Loving the 'Wrong' People Who Give Us the 'Right' Feelings

[rainbowsandroses]

Bear with me guys, I've been going though a lot lately, and doing a lot of thinking.  Questioning my choices, what attracts me, motivates me, challenges me.

Specifically as the title states, why is it that for some of us (not all), the people who are in all likelihood so 'wrong' for us, elicit so many of the 'right' feelings in us?

By 'right', I am referring to attraction passion, love. 

Last night I watched the movie Casablanca for like the 100th time.  Each time it generates a different response in me.

Specifically, the passionate relationship between Rick Blaine, the boozy, brooding saloon owner with a questionable character and Ilsa Lund, the beautiful polished wife of Victor Laszlo, a renowned handsome, distinguished Czechoslavak Resistance leader.

Married to Victor but madly MADLY in love with Rick!!

How many of us (women since I'm a woman and questioning) have loved men like Rick?  The wrong men who gave us the right feelings?

No matter how much pleasure we get from watching Rick and Ilsa, we know this is a relationship that would never really work. 

And when we experience the same ourselves, we know deep down the relationship would never work for us either.

From the film:

Rick: Inside we both know that you belong with Victor. If you stay, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: But Rick, what about us?

Rick: We'll always have Paris. We lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

Can't speak for others, but for me and the friend (female) I watched it with last night, that was such a powerful scene, we both could barely speak afterwards!

OK it's just a movie but not far off from real life.  Just reading these forums, both women's and men's, no one is immune from loving the wrong person.  No matter how mature, logical or experienced they are.

But why?  What is it about human nature that allows our hearts to experience such strong emotions that feel so right even though logically we know that person to be all wrong?   

I suppose at the time, we're unable to even think logically!  I'm projecting but I think generally speaking it may be true.

Anyway, I am specifically interested in reading responses from people who have experienced it and if they've introspected after it was over and gained any insight from it.  But I'm open to all other responses as well. 

Or is it just one of those unknown mysteries of life and when it happens, we should think with our minds and not our hearts?  Logically versus emotionally?

In theory and ideally, yes we should!

But realistically and while in the throes of such strong emotions, I don't think it's that simple.

Thanks for reading and listening guys. 

 

[Kwothe28]

59 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But why?  What is it about human nature that allows our hearts to experience such strong emotions even though logically we know that person to be all wrong for us?  

 

Passion is not really a logical thing. I came on the Forum because I had a crush on a really special woman. Educated, pretty, very affectionate(or so Ive thought at the time). We hit it off pretty good, and could talk for hours. Even some not that very important stuff was kinda perfectly alligned. We finished same college, she is 3 years younger which is considered a perfect difference and turns out even our Grandads knew each other and dads were the same age and knew each other too(hers sadly died years ago). But I was rejected. Twice. Which it turns out was a huge blessing because, as Ive discovered, she is a huge narcissist who isnt really suited for a relationship. And who kept me around for attention.

Anyway, not really a happy ending stuff. I still see her sometimes as she is a friend of a friend and she bought an appartment 100 meters from my home. But we are just cordial now. But what I was trying to say is, passion is not really very logical. To me she was probably most perfect person when it comes to ideal girlfriend. Somebody who even inspired me a great deal to change so I could be the most perfect version of myself. But due to that passion I had, I managed to miss a myriad of red flags. Which would tell me at the start that she just isnt a right woman for me.

Its like those women who fall for "bad boys". They maybe see that those men are just bad. But decide to ignore it because of passion or just say how they could change them. While its blindingly obvious to anybody else but them that its not like that and that it would never work. But logical isnt really on the plate when passion is there. Lots of people make that mistake. Some rectify it later when passion dies down after months or years and see their mistakes, but at the start that attraction they have for whatever reason, is their main force. And it makes it hard going against it. So they abandon logical conclusion that pursuing somebody like that would make them hit their head to the wall sooner rather then later and after a while they literally hit that wall. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

ts like those women who fall for "bad boys". They maybe see that those men are just bad. But decide to ignore it because of passion or just say how they could change them. While its blindingly obvious to anybody else but them that its not like that and that it would never work. But logical isnt really on the plate when passion is there. Lots of people make that mistake. Some rectify it later when passion dies down after months or years and see their mistakes, but at the start that attraction they have for whatever reason, is their main force. And it makes it hard going against it. So they abandon logical conclusion that pursuing somebody like that would make them hit their head to the wall sooner rather then later and after a while they literally hit that wall. 

Yes that's how I see it/saw it and yes at times I fell for bad boys but fortunately escaped mostly unscathed! I didn't need to overanalyze it as Kwok commented above.  For me the answer was not to try to fall for a man who was "too nice" as in doormat/passive.  I like spunky people with an edge. But not "bad boy" types.  My husband keeps me on my toes in a really good way. He is a good person, a man of character and integrity.  Not at all a bad boy type.  

No one is "immune" from feeling all sorts of feelings -love/anger/frustration/excitement - it's how a person reacts to the feelings that is important.  So a person can feel hugely attracted to or have loving feelings for a person who is not a good person and can choose to distance themselves from that person rather than get attached. 

I first saw Casablanca all the way through around 20 years ago.  Loved it!!

[smackie9]

It's more complex than you think/portray in your example. The wrong person can mean many different things to different people. Doesn't necessarily mean "bad boy, or loser/scrub or avoidant/emotionally unavailable." Could mean just basing them on looks and not caring about personality. Family oriented vs non family oriented. Having different moral values, religion. Rescuers that hope to fix/repair the person/ codependency.  Mental illness is a whole other area that seem more evident theses days.

I think so many push for feelings and blindly neglect compatibility/ignore red flags. dating is just that, learning about ourselves, and knowing what we are looking for in the end. The more experiences/bad or good, the better we become at our choices.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, smackie9 said:

think so many push for feelings and blindly neglect compatibility/ignore red flags. dating is just that, learning about ourselves, and knowing what we are looking for in the end. The more experiences/bad or good, the better we become at our choices.

And I don't think it has to be dating experience -it can be life experiences, friendships, knowing your own strengths/weaknesses/what you are worth.  I think a combo of head and heart is best in choosing someone for a potentially serious relationship and lots of self honesty.  My mom dated maybe one person at age 14 a few times before she met my dad when she was 16 -they had their ups and downs for sure but she was loyal and loving and caring and he was the same to her as he could be in his circumstances -married 62 years. 

For me my multiple dating experiences helped but looking back I think it was more inner growth that helped me become the right person to find the right person.

I don't see it as a wrong person "giving us right feelings" -feelings aren't given to us, feelings aren't facts.  Certainly we can get weird feelings about certain people just by being around them or great feelings but that's coming from us.  And I don't think feelings of love or infatuation or passion are right or wrong -they just are.

People who look to "feel" a certain way with their entire or most of a focus on that are acting in a more self-absorbed way and looking to someone else to "make them feel" a certain way.  Yesterday I had to do a lot of giving of kindness/cutting slack as part of giving love to my husband and family and putting them first ahead of how I felt- tired, fried from solo parenting, etc.

Loving is mostly giving - not a feeling -as part of a relationship - in fact the traditional marriage vows focus on what each person will give the other from their hearts and minds..  I wasn't looking to them to make me feel the right feelings -I was looking in myself to react to my cranky feelings in the way that would best show thoughtfulness/kindness/love to my husband and son.  

[Jibralta]

15 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What is it about human nature that allows our hearts to experience such strong emotions that feel so right even though logically we know that person to be all wrong?   

Hormones.

[Jaunty]

I am not sure that those romantic, passionate and very exciting feelings are actually "right."  They feel GOOD, that's for sure.  So does a rush from drugs.  Lots of people who got addicted to drugs or alcohol felt very much like they finally found IT when they got that first hit.  

So I guess I am just not buying your whole premise that these are the RIGHT feelings only for the WRONG man.

Regarding your choice of "Casablanca" as an example - I have to take exception to it.  Mainly because the protagonist of that story is Rick.  The point of view is his, not Ilsa's.  It does not really delve into whether RIck is the "right" man for her or not; the whole point is that she is most assuredly the WRONG woman for Rick.  Because she is married to Victor Laslo.  And all 3 of them are committed to still fighting the Nazis and their past work with the Resistance.  Both Rick and Ilsa are motivated by that to not be skanky and throw Laslo under the bus.

Back in their romantic Paris days, I believe they were perfectly "right" for each other.  Ilsa thought Victor was dead, though.  

The story is about unrequited love, and placing a higher ideal (fighting Nazis) above their personal passions.

[Jaunty]

Back to the original question:  There are a significant number of people who will always choose the "wrong" person to get overwhelming feelings for.  The person might be "wrong" because they are toxic, or maybe they are simply and absolutely unavailable.  

Those (it's not a "women" or "men" thing) who tend to get deeply invested in unavailable people are doing it for psychological reasons.  They need an "out."   So they choose people who cannot and will not be there for them. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Regarding your choice of "Casablanca" as an example - I have to take exception to it.  Mainly because the protagonist of that story is Rick.  The point of view is his, not Ilsa's.  It does not really delve into whether RIck is the "right" man for her or not; the whole point is that she is most assuredly the WRONG woman for Rick. 

Thanks @Jaunty, and was my point for referring to that particular movie.

Both of them were "wrong" for each other and I DO think it delves into why that was true for both.

But yet, they had an undeniable intoxicating chemistry and fell madly in love  (the "right") feelings.

For Rick, it was just as you said - Ilsa was married. And obviously a cheater as it was suggested in the movie they had a sexual affair the night before she and Victor left Casablanca.  She was also married when she met Rick in Paris although she believed Victor to be dead at the time. 

For Ilsa, Rick was a cynical, world-weary alcoholic, with a rather questionable character, past and future. 

I don't think anyone watching believed Ilsa truly loved Victor, not like the love she had for Rick.  But logically, he (Victor) was the better choice at least at the time.

Even Rick knew that which was why, despite his intense love for her, he sent her away with Victor which ironically actually did make him the better man in the end. 

PS: Totally agree it's not a "woman or man thing), and stated that in my original post. 

 

 

 

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed per member request.