer.

He contacted me first

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, starlight93 said:

He contacted me first

Have you ever asked yourself why a man seeking a 'relationship' would intentionally contact a woman who lives 500+ miles away?  Where their actual in-person time together was limited and inconsistent?

12 hours ago, starlight93 said:

Since moving in together, the first couple weeks were great but since then we've only had sex a few times. It's once a month seemingly now. It has bothered me so much how short lived the excitement period seemed to be for him I guess and he just doesn't show as much interest now. 

^^This seems obvious to me, but apparently he liked you, felt more attracted to you...from a distance.  

He may be aware of that himself, that he feels more comfortable with distance in relationships which is why he contacts women who live a distance away.

And if it's not built in like it was when you lived 500 miles apart, he creates it (emotionally) as he's doing now through sex, or rather the lack thereof.

Honestly I know you have seven years invested but I would seriously consider ending it, this is not going to get better. 

No doubt he is emotionally attached after all these years, and his intentions for moving in together were sincere, but try as he might, when there's no or very little distance in the relationship, sexually he shuts down, he's not "feelin it" as evidenced here. 

I agree with others, it would have been better for him to get his own place, with his own space rather than going from seeing each other every few months to every single day. 

That is a huge transition! 

It sounds like he feels suffocated and stifled, have you discussed him moving out and getting his own place but continue dating? 

 

 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Moving, new living conditions, stress, anxiety

 

The initial fun and chase is gone

 

Many of reasons