Am I expecting a dream?

[Snowywonder]

I’ve been married for 6 years and have 3 kids . My husband and I were very much in love and happy until covid hit. Respectfully everyone handled it differently but my husband started to drink a lot more and became angry with the world . I have tried to show compassion and understanding that life changed and sometimes people don’t handle that well. For the last year and a half my husband will come home have dinner and either lay in bed and ask me to bring him food while I take care of the kids or he spends the evening getting drunk outside making phone calls to people all night . I’ve brought up seeking therapy bc I feel myself falling out of love and I’m told that I’m just emotional and need to accept that real life isn’t a movie . All I ask is for a date night once every 6 months or an hour to myself once in awhile . I’m not an innocent person in our issues as I have really disconnected physically bc weekends when we have more of a chance to be intimate he’s usually drunk. His parents keep apologizing to me saying I don’t deserve this and they don’t understand what’s wrong with him but he refuses to seek help. I guess this is a long winded way of asking , is it normal to not have a date in 3 years , not have any sober weekend nignts? Am I wrong for wanting more ? I miss feeling important And seen and I just wish I didn’t feel like a maid to someone who doesn’t care about me . Since asking for therapy and asking for sober time isn’t working , what else can I do ? 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Snowywonder said:

 my husband started to drink a lot more and became angry with the world . For the last year and a half my husband will come home have dinner and either lay in bed and ask me to bring him food while I take care of the kids or he spends the evening getting drunk outside making phone calls to people all night . 

Sorry this is happening. Please don't blame Covid for his behavior. Unfortunately he's a problem drinker. Talking at him wanting him to go to therapy etc hasn't worked. 

You need to take action. Immediately only start talking care of yourself and your children. Stop acting like a maid, it's that simple. Discontinue pampering enabling and fostering his drinking and disconnecting. 

Only shop cook and clean for yourself and your children. If he's hungry he can put down the booze, get his butt out of bed and go shop and cook or get takeout. Stop treating him like a hotel guest. 

If he has the energy to be on the phone with whoever all night he has the energy to help himself and help out with the children. Is he having affairs? 

His reply to you is utter nonsense. Living with a problem drinker who shuts you out is not "real life" no less a fairlytale movie. It's a nightmare that's damaging you and your children. 

Please seek out help and support for yourself: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[Andrina]

11 hours ago, Snowywonder said:

All I ask is for a date night once every 6 months or an hour to myself once in awhile . I’m not an innocent person in our issues as I have really disconnected physically bc weekends when we have more of a chance to be intimate he’s usually drunk.

That's way too little to ask for. And you are not at fault for not wanting to be intimate with a drunk. Him providing a salary for shelter and some bills by itself is not enough to stay with a man. He's not a good spouse nor a decent parent. Attending an al-anon meeting will likely make you feel confident that divorce, since he refuses seeking sobriety, to be the only good choice for you and your children.

If he's on any of your credit cards or a joint member on your bank account, I would begin removing him from those to begin with. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[smackie9]

How about you try to give him an ultimatum. Tell him how unhappy you are, how concerned you are about him not wanting help, etc...tell him if he doesn't get his act together you will be leaving him. He has to make the decision right then....if he fights you, you have his parents show up to be the buffer, as you start packing your things, and the kids things to leave that night. Get a hotel, move in with family, figure out your next steps. 

[Snowywonder]

Thank you all for your advice . I tried to reason with him again this weekend . He has been away hunting for a week. He came home Friday and was asleep by 7:00 pm . Saturday by early afternoon he started drinking and I explained how it felt unnecessary since he was drunk every night for the last week with the guys at the camp. He said to me I need to stop nit picking and learn to relax and appreciate what I have . I need to come up with a plan . I don’t have family to help me so I guess I will be looking into a life as a solo parent . I’m really heartbroken and I never thought someone would pick drinking over their wife and kids. How do I not allow that crushing feeling. To take over ? Is there something I could have done better ? 

[shouldhavelearned]

Intervention?

What does his family say?

Can you move somewhere safe temporarily?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Snowywonder said:

. He said to me I need to stop nit picking and learn to relax and appreciate what I have . I need to come up with a plan

Are you a stay at home mother? He's not going to stop drinking especially when you enable it this much. Please see if the link provided above sheds some light. Do not get his family involved in an "intervention" and definitely do not abandon the marital home.

Please consult an attorney for information support and advice regarding your situation. Perhaps leaving and protecting your children from this horrible situation is not as bleak as you think. 

 

[Snowywonder]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you a stay at home mother? He's not going to stop drinking especially when you enable it this much. Please see if the link provided above sheds some light. Do not get his family involved in an "intervention" and definitely do not abandon the marital home.

Please consult an attorney for information support and advice regarding your situation. Perhaps leaving and protecting your children from this horrible situation is not as bleak as you think. 

 

I don’t feel that I enable him. I dont but his alcohol , I tell him not to, I keep the kids away from it and I keep things happy for them. I’m a stay at home mom. 

[Snowywonder]

10 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Intervention?

What does his family say?

Can you move somewhere safe temporarily?

His family apologizes and they say they don’t know what to do anymore bc he won’t listen. I’m told that I married the wrong person but that the kids are lucky to have me . At the end of the day this is their son and they love him but they can’t change him. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Snowywonder said:

I don’t feel that I enable him. I dont but his alcohol , I tell him not to, I keep the kids away from it and I keep things happy for them. I’m a stay at home mom. 

I'd make sure to start working at least part time or acquire job related skills/certifications unless you have a savings nest egg of your own.  I'm sorry.

[smackie9]

The only way they change is when they hit rock bottom...that's them losing everything...their marriage, their children, their family, their home, etc