My boyfriend continues following models on social media

[Sannex]

Hi guys, 

I would like to have your advice on this one.

Some weeks ago I had a conversation with my BF because he was following and liking all kinds of models on Insta. I know some girls don't mind, but I do. I was not feeling good about it, especially because:

1. I tend to compare myself with these girls. Which makes me insecure 😞 

2. All my friends and family can see that he follows these girls, so for me it's really a feeling of disrespect to follow these models.

So we had a conversation about this, i told him it really hurts me to see these kind of things and I made it clear that for me it's a big thing. 

Well, my BF told me he was sorry, he understood my feelings and he stopped following them. For me this was a sign that he cares about me and my feelings. 

But lately, my BF has made an account on Tiktok, so of course I added him on tiktok, and I saw he is following all kind of models again.. 😞 Which makes me very sad. Because he created his account some weeks after we had the conversation, so he knows how I feel about this topic. 

So I really don't know if I am making a big problem in my head, or what I should do with this. What should you do? 

We are 1,5 year together btw. 

 

Thank you for your advice!

<3

 

[smackie9]

Then you find yourself a different BF that isn't into this sort of activity. You shouldn't have to change your POV/how you think just to keep a man. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Sannex said:

,my BF has made an account on Tiktok, so of course I added him on tiktok, and I saw he is following all kind of models again.. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? How is your in person relationship overall? . Unfortunately he's simply continuing on another platform.Perhaps for masturbation.

So his apology is for embarrassing you and your people, but not for following models.

It's good you spoke to him about your friends and family viewing his social media and his public displays being associated with you.

Please reset your privacy on your social media. Perhaps only have certain people able to access certain content. If his pubic social media presence is embarrassing perhaps rethink the relationship. Is he insecure? 

It's unclear why he has to follow them publicly, but unfortunately you can't police his activities and what he views. 

[Sannex]

He is 33 and I am 29. Our in person relationship is fine. We do have small arguments sometimes, but everything is fine and we are both happy. The thing is, I understand everybody masturbates and I am fine with him watching porn etc. that doesn't matter to me at all.  But the following and liking models publicly is just feeling immature for me, it's making me angry and sad. 

He said that sometimes he is feeling insecure because he had relationships in which the woman were sort of dependent of him. I am very independent and for him it feels like he can't always offer things / feel manly towards me. And also, when we first had sex, he had some issues.. it didn't bother me, in fact I even thought it was cute, because I thought he was nervous. Well, he told me that this made him insecure. 

So on these points he is somewhat insecure, but I try to take the insecurity away. 

In fact, I do not want to police his activities and what he is viewing, but I just don't want to know I think, because it's hurting me. So following and liking is driving me crazy. 

[rainbowsandroses]

42 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Then you find yourself a different BF that isn't into this sort of activity. You shouldn't have to change your POV/how you think just to keep a man. 

Agree and to add you also shouldn't try and change your boyfriend either.  

He is who he is, and if you don't like a particular behavior, it's fine to tell him that and if he chooses to stop on his own knowing it hurts or bothers you, terrific!

But don't expect him to stop it or change, there's a difference.

If he doesn't stop on his own, then simply leave the relationship and find a man who's on your same wavelength about social media or anything else.  Life's too short. 

What I have learned is that most men (not all) won't stop a particular behavior because their girlfriend asked him to. 

Very rarely have I seen that happen.  

What they do instead is tell you they will stop to appease you, but still continue the behavior finding another way to hide it from you.  Just like your boyfriend did here.

Just leave @Sannex I don't envision this getting better.

And lastly, seek help for your insecurities. 

Personally I can't stand social media BUT it's unfair imo to ask a man to stop because it makes YOU feel insecure.

I'm sorry. 

P.S.  Respect goes both ways.

 

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

. If his pubic social media presence is embarrassing

I would be embarrassed if my BF had a pubic social media presence 😉

Unfortunately there's no way to "get" someone to stop doing something they don't want to stop doing. He likes these "models" and their pics. Seems like you may have a difficult decision to make. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Sannex said:

1. I tend to compare myself with these girls. Which makes me insecure 😞 

 

I think this is the main reason. Because I dont think your family cares he follows Instagram models nore do they know about it.

Anyway, you have every right to not be OK with his socials activities and presence. Trouble is, as you saw it for yourself, he wont stop, he would just hide it from you more. So if you dont condone it and he wont stop, breaking up is an option there. That way you would have a chance to find somebody who wouldnt do such things.

[Batya33]

There was a very very similar post/thread on this issue recently if someone wants to locate it -just search the general topic.  She was given very helpful insights and input. I agree with the advice above.

[Sannex]

@rainbowsandrosesThank you for your advice. I know that it isnt fair to ask him to stop these kind of thinks..  I also told him this when we started the conversation about this subiect. So i never asked him to stop, it already helped to share my feelings. But he told me that following these models did not matter to him at all, and that liking their picture was something he does almost automatically with every picture he sees. So he indicated it was not important to him at all and that he preffered not hurting my feelings, so by his own decision he stopped this things. But it confuses me than that he starts to do the same things on another social media, of which he also knows that I can see it. 

 

[smackie9]

10 minutes ago, Sannex said:

 But it confuses me than that he starts to do the same things on another social media, of which he also knows that I can see it. 

 

key point here: He doesn't care.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Sannex said:

. And also, when we first had sex, he had some issues.. it didn't bother me, in fact I even thought it was cute, because I thought he was nervous. Well, he told me that this made him insecure.

This may be a related but more important issue.

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Sannex said:

@rainbowsandrosesThank you for your advice. I know that it isnt fair to ask him to stop these kind of thinks..  I also told him this when we started the conversation about this subiect. So i never asked him to stop, it already helped to share my feelings. But he told me that following these models did not matter to him at all, and that liking their picture was something he does almost automatically with every picture he sees. So he indicated it was not important to him at all and that he preffered not hurting my feelings, so by his own decision he stopped this things. But it confuses me than that he starts to do the same things on another social media, of which he also knows that I can see it. 

 

It’s not automatic. People with common sense these days never click automatically with rare exception. He chooses to do so because he enjoys it. 

[Jaunty]

You're incompatible.  There are married / "taken" guys all over the world who are going to look at pictures or videos or porn whenever they feel like it.  You can't "make" them stop.  They may even promise to stop with the best of intentions - but not really stop.  And it's not because they're "addicted" or don't care how you feel; it's simply because it's part of their private life and how they choose to conduct it.  

Honestly, though I understand how you could feel insecure about the models or have other issues about him looking with sexual interest at images of different women, it's really YOUR problem and not something he needs to change his behavior about.  

For every guy who's following all the IG models, there are guys who do not look at that stuff.   Find guys like that.  

[Sannex]

The thing is, I do not want to make him stop looking at videos or porn. I don't have any issue with this, even if he will watch the same models as on social media on a porn website. 

I am also thinking about what is exactly bothering me about social media, and I think for me the biggest issue has to do with the communication part. For me, on social media I follow my friends, talk with them etc. So I see it as something personal, a way of trying to be in touch with someone and share personal things. So for me, following these girls feels like he tries to contact them. I thought about this yesterday, and this was my conclusion.

Also, with this conclusion, I am wondering if behind my feelings there is somehow a trust issue. In february we had an argument about social media, because he was putting smileys with heart eyes and fire smileys under a somewhat sexy picture of a friend of him. I also know her, so I saw this on insta and I felt very hurt, because from my point of view, I do not send these kind of things to any boy because I don't feel the need + I think it could hurt my boyfriend feelings. 

We spoke about this, I did let him know that for me these kind of things were over my boundaries and for me it felt like only cheating. He explained that for him these smileys are an empty gesture for him, and if he did send these smileys to a friend, that it is for fun (joking around), supporting or just bull ***.. Most of his friends are younger than him, and he told me that for the little bit younger generation these smileys etc. do not mean a lot, that they post and like and comment a lot on everything. 

In fact I am not insecure about my body and I feel confident, it is just that all these woman are not like me at all.. so it makes me doubt if he likes me, even if he says so. It are all woman with big botox lips and boobs 😜 

I think tonight I will talk to him about above. We really do have a nice relationship, we have fun together and we like to be together but these things are stressing me out and messing with my head all day. 

 

 

[Kathryn657xx]

All I see here are red flags, I am so sorry to say. The fact that he is aware you will be able to see these 'likes' and 'comments' is very dismissive of your feelings and borderline disrespectful. 

[Batya33]

It's up to your personal values and standards.  In the 1970s my mom who had one serious boyfriend ever -my dad! - and loved him and he her for their 67 years together, 62 married - used to say, laughing, when the landline rang and she couldn't get to the phone -oh - can you get that and if it's my lover please tell him I'll call him back!" I'm not sure if she said this when my dad was around -and I'm not sure because we all knew it was a joke! And she'd have been fine if we told her husband/our dad.  

There are women who would be totally turned on by their boyfriends doing this emoji thing or at least have fun with it.

I would not.  I'd find it gross.  Even if it was a platonic male friend of mine who was single.  Ick.  And kind of sad really/pathetic.  

You have to get very clear with.... you -what are your dealbreakers -what are you not ok with -what turns your stomach? Your boyfriend will respect this because people who are clear with themselves are clear, direct, simple -not whiny/apologetic/word salad verbiage -with the person they're telling -these are my rules/standards/boundaries.  I did this 20 years ago with a new boyfriend and he was a big guy with a big ego and used to having his way with women and I tended to the chatty/people pleasing. 

But not with the issue of meeting other women for coffee if we would start having sex.  I sat but with good posture.  I was pleasant but firm, and simple, direct and not confrontational -conversational. I showed him I was strong in myself, in what I knew of myself and he could take it or leave it -but not as some sort of ultimatum either. 

People respect that.  Your boyfriend doesn't respect you - he sees it as pleading or nagging or whining or venting or having a huge Talk and sharing "feelings" and overthinking -cut to the basics which is easy ..... if you are clear with yourself.  You're not there yet -get there. IMO

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Sannex said:

  he told me that for the little bit younger generation these smileys etc. do not mean a lot, that they post and like and comment a lot on everything. I think tonight I will talk to him about above. 

Unfortunately it seems like you have already spoken to him multiple times about it and his reaction is to do it on other platforms or defend with the "everyone does it, it doesn't mean anything" excuse.

Unfortunately it seems like he will continue whether you like it or not, talk about it more or not or know about it or not. It's sad it upsets you you this degree. 

[smackie9]

He's 33?? He's acting like he's 20. 

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, Sannex said:

I think tonight I will talk to him about above.

Have you ever talked to him about this before?

If so, why do you think yet another "talk" will change anything?