Would I be violating my husband's boundaries?

[Cherylyn]

He sounds weird,  sneaky and immoral.  He sounds like he gaslights a lot, too.  It's all bad. 🥵

You can't change him.  Either accept him as is or there is the door.  It's your choice.  He sounds like a bad apple. 

I hope someday you can be with the type of husband who is of solid character and whom you know is a decent and honorable human being without any shadiness on the side.  ☹️

[Jaunty]

12 hours ago, 15yearsofservice said:

HE GETS DEFENSIVE FOR EVERYTHING no matter how I spin it. So far we are just not talking to each other because he pretty much shut down any possibility of a conversation earlier today and I'm fuming so much I could land in space. 

Quote

The marriage is great, and I mean that honestly. I really felt like I married my best friend. 

The above two quotes are mutually exclusive.  You need to face some hard truths.

[tattoobunnie]

13 hours ago, 15yearsofservice said:

HE GETS DEFENSIVE FOR EVERYTHING no matter how I spin it. So far we are just not talking to each other because he pretty much shut down any possibility of a conversation

People who's go to reply is to gaslight you shows that all you really know about him is just the tip of the iceberg.  He knows what he is doing is inappropriate, but he doesn't care.  Don't let up on this; what you enable now, will only get worse.  You've only known him for less than two years, and he's already causing you a great deal of anxiety, and you have to walk on egg shells around him.  That's isn't intimacy, honestly, and he's not showing you any respect.  The following other strange women, nevermind what social media platform, imagine finding a box of photos of random woman he regularly looks, adds to, and has access to, while next to you in bed.  I would never accept this behavior, and neither should you.  The fact that you can't have a civil conversation about it without making you feel like sh*t, he is selfish.

He takes zero accountability.  It doesn't get better.  Because he married you while keeping something secret or misrepresenting himself you may be able to get an annulment.

[Wonderstruck]

17 hours ago, bluecastle said:

To say nothing of: Do you believe that amassing a collection of pixilated peach emojis has a place in a marriage? 

Can I ask why you refer to women as "peach emojis"?

This is the SECOND time that I've seen you use that term on this forum.

It sounds incredibly degrading.

[bluecastle]

17 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

Can I ask why you refer to women as "peach emojis"?

Didn't mean to offend, you or anyone. Sincere apologies if that's the case. 

My understanding is that in the culture of social media thirst—and the trapping of said thirst—the peach emoji is a common response to suggestive photos and a kind of stand-in for the female human behind. As in: influencer type posts saucy photo, and followers comment with a peach emoji, maybe interwoven with the fire emoji. Example given: Kim Kardashian circa 2016 and the many KK aspirants that can be found on SM. 

So I was being a bit flip—or attempting to—in referencing that her husband seems to have a thing for using social media to follow women whose "peach emojis" are prominently featured in their feeds. 

Potentially tone deaf or convoluted, I concede, but my intention was not to refer to women as "peach emojis" but the kind of pixilated content OP is unnerved in discovering her husband consumes on IG. 

 

[Wonderstruck]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

My understanding is that in the culture of social media thirst—and the trapping of said thirst—the peach emoji is a common response to suggestive photos and a kind of stand-in for the female human behind.

That's what I figured, which is why I think that it sounds degrading.

Referring to a human being as a sexually suggestive emoji.

 

5 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Potentially tone deaf of convoluted, I concede, but my intention was not to refer to women as "peach emojis" but the kind of pixilated content OP is unnerved in discovering her husband consumes on IG. 

Except that the first time that I saw you use the term, you weren't talking about a woman posting a sexually provocative photo on Social Media, you were simply referring to a young girl in her early 20's.

Anyway, I don't want to derail this thread off-topic, but would you be able to stop using that term to refer to women? It makes me extremely uncomfortable.

[Wonderstruck]

13 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

His boundaries are basically "Do not question me on what I do"  That is not a boundary, that is a directive.  Marriages, good marriages are not structured with directives and commands.

 

13 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

He gets defensive when you bring up certain subjects because he doesn't want to admit what he has been up to.  If he felt like he truly wasn't doing anything wrong he wouldn't get defensive would he?

Nailed it.

He KNOWS that what he's doing is wrong and he has no intention of stopping.

Which reveals that he has no respect for you or loyalty to you.

I hope that you find the strength to leave, and find someone who would never dream of treating you this way.

[bluecastle]

17 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

Anyway, I don't want to derail this thread off-topic, but would you be able to stop using that term to refer to women?

I'm happy to retire the phrase when referencing matters of thirst and/or the perception of an OP describing anyone, digital or otherwise, motivated by the trapping of thirst. Truly didn't mean it to be degrading, more like an appropriation of the issue being dissected. But that it strikes anyone that way is reason enough to search for more nuanced language.  

And, curiously, I don't think this is a derailment of the topic, so much as a case study in addressing something in a straightforward manner. I like this site a lot, don't come on here intending to offend. Now, knowing that my way of synthesizing pop cultural tropes into a little riff has done so, I'm more than happy to adjust for another forum member.

Which is to say, to OP: If your husband is immune to listening to you, quick to muzzle you, and lacks the ability to take seriously a matter that is unnerving you, you have on your hands an issue that is much larger and more corrosive than his juvenile proclivities when it comes to Instagram. 

 

[lostandhurt]

23 hours ago, 15yearsofservice said:

Also all you non social media people, please don't even comment talking about social media isn't real life.... I will block you. we ALL know it isn't but that doesn't mean our partners can just behave like ***ing creeps and we just have to accept it bc it's *~just social media*~ 

So reading all your replies and these two sentences it feels like you are somewhat controlling.  Would you describe yourself as "My way or nothing" type of person?  Threatening to block someone because they do not view social media the way you do or mention it isn't real seems a bit domineering. 

Since you stated everything is wonderful in the marriage except this issue it got me looking at this from the other side, his side.  If you speak to him like you wrote above it could well be why he simply doesn't want to discuss it with you.  Since he looks at IG models or women or porn he is a ______creep?

Perhaps it is time to revisit the watching porn agreement and include other online content.

Lost