Need for Unbiased Opinion

[leisurestroll239]

Hi All,

So I (25m) have this friend (24f) and we have had a relatively complicated history.

A bit of background: we met several years ago in a class at our university and got along swimmingly right from the get-go. My immature self at the time did not act upon clear signs of her liking me, and when we finally did date a few months later, it got awkward to the point that we decided to break things off (the breakup was rather amicable).

About a year after our split, during the worst of COVID, we reconnected via text (I reached out to her first). After a brief chat and exchange of pleasantries, we started texting regularly and then started to call relatively regularly (about once a week or so). We met in person for the first time about a year after reconnecting. We waited that long because we did not want to be out and about during COVID as much. After the first hangout, however, we started hanging out rather regularly; we would plan on meeting up somewhere between my home and hers, and get food, walk around malls, etc. After a year of doing this, however, I moved to a different state because of a job offer I couldn't refuse. It was at my dream company, and everything was perfect about this job, the only exception being the fact that I would now be moving to a place 3 hours by air from her.

At first, the move did not have as much of an impact on us. We used to meet in person roughly every other month anyway, and in between, we used to stay in touch via calls (the once-a-week schedule of sorts). Knowing that I would fly back every other month (since my family is still back in our home state), we knew that I would be able to meet her in person whenever I went back. We have in fact been able to meet every time I went back, even when I just so happened to have a day-long layover from another trip in my hometown.

For the last few months, we had been planning for her to be able to visit me, and her visit happened a few weeks ago. It was a ton of fun, and we managed to find lots of things to do, despite the fact that the place I live in is not exactly popular for tourism.

Now, here comes the area where your opinion will be a lifesaver: ever since I moved here, the plan has been to work at this office for about 2 years, and then relocate to another office for the same company an hour's drive from her home. About 5-6 weeks ago, however, I found out that with market slowdowns, the company has substantially slowed down hiring and relocations, and I might be stuck in this other state longer than I had originally anticipated. When I told her this news over one of our calls, she seemed to get incredibly upset and within the next minute or so, she told me she's gonna hang up for the evening. She wasn't necessarily upset with me, it seemed more so with the situation of me being stuck here. To me, however, it felt like a rather strong response. When I tried talking to her about it later, she said it was nothing to worry about. The next month, when she visited me here, she was asking about whether there was any progress with the company HR in trying to move back earlier. So, it seems like my move back, and the timeline attached to the move back is rather important to her.

I also should clarify a few things here: firstly, I have some feelings for her. I do not know why I never acted upon them, and I sometimes regret having never taken any steps towards those, but I do have feelings for her. That makes it even more difficult to form an unbiased opinion about her response here: it seems from this relocation situation that she might also have some feelings, but again, I feel like I might be clouded by the bias of my own emotions.

Secondly, I think a bit of her Achilles heel is communication. It is because of her communication that I am questioning this. One of the most jarring such examples to me was when we were first beginning to hang out (as in within the first month or two of knowing each other), she was missing a very important and challenging class to be able to meet up and never told me about it. I just so happened to hear from a friend who was coincidentally in that class, about the lecture timings. I asked her then, and she told me that she is indeed having to miss class because of that. Since I was the one who originally proposed the time when we met, she agreed to it despite having to miss lectures. There have been multiple such occasions when she had something going on and did not communicate.

Finally, I don't know if this is enough information to go off of to make any kind of conclusions. Perhaps I might be missing something here, so if I can provide more information, please ask away. Thanks in advance!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, leisurestroll239 said:

I have some feelings for her. I do not know why I never acted upon them, and I sometimes regret having never taken any steps towards those, but I do have feelings for her. 

Could you clarify if you are friends, dating or in a relationship?  You seem to spend time together despite the distance.

What do you mean by "never acted on your feelings"?  Does she want a relationship or does she view you as a friend? 

[leisurestroll239]

@Wiseman2 thanks for your reply. Currently, we are friends. We do spend time whenever we can, and there seems to be a little bit of romantic tension between us, but we are friends right now.

As for what she wants, we talked about potentially dating when I moved, and we agreed not to pursue anything long-distance. To me, that sounds like there is at least a chance that we might try something once I move back to our home state, and that's why her being so upset seems like more of a sign that she has feelings. As for "never acted on our feelings", what I really meant to say was we did not start dating once we reconnected. I hope that answers your question?

[shouldhavelearned]

Why not get a job closer now?

Change companies

[MissCanuck]

I think you two are putting the cart before the horse. 

Neither of you wants to commit to long-distance, which makes sense. But then why try to adhere to any sort of timeline to move closer to her when she is not your girlfriend? Making plans for 2 years from now doesn't make sense. You're not in a relationship. 

If you two have feelings for each other, you need to communicate about that first. You two are oddly skipping or avoiding the fundamentals of trying to form a relationship in favour of nebulous future plans. 

[leisurestroll239]

@shouldhavelearned the company has an excellent work-life balance culture. From what I have heard from friends at other companies, I want to stick to the current company 🙂

[leisurestroll239]

@MissCanuck you make a very good point, thanks for your input!

[catfeeder]

I’m not sure what you are asking that a bunch of strangers could know better than the woman herself. Have you asked her?

[Andrina]

On 10/8/2023 at 9:15 PM, leisurestroll239 said:

we finally did date a few months later, it got awkward to the point that we decided to break things off

That's awfully strange. When there was no deal breaker, that you speak of, anyway, instead of working on whatever issue there was, you both bailed. That means neither of you were really that into each other to begin with.

Perhaps nothing else is going on for either of you at the moment in the romance department, so an iffy thing where you're paying some attention to each other is better than nothing, and filling a void until someone you're each crazy about comes along.

When things just don't click as they should, perhaps realize this isn't a powerful connection that should exist when choosing a partner. You mention she lack in the communication area, and that bothers you. 

In your shoes, I'd end the friendship as it won't be respectful to a new romantic partner to be in communication with someone you dated for several months, and had a close friendship with for so long.