I need help/advice on my relationship please

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok if you both want to stay in touch, but it's crystal clear that "space" meant not camping out at her place, not "no contact". 

Yes. It makes sense that anyone would be exhausted by every minute of their weekend being occupied by a guest, no matter how endearing. It sounds like she's trying to find a balance, so stay communicative and work with her on that. She's encouraging that, so pay attention rather than offer an all or nothing response that can be perceived as punitive.

[justme80]

9 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yes. It makes sense that anyone would be exhausted by every minute of their weekend being occupied by a guest, no matter how endearing. It sounds like she's trying to find a balance, so stay communicative and work with her on that. She's encouraging that, so pay attention rather than offer an all or nothing response that can be perceived as punitive.

thank you. I have not stayed at hers now for appx 5 weekends. We are still in contact via whatsapp mainly in the evenings because we work during the day. Its all just general chit chat, work etc. Im not saying anything deep etc to her, Im just keeping it light hearted. She has a very stressful job and works long hours so in the evenings she is very tired, so i keep the texts chilled. I dont want to be adding to her daily pressures.  

We saw each other yesterday for a few hours and it was nice. We held hands as we walked, but nothing to "full on". I dont want to suffocate her because i feel like if i said or did the wrong thing it would knock her back. 

We had a semi deep(ish) whatsapp conversation on saturday evening where she said she appreciates how understanding i am, and if she didnt care she would of walked away from the relationship by now. So there are glimmers of hope there, but, she never tells me that she misses me like she used to many months ago. Perhaps she doesnt want to tell me too much. I dont know. 

I have no idea when im seeing her again, and I havent brought it up in conversation. I will leave that down to her. 

[Andrina]

12 hours ago, justme80 said:

which i never really do because i don't normally go out with friends)

Why not? You can and should keep up with friends no matter if you have a partner or not. A partner will feel suffocated if she's your only priority. Life is more enjoyable with friends, and they also make your relationship more fun when you're invited on double dates and to parties, etc.

[Morello]

First of all, perhaps avoid having any deep conversations on messaging. Try to have those in person, or at least on the phone.

At this stage, I think you'd be better off doing what others have suggested, which is essentially acknowledging that she distanced herself from you and that you'd leave the ball in her court as to when and if she wants to get together romantically again (and not like friends who hold hands and give little kisses here and there). Other than that, you'd be giving her space until she can figure herself out.

As it is now, you're just her friend who meets and messages here and then when she feels lonely. You'll only get more disappointment if you keep things as they are. At this stage, you're both catering to her needs, and no one is catering to yours. You want a relationship with her, and she wants a low-energy situationship until she moves on completely. Don't stay there, or you'll only get more hurt when she eventually ends whatever you guys have.

[MissCanuck]

Is this a satisfying arrangement for you, OP? 

When you're  walking on eggshells worried about pushing someone away who has decisively pushed you away after just 6 months, you need to re-evaluate if this is really what you want. 

Your desires are important, too. There is a balance that should be struck between two people, but right now, it's all about what she wants and her needs. Be careful that you don't forget all about your own in the process. 

[justme80]

15 hours ago, Andrina said:

Why not? You can and should keep up with friends no matter if you have a partner or not. A partner will feel suffocated if she's your only priority. Life is more enjoyable with friends, and they also make your relationship more fun when you're invited on double dates and to parties, etc.

honestly, i dont really have any friends. Well, i do, from the sports club that i am member of but i only hang out with them when i goto the sports club to play my sport, i dont see them outside of this. 

My partner is the same as me, she has friends but only chooses to hang out with them when they are down at the farm to sort the horses out. She doesnt hang out with anyone socially. She prefers to do things by herself at home like crafts and making things. 

[justme80]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Is this a satisfying arrangement for you, OP? 

When you're  walking on eggshells worried about pushing someone away who has decisively pushed you away after just 6 months, you need to re-evaluate if this is really what you want. 

Your desires are important, too. There is a balance that should be struck between two people, but right now, it's all about what she wants and her needs. Be careful that you don't forget all about your own in the process. 

right now, no the arrangement does not suit me. But I am HOPING its only temporary while she has her space to figure things out. If things carry on the way they are right now then i can not continue the relationship.

[Jaunty]

I think she is discovering that she simply cannot maintain the relationship with you in her current circumstances.  

A person with horses who is competing in showing has a very significant commitment to that part of their life.   I have experience with this.  

If she's showing, she's probably invested a lot of money in the horses and it's ongoing, with boarding and showing fees.

It's not just a "responsibility" though.  For a person to be involved in something like that, there needs to be a very big draw to be there; to be around the animals, competing in the shows, working on improving, and the social aspect runs very deep too.

It seems like she has been trying to move your relationship into a more typical "dating" situation, which would probably work for her.  Spending weekends together does not work for her.

She fell for you and wanted the romance and all of that with you, but in reality it turned out to be more of a responsibility than a joyful addition due to the schedule the two of you got into.  

 

[MaryAnne7]

May I suggest another perspective? 7 months seems like it has been moving into the direction of being serious? How had the relationship progressed over this period? Had the frequency of seeing each other increased? Have you made steps towards each other to progress to the next stage (whatever it may be)? If not, she might be losing motivation because the relationship is stuck 

[justme80]

5 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

May I suggest another perspective? 7 months seems like it has been moving into the direction of being serious? How had the relationship progressed over this period? Had the frequency of seeing each other increased? Have you made steps towards each other to progress to the next stage (whatever it may be)? If not, she might be losing motivation because the relationship is stuck 

i had been spending most weekends at her from the start of our relationship for appx 5 months, so i do now see why she might feel like she wants space. She had also just moved into her new home when we met.

[boltnrun]

A friend of mine shows horses and competes in equestrian shooting events. She has two horses (I believe) that compete and also has a rescue horse she cares for. These activities work perfectly for her because her husband is a commercial pilot who obviously is away from home a LOT. Another friend is involved in sports teams and trains and competes in "mud run" events. Her husband is deployed overseas so these things fill her time. Oh, and she's also a mother.

My point is, these two women fill their time because their husbands are not available to them. They chose activities that require a big time commitment.

I'm wondering if this woman you're dating chose these activities to fill her time and is now realizing that trying to date to the extent you two were at the same time isn't sustainable. 

[justme80]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

A friend of mine shows horses and competes in equestrian shooting events. She has two horses (I believe) that compete and also has a rescue horse she cares for. These activities work perfectly for her because her husband is a commercial pilot who obviously is away from home a LOT. Another friend is involved in sports teams and trains and competes in "mud run" events. Her husband is deployed overseas so these things fill her time. Oh, and she's also a mother.

My point is, these two women fill their time because their husbands are not available to them. They chose activities that require a big time commitment.

I'm wondering if this woman you're dating chose these activities to fill her time and is now realizing that trying to date to the extent you two were at the same time isn't sustainable. 

the horse and her horse shows were around with her LONG before we were seeing each other. I have always encouraged her to do the horse shows, with or without me. 

She was with someone for 12 years (married for 3 years) before she met me and she did the horse thing then. Shes been around horses and done shows since childhood. 

I have told her that perhaps she was right, perhaps things have moved too fast and I am willing to slow things down. We are still talking each day (on whatsapp) and its her thats reaching out to me. Perhaps she is too afraid to tell me its over. 

I am going to see how things pan out for a period of time before i decided to have "the chat" to end things. I totally respect that she wants to follow her passion, but if she truly wanted to make time for someone she liked or loved, then surely she would. 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, justme80 said:

I am going to see how things pan out for a period of time before i decided to have "the chat" to end things. I totally respect that she wants to follow her passion, but if she truly wanted to make time for someone she liked or loved, then surely she would. 

She would.  But it would have to "fit."  You spending every weekend at her house when she works full time and has an active hobby with her horses that happens on the weekends do not fit, and it's not possible for them to do so.   

Seems like you both have been trying to "backpedal" somewhat and just have some normal dates together, but it's really not possible to unwind what had already been established and proven not to work.