Nervous for a date

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. I want to find real love so badly. Meet the right guy. 

You'll have to start seeing each other in person if that's what you want. If you refuse to plan anything when he asks you to because of some rulebook, how's that going to happen? The best way to find love is to stop playing games.

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You'll have to start seeing each other in person if that's what you want. If you refuse to plan anything when he asks you to because of some rulebook, how's that going to happen? The best way to find love is to stop playing games.

But he hasn't asked me to plan anything. I suggested plans. 

[boltnrun]

So far he's great at getting you to respond to his texts but not so great at actually seeing you in person.

What do you want? Words on your phone screen? Or someone to actually spend time with?

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So far he's great at getting you to respond to his texts but not so great at actually seeing you in person.

What do you want? Words on your phone screen? Or someone to actually spend time with?

I want to spend quality time together. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

But he hasn't asked me to plan anything. I suggested plans. 

He stopped responding when you started jerking him around about Saturday.

[Alex39]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

He stopped responding when you started jerking him around about Saturday.

So I messed up? I was just wanting to see him. And I was trying to give options. What do I do?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

So I messed up? I was just wanting to see him. And I was trying to give options. What do I do?

What "options"? When he asked you what you wanted to do Saturday you jerked him around rather than sending him a link  or have a specific idea in mind. Hopefully this friend is not coaching you to play games like ignore texts for exactly one hour and "tease" him and play coy when he says he's free Saturday, what time and place. 

[Alex39]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

What "options"? When he asked you what you wanted to do Saturday you jerked him around rather than sending him a link  or have a specific idea in mind. Hopefully this friend is not coaching you to play games like ignore texts for exactly one hour and "tease" him and play coy when he says he's free Saturday, what time and place. 

So I should just be upfront, plan everything all the time, and tomorrow should just present him with the plan?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

So I should just be upfront, plan everything all the time, and tomorrow should just present him with the plan?

He said he was free Saturday. How is that "all the time"? When he suggested breakfast, you blew it off and wanted to do something else.

All you need to do is decide if you want to play games  or go out on dates.

Actually it almost seems like you're trying to avoid seeing him.

You did mention there was not that much chemistry and then you told him you didn't have anything in common after he mentioned that you did.

If you really don't want to see him, just say so rather than jerking him around this much.

[boltnrun]

23 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I want to spend quality time together. 

OK, so give it one more shot. Ask him out for Saturday. With a specific plan and time. If he doesn't respond or gives you any kind of a flaky response or cancels on you again, decide if you want to continue with useless, meaningless texts for however long it lasts or if you want to actually date someone.

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

OK, so give it one more shot. Ask him out for Saturday. With a specific plan and time. If he doesn't respond or gives you any kind of a flaky response or cancels on you again, decide if you want to continue with useless, meaningless texts for however long it lasts or if you want to actually date someone.

Do you think I messed up with what I did? My flaky half baked plan?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Do you think I messed up with what I did? My flaky half baked plan?

What plan?  Your friend told you to jerk him around so he follows her rulebook and makes  al the plans..... Even though  when he did have a plan, you tried to  rearrange everything. Keep in mind he's still on the dating app as well.  So maybe he's just giving up on your games.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Do you think I messed up with what I did? My flaky half baked plan?

Alex.

You are getting yourself all upset over a guy you hardly know, who YOU said you didn't feel much chemistry with and who just yesterday you said you were not going to bother with anymore.

Have you been imagining this guy as your new boyfriend? If so, why? Based on what? Do you think he's your only chance to get a boyfriend? 

You have other options if you can just calm down, slow down and have some patience. Don't be in such a big hurry to get a boyfriend that you make poor choices. 

[Alex39]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What plan?  Your friend told you to jerk him around so he follows her rulebook and makes  al the plans..... Even though  when he did have a plan, you tried to  rearrange everything. Keep in mind he's still on the dating app as well.  So maybe he's just giving up on your games.

He didn't make a plan ever. I've made evert single plan. 

[Alex39]

What if I say something like this tomorrow:

 

I'm so sorry if I seem scattered with making plans. I really am excited to see you soon. I feel bad always choosing what we do. I try to be accommodating and open, so we do stuff you like as well, and you have input. I think that's only fair!

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I'm trying so hard not to get attached. It's just who I am. How my brain works. I want to find real love so badly. Meet the right guy. Have it finally work out for me. 

Well, it's either one or the other.  You can get attached to the first guy who pays attention to you, who agrees to text "all day every day," or you can meet the right guy and have it "finally work out" for you.

I mean - once you're chatting ALL DAY, of course you're attached.  Why else would you do that?  

I'm not saying that this guy is definitely not "it."  Who knows.  

You seem to be completely fine, now, with how he texted you at 4:00 in the morning on the day you had a date to tell you he was sick and had to cancel - and he never rescheduled. 

Your comfort zone of "chat buddy" banter seems to be the #1 priority for you.  You know, though,  on some level, that you are making a trade out.   Chit -chat all day long vs. having a reasonable bar set that requires some kind of effort on his part.  In this case it would have been rescheduling promptly.

So far, the chat buddies you've cultivated have not developed to anything further.  Maybe that's fine with you, or maybe this one will be different. 

And the  game playing?  Didn't you tell us that he asked you what you wanted to do? Yet you toss something half baked out about "hanging out" maybe Friday or Saturday?  That's not planning. And then chatting "ALL DAY"  (mind numbing to even imagine, for me) and then disappearing from the chat when he shows you some vulnerability by telling you he thinks you have a lot in common?

Ugh.  

 

 

[Alex39]

Just now, Jaunty said:

Well, it's either one or the other.  You can get attached to the first guy who pays attention to you, who agrees to text "all day every day," or you can meet the right guy and have it "finally work out" for you.

I mean - once you're chatting ALL DAY, of course you're attached.  Why else would you do that?  

I'm not saying that this guy is definitely not "it."  Who knows.  

You seem to be completely fine, now, with how he texted you at 4:00 in the morning on the day you had a date to tell you he was sick and had to cancel - and he never rescheduled. 

Your comfort zone of "chat buddy" banter seems to be the #1 priority for you.  You know, though,  on some level, that you are making a trade out.   Chit -chat all day long vs. having a reasonable bar set that requires some kind of effort on his part.  In this case it would have been rescheduling promptly.

So far, the chat buddies you've cultivated have not developed to anything further.  Maybe that's fine with you, or maybe this one will be different.  

One more thing:  it seems like you're tossing in some game playing here and there.  What's with chatting "ALL DAY"  (mind numbing to even imagine, for this guy) and then disappearing from the chat when he shows you some vulnerability by telling you he thinks you have a lot in common?

 

I didn't disappear on purpose. He hadn't replied about us having stuff in common or said anything yet, and I put my phone down. I went outside for a short bit, 1/2 hour to an hour, and then I saw his messages. I replied promptly and even apologized. I told him we have a lot in common. I agreed, and told him so, twice. 

[Jaunty]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

What if I say something like this tomorrow:

 

I'm so sorry if I seem scattered with making plans. I really am excited to see you soon. I feel bad always choosing what we do. I try to be accommodating and open, so we do stuff you like as well, and you have input. I think that's only fair!

NO.

Either make the plan (like I believe you agreed to do), or tell him that you expect him to make the plan and then MOVE ON IMMEDIATELY when he doesn't make the plan. 

There is no "always."  You have been on ONE freaking date.  

Leave all that convoluted messy stuff OUT of it.  I am here to tell you that you are coming off like a whole lot of complicated high maintenance work.   No man wants to sign up for that.

Either send him the links like @Wiseman2 wisely suggested at least a half a dozen times or tell the guy straight out that you will not do that, and he needs to plan and execute, and if he fails - MOVE ON.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

But he hasn't asked me to plan anything. I suggested plans. 

10 hours ago you posted these words:

Quote

He's texting me, seems really interested, and wants to see me again, but is wanting me to make the plan again. 

Which is it?

[Jaunty]

23 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He didn't make a plan ever. I've made evert single plan. 

You've been on ONE DATE.  

I better sign out.  I'm an old fart and my blood pressure is escalating from the sheer volume of nonsense going on here.

Alex, I honestly wish you well.  

[rainbowsandroses]

51 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I didn't disappear on purpose. He hadn't replied about us having stuff in common or said anything yet, and I put my phone down. I went outside for a short bit, 1/2 hour to an hour, and then I saw his messages

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He said he thinks we have a lot in common. He seemed very into me today and like he'd like to see me. 

I then didn't respond.

Alex, I'm sorry but these two posts contradict. 

So which is it?  It can't be both.

And to be frank, if the way you interact with him on text is anything like the way you post here (i.e. confusing as heck), agree with @Wiseman2, he may think you're playing games and jerking him around. 

I think I know what you're doing though cause I see many women do this unfortunately.

You think you can win his heart, increase his interest by being cute, fun, playful and entertaining on text.  It's right there on the text exchange you posted.  Being coy, cutesy, teasing.  Then disappearing.

You said as much as well in an earlier post - "I think I'm a good texter."  

That is NOT how it works and not what texting is for. 

It's used to plan in-person dates and a way to stay connected in between in-person dates. 

Definitely not "all day," perhaps once or twice in between your dates in the beginning.

So far you've had the first meet and one "in-person" date.  All the texting is setting a bad precedent.

Please Alex, stop texting.   Or scale back. 

At this point, I think you should suggest a plan and gauge his response.  If he hems and haws or doesn't respond, forget about him.

Lastly, stop listening to your friend! 

 

 

 

[Alex39]

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Alex, I'm sorry but these two posts contradict. 

So which is it?  It can't be both.

And to be frank, if the way you interact with him on text is anything like the way you post here (i.e. confusing as heck), agree with @Wiseman2, he may think you're playing games and jerking him around. 

I think I know what you're doing though cause I see many women do this unfortunately.

You think you can win his heart, increase his interest by being cute, fun, playful and entertaining on text.  It's right there on the text exchange you posted.  Being coy, cutesy, teasing.  Then disappearing.

You said as much as well in an earlier post - "I think I'm a good texter."  

That is NOT how it works and not what texting is for. 

It's used to plan in-person dates and a way to stay connected in between in-person dates. 

Definitely not "all day," perhaps once or twice in between your dates in the beginning.

So far you've had the first meet and one "in-person" date.  And all the texting is setting a bad precedent, stop texting!  Or scale back. 

At this point, I think you should suggest a plan and gauge his response.  If he hems and haws or doesn't respond, forget about him.

Lastly, stop listening to your friend! 

 

 

 

Thanks for the honesty. I am definitely not trying to play games and would not want anyone to perceive it as such. I can see how they might. I don't want to mess this up. I am genuinely looking for a good solid relationship. I feel like I'm already messing it up. 

I need to be better. I want to be better. 

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Thanks for the honesty. I am definitely not trying to play games and would not want anyone to perceive it as such. I can see how they might. I don't want to mess this up. I am genuinely looking for a good solid relationship. I feel like I'm already messing it up. 

OK but what's happening as far as I can see is that the things you're doing to not mess this up are precisely the things that are messing it up.  

Alex, you're too invested and making very bad choices because of that. 

What you shouid have done imo and what I would have done is after he cancelled your second date due to illness, I would have replied "I'm sorry to hear that, I was looking forward to seeing you.  I hope you feel better soon." 

And then pulled back, stopped texting.  Get back on the app and start chatting with other guys which you should be doing anyway after only one date. 

Please know you are allowed to pull back and stop texting  especially after being flaked on with no reschedule.

Men are NOT stupid.  He would know exactly why you've pulled back and IF he were interested, he would have stepped up to the plate and offered a reschedule immediately.  Complete with a day and probably even a plan.

You would have earned his respect as well as it sends the message you have high self-esteem, healthy boundaries and mostly likely other options as you should.  

See how that works? 

As it stands now, by continuing to text and as often as you did, showering him with your attention, being cutesy and playful,  you essentially rewarded him for a crap move -  flaking with no reschedule.  

That is not a good look Alex I'm sorry to say.. 😞

 

 

[dias]

He is not interested enough. Move on.

[Alex39]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OK but what's happening as far as I can see is that the things you're doing to not mess this up are precisely the things that are messing it up.  

Alex, you're too invested and making very bad choices because of that. 

What you shouid have done imo and what I would have done is after he cancelled your second date due to illness, I would have replied "I'm sorry to hear that, I was looking forward to seeing you.  I hope you feel better soon." 

And then pulled back, stopped texting.  Get back on the app and start chatting with other guys which you should be doing anyway after only one date. 

Please know you are allowed to pull back and stop texting  especially after being flaked on with no reschedule.

Men are NOT stupid.  He would know exactly why you've pulled back and IF he were interested, he would have stepped up to the plate and offered a reschedule immediately.  Complete with a day and probably even a plan.

You would have earned his respect as well as it sends the message you have high self-esteem, healthy boundaries and mostly likely other options as you should.  

See how that works? 

As it stands now, by continuing to text and as often as you did, showering him with your attention, being cutesy and playful,  you essentially rewarded him for a crap move -  flaking with no reschedule.  

That is not a good look Alex I'm sorry to say.. 😞

 

 

So he replied to me this morning. All he said is "I definitely owe you that date"

 

What do I say or do now?