Finally Not posting in the Getting Back Together forum

[lelou]

Well, It is my first time to post in the healing after break up or divorce. You can read my pasts posts to get an idea of my last 8 months.

 

It has been an on and off again nightmare with my ex of 8 years (who I was best friends with for 4 years before our 8 years together). And basically I treated him really bad for the last year and a half of our relationship, separated from him and then he finally called it quites. Realised I missed him and what a part I played in the end of our relationship. Tried to apologize, but he had already moved on. But he kept coming back into my life and then twice tried to tell me he wanted me back. Except this last time he went too far.

 

This is really hard to write, only a few people know this through my PMs. But he called me while we were in NC. I didn't answer, and he called and called and called for a week. Finally I answered one of his calls. He sounded relieved I answered. He told me he was so scared he almost ruined everything. That he sees where we both went wrong. That he wanted to start our relationship over. That he loved me and it scared the crap out of him to see the future without me. I ignored him still. But he was persistent. Finally I broke down and went with him to his aunt's house. I ended up staying the night at his place and the next day he kissed me on the forehead. He asked me out to dinner that Sunday.

 

Well, that Sunday I knew in my gut I wouldn't hear from him. And I didn't. I also knew in my gut that while he performed at a show the previous night, that he must have hooked it up with the girl who was promoting it (he had been talking to her before, but said she was fake and not his type, even called her boring). I ended up getting her number after he didn't show up and she answered and passed the phone to my ex. He was with her. And all he said to me was I'll call you back and hung up on me. (He ended up calling me the next day and sounded sad, but told me he saw her and planned on seeing her again)

 

Now this may sound like the same old story where someone stayed with a jerk too long. But the sad thing is, was my ex was wonderful to me for 11 years. He drove hours for me sometimes just to do the smallest favor. He looked at me and you could see the love. And then his uncle (basically his father) died and he changed. He became this selfish jerk. And it was like the man I knew died. And what was sad, was when he called me that day he really seemed to be my old ex again. And then poof, gone again into his own selfish world.

 

I heard he has stayed at this girl's (who he knows little about, or did) house ever since that day, which is about three weeks ago. He rarely talks to his friends. He has just started this new world.

 

And the hardest part of it all, is having someone who you loved as much as your own family treat you like crap. I have never been stood up before. Even more strange was how sure he sounded about the future when he called for those weeks. And then poof, he didn't care enough about me to even call me and tell me the truth. He practically pushed a dagger in my heart when he hung up the phone on me. Even if I wasn't in love with him anymore, I love him as a friend enough to, if I had been in his shoes, hunted him down to tell him the truth in person. I definitely wouldn't have continued on with my date knowing the pain he would have been in had I done what he did. But he stayed the night, not even bothering to worry about the girl he said a few days earlier (in tears might I add)he was sure he was going to marry. That is the hardest to deal with. The disrespect.

 

But I am trying to move on. It is hard. I have never dealt with heartbreak, especially from a long term relationship. I feel so lonely and sad. And it scares me b/c how can I trust anyone again. My ex was very trustworthy. He was a good guy. He used to talk crap about guys who did something like he did. And now he is out there not thinking about me at all and already starting a whole new life with a girl he doesn't even know that well. And the thing that makes me the most mad is I miss the jerk! I miss him so much! And he should be missing me! Well, I just wanted to vent (sorry it turned into a novel!)

 

It is just so hard to let go of someone who you have known half of your life. And sometimes it makes me sad and mad at the world that we live our lives moving on from person to person b/c we just are too lazy to work out the problems. It just seems it is easier for people to start new . And that makes me sad. I guess when it comes to relationship right now, I am just SAD! I felt lucky for so long to have someone that treated me like I was the only woman in the world. And it scares me when I think how fast he switched those feelings toward someone else. And it breaks my heart knowing he is looking at her with that look he once only gave me.

[smorgie]

My heart goes out to you, thats a horrible story. I really am at a loss for words.

 

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason though. Right now its hard to see, but everything always works out for the best.

[Dakota6560]

Lelou, I am terribly sorry for the pain you are going through. I wish I could tell you what his reasoning is because I don't know. I can tell you I am a genuine good guy and eventhough he let you down please dont' let that reflect on the rest of us. I did want to agree with you on your last comment about how people are lazy and don't want to work out are problems. You are absolutely right. It seems like they feel as if it should be perfect and any little ripple they panic and go on to the next person. It is totally unfair. I know you are going to go through a rough period right now with out him and I wish I could tell you it is going to be easy but it's not. You two have a lot of history and that is hard to forget. I do think you need to continue with the NC and the best thing I can tell you is to take it one day at a time. Don't look to much into the future and just focus on what is ahead of you. I will pray for you and I want you to know I hope everything works out for you but I need you to try to help yourself. What I mean is I know you will be down and sad but try not to let yoursefl get too down or sad. Don't doubt yourself if it was meant to be you two will work it out and if not there will be someone out there who will appreciate all that you have learned from this relationship. keep me posted on how you are doing. Okay? Be strong and I will say a prayer for you

[lelou]

Thanks Smorgie and Dakota.

 

I will keep you updated. I have definitely by now learned to not let this influence how I feel about myself. Well, actually, I am just getting to that point. I have always had a good self-esteem, but I let this bring it down pretty low. But I have gotten to a point where I can see myself worrying more about him than myself (and that just isn't like the true me). So, now I am purposely making myself focus more on me. But it is good to be reminded.

 

I posted on here because I was getting tempted to write him. I was going to e-mail him b/c the last time I talked with him I was obviously yelling. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't writing to him for his benefit, but for mine. And I wanted him to know in a more clear manner, how he hurt me that day. Not as a girlfriend, but as a best friend. but I came on here instead. He hasn't bothered e-mailing me. And if he can't see for himself how bad I must hurt by his actions that night, then why take the time to tell him.

 

Thanks again! It is good to hear kind words when I am having one of my down times

[Rainz]

Wow, this is so touching. I'm so sorry to hear of your pain and heartache right now.

 

I don't even know what to say, I'm just astounded as you are at how he can just go on as though the last 11 years was nothing, my, my.....I'm just shaking my head thinking about it.

 

You just thinkf of the prresent moment and yourself and you now just focus on YOU.

 

Remember, what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

[starion]

i am very sorry to hear your story.

as many on this board i am going through very tough time for a while now

i am afraid you will hear again from him in the future, be ready for this.

he obviously haven't moved on like you said he did.

he "escaped" the "reality" for the time being.

this new girl is his distraction, it won't last but it doesn't mean you need to get back with him

[PlayBrat]

((((((((((( Lelou)))))))) Thats a big warm hug for you. You need one...

Sorry about what's going on. Your ex sounds REALLY confused, but that's HIS problem. I agree with the last poster...I think you will hear from him again. Of course he knows he hurt you, how could he NOT know that?

The important thing here is that you not allow him back in...he does not deserve it. Keep posting here, it will help you....and please take care of yourself.

[lelou]

Thanks again everybody. I guess it is just hard at night when I know I am sitting here alone and he is with this other girl! In fact it makes me angry!

 

I feel like I should not be thinking of him. I just got this REALLY good job and I know I don't have anything to regret. However, sometimes I do think the irrational thought such as what doesn she have that I don't. I know that is stupid, and I know I am a good person.

 

About him coming back into my life. I guess this sounds bad, but I want him too! And not b/c I would take him. I am disgusted by him at this point! But to know that he really hadn't just found a replacement for me so soon. And that this new girl really is just a distraction. I am prepared to protect myself and not let him back in, but I guess there is this part of me that dies inside thinking how easy it was for him to cut me off and find this new person while I sit here upset.

 

I used to think that he had just run off with this girl and stays with her nightly so he wouldn't have to think about things. But lately I think he doesn't think about me. And that hurts horribly!!

 

I really need to get my self-esteem back on track to where I don't care if he cares. But unfortunately I am not there yet.

 

I don't think it helps that I don't have guy friends anymore. My whole life I have had a large group of guy friends, but after being with my ex for so long I finally cut them out. Now all I am surrounded by is couples!! I don't even have one single friend who is single.

 

I hope you guys are right and he hasn't just cut me out of his head completely. I hope he does call b/c I am prepared. I just want to know that people can't just leave loved ones behind and feel perfectly content!

[happythoughts]

Hello,

 

Jesus this is such a tough one. Firstly, I can absolutely guarantee that he has not forgotten you. He is just doing the only thing he knows how - to throw himself into somebody else's arms to ease the pain.

 

Everybody knows somebody who has had a rebound relationhsip to try and forget - but they never work. My ex did the same and it's only now, 15 months after our break-up, that it's hit him. It took that long!

 

Honestly, you just have to try and keep yourself together, don't call him, and I guarantee that if you leave it long enough he will get in touch, Meanwhile try not to think about this new girl at all, she is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

 

You just have to try your best to move on and cope, it's really hard but you have to. He has let you down badly (my ex did crazy things too) but I believe you when you say he was good to you and a wonderful boyfriend.

 

Just let him do his thing and who knows what the future holds. You may, like me, not care very much once enough time has passed.

 

Good luck

[lelou]

Thanks! It is good to hear that it sometimes hits them later on! I hope that when that time, and if, does come, I will be like you and be over it!!

 

It is hard, but hopefully my new job will take my mind off of everything!

[bittersweetly healed]

lelou....im sorry to hear about what youre going through but im so happy you are starting to see the positives. i can tell you that NC does help ease yourself and no matter what it does to them (mostly it drives them nuts, trust me ive had to cut off contact with the same immature boy twice lol) but it gives you time to heal YOU! these words were so hard to hear from people at first i didnt think i could ever concentrate on me...but one day, something just clicked. and its only been a month since the breakup. he was no good and brought me down anyway. just take your time for YOU!

 

for you: stay strong hun

-ashli

[aschoom]

Lelou,

I totally understand what you are going through right now because I am going through the same things. Its been some time since your last posting so I hope things have changed for you by now! If you have healed, please let me know & how.

 

You are not alone. And remember all those years that you were "single" but not alone!

 

My ex and I are trying to be friends right now and its very hard. We're trying to do things out of that "couple" mode but it HURTS so bad. People say not to get back together and see what the future holds. So, how do you if you are meant to get back together late down the road? Is that when you try again as two separate people as if you didn't have a relationship in the past?

 

Who knows?