Girlfriend said she was falling in love with me and I had poor response

[alertingadf]

@rainbowsandroses thank you very much for this message. 

[Starlight925]

Don't beat yourself up over this.  Heck, this should never have happened.  

She should not have had such a hair-trigger response to the way you responded to her declaration of love that she ended the entire relationship over it.

In my mind, that's just bratty, selfish behavior on her part.

The guy needs to buy her designer handbags and jump 10 feet when she makes an emotional statement, or else....

You'd be living on eggshells.

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, alertingadf said:

yes she lives above her income right now, but she will be doctor in a year so basically her income will likely meet her lifestyle. Or she will find someone who will help her do that

But that doesnt matter when it comes to spending. People who are not good with money can have millions and still not be good with it. I have a colleague who took a credit to renovate and buy new furniture. But now he has no money to live as his whole salary is going toward that credit. When she has full doctor salary then she would, I dunno, go to Tahiti for a vacation or something in addition of having 200 dollar dinners. Which is fine but still isnt a good property to have. So you kinda did dodged that bullet. Since she would most probably expect you to follow all that. 

Also, I talked on some other thread about it, but doctors are not really good relationship candidates in general. Yes, good status and salary. But often huge egos and very little time to dedicate to relationships. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

But that doesnt matter when it comes to spending. People who are not good with money can have millions and still not be good with it. I have a colleague who took a credit to renovate and buy new furniture. But now he has no money to live as his whole salary is going toward that credit. When she has full doctor salary then she would, I dunno, go to Tahiti for a vacation or something in addition of having 200 dollar dinners. Which is fine but still isnt a good property to have. So you kinda did dodged that bullet. Since she would most probably expect you to follow all that. 

Also, I talked on some other thread about it, but doctors are not really good relationship candidates in general. Yes, good status and salary. But often huge egos and very little time to dedicate to relationships. 

My dad was a doctor. Not a physician but of the dentist/podiatrist etc category. He had a really good bedside manner and worked hard. I am not a doctor and my hours for 15 years were doctor like by choice. So I could make the big $ advance my career and work with the cream of the crop. Didn’t have a big ego don’t now. Husband was in same career as me for 5 years and he is a person with humility and character.  We made time for each other when we dated and both worked the doctor like hours. He doesn’t quite work that level of crazy hours anymore but yes he has to do some work on our vacation as did I.  It’s the nature of the career we chose.
 

My dad made plenty of time for his family. No big ego. We know of many people who are married physicians. One of them had us come over their house late at night when our son had 105 degree fever at age 6 so we wouldn’t have to go to urgent care. 3 kids and now one grandchild. Humble.

I dated some doctors with big egos. My high school friend married an electrician with a huge ego.  I dated humble artists and ego driven lawyers and investment bankers and met a number of blue collar workers who were far from humble and people in all walks of life who didn’t make time for relationships because they preferred alcohol and their friends as a weekly diet or simply wanted to travel the world alone. 
Often it’s not about job or career but simply who you are. The career choice might tempt certain people to change in dramatic ways but to me that’s more the exception. I think in the OPs case he responded as he felt right then. He didn’t know enough about her over a long period of time to respond that he too was falling in love. Especially since he has these nagging doubts about who she really is plus as someone pointed out seems that he had one of these insta relationships in the last year. 
Over a longer period of time he’d have known more about her character but I agree the initial impression shows more of a penchant to be pampered and pamper herself with well placed dropping of hints of these expectations. 

[alertingadf]

@Batya33 first thank you for sharing your experience. I am similar to you that I work hard because I wanted to improve my career, be comfortable and work with some really talented people. However, I know what its like to struggle as I did not grow up with much. But that time I think has allowed me to stay humble and also realize i dont need to spend $$$$ on stuff to be happy.

But as you said, for people who are important, I figure it out and make time. You might be right about her character or might be wrong. Although we talked every day and had some deep conversations, I think you can only know someone so well in 3 months. Certainly the person who refused to talk to me about this or stood me up was not the person who I thought I was falling for. But that also might just be her way of coping too. 

Overall, the comments here have made me feel a little better and thank you all for that. It still really hurts and feel like my time with her was cut short. i think I just need to remind myself that the right person for me would have talked about this/we would have communicated better.

However, there are definitely learnings and take aways from this and I hope in future I can apply those be a better partner for next person. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

I think it’s best to get to know someone over a longer period of time- better part of a year when stuff like bad colds , family gatherings, birthdays , work stress work success are more likely to happen. We lived together briefly during our first relationship right before our cancelled wedding. Second time we didn’t. Wouldn’t have learned much relevant stuff as we became parents a few months after marriage - living in a one bedroom as newlyweds with an infant is an adjustment you can’t learn about by sharing living space without one lol.  
yes obviously I can be wrong I or right lol. 

[yogacat]

I don't think anyone (including your ex) is saying that you're wrong or that you should feel guilty.

I think that's coming from you because now that she is no longer in your life you're wondering what if, what could have been, what you could have done differently. The thing is- sure we all have some things to learn and we can't read and interpret each other's minds but what's important is that you felt comfortable enough to express that to her!

So here are some early lessons to work on that may guide you moving forward: 1) when you receive a compliment, take a breath before responding (to give yourself time to think it over) and by responding say something direct and true to your own feelings. That way you might avoid sentences like double negatives (I was confused = I wasn't not confused) and misunderstandings early on can be avoided. 2) Don't let anyone make you feel pressured into saying things you don't mean or are unsure of. You don't have to say you love her if you're not sure and you don't have to say it back YET. 

It was still early days and it's not clear, according to you that you know yourself or know anybody well enough. Both of you were testing waters still 3 months in and that's good! However, take your time, you don't have to wonder if you missed this chance with her forever. A happy and healthy relationship is made out of comfortable and safe spaces to express feelings and thoughts.

Now where do you draw the line? Sure three months is too soon to think of a proposal or move in, but it's not too soon to have communication and connectivity open between you. Should share your thoughts and raise any concerns. If you didn't know why she felt that way, ask her.

So the whole time she was most likely slowly backing out of the relationship afterwards but trying to figure out how to discuss this with you. She probably was also processing her thought as well. It takes two to communicate you can't expect her to talk about her feelings when you may not have been very open in communication as well.

It's no one's fault but what is important that after three months in a relationship you both should be comfortable to discuss feelings as well as any concerns you may have about things without judging or feeling accosted. So my true advice to you is learn to take a couple deep breathes before responding to things that may overstimulate you because partnership lasts longer and goes smoothly when you really feel safe expressing yourself.

You didn't waste this one, you spent this one by learning what you learned from this experience!🤗🤗🌺🌺🌺.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/23/2023 at 7:10 PM, alertingadf said:

 talking about moving in together in a couple of months when my lease was up. . 

This would be a great place to start as far as better relationships in the future. Please slow down on the future talk. It's great you're reflecting on things that went sideways. In this case there seems to have been a lot of cultural, socioeconomic and other incompatibilities. 

[rainbowsandroses]

More thoughts:

The OP has stated numerous times that he felt "love" for her and demonstrated that through his actions which as previously stated is where it counts, imo and many others' as well.

And it's not like he responded with "thanks" or "ditto" like in the movie "Ghost" and although just a movie, I've heard women complain about their boyfriends responding that way.

It was three months for goodness sake. 

JMO as always but some people say "I love you" or "I'm falling in love with you" as casually as they say "how are you' and for her to expect the L word just because SHE said it and then to dump him for using different words to express essentially the same emotion (deepening feelings)?

What kind of love is that?  Not much imo which goes to show how frivolously and casually the L word is used sometimes.

It took nearly two YEARS for one of my brothers to tell his now-wife he loved her but she knew he did, deeply, again through his actions and other verbal declarations of his deepening feelings. 

Love is a deep emotion and should not be expressed casually or lightly and again I question how seriously she meant those words given how easily she was able to dump him afterwards, and the manner in which she dimped him, and for what?

Using different words? 

Something sounds terribly off about this entire situation, but in any event, one thing is clear. 

They are incompatible with different expectations and needs and it's best it's over so they can find others who are better suited for each of them.

JMO.

 

[Batya33]

We are assuming that is why she ended things -may not have been why/may have been only part of the reason etc.

I love the song from Fiddler on the Roof -do you love me -explains a lot related to this thread!

[Andrina]

OP, sometimes we think something horrible has happened to us, when in fact, it was for the best. Hard to realize that because the future is unknown. Just like when people don't get a particular job, and then they land a better job that pays more and they are happier at, which they wouldn't have gotten if they'd been hired at the earlier interview.

There is a woman you haven't met yet who will be the one you can't imagine living without, and then you will give your old head a knuckle-thump and say, "Oh, that's why what happened happened. Good things come to those who wait."