I was deleting the pictures, and now I am extremely sad again

[lays]

My(30M) ex(30) broke up with me about a month ago. Our relationship was not perfect(one sided, moral issues, emotional dependency by me...) but it felt good. I really loved her, but I did not felt love.

The first weeks has been hell. Then the angry phase start, I start seeing all the red flags I ignored, the lack of respect for my feelings... But yesterday I decided to delete pictures.

I don't like taking pictures of myself so I don't have many of me alone. I want to start meeting new people(not for a serious relationship though, just friends or something not serious) so I want to have some pictures I can use as profile pics.

But, if I have few pictures of myself...I have thousands of her and I together. I start deleting one by one to sort out those where I am alone. Our last trips, our dates, her ***ing beautiful smile.

Damn I thought I hate her but I miss her so much. I have start crying again. Lost all motivation. I want to get under someone to forget her, but I do not feel good with that. Somehow I feel like I am cheating. What if she learns about it and it cause her pain?

I thought this was getting better but today I feel like the first day. Any tips? How long does this usually take? It was my first serious relationship(3 years) and my first real heartbreak

[Wiseman2]

That's a good start in trying to move forward. Delete any reminders as well as delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Try not to date until you feel ready. Please sort out your family and living situation first. Perhaps start looking for ways to improve your income and find affordable housing. 

[lays]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's a good start in trying to move forward. Delete any reminders as well as delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Try not to date until you feel ready. Please sort out your family and living situation first. Perhaps start looking for ways to improve your income and find affordable housing. 

Yes I am trying to do that. Damn the reminders from the phone, flower shops... hit me hard.

I am trying to improve myself. Trying to go to the gym(faling a bit here), working with my therapist to work on myself and help me with my family issues.

I have actually improve my income. I was looking for a flat, so that I could have my own space and share it with my ex. I think maybe she felt pressured because of that, I do not know.

But yeah, I need to fix my *** first. I know what you mean

[SooSad33]

It's a process and you're working through it your own way.

You're aware of you feelings and dealing with them.  IMO, no need to just 'delete' everything re: her. I have pics of my ex's. Even the one I married 30 yrs ago.  It's a part of me and she was a part of you for 3 yrs.

I also found journaling helpful.  Saying all you feel or would like to say there and do it until you truly feel better, which may take months & months.

So, carry on as you are.  It's fine & normal to 'feel' sad, anger etc as you are.  It's the grieving process.

One day at a time.

And no, I do not suggest you look for someone to get under, that never works and is more selfish than anything, as you'll be using them. ( my kids boss is doing this- dealing with end of his marriage & jumping woman to woman, each time admitting he knows it's wrong, he can't do it, etc). 😕 

 

[Starlight925]

You can move all the pics at once to a thumb drive without even looking at them.  Put the thumb drive away for at least a year.  This way, you're not re-living memories one by one.

For future relationships, don't take "thousands" of pictures.  Just don't.  It's simply not necessary.

For pictures of yourself to use for dating sites, it's better to use very recent pictures of you, as you are now, not the "you" you were when you were with her.  Have a friend take a few, set up your phone to take some selfies from across the room, etc.  

[Lwelter]

On 11/4/2023 at 9:16 AM, lays said:

My(30M) ex(30) broke up with me about a month ago. Our relationship was not perfect(one sided, moral issues, emotional dependency by me...) but it felt good. I really loved her, but I did not felt love.

The first weeks has been hell. Then the angry phase start, I start seeing all the red flags I ignored, the lack of respect for my feelings... But yesterday I decided to delete pictures.

I don't like taking pictures of myself so I don't have many of me alone. I want to start meeting new people(not for a serious relationship though, just friends or something not serious) so I want to have some pictures I can use as profile pics.

But, if I have few pictures of myself...I have thousands of her and I together. I start deleting one by one to sort out those where I am alone. Our last trips, our dates, her ***ing beautiful smile.

Damn I thought I hate her but I miss her so much. I have start crying again. Lost all motivation. I want to get under someone to forget her, but I do not feel good with that. Somehow I feel like I am cheating. What if she learns about it and it cause her pain?

I thought this was getting better but today I feel like the first day. Any tips? How long does this usually take? It was my first serious relationship(3 years) and my first real heartbreak

The angry phase you mention is something I've experienced multiple times, exactly how you describe it. I've made the mistake of sending messages paragraphs long about how I was angry about how they did this and that. I still get that temptation now, and it's very strong. Ultimately, nothing whatsoever good comes of it. 

From experience I'm slowly learning to fight the urge to send those sort of messages, and to chase someone who doesn't reciprote your feelings. I find it incredibly difficult, but I think it comes down to personality types. Some can maybe "get over things" more quickly, if they are extroverted types who can be easily distracted. Those of us who have a tenancy for introspection, introversion and close relationships with a select few, it is much more difficult I think.

It's cliché, and seems like empty words, but finding something that genuinely makes you feel good helps. These activities will always be momentary in terms of alleviating sad feelings. You unfortunately cannot hide from the reality that when your head hits the pillow you'll likely think of that person and these feelings of sadness, anger or frustration will inevitably arise. But feeling better about yourself through activities which make you feel good, be it exercise, reading, learning, socializing or whatever, help reduce the time you spend mulling over the past and ultimately help you heal. You'll get there and it won't take as long as it feels right now. 

[Lwelter]

You just have accept that you will feel sad and try and not let it consume you. Recongnise those feelings are there and accept that they will be there for a while, until they just aren't. Meditation helps in that sense, to seperate yourself from what you feel. What you do in the meantime can help determine how long those feelings linger for.