Tahivicular

So in what we’ll call the “bottle opener fiasco” I did walk away. Albeit late…After saying a few “choice words” but I went outside and called up a friend just to chat about something separate. This de-escalated the situation and improve the temperature in the room for sure. I just want to solve the underlying thing so I don’t have to leave the room.

It’s my house - we share household financial contributions. I wouldn’t say it’s down the middle equal- but it’s probably 60/40 in my favor. It’s something I do being the “breadwinner”. she does fine on her own but since I earn a little more, I pony up a little more. It’s worth noting that I never throw in her face.

I like this- today on our drive home I’m going to discuss with her that, instead of simply asking me to open the wine and continue a good night, you decided to blame me for something instead of considering that maybe you just needed a little help opening be bottle which is normal and fine. even as I right this I am shocked at how I’m blamed for “using a bottle opener wrong”. Truly a disgrace that this relationship has descended into this mess.

I do agree with the power struggle thing. When she comes at me saying that I “broke the bottle opener” or “went the wrong way” and I know for a fact that I’m not in the wrong, it’s almost impossible for me to take the high road. And why should I? Shouldn’t a relationship be fair in that she acknowledges when she’s wrong regardless of how small / silly the topic is? I do…I am the first one to admit I’m wrong on something or apologize. So yesterday with the bottle opener I said “It’s all my fault again right? Have you ever considered that you just don’t know how to use a bottle opener” And she started bringing up other stuff to “one up”. I truly think it’s a power thing to your point. And worse yet the people around her will notice it if they are with us.

I’m not asking for a therapist to take a side. Actually quite the opposite - I’m asking, will a therapist step back, as a third party, and say hey we need to be looking at this in a different way. Because I know that we need to be. She does not. She needs a third party to tell her. I think this is also why she does not engage her friends on the topic because she already knows what they are going to say

yeah it’s interesting because I don’t recall it ever being THIS difficult and painful otherwise I would have broken up with her. It almost feels like maybe she’s not enjoying the relationship like she once did which is very possible. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to do couples therapy to suss that out. I will bring it up and circle back to this thread to see how she takes wanting to do couples therapy. Thanks thus far.

I genuinely cannot see her saying out loud that she has things to work on. I really can’t. Funny - she, for a while, asking me to change things and I admitted to having a few things to work on. I don’t see a scenario where she says the same. You’ve helped me think about that. Thank you. I’m not entirely certain what the best next step is. Obviously a full blown breakup is an option. But it’s really difficult to pinpoint a concrete next step. I want her to come around and be normal about this *** and it angers me that she isn’t. It really does.

She rarely says sorry, in fact when I ask her for an apology she uses it as an excuse to give me the cold shoulder - again - because I was wrong and she was right. very very rarely will she apologize. It tends to be when she’s clearly at fault for something. If it’s objective she’ll never take blame for it, even when it’s obvious that it’s her fault. why do I stay…when it’s good it’s good. And it’s good a lot. I would hope she would be open to change. But this weekend in particular was bad. “Joking” around the she tries to get me hobbies to get me out of the house, the wine opener fiasco, i walked outside without my shoes on (we live in a beach town) and she’s calling me names for doing so..just hurting feelings without a sense for it. Or maybe she does…. question about the therapy - would the therapist call her out for the is if it was the case?

Understood. So Your theory of the case is that she is aware of what she’s doing and she’s doing it on purpose. Is that you theory? if that’s not The theory do you think that a form of couples therapy could uncover and at-least point her in the right direction? if she doesn’t respond to therapy I think it’s fair to walk honestly. We’ve been together for 7/8 years to answer your question.

But my real question is - how do I approach this without starting a fight? When I say she always has to be right, I’m truly not kidding. Not long ago on vacation we were following a map to our hotel and we’re going in the wrong direction because she mapped it wrong. According to her, it was my fault because I changed the address… but it was the address she entered originally. lol I double checked later on her phone and confirmed she entered the wrong address but never brought it up. This caused the entire first day of our trip to be ruined. It’s senseless.

Oh trust me I would love to…but it’s impossible when someone isn’t open to learning.

I’m constantly blamed nowadays for things that are meaningless on their face. Her (39) latest “Thing” is that when I open the wine with the wine opener, since I’m a lefty, I make it so she can’t do it (she’s a righty). When the reality is that she doesn’t know how to use a wine opener. It sounds silly because it is - but she will cause a massive scene over something so stupid. Im 35.