HELP! Should i forget him?

[catfeeder]

I don’t think the girl had anything to do with it. He’s either dealing to her or pimping her. 

[ElizabethI]

3 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

Look up "Love Bombing".

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing/#:~:text=Love bombing is a form,Excessive flattery and praise.

Love Bombers are often people with addictive personalities, who "love bomb" so that they can feel the hot heat of their target, only to move on quickly once they realize the target is "theirs".  The thrill is no longer there, so they must feed their addiction, through another target.

Once he shared his truth with you, and you accepted, he was like....um ok, she's cool with all this, she's not going to run.  So I am.  Because the thrill, for him, is gone, unfortunately.

She is just his flavor of the day.  If you both go to the same sauna, you will see him with others in the future.  In fact, If I had to guess, he's bringing this girl just so that you will, by chance, run into him, because the jealousy he's sure you'll feel also feeds him.

I'd venture  to guess  that you'll see him with girls of other ethnicities, other hair colors, etc., as, to him, it's not interesting if it's not different from the last.

I'm so sorry you experienced this.  Such a disappointment, to feel like you finally found someone who gets you, who opens up to you, with whom you feel such chemistry, only to.....boom....be done with you.  

I'm not saying he's a Narcissist, but here's a pattern:  Idealize, Devalue, Replace, Discard.  I don't know about the Devalue stage, i.e., I'm not sure if he devalued you (although he may have, to her), but all the other 3 are right on target.  He "has" to do this, to feel his own worth.

Head held high, my dear.  Something about the way you write, tells me that you are a beautiful woman, with a heart of gold.  Hold out for the right man, and don't promise to change your life for anyone, as you are just great as is.

Thank you so much. And thanks for providing the link. My sister also thinks that he was hoping that i see him with a girl. She doesn't believe he coincidentally came to the spa with her. That is so highschool honestly but if it was meant to put me down- well it worked! But thanks for the encouragement! I wish sociopaths came with a forehead sticker or something. Sooo convincing! God bless you for the insight.

[ElizabethI]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry but this is just too funny. Because by this he was in a gang and they all had an orgy. Which I am 99% sure you didnt mean it but it does sound like that. 🤣

Also it does sounds so stereotypical. Only thing missing is if you are a curvy black woman and that he replaced you with skinny white one. Heck even if you are a white woman, it does play into a stereotype of him liking white women. Something black women complain on internet all the time and how "white women take their men" lol

Though I wouldnt look at it through race. There are many cases like yours here on Forum and none is connected to race. You just ran into "a player". Somebody who would "wine and dine" you for some fun. When he found another "fun"(if he even didnt go out with both of you simultaneously) he just ditched you. I mean, why do you think he was OK with you being still married? But you read that as him being "so into you that he just wanted to have you all for himself". His whole "vibe" is so pushy that you should have seen that way sooner. But hey, he was "hot" so you were flattered he was so into you and didnt care to read the signs properly.

By gang bang i obviously meant shot at each other with guns LOL! Yeah you are right- i got played! I was none the wiser.

[LootieTootie]

This is a conman.

I also don't think it was a coincidence he showed up with a girl in his arms after he 'broke up' with you since you live in a small town and thats where you both met.

He is right that he's a bad guy. But you know what? Girls love bad boys and I think he was wondering why you weren't chasing him after he 'broke up' with you. When you didn't beg him to change his mind or keep bothering him looking for answers, it was probably a blow to his ego.

Sadly it was too good to be true and some people are just very good at lying. I'm sorry you went thru this but this guy after breaking up with you over text, has done you a big favor of finding out his true colors now than later.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

19 hours ago, ElizabethI said:

he kept saying how he wants me FOREVER. He kept insisting on the FOREVER part.

This a huge red flag. You can't take this sort of thing seriously when you have only had a few dates with someone. Nor this: 

16 hours ago, ElizabethI said:

.One time i was like "raise your glass baby- a toast" And then we both wondered to what? And he stood up and yelled to the whole bar,"listen up people i'm gonna marry this woman someday! A toast to that."....I was blushing so badly all those strangers cheering!

This had me cringing very hard. I realize it probably felt good to you in the moment, but it is beyond worrying that a man you hardly know pulls silly stunts like this. 

I think this man smelled your vulnerabilities a mile away and zeroed in on you, knowing exactly what buttons to push to charm you and take what he wanted. Then he discarded you when he'd gotten his fill, and you are left reeling because you believed it meant something more. This guy had red flags all over him from the beginning, though, even if you didn't want to admit that to yourself. 

I would strongly urge you to take time off dating until you really heal from your separation. Right now, you are very vulnerable to people who will take advantage of your loneliness.

[ElizabethI]

24 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This a huge red flag. You can't take this sort of thing seriously when you have only had a few dates with someone. Nor this: 

This had me cringing very hard. I realize it probably felt good to you in the moment, but it is beyond worrying that a man you hardly know pulls silly stunts like this. 

I think this man smelled your vulnerabilities a mile away and zeroed in on you, knowing exactly what buttons to push to charm you and take what he wanted. Then he discarded you when he'd gotten his fill, and you are left reeling because you believed it meant something more. This guy had red flags all over him from the beginning, though, even if you didn't want to admit that to yourself. 

I would strongly urge you to take time off dating until you really heal from your separation. Right now, you are very vulnerable to people who will take advantage of your loneliness.

Two things you have right:

1)He did have red flags which i refused to take a closer look at and if i am being honest here- it's because he is very very very hot. Looking back i can admit it. Ashamed to admit it but it's true!

One incident in particular- we were out at a restaurant and an overweight girl told him to move his chair. He did not hear her and so i signalled him to get out of her way- she was behind him trying to squeeze through- when he turned around, she rolled her eyes at him and yelled at him, "You might wanna chew quieter pretty boy. The whole restaurant can hear you chewing. MOVE!!!" before pushing him away.

He turned around and said to her,"You might want to not chew at all miss. Piggy, you look like you ate your whole family- quit chewing all together! Get the f*ck out of my face before i break it into 8 equal pieces you fat biitch!" 😳

That was a red flag right there!

A red flag which i chose to just laugh off.

As ashamed as i am to admit- I found it to be quiet funny at the moment. They were both crazy and it was hillarious!

Looking back though men don't generally answer us women when we roll our eyes at them let alone threaten to punch us 🤔

At the supermarket, at the parking lot, at the mall you name it- we are rude to men all day but men don't take us on 🤔 They tend to just ignore us when we are being mean to them in public. So that was harsh of him towards her!

2.You are also right- him declaring out loud at the bar that he'd marry me someday made me feel great especially after drinks. Looking back i was just slow! He was/is a good manipulator.

Thanks for pointing out that maybe i need more time before dating. God bless!

[ElizabethI]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I don’t think the girl had anything to do with it. He’s either dealing to her or pimping her. 

It's funny you should say that- because if i am being honest for some strange reason her aura was good- She looked like a broke version of Amy Winehouse and not in a good "i'm broke but cooler than you all punk rock" hot look,no just in a bad way. Like just high and just meh with the "dog chains" and dark makeup and everything but her aura- can't explain was that of someone gentle 🤔 Again i could be wrong maybe she was just high on drugs and was in the zone but when he approached me out of the Sauna to find out how i am fairing- with her on his side- she didn't give me any bad energy. She was very calm- actually gave me a good vibe, like someone who'd be my friend. Which is strange but i did notice it oh well i wish them well! I just feel like 1 week *sigh* what is he doing with a chic 1 weel later! It's awful! Thanks for the insight though. Appreciated.

[ElizabethI]

4 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

This is a conman.

I also don't think it was a coincidence he showed up with a girl in his arms after he 'broke up' with you since you live in a small town and thats where you both met.

He is right that he's a bad guy. But you know what? Girls love bad boys and I think he was wondering why you weren't chasing him after he 'broke up' with you. When you didn't beg him to change his mind or keep bothering him looking for answers, it was probably a blow to his ego.

Sadly it was too good to be true and some people are just very good at lying. I'm sorry you went thru this but this guy after breaking up with you over text, has done you a big favor of finding out his true colors now than later.

 

 

Easier said than done my dear 😪 It's like the head knows but the heart does not care. I am really considering moving. But i have to be honest the comments here from total strangers really feel like hugs. I am surprised. Like people know these things! It's not so shocking. It has happened under the sun to many. I am not some kind of weirdo afterall pheww! 🤧 There is a weird comfort in that. Thank you.

[catfeeder]

37 minutes ago, ElizabethI said:

Easier said than done my dear 😪 It's like the head knows but the heart does not care. I am really considering moving. But i have to be honest the comments here from total strangers really feel like hugs. I am surprised. Like people know these things! It's not so shocking. It has happened under the sun to many. I am not some kind of weirdo afterall pheww! 🤧 There is a weird comfort in that. Thank you.

Hah! Nope, you’re not a weirdo, just suffering some of the slings and arrows typical of the dating world. Think of dating as sifting through a haystack to find the golden needle. The odds are slim unless you are organized, methodical, patient and not easily discouraged every time a golden piece of straw mimics the coveted needle.

Just place it aside and keep forging ahead to sift through the next pile. Take breaks from the endeavor as you need them, but don’t allow your most discouraging critical voice to hypnotize you into believing negative things about yourself.

Our self image is all we’ve really got. Trash that, and you are as sunk as you talk yourself into believing. Instead, form a habit of speaking to yourself in the manner you’d expect to hear from a private coach should you have hired one. That voice’s job is to keep you acting, thinking and believing in your own best interests.

So say you have two options about what you’ll choose to believe in any given situation. Some guy who you think is fabulous rejects you, so you must be a worm, or, the guy is fabulous but lacks the vision and capacity to view you through the right lens?

Well, don’t you deserve to find simpatico with someone who gets you and can see and appreciate your unique value?

Rejection only speaks of another’s limits rather than of any deficiency in you.

When you try to fit two pieces of a puzzle that don’t belong together, it doesn’t make either piece ‘wrong’. But if you try to force a fit, it impacts the whole outcome of the rest of your project.

So invest less up front, test and screen out bad matches, and allow those to pass early. Focus instead on your big picture, and don’t get sidetracked by charismatic combinations that will not work.

Head high, you can do this.

[LootieTootie]

5 hours ago, ElizabethI said:

 

One incident in particular- we were out at a restaurant and an overweight girl told him to move his chair. He did not hear her and so i signalled him to get out of her way- she was behind him trying to squeeze through- when he turned around, she rolled her eyes at him and yelled at him, "You might wanna chew quieter pretty boy. The whole restaurant can hear you chewing. MOVE!!!" before pushing him away.

He turned around and said to her,"You might want to not chew at all miss. Piggy, you look like you ate your whole family- quit chewing all together! Get the f*ck out of my face before i break it into 8 equal pieces you fat biitch!" 😳

 

Nope. This guy is trouble. You dodged a bullet alright. Threatening violence to a woman he hardly knows, should go back to prison where he belongs.

[ElizabethI]

12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

When you try to fit two pieces of a puzzle that don’t belong together, it doesn’t make either piece ‘wrong’. But if you try to force a fit, it impacts the whole outcome of the rest of your project.

This is a breath of fresh air. Thanks so much!