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doubt/ red flag?

fede111

By fede111
in Dating Advice

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fede111 Rookie

fede111

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Hi guys,
I was just looking for some advice. I have been dating a guy for about 4 months now ( i would say 3 because I was overseas for a month seeing family) and it had been going well. Hes a nice guy, hes considerate, kind and attentive. so in that 3 month period, we have seen each other about once or twice a week. Which is good for me, ive been in some abusive relationships so i am concious of being rushed at the start, love bombing etc. I dont feel rushed. However recently something has been bugging me. So this guy told me after maybe 2 months that he was looking for a partner.
 
We speak every day by text and some long texts. the thing is over time ive began to notice that he doesnt seem to have many friends or any. hes mentioned a few by name but in our conversations hes never really said, oh i met up with so and so, or i seen this friend. So im not sure if he has friends or the ones he has he doesnt see regularly. He mentioned to me one time where hes from and where i live in europe, the people are closed off ( which is true) and usually people make friends at school and dont allow others into that group. he has hobbies and sometimes meets up with people after one of his classes for example. but during the summer he hasnt mentioned any meetups as the classes have a break for the summer. So anyway he mentioned his ex partner a couple of times and he said when they broke up he didnt know what to do with all this new time he had, sort of suggesting he was used to spending all his time with her.
 
He then said that after a while he signed up to classes/hobbies which i thought was good. Hes mentioned a few dates with other girls/ girls hes dated and it seemed like sometimes he was going out to places with the intention of finding a partner. he also mentioned a girl who he had seen for a month and that she hadnt treated him well and he was devastated, to me this seemed a bit strange in the sense of him getting so attached after a short time. Hes started to get more attached to me i can feel it, and recently asked to go away together on a weekend away and what i was doing at christmas and what concerns me is that if he doesnt have friends or any real friends, does he expect to get his socialisation/ emotional support through me? i think this is a bad sign and unhealthy and i had an ex who had friends but didnt like them and i felt he looked to me for all his emotional support and socialisation which felt like too much and exhausting. I dont want this to repeat but dont know if im being paranoid or not. Thanks
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fede111 Rookie

fede111

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Im not sure, I haven´t asked him as I havent really wanted to broach the subject yet why our last relationships didnt work. Its also hard to broach the subject of him not really having friends as it doesnt feel nice asking someone that. I did ask him when he said about having a partner why he wanted one, he said that he liked to feel a part of something, and that like with his ex it was their routine to meet on a friday after work and if he didnt have that he didnt know what to do or he was bored or something.

 

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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24 minutes ago, fede111 said:
. Hes a nice guy, hes considerate, kind and attentive. so in that 3 month period, we have seen each other about once or twice a week. Which is good for me,. i had an ex who had friends but didnt like them and i felt he looked to me for all his emotional support and socialisation which felt like too much and exhausting.

Are you from different cultures and do you speak the same native language? How old is he? Do you both work? Go to school? Have your own interests and hobbies?

You've only been dating 16 weeks and this is the getting to know you time. 

Try to leave your baggage about your ex in the past and start fresh. Why do you only see each other once a week? Why can't you discuss heavier topics in person rather than texting marathons? 

Perhaps he's introverted and doesn't have a flock of friends around constantly, but it doesn't seem like he is suffocating you.

What besides your prior experience with your ex is a red flag if you're only seeing him once a week and after 3 mos he talks about maybe going away for the weekend?

These don't seem like red flags, so there must be something else that's making you uncomfortable besides him not having a posse of friends he talks about?

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fede111 Rookie

fede111

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yes we are from different cultures and no we dont speak the same native language.

I am starting fresh. We do speak about heavier topics in person, i was pointing out the dynamic.

hes not introverted. I pointed out a potential red flag as a question mark as i was unsure. 

well like i said the fact that he doesnt have loads of friends doesnt bother me, what i pointed out was his supposed need for a partner, there is one thing wanting to have a partner and another needing to have one, 

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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Just now, fede111 said:

Also i think the need to have a partner and to expect them to fulfill all your emotional and social needs is a red flag, 

Is he doing that to you? You're only seeing each other once a week. Seems like a cultural and language barrier or your own experience and trying to look for red flags.

 

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Tinydance Grand Master

Tinydance

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The way I would personally feel about it would depend on the actual situation. You said he's from another country in Europe. How long has he been in your country? How old are you guys? The thing is, yes it is really hard to make friends when you're older and especially if you haven't lived in that place long. Someone can know people through work or hobbies, but to have real friends you need to have a good click with people. It's actually not easy to find that click so sometimes people have acquaintances but not real friends. It seems like he is actually trying to meet people through his hobbies so it's not like he's making zero effort.

Also just because he didn't catch up with people in three months doesn't necessarily mean he literally has zero friends. For example, I have some friends from school and we actually don't catch up that often. But I've known them for 22 years so it's a friendship that's just very long lasting and comfortable. As soon as we do catch up, it always feels like no time has passed at all. I also don't catch up with one of my best friends that much because we're really busy with work, kids, etc. I've known her 20 years and it's also one of those really comfortable friendships. He might have friends but maybe he just hasn't seen them for three months.

Why don't you say to him that you should organise a group catch up and you can both invite your friends? Then you can see if he'll invite some people.

I guess it also depends whether you want a partner who is quite independent and largely lives their own life. I like that as well but some people actually get into a "relationship cave" just with their partner. I know a few people like that and they are happy to live that way.

It sounds like this guy really wants a partner and maybe put more priority on that. Which is actually not necessarily weird if he wants to settle down and have a family and so on.

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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1 minute ago, fede111 said:

there isnt a language barrier, im not looking for red flag but i think that its normal to be cautious when dating someone new

 

Yes it is. However he doesn't seem to be monopolizing your time or smothering you or being possessive or clingy. So what is actually bothering you about him that he's actually doing, rather than theories based on your ex?

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fede111 Rookie

fede111

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2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

The way I would personally feel about it would depend on the actual situation. You said he's from another country in Europe. How long has he been in your country? How old are you guys? The thing is, yes it is really hard to make friends when you're older and especially if you haven't lived in that place long. Someone can know people through work or hobbies, but to have real friends you need to have a good click with people. It's actually not easy to find that click so sometimes people have acquaintances but not real friends. It seems like he is actually trying to meet people through his hobbies so it's not like he's making zero effort.

Also just because he didn't catch up with people in three months doesn't necessarily mean he literally has zero friends. For example, I have some friends from school and we actually don't catch up that often. But I've known them for 22 years so it's a friendship that's just very long lasting and comfortable. As soon as we do catch up, it always feels like no time has passed at all. I also don't catch up with one of my best friends that much because we're really busy with work, kids, etc. I've known her 20 years and it's also one of those really comfortable friendships. He might have friends but maybe he just hasn't seen them for three months.

Why don't you say to him that you should organise a group catch up and you can both invite your friends? Then you can see if he'll invite some people.

I guess it also depends whether you want a partner who is quite independent and largely lives their own life. I like that as well but some people actually get into a "relationship cave" just with their partner. I know a few people like that and they are happy to live that way.

It sounds like this guy really wants a partner and maybe put more priority on that. Which is actually not necessarily weird if he wants to settle down and have a family and so on.

 

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

The way I would personally feel about it would depend on the actual situation. You said he's from another country in Europe. How long has he been in your country? How old are you guys? The thing is, yes it is really hard to make friends when you're older and especially if you haven't lived in that place long. Someone can know people through work or hobbies, but to have real friends you need to have a good click with people. It's actually not easy to find that click so sometimes people have acquaintances but not real friends. It seems like he is actually trying to meet people through his hobbies so it's not like he's making zero effort.

Also just because he didn't catch up with people in three months doesn't necessarily mean he literally has zero friends. For example, I have some friends from school and we actually don't catch up that often. But I've known them for 22 years so it's a friendship that's just very long lasting and comfortable. As soon as we do catch up, it always feels like no time has passed at all. I also don't catch up with one of my best friends that much because we're really busy with work, kids, etc. I've known her 20 years and it's also one of those really comfortable friendships. He might have friends but maybe he just hasn't seen them for three months.

Why don't you say to him that you should organise a group catch up and you can both invite your friends? Then you can see if he'll invite some people.

I guess it also depends whether you want a partner who is quite independent and largely lives their own life. I like that as well but some people actually get into a "relationship cave" just with their partner. I know a few people like that and they are happy to live that way.

It sounds like this guy really wants a partner and maybe put more priority on that. Which is actually not necessarily weird if he wants to settle down and have a family and so on.

Yeah, what you are saying makes sense thanks

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