Not feeling it

[BliSta]

Hi everyone,

Don't know if you remember, but I posted here in Feb this year about a bad experience with someone.

I'm happy to say that I've learnt a lot from that experience. I've set much higher standards and since then I haven't let people do things to me if I didn't want to. I've also told guys that I didn't want to have sex right away and, as a consequence, some disappeared, others stayed. And I'm happy with that result. So, nothing to complain about in that sense.

I'm writing tonight as since that last experience I posted about, I genuinely haven't met anyone that I truly liked. Not saying I truly liked that guy either, but at least there was "something". Now it's just all dead. Since the summer, I've seen a couple of guys for at most 2-3 months (not at the same time, but in a row), without sleeping with them, not really wanting to either, to then end it because it was just pointless. In all honesty, I only ever felt it with one guy in 2022 (again, not the one of the last post) but after that... ZERO.

I came back today from another just ok date. It was fine, but, again, nothing special. I'm just not feeling it for anyone. It's so frustrating.

What do you think? Bad luck? I've met around 30 people last year and this year around 10 (needed to slow down a bit). Is it me? Or maybe I need a break from dating? I don't want to stop it completely, so I thought that slowing down would be enough, but maybe I just need to stop completely for a while... What do you think?

I'm feeling burned out, and like I'm wasting my time.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, BliSta said:

 I've met around 30 people last year and this year around 10 (needed to slow down a bit). Is it me? Or maybe I need a break from dating? I don't want to stop it completely, so I thought that slowing down would be enough.

Sorry this is happening. Yes slow down and take a break if you are feeling burned out. You seem to be getting a lot of dates, so that's good, perhaps you can pick it up again after a break. 

What type of dating apps are you on? How is your screening and matching criteria set? Perhaps your casting too wide a net if you're reeling in this much flotsam. 

[Batya33]

You have to kiss a lot of frogs … so goes the saying. If you’re dating to find a potentially long term relationship I’d keep at it and make sure if it’s through a dating site to meet asap in person so you dont waste time and tell yourself you’re attracted to someone you never met. Those expectations are sabotaging. 
I met over 100 men in person. It was a part time job. Only worth it to me because I was looking for marriage and family. Had I not been it wouldn’t have been worth it to me. Figure out what your ultimate goal is and totally fine to take a break !

[BliSta]

Thanks to both. 🙂

To answer your questions, I use Hinge. I do go through some screening, just some basic exchanges to see that we have things in common and to get an idea of what they're like. I normally meet asap cause I don't like messaging for too long, I'd rather see them. So I think I rule out time-wasters in that sense. 

I know you need to go through a lot of bad dates to find a decent one, but in this case I think it's more me feeling nothing at all. 

I am looking for something serious, so it might be worth it in the end, but for now it all feels like a big waste.

[catfeeder]

Are you meeting these people for a quick coffee to check one another out first, or are you going out on full dates?

Full dates are exhausting if you haven’t already met in person to screen out bad matches. Skip that, set up a couple short and casual coffee meets on your way home from work. Agree that neither can ask for a full date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterwards. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, then no response is necessary.

When you need breaks, take them. Don’t get discouraged. When you think of all the potential friendships you could form, you have valid reasons for only clicking with a rare few. Same is true of finding simpatico with a lover. It’s a needle in the haystack, but it only takes one right match.

Head high, and take heart. Every rejection moves you one step closer to finding the best match for you.

[BliSta]

I try to do coffee, apart from sometimes when they invite me on a proper date, which always seems nice. But you're right, I think from now on I'll just do coffee, even if they suggest lunch or something else. 

Can I ask you what you mean by this:

"Agree that neither can ask for a full date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterwards. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, then no response is necessary."

Thanks. And thank you for the encouragement!

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, BliSta said:

I try to do coffee, apart from sometimes when they invite me on a proper date, which always seems nice. But you're right, I think from now on I'll just do coffee, even if they suggest lunch or something else. 

Can I ask you what you mean by this:

"Agree that neither can ask for a full date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterwards. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, then no response is necessary."

Thanks. And thank you for the encouragement!

Also since you are looking for long term IMHO it's worth it to keep being proactive and out there.  Good luck!!

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, BliSta said:

Can I ask you what you mean by this: "Agree that neither can ask for a full date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterwards. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, then no response is necessary."

The idea is to be able to relax without feeling pressured in person to set up a real date or extend this 'quick' coffee meet (15 to 30 minutes) into having dinner or drinks.

If you agree up front while scheduling coffee that neither of you will put the other on the spot for another date, but either of you can contact the other afterward to invite them for a real date, it takes squirmy rejections off the table.

Some people also agree that if the invitation for a real date is accepted, of course the other responds, but if the answer is no, then no response is necessary. Not everyone is comfortable with that, but it would spare both people the need to finesse or accept rejections.

[BliSta]

Thank you, it seems like a cool idea, I don't know how I would bring it up though. I fear they wouldn't take it too well? Or, what if the first meeting goes very well and you just want to spend more time together during that meeting?

Also, this is unrelated, but I've met a couple of potentially interesting men in real life (I've recently started a second sport and I'm getting to know lots of people through it, which is great) and I'm so used to online dating that it feels so weird that I don't know their age, if they're single or even straight! I'm just going with the flow and getting to know them better hoping to find out soon, but it feels so odd! I feel so lost. 😁 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, BliSta said:

Thank you, it seems like a cool idea, I don't know how I would bring it up though. I fear they wouldn't take it too well? Or, what if the first meeting goes very well and you just want to spend more time together during that meeting?

Also, this is unrelated, but I've met a couple of potentially interesting men in real life (I've recently started a second sport and I'm getting to know lots of people through it, which is great) and I'm so used to online dating that it feels so weird that I don't know their age, if they're single or even straight! I'm just going with the flow and getting to know them better hoping to find out soon, but it feels so odd! I feel so lost. 😁 

Have fun! I think the men who are serious minded will want you to know those basic facts about them ASAP.