Why does my partner always need to be right?

[Tahivicular]

I’m constantly blamed nowadays for things that are meaningless on their face. Her (39) latest “Thing” is that when I open the wine with the wine opener, since I’m a lefty, I make it so she can’t do it (she’s a righty). When the reality is that she doesn’t know how to use a wine opener. It sounds silly because it is - but she will cause a massive scene over something so stupid. Im 35. 

[Cherylyn]

Teach her how to use the wine opener properly then.  🙄

[Tahivicular]

Oh trust me I would love to…but it’s impossible when someone isn’t open to learning. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Tahivicular said:

 I’m a lefty, I make it so she can’t do it (she’s a righty). When the reality is that she doesn’t know how to use a wine opener.

How long have you been dating? How do you get along otherwise? What does your handedness have to do with anything? 

If your relationship is on the rocks because of this, consider screwtop wine. It's not as good but at least you won't argue about this topic.

However it seems if it isn't corkscrews, it would be something else she has to "learn". 

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Tahivicular said:

Oh trust me I would love to…but it’s impossible when someone isn’t open to learning. 

Then you need to determine if you are tolerant of her behavior or not.  If not,  you will know how long this relationship will last or not last.

[shouldhavelearned]

Has to be more to the story 

[Lambert]

I saw a meme on the internet that said something like, "before you decide you have depression, make sure you are not in fact surrounded by A-Holes."

LOL

If someone always has to be right, that is a character flaw.  And you don't want to live with a person like that.  It will in fact make you miserable.  

[Tahivicular]

But my real question is - how do I approach this without starting a fight? When I say she always has to be right, I’m truly not kidding. Not long ago on vacation we were following a map to our hotel and we’re going in the wrong direction because she mapped it wrong. According to her, it was my fault because I changed the address… but it was the address she entered originally. lol I double checked later on her phone and confirmed she entered the wrong address but never brought it up. This caused the entire first day of our trip to be ruined. It’s senseless.

[boltnrun]

32 minutes ago, Tahivicular said:

how do I approach this without starting a fight?

You can't, because her GOAL is to fight. She doesn't want things to be smooth and harmonious. She wants to be able to berate you for being "wrong" so she can feel superior to you.

The real question is...why do you want to continue to subject yourself to this madness? "But I LOVE her!" or "But other than when she's picking me apart for things I didn't even do she's lovely!" will not solve your issue. 

Tell her to knock it off and if she doesn't want to, you're walking. Yes, some people need to have things clearly spelled out for them or they'll walk all over you. (Personally I wouldn't bother. I'd be out. But if you aren't ready to walk...)

[Tahivicular]

Understood. So Your theory of the case is that she is aware of what she’s doing and she’s doing it on purpose. Is that you theory? if that’s not The theory do you think that a form of couples therapy could uncover and at-least point her in the right direction?

 

if she doesn’t respond to therapy I think it’s fair to walk honestly. We’ve been together for 7/8 years to answer your question. 

[boltnrun]

Couples therapy works when both parties agree they are each at fault to some degree and both are humble enough to understand there are things they need to work on.

Has she ever said she's sorry for blaming you for something that wasn't your fault? Has she ever said she knows she's being unfair to you? Has she said she would like to make changes in how she interacts with you?

If she hasn't done any of those things and doesn't ever admit she was wrong... it's unlikely she'll agree to therapy. OR, she may agree but will use the sessions to point out YOUR faults.

Has she been like this your entire relationship? If so, what motivates you to stick around? Are you hoping she'll "change"?

[Tahivicular]

She rarely says sorry, in fact when I ask her for an apology she uses it as an excuse to give me the cold shoulder - again - because I was wrong and she was right. 

very very rarely will she apologize. It tends to be when she’s clearly at fault for something. If it’s objective she’ll never take blame for it, even when it’s obvious that it’s her fault. 
 

why do I stay…when it’s good it’s good. And it’s good a lot. I would hope she would be open to change. But this weekend in particular was bad. “Joking” around the she tries to get me hobbies to get me out of the house, the wine opener fiasco, i walked outside without my shoes on (we live in a beach town) and she’s calling me names for doing so..just hurting feelings without a sense for it. Or maybe she does….

question about the therapy - would the therapist call her out for the is if it was the case?

[boltnrun]

So the abuse you put up with is completely cancelled out when she's somewhat nice to you? 

I guess I don't understand what can be so blissfully good that you're willing to put up with her berating and ridiculing you and calling you names.

Do you berate and ridicule her and call her names? If not, why not? Do you believe calling someone names and insulting them is a loving thing to do?

It isn't a therapist's job to call anyone out. Their job is to work with a WILLING couple to help them communicate better and improve their relationship. Calling someone out is a hostile act (as you well know) and a good therapist will not engage in hostile acts.

Do you truly think your partner is willing to admit she has things she needs to improve on? Is she humble enough to say "Yes, I could do better. Yes, I'm willing to work with a therapist."

[Tahivicular]

I genuinely cannot see her saying out loud that she has things to work on. I really can’t. Funny - she, for a while, asking me to change things and I admitted to having a few things to work on. I don’t see a scenario where she says the same. You’ve helped me think about that. Thank you. 
 

I’m not entirely certain what the best next step is. Obviously a full blown breakup is an option. But it’s really difficult to pinpoint a concrete next step. I want her to come around and be normal about this *** and it angers me that she isn’t. It really does. 

[MissCanuck]

If she's not open to couple's therapy, then it's time to break up. 

25 minutes ago, Tahivicular said:

I want her to come around and be normal about this ***

This isn't her "normal", though. After 7 or 8 years, what do you not understand about that? I don't agree with her behaviour, to be clear. I would have kicked her to the curb a while ago. But you've chosen to stay in spite of seeing that this is who she is. She isn't going to come around because she doesn't see any reason to. She wants to be a jerk. 

[Tahivicular]

yeah it’s interesting because I don’t recall it ever being THIS difficult and painful otherwise I would have broken up with her. It almost feels like maybe she’s not enjoying the relationship like she once did which is very possible. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to do couples therapy to suss that out. I will bring it up and circle back to this thread to see how she takes wanting to do couples therapy. Thanks thus far.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Tahivicular said:

Question about the therapy - would the therapist call her out for the is if it was the case?

Unfortunately it's seems like you two are in a chronic power struggle which both of you perpetuate.

There seems to be underlying issues which manifest in arguing about arguing and picking these who's right, who's wrong fights. Stop and think about it.

Why be at each other's throats over the inaccuracies of Google maps and corkscrew techniques?

Clearly there is no absolute "right" or "wrong" way to do anything, it's just the canvas you two are choosing to express the need for power and control as well as expressing hostility and contempt.

No, therapists won't take "your" side against her. That's not the purpose. Try to reflect what the real issues are.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Tahivicular said:

Oh trust me I would love to…but it’s impossible when someone isn’t open to learning. 

Maybe "someone" isn't open to expressing oneself in an open and direct way using I statements -do you do the whole sulky/passive thing? I'd give this one more chance so you know you did "I feel frustrated when you want to be right instead of close. For example, you were very focused on being right about the directions where we were going.  I felt upset because you decided not to consider whether it was a miscommunication or you forgot what address you put in to get directions."

At least give it a shot -that way she sees you choose being close over being right - I mean what a waste to ruin a whole day over some toddler-like need to be "right".  

[Tahivicular]

I’m not asking for a therapist to take a side. Actually quite the opposite - I’m asking, will a therapist step back, as a third party, and say hey we need to be looking at this in a different way. Because I know that we need to be. She does not. She needs a third party to tell her. I think this is also why she does not engage her friends on the topic because she already knows what they are going to say

[Tahivicular]

I do agree with the power struggle thing. When she comes at me saying that I “broke the bottle opener” or “went the wrong way” and I know for a fact that I’m not in the wrong, it’s almost impossible for me to take the high road. And why should I? Shouldn’t a relationship be fair in that she acknowledges when she’s wrong regardless of how small / silly the topic is? I do…I am the first one to admit I’m wrong on something or apologize. So yesterday with the bottle opener I said “It’s all my fault again right? Have you ever considered that you just don’t know how to use a bottle opener” And she started bringing up other stuff to “one up”. I truly think it’s a power thing to your point. And worse yet the people around her will notice it if they are with us. 

[Tahivicular]

51 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe "someone" isn't open to expressing oneself in an open and direct way using I statements -do you do the whole sulky/passive thing? I'd give this one more chance so you know you did "I feel frustrated when you want to be right instead of close. For example, you were very focused on being right about the directions where we were going.  I felt upset because you decided not to consider whether it was a miscommunication or you forgot what address you put in to get directions."

At least give it a shot -that way she sees you choose being close over being right - I mean what a waste to ruin a whole day over some toddler-like need to be "right".  

I like this- today on our drive home I’m going to discuss with her that, instead of simply asking me to open the wine and continue a good night, you decided to blame me for something instead of considering that maybe you just needed a little help opening be bottle which is normal and fine. 
 

even as I right this I am shocked at how I’m blamed for “using a bottle opener wrong”. Truly a disgrace that this relationship has descended into this mess.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Tahivicular said:

 I said “It’s all my fault again right? Have you ever considered that you just don’t know how to use a bottle opener” 

Exactly. You're escalating the power struggle as much as she is.  You can't really rally up a judge and jury against her in the form of third parties, therapists and friends. What you can do is walk away.

Whether from a particular argument or the relationship. How long have you lived together? Is it her house, your house or do you co-lease or co-own? 

Do you both work and contribute roughly equally in terms of household responsibilities and finances? 

There seems to be some resentment and inequality driving this hostility and power struggle. And no unfortunately a therapist can not call her out and team up with you against her. It's unethical.

[Tahivicular]

It’s my house - we share household financial contributions. I wouldn’t say it’s down the middle equal- but it’s probably 60/40 in my favor. It’s something I do being the “breadwinner”. she does fine on her own but since I earn a little more, I pony up a little more. It’s worth noting that I never throw in her face. 

[Tahivicular]

So in what we’ll call the “bottle opener fiasco” I did walk away. Albeit late…After saying a few “choice words” but I went outside and called up a friend just to chat about something separate. This de-escalated the situation and improve the temperature in the room for sure. I just want to solve the underlying thing so I don’t have to leave the room.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Tahivicular said:

I just want to solve the underlying thing so I don’t have to leave the room.

Does she allow you to de-escalate?  Or does she follow you to continue the argument?  Or does she bring things up that are unrelated to the current argument, things that happened in the past?

As I said before, therapy is great when BOTH parties care about one another and about retaining the relationship and both want to improve themselves.  It won't work if one or the other has a goal of "changing" the other one.  See the difference?