What Would You Rather Have With Your SO...

[Seraphim]

I hate surprises of any kind .🤣Not birthday gifts or Christmas, nothing . I have always hated surprises. I was the kid that would unwrap their gifts and re wrap them so I wasn’t surprised. 
 

Would I say I am adventurous, yes, actually . That I do like but not continuously. I did join the military I am a military spouse . We like adventure hiking . I would travel non stop if I could. 
 

But I do like quiet and a rhythm of life as well. I want some predictability.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Ideally that sounds great and very logical.  However when emotions are involved, it can be challenging.

Plus, it's not one or two specific things, like having dinner alone or without a conversation, it's a way of life and just "being." 

In fact I LOVE talking and communicating and when we are not seeing each other in person, I love messaging!

In fact, sounds weird but before things went south, ex-hubs and I would have the best and most fun conversations sometimes via messaging and he'd be in another room (same house)!

It's very difficult explaining my nature, there's a duality to it, I'm actually just beginning to figure it out myself.

Thanks for your thoughts though, taking it all in! 

 

No I didn't mean it in any logical or ideal way. I meant it in a truly emotional way. Obviously emotions are involved.  When two people feel secure in a relationship then the ebb and flow is experienced with rare exception as ebb and flow.  As long as there is direct communication in general then the risk of acting out from hurt feelings or neediness decreases a lot including if one person needs space.  Also when a couple is close there's a healthy vibe and energy so very often no communication needed -each senses the other needs space and gives it without resentment.  Again with exceptions but the relationship is healthy.

I'm confused as to why you thought I was resorting to logic.  I'm married and I need space on and off -same with my husband -some are specific times, some are not.  

You and your ex didn't mesh well and were not a good match -the issues you had with space and thinking it was "weird" -what you wanted/needed - is a symptom of that IM.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also when a couple is close there's a healthy vibe and energy so very often no communication needed -each senses the other needs space and gives it without resentment. 

This^ exactly, that's what I'm seeking.

Where we both just "get" each other, intuitively, instinctively based on our respective natures.

Nothing even needs to be said about it, it's natural and organic.

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ exactly, that's what I'm seeking.

Where we both just "get" each other, intuitively, instinctively based on our respective natures.

Nothing even needs to be said about it, it's natural and organic.

I don’t think that’s entirely realistic especially since many situations come up neither of you will ever have faced before. Sure you can find someone where often it’s intuitive but to me a married couple has to be comfortable with having those sometimes awkward and sensitive conversations and not presume the other is a mind reader because of some intuitive connection. 
It makes it harder than just coasting along on “organic “ and “natural” but also makes it more rewarding.
For example I had to learn how to be there in the right way for my husband when his mother was dying over a period of months. I had to observe his demeanor, reactions, body language - because it was different in certain ways than I would have reacted.
But - I did the work so I could be his partner. Including giving him space. Intuition helps and feelings of love help but - he’d never lost a parent ! I hadn’t yet lost a parent. I never told him I was doing so - he had enough to focus on and absorb and handle as an only child - but I do know it helped. 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t think that’s entirely realistic...

I tend to agree which is why I'm thinking it's best to remain single. 

What I'm seeking is probably not achievable for most people/couples where everything flows effortlessly and organically.  

I'm going to think more about it though especially next time I meet a man I'm attracted to and feel a connection with. 

For now, there are moments I feel lonely but I'm probably better off by myself.

For now.  

Thanks Bat! 

And is it too early to say Happy Holidays?!! 

 

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I tend to agree which is why I'm thinking it's best to remain single. 

What I'm seeking is probably not achievable for most people/couples where everything flows effortlessly and organically.  

I'm going to think more about it though especially next time I meet a man I'm attracted to and feel a connection with. 

For now, there are moments I feel lonely but I'm probably better off by myself.

For now.  

Thanks Bat! 

And is it too early to say Happy Holidays?!! 

 

Happy holidays!!!

It can flow effortlessly and organically- when - both people are willing to naturally communicate and neither presume the other is a mind reader.  So I’m not double talking. I don’t think any two people even mother and infant even best girl friends can presume that when together they’ll always mesh effortlessly with no communication never an awkward conversation. That’s when you know it meshes. When you can talk. 
Why do you wish to achieve being a mind reader? Isn’t that the easy way out ? Isn’t the beauty of a connection about getting through in a positive way sharing your discomfort with the other - that what you expected as a reaction didn’t happen - and accomplishing a resolution together? I mean if two people are able to alway be in flow and never have to put in effort to understand each other what sort of achievement is that?

My older sister and I are extremely different and extremely close. She’s an extremely intuitive and sensitive person. After not speaking for a month at least -because we simply had different schedules etc - I called her a few weeks ago. Phone rang and rang. I waited to leave a VM but nothing happened so I hung up. Called again. The reason I couldn’t reach her was at that very moment she was calling me. Randomly. Yes at one of the typical days and times we more often could talk but still.  Same second. This is awesome. Why? Because it’s special. It’s rare. I mean if every time I called she said “wow I was about to call you “ it would be like ok ho hum. 
I totally respect your choice not to date at this time. No need to. No requirement to and you don’t seem it’s because of feeling jaded you simply know who you are and what is right for you. Good for you !!

[catfeeder]

On 11/19/2023 at 4:35 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

1) Someone interesting, fun, exciting, stimulating where life would never be boring and we each have each other's backs?  

This is fabulous yet replicable. I already have it with lots of people. I don't think of excitement as being up to anyone else to bring into my life, but rather as a synergy that can be enjoyed with any number of people.

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2) Someone with whom we share an emotional bond, can feel each other's thoughts and emotions where relating is easy and effortless but sometimes a bit hum-drum?

This ^^^. It's rare and valuable. I don't know where hum-drum comes from. If you don't take anyone for granted, even if that's just yourself, I can't imagine being bored.

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Why do you wish to achieve being a mind reader?

It's not about reading minds Bat, like I said it's difficult to explain because I'm still working though it myself. 

So how can I explain it to y'all with any real clarity?

I'll figure it out.  For now honestly, I'm happiest on my own.  :))

 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 11/19/2023 at 1:35 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

Someone with whom we share an emotional bond, can feel each other's thoughts and emotions where relating is easy and effortless but sometimes a bit hum-drum?

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

This ^^^. It's rare and valuable. I don't know where hum-drum comes from. If you don't take anyone for granted, even if that's just yourself, I can't imagine being bored.

The bolded is what I seek; I said "hum-drum" because in my experience anything that comes so easily and effortlessly, wherein there is no challenge or work involved to keep it going, tends to lose its value eventually and become well "hum-drum."

I think it's human nature isn't it?  That we tend to value more the things we have to work for a bit?  

It's not gender specific, it's true for both men and women. 

I dunno, obviously my views are a bit warped and I need to continue my thought process and journey. . 

This year was really tough for me; the loss of my dear brother, my miscarriage, my divorce, Covid.

Next year I will begin anew, not gonna push it. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This year was really tough for me; the loss of my dear brother, my miscarriage, my divorce, Covid.Next year I will begin anew, not gonna push it. 

I hope you have a great New Year and fresh start.  Perhaps you're mellowing? Especially after a tumultuous year. Maybe that's where the duality is coming from?

For example with all that's happening perhaps stability, reliability and predictability is looking more attractive lately? Even though in the past these were categorized as boring or humdrum?

To be honest, "exciting" is great for dating and attraction, but high levels of conscientiousness (reliability, stability, etc) are better for long term relationships. 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ exactly, that's what I'm seeking.

Where we both just "get" each other, intuitively, instinctively based on our respective natures.

Nothing even needs to be said about it, it's natural and organic.

I don't think that a very long term relationship can survive on organic intuition and "getting" each other alone.

The main reason for this is that, as I am growing older and older, I have come face to face with how very difficult it is to reliably discern between intuition and simple projection.  

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

he bolded is what I seek; I said "hum-drum" because in my experience anything that comes so easily and effortlessly, wherein there is no challenge or work involved to keep it going, tends to lose its value eventually and become well "hum-drum."

But it depends what you value.  My husband keeps me on my toes -not by playing games or withholding love or affection -by challenging me and inspiring me -we have spirited conversations about what's going on in the world -he's not afraid to speak his mind - and I find his type B approach inspiring more and more over the years and it's intriguing and interesting to see the world from his perspective.  We laugh a lot - nothing hum drum about that.

The thrill of the chase ended many years ago and there was very little drama in us getting back together - some people find stable relationships humdrum because they are stable - so if the focus is on thrill of the chase of course that human will experience hum drum.

[AndieA]

I don't believe you can be "in love" with more than one person at a time.   At least for me.  That feeling is all-consuming, leaving no time or emotion for anyone else.  But I am not everyone.  Given the 2 choices, #2 for me, the bonding.   I agree with the poster who said you can still have excitement with the bonding, the reverse not necessarily being true.  With all that being said, I don't think what makes you fall for somebody is easily put into categories.  Not sure I told the story of the identical twins I knew in high school (friends of my brother) but I was totally in love with one of them and couldn't give the time of day to the other.  Their genetics were exactly alike.  Why one and not the other???  I still can't answer that.  Everybody have a wonderful Thanksgiving, I am still grateful to those of you who helped me with my issue a couple of months ago.  Everything is absolutely perfect with my guy.  

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, AndieA said:

I don't believe you can be "in love" with more than one person at a time.   At least for me.  That feeling is all-consuming, leaving no time or emotion for anyone else.  But I am not everyone.  Given the 2 choices, #2 for me, the bonding.   I agree with the poster who said you can still have excitement with the bonding, the reverse not necessarily being true.  With all that being said, I don't think what makes you fall for somebody is easily put into categories.  Not sure I told the story of the identical twins I knew in high school (friends of my brother) but I was totally in love with one of them and couldn't give the time of day to the other.  Their genetics were exactly alike.  Why one and not the other???  I still can't answer that.  Everybody have a wonderful Thanksgiving, I am still grateful to those of you who helped me with my issue a couple of months ago.  Everything is absolutely perfect with my guy.  

I think you can.  It depends how the person reacts to in love feelings -for some it is just a feeling and for others it means they react by committing to the person they love.  For some it is all consuming and for others it is not.  Like in an open relationship - certain people claim they can be with more than one person and have strong in love feelings for all their partners.  

I agree that partly it's not explainable why one person and not the other.  Or why even if it "makes sense" to be in love with a particular person -you're just .... not.... like a Mr. Right on Paper thing.