Help me see clearer about the last one...

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

 

I don't understand either... Maybe just to make sure I didn't get played just for sex, money or whatever and that there was something more in the begining or at least genuine interest from his part. 

You can't "make sure" of anything.  Clearly you didn't know the guy very well. You based your opinions about him based on what he showed you AND you were heavily influenced by what you wanted. 

I feel pretty confident that he gave you plenty of chances to understand who is is -  but you were not receptive to that.  Instead, you followed your protocol and made observations only based upon how "INTO" you he was coming off. 

For your future consideration:  Be more attentive to the character of the man in front of you.   Of course you want them to be into you if you like them, but your "rules" are doing nothing to help you really know the person.  This situation is a case in point.  

 

[boltnrun]

Like everyone says, it only takes a few seconds to send a text. It doesn't require character or morals to text. Especially if they're preprogrammed texts like "I miss you" and "Good morning, beautiful".

Attention can be addicting but those kinds of texts are basically meaningless in the early stages.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Now I'm just waiting for a new topic about lovebombing so I can jump on it explaining my recent experience.

The history of the term "lovebombing" is interesting. It usually refers to insincere friendship acceptance flattery ego boosting etc to recruit people into cults and abusive relationships. 

The difference is, lovebombing has sinister intentions and is followed by abuse or cult recruitment.

Although the term is used quite loosely. Not everyone who wines and dines, then loses interest has sinister intentions.

In this case it seems like courting behavior followed by a loss of interest. Perhaps that loss of interest was because he's a gigolo.

But it doesn't seem that aside from the typical first flurry of romance, it was an abusive or dangerous situation.

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In this case it seems like courting behavior followed by a loss of interest. Perhaps that loss of interest was because he's a gigolo.

But it doesn't seem that aside from the typical first flurry of romance, it was an abusive or dangerous situation.

Agree, except the part about him being a gigolo.  Nor is he a narcissist or a sociopath, perhaps not even a "player."  Not based on this situation anyway, imo. 

To me, just a guy who was very attracted, allowed himself to get a bit too caught up in his "feels" and desire for sex, said some over-the-top BS, but then lost interest after sex. 

It happens, it's not uncommon.  That's why I said earlier if you're gonna have early sex, remain detached from the outcome and be emotionally prepared for anything, including what happened here. 

 

 

[Type O Negative]

This whole 'OMG! HE'S UNEMPLOYED!' thing is kinda drives me nuts. Here in England and Europe-Germany/Switzerland/Austria/France/Scandinavia etc-economically supreme European countries -you're not automatically a homeless beggar without access to healthcare just because you're temporarily out of work. European/British  social security system is what the high taxes are paid for. We're not just left to fend for ourselves with two months' worth of  food stamps and no access to health care if we're not in work. Therefore we're not enslaved to the extent that Americans are, based on what I know first hand. I'll say no more as don't want to start a political debate.

Put it this way, if I was dating now and met a bloke I was madly into who didn't have a job at the point of us meeting - I'd still proceed, full steam ahead. 

Life's not about work. At least to me and hubby it's not. Life's about love and family. I truly just don't give a **** what anyone does or doesn't do for living. It doesn't matter. Don't care if one's a doctor or a cleaner. We're all flesh and blood and bone and we're all gonna go the same way.

[Batya33]

I dated men who were temporarily unemployed and looking for a job and were financially stable with a solid work ethic and ambitions  basically what I was offering. (Not the unemployed part lol )

The op’s date told her he wasn’t available for a relationship because of financial instability and the op agreed. I doubt if she’d said it was fine that he’d had kept seeing her. Just a guess. 

I’m sure there are people who are in the dating scene and for whom values about education and career and work ethic are irrelevant just like some people don’t care about religious values or parenting goals (if they are not religiously inclined and or don’t want kids).

These differences make the world go round. What my husband and I do for our careers defines quite a bit about us just like when my job was SAHM I knew it was a big part of who I was. I’m happy about all that. I didn’t relate to men who didn’t care what job they did or if they did any job. We could  be friends for sure but otherwise not compatible for a relationship. 

I relate to the OP seeing no future and my sense is she sensed it was at least partly an excuse. 

[kehratha]

10 hours ago, Type O Negative said:

 

Put it this way, if I was dating now and met a bloke I was madly into who didn't have a job at the point of us meeting - I'd still proceed, full steam ahead. 

 

Except that in this particular case, it was HIM who didn't want to proceed further, because of his poor finances.

[Sindy_0311]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

In this case it seems like courting behavior followed by a loss of interest. Perhaps that loss of interest was because he's a gigolo.

I don't see anything genuine in his behavior. Why would he have just said I don't feel like pursuing with you or Ive changed my mind or I'm not ready rather than telling all his BS. (I know people don't do that, the usually ghost... which makes its easier to understand you have to deal with a bad person, already happened to me more than once... ) Telling me he had money issues was IMO a way to victimize himself and make me more indulgent towards him in case he would reach out for more sex someday. 

I also noticed he didn't block me which is strange because he told me once when its over, I just block and don't want to hear of them again... (which he kinda did with his ex) 

A gigolo, you mean a young guy courting women for money??

Now that I see clearer about him, I think he rather be narcissistic person. I remember the post he made on his Food truck Facebook page that is now managed by someone else. He said something like: "new cook(manager) is not at my level, he does many mistakes but let him time to learn". Why would he say something like that if not for his own validation need... He also used to talk a lot about his neighbor, with whom he spends most of his time. he said well he enjoys me so I let him come visit me not that he showed much respect for him. Also he would brag about how everybody knew him and liked him so much when he was still working in his food truck. 

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

But it doesn't seem that aside from the typical first flurry of romance, it was an abusive or dangerous situation.

Him being a narcissist and a liar (IMO), I'm lucky it didn't went further or I would maybe have ended up in a toxic and abusive relationship...

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Although the term is used quite loosely. Not everyone who wines and dines, then loses interest has sinister intentions.

The difference here is he lied about his real situation and told me what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted... he didn't lose interest, his level of interest was low from the beginning IMO. 

[Batya33]

I wouldn’t try to label or diagnose a person you really didn’t know. I don’t see where it makes you feel better.  Your way of doing things is to enjoy the intensity of someone who is handsome and romances you early on and enjoy the intensity by having sex. Which for you doesn’t trigger emotional attachment which means it’s part of the fun and infatuation. But other than knowing early on some info about how your body parts mesh and whether you enjoy the sex you don’t know the person much at all. For that you need to date someone over a period of months.  To see if actions are consistent with words.

Other than words to the effect of “I’m not available for a relationship (with you)” which he said after a few dates. Which many people do after a few dates. He may have $$ troubles so partly it may be he had sex and considered whether you could be his Sugar Mama and now is moving on to find a more suitable arrangement.  

Doesn’t make him anything except looking for the cover to his pot. His pot might be happy to oblige. You wouldn’t be of course.
But I don’t think it helps you to throw labels around just like you wouldn’t like if he labeled you as promiscuous or a party gal who just wants romance and sex. Because it’s not true and he didn’t get to know you in any real way. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

. Why would he have just said I don't feel like pursuing with you or Ive changed my mind or I'm not ready rather than telling all his BS.

Sometimes it's easier to make up an "it's me, not you" excuse to get out of a relationship, particularly with sensitive or reactive people.

Either way, he's done so you're free to leave it in the past without assigning a host of evil and psychological issues.

Try to accept it's over. Even if you need to go through the "sour grapes" stage and demonize him for a while. 

It's understandable you're hurt and disappointed, but dating is all about getting to know each other and if you're a good fit. It's also for discovering red flags and deal breakers such as in this case and cutting your losses.

[Sindy_0311]

11 hours ago, Type O Negative said:

 

Put it this way, if I was dating now and met a bloke I was madly into who didn't have a job at the point of us meeting - I'd still proceed, full steam ahead. 

I didn't say I don't want to date an unemployed men... What I said is I don't want to date a broke man who isn't taking responsibility for his situation and victimizing himself. Why in hell would you tell a woman you saw 3 times that you made poor silly investment and that you have debts coming from all parts if not to gain her pity or to get a quick exit? I mean in the past I never talked about my financial struggles with men I was dating, was not relevant because I knew I had it under control and there was not enough trust established to talk about my struggles as to talk about my past traumas or opening up to them to deeply.  

I don't care if they are unemployed, I do care if them being broke is the result of poor judgment or lack of responsibility... 

Theres another problem with dating a broke man. You will never know whether he chose you because he had no better option... I had a 4 month relationship last year after my divorce with a really really broke man. He was perfect in any other way, was kind, gentle, loving, we had a very meaningful relationship, But at some point I asked myself If he was with me because he didn't have many other options... that made me reconsider it all.... 

 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, Type O Negative said:

This whole 'OMG! HE'S UNEMPLOYED!' thing is kinda drives me nuts. Here in England and Europe-Germany/Switzerland/Austria/France/Scandinavia etc-economically supreme European countries -you're not automatically a homeless beggar without access to healthcare just because you're temporarily out of work.

I think its just looked differently even in Europe. For example I dont get the same looks when I say that I work in school and when I said that I work from home. Same with unemployment vs employment. It just sounds differently.

Also, dating culture in some places is way different. In some places like USA you are a "brokie" if you dont pull more then them or at least 6 figures. Dont think OP is like that and what happened isnt the consequence of that as she was ready to even accept him unemployed. Just saying how its looked in different cultures.

Also, he is definitely "a player". he knew exactly what to say to OP, build a story how "he never has hookups as he doesnt like it", how she is the first he likes since separation, how he wants a real relationship etc. Only to then walk off just after sex. Its a classic player behavior.

[Sindy_0311]

Just had an interesting call with my girlfriend. She has a profile on that dating app too, she engaged a conversation with him yesterday night, after we have been talking about this case. He essentially told her that he has been single for 6 months, that he didn’t meet any women from the app yet, that he has been completely alone for 6 months as he didn’t find anyone interesting to meet. He also said that he is owner of a food truck company and makes money investments working from home. Also said that he won’t be able to take any day off until august/September… I told her to disengage/block ...enough informations... 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

, she engaged a conversation with him yesterday night, after we have been talking about this case. 

Why did she do this? Was she interested or gathering information for you? Please try to move forward, he's not worth all this headspace and worry. He's a bad match and it's over.

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Just had an interesting call with my girlfriend. She has a profile on that dating app too, she engaged a conversation with him yesterday night, after we have been talking about this case. He essentially told her that he has been single for 6 months, that he didn’t meet any women from the app yet, that he has been completely alone for 6 months as he didn’t find anyone interesting to meet. He also said that he is owner of a food truck company and makes money investments working from home. Also said that he won’t be able to take any day off until august/September… I told her to disengage/block ...enough informations... 

yes I agree he seems like a player. He would have stopped dating you after the third date for whatever reason if you hadn’t slept with him. Maybe he makes up excuses after sex so the woman is less likely to chase him and or if woman is pregnant or is mad about an std she’ll think twice before pursuing $$$ from a broke man. I reported two men to dating sites who lied to me - one about age and another I actually wasn’t in contact with / I realized he was dating two of my friends or at least overlapping and lying about it. He’d shown up on my searches and maybe we emailed. I reported him too but this was Eharmony where they had stricter standards. 

[Sindy_0311]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why did she do this? Was she interested or gathering information for you? Please try to move forward, he's not worth all this headspace and worry. He's a bad match and it's over.

She just tried to gather informations to help me move one... 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

She just tried to gather informations to help me move one... 

do you really need to move on after a couple of dates with someone? I mean in any real way other than maybe being disappointed for that day - do you really find you take it that hard after going on a few dates ?  I’m sorry you endure that !  My friends and I regularly shared info about the men on dating sites so we could save others from wasting time or worse. 

[Sindy_0311]

Just now, Batya33 said:

do you really need to move on after a couple of dates with someone?

I meant help me move on in the sense of asserting my gut feeling that he was a player. You know, with my friend we talk a lot about our dating lives... and she didn't believe he was actually a player.. But would that be a reason to report him on this dating app? 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I meant help me move on in the sense of asserting my gut feeling that he was a player. You know, with my friend we talk a lot about our dating lives... and she didn't believe he was actually a player.. But would that be a reason to report him on this dating app? 

 

But who cares?  Whether he’s a player or not you knew him a very short time and as you said you don’t get emotionally attached through sex. It’s not relevant IMO for moving on. Only if he stole money from you or you needed to get $ from him for an STD treatment etc. then I can see wanting “justice”. Assume he wasn’t that into you. Assume he is a person who lies to get sex - except you’re cool with having casual sex so it’s not really important - and he lies in order to get a woman to meet up with him and lies to make an exit. I wouldn’t report him. Adults can meet him in a public place and decide whether he appears trustworthy- if they meet. I don’t see his lies the same as lying about age (which Eharmony forbade ) and lying about exclusivity or sexual monogamy which you didn’t have with him 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 would that be a reason to report him on this dating app? 

 

What good would that do you other than revenge for not wanting to continue? He's not a criminal because he lost interest and moved on. Maybe he's a player, gigolo, jerk, whatever, that's not a crime.

Please stop investing in him this much. You have multiple complaints about him from bad in bed to looking like a rat to being broke etc so why obsess over him this much? You dodged a bullet, so cut your losses.

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

so why obsess over him this much?

GOOGLE:

"We become obsessed with certain people because we have fundamental neural systems that drive us into a state of infatuation, and these can be over-activated at times in our lives when we are vulnerable to the romantic potential of a person who matches our subconscious template of a desirable mate."

How to get rid of limerence/obsession: 4 strategies: 

1 - No contact (blocking etc....)

2 - Psychological deprogramming (finding flaws - him looking like a rat, being broke, a player, a bad person...)

3- Transference (date someone else, unleash limerence on someone better) 

4- Disclosure (last option - address your feelings to the person and in the best case be fully rejected) 

I'm at stage 2... 

 

[Batya33]

Is it possible you’ve changed as far as reactions to casual sex ?  You say that’s not the reason you’re still focused on this guy.  I have to wonder. What you wrote above is relevant to a longer term relationship and a breakup. This is a guy you had a few dates with so you don’t know him well enough -  - by a long shot - anyway to pick him apart. 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

2 - Psychological deprogramming (finding flaws - him looking like a rat, being broke, a player, a bad person...)

This is a lot of effort for someone you knew 30 days and had a handful of dates with.  

[Sindy_0311]

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Is it possible you’ve changed as far as reactions to casual sex ?  You say that’s not the reason you’re still focused on this guy.  I have to wonder. What you wrote above is relevant to a longer term relationship and a breakup. This is a guy you had a few dates with so you don’t know him well enough -  - by a long shot - anyway to pick him apart. 

What I wrote above is not relevant to a brake up or a longterm relationship, It's more about what to do to stop obsessing over someone. More likely when you have a crush on someone and that you know it won't lead anywhere... 

I'm surprised you seem to never have experienced those feelings. I mean I have at least one to two crushes a year. its just who I am, I'm a lover by nature, passionate. Might be because of my astrological sign. I do know of people who never sensed those feelings, and I find it hard to conceive. I have always been like that. Hence also the reason why I divorced because I wanted to fall in love again and experience those deep feelings again. Its weird because now I feel like a special case... Am I the only one being overly passionate? 

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is a lot of effort for someone you knew 30 days and had a handful of dates with.  

No matter whether 3 month, 2 days, 2 weeks, if the feelings, the infatuation, is intense enough, you just can't let it go that fast and pretend they aren't there. 

I remember first night when I came home from the first meet, I closed the door and stayed standing against the wall for a moment thinking how amazing this date went... since that moment I already felt something for him and couldn't stop thinking of him. Sure now I know it was the fantasy of him, but the feelings were here and they were real. So I guess its just the loss of theses feelings that I struggle with.

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Is it possible you’ve changed as far as reactions to casual sex ?

As I said, the intercourse wasn't that great. I experienced better connections on that level with guys I was dating only casually. I think the fantasy off what it would be like to have sex with him, would make it even harder to move on... 

Don't you remember the huge crush I had last year on my coworker during more than 3 month? we never kissed or do anything... but I couldn't help fantasize over him. Made it even worse...