You either trust me or you don't

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Massey said:

I just find the statement doesn't sit well with me, generally speaking. Even if a friend said that to me, I'd feel the same way. 

I understand. While the statement may have showed irritation, try flipping the script. How would you feel if someone posed your hypothetical to you?

So what was that? And why did you pose it?

[Massey]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Then why did you pose the hpyothetical?

We had been talking about relationships in general at first, then I posed the question to him. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Massey said:

 My girlfriend and I were chatting about whether or not we would be okay with our partners going through our phones.

Could you clarify if you are discussing this with your BF or GF?

2 minutes ago, Massey said:

 then I posed the question to him. 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Massey said:

We had been talking about relationships in general at first, then I posed the question to him. 

That doesn’t explain it at all. You still chose to take the general convo in that specific direction.  Read the lyrics to Carly Simon we have no secrets. For example my husband knows that certain of the places I’ve been fo we’re with other men and knows I went to a number of club med resorts. Singles resorts. If I reference a place in context - like my son will mention the place etc I do not reference my ex. I might say “oh I visited that (tourist attraction)”.  My husband could choose to say “so if you could go back there with your ex would you ?” Or “if your ex invited you to his home there and offered you $$ would you?”

And he could say “well you mentioned that place so it’s fair game “. But it’s not. It’s silly and manipulative and I likely would find the question bizarre and ask him to take his temperature lol” 

Please don’t give yourself a pass. Ask yourself why you’re looking for trouble. 

[Massey]

2 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Understandable, in this context. I think what happened is your hypothetical didn't sit well with him—that he took is as a kind of veiled accusation—and he bit back a bit. 

Can you explain what this hypothetical was? 

Like, if my gf said something to me, out of nowhere along the lines of, "Hey, babe, I was wondering: If you were away on a trip, and if a woman started talking to you at a restaurant, would you tell her you were in a relationship or not?" what I would hear her saying is either "Babe, I don't trust you" or "Babe, I have some deep insecurities that don't have anything to do with you but rather than say that I'm going to weaponize them against you."

And I'd be annoyed. And could see myself saying, "You either trust me or you don't. Which is it?" 

I understand. Thank you for your point of view. 

We were discussing a few hypotheticals. Initially none of them had to do with the two of us, it was just general conversation.

I can't recall all of the situations that we discussed. They stemmed from an article that was online. 

One of the scenarios was of a man who went for coffee with a long time ex. They had both moved on but has remained friends. The man was in a relationship as was his ex. The article was discussing whether or not this was acceptable etc. 

 

 

[Massey]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And those who say "I've been cheated on before so I just want to be sure that never happens again" I'd say "Sorry about that. How about you get back to me when you've dropped that baggage into the trash?"

I guess that's where I'm different. If I had a partner who had some insecurities about infidelity or abandonment etc. I would do my best to make sure that they feel secure. Even if I had to go over and above.

I know most people don't go this route and prefer to do as you suggested. But I've always felt this way.

[Massey]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I understand. While the statement may have showed irritation, try flipping the script. How would you feel if someone posed your hypothetical to you?

So what was that? And why did you pose it?

Honestly, I wouldn't feel any way at all if someone had asked me that question.

Questions like that don't bother me but I can see  that it might irritate others.

It wasn't just me asking him the hypotheticals it was also him asking me the same.

[Batya33]

Just now, Massey said:

I guess that's where I'm different. If I had a partner who had some insecurities about infidelity or abandonment etc. I would do my best to make sure that they feel secure. Even if I had to go over and above.

I know most people don't go this route and prefer to do as you suggested. But I've always felt this way.

I would do my part and my boundary would end if I was being direspected or manipulated.  How are you doing your part to stop subjecting your partner to your issues he is not to blame for ? 
When I reconnected with my husband I met a lovely guy who really could have been the one. He wasn’t because from early on he subjected me to his insecurities. I raised it two weeks in. He told me he was in therapy for if and promised to change.  He did. For one week. Then back to the same behaviors.  See ya. Not fair to subject me to them.

Id work a lot harder if I were you on treating your partner thoughtfully and with respect. He’s not your parent or therapist. 

[Massey]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Could you clarify if you are discussing this with your BF or GF?

 

Sorry I missed that.

For the phone question, my girlfriend and I were having this discussion about our partners. For her, it's her husband and for me it's my boyfriend.

In this trust question, it's me referring to my boyfriend.

Not sure if that helps 🙂

[Massey]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would do my part and my boundary would end if I was being direspected or manipulated.  How are you doing your part to stop subjecting your partner to your issues he is not to blame for ? 
When I reconnected with my husband I met a lovely guy who really could have been the one. He wasn’t because from early on he subjected me to his insecurities. I raised it two weeks in. He told me he was in therapy for if and promised to change.  He did. For one week. Then back to the same behaviors.  See ya. Not fair to subject me to them.

Id work a lot harder if I were you on treating your partner thoughtfully and with respect. He’s not your parent or therapist. 

You don't think I'm treating him thoughtfully or respectfully because I asked him a hypothetical question? Which he, by the way, also asked of me. We were both talking about general relationship questions and then we brought ourselves into the mix. 

Sorry, maybe I'm missing something but I don't see that as being disrespectful and two people are having adult conversations.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Massey said:

You don't think I'm treating him thoughtfully or respectfully because I asked him a hypothetical question? Which he, by the way, also asked of me. We were both talking about general relationship questions and then we brought ourselves into the mix. 

Sorry, maybe I'm missing something but I don't see that as being disrespectful and two people are having adult conversations.

I think your question was disrespectful to your relationship and manipulative.  Adult conversations are lovely. I had no opinion on that. I was referring to your specific question.  I'd have a better filter so that you take into account your partner's feelings.

Example - we were on a road trip and visited the city where my husband lived for 5 years including one of the years we were dating. He had a serious girlfriend for part of the time who he hasn't mentioned in years.  They're colleagues but not at the same company and not in the same city anymore.  Our son was in the car.  As we drove past where he used to live he pointed to a building "that's where [ex] used to live!" So I said "why are you mentioning that?" He immediately realized it was not the best look to say that.  My son asked who that was and I told him the truth.  

Then I dropped it.  What if as part of an adult conversation I'd brought it up later "so why after all this time did you think of [] - and why say her name in front of me and our son?"

Sure I'm "entitled" to get more info and hear what he has to say but I thought about it and realized -why open a can of worm -believe him that it was  a random comment. If I didn't trust him I'd have questioned him and perhaps searched her up to see if they'd been at the same work event recently (I don't ask -not an issue).  That's what I mean -you are an adult.  Treating another adult like you don't trust him or leading him down an uncomfortable path is not cool IMO.

[Cherylyn]

No one has ever told me:  "You either trust me or you don't" and if they did,  I wouldn't want to be with them anymore.  That statement sounds rather cold.  Hence,  I would throw cold water 💧 on that sentence and walk. 🚶‍♀️ I don't need anyone to talk to me that way.  Nope.  ☹️  I'm out.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Massey said:

.For the phone question, my girlfriend and I were having this discussion about our partners. For her, it's her husband and for me it's my boyfriend. 

Do she and her husband have trust issues or go through each other's phones? If they are suspicious, everyone knows a cheater gets burner phones. If they just want to control and police each other that's sad, but maybe you could suggest marriage counseling for your friend.

As far as you and your BF do whatever is right for you. What does your BF think about going through each other's phones?  

[Massey]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think your question was disrespectful to your relationship and manipulative.  Adult conversations are lovely. I had no opinion on that. I was referring to your specific question.  I'd have a better filter so that you take into account your partner's feelings.

Example - we were on a road trip and visited the city where my husband lived for 5 years including one of the years we were dating. He had a serious girlfriend for part of the time who he hasn't mentioned in years.  They're colleagues but not at the same company and not in the same city anymore.  Our son was in the car.  As we drove past where he used to live he pointed to a building "that's where [ex] used to live!" So I said "why are you mentioning that?" He immediately realized it was not the best look to say that.  My son asked who that was and I told him the truth.  

Then I dropped it.  What if as part of an adult conversation I'd brought it up later "so why after all this time did you think of [] - and why say her name in front of me and our son?"

Sure I'm "entitled" to get more info and hear what he has to say but I thought about it and realized -why open a can of worm -believe him that it was  a random comment. If I didn't trust him I'd have questioned him and perhaps searched her up to see if they'd been at the same work event recently (I don't ask -not an issue).  That's what I mean -you are an adult.  Treating another adult like you don't trust him or leading him down an uncomfortable path is not cool IMO.

Thanks for your explanation. 

I guess we will have to disagree. I still don't see it as disrespectful and certainly not manipulative. 

Again, we both asked each other various questions regarding hypothetical situations. 🤷‍♀️ 

For the situation you described with you and your husband, I likely would have brought it up later. Not in a confrontational way but lightly. 

People handle situations differently. 🙂

[Massey]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do she and her husband have trust issues or go through each other's phones? If they are suspicious, everyone knows a cheater gets burner phones. If they just want to control and police each other that's sad, but maybe you could suggest marriage counseling for your friend.

As far as you and your BF do whatever is right for you. What does your BF think about going through each other's phones?  

No, my girlfriend and her husband don't have any trust issues. None that she's communicated with me at least. 

My boyfriend says that he has no interest in going through my phone. He's hard core opposed yo going through mine and vise versa. He says he has nothing to hide but he sees it as an invasion of privacy. 

As for me, I have no reason to go through his phone. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Massey said:

 He's hard core opposed yo going through mine and vise versa. He says he has nothing to hide but he sees it as an invasion of privacy. 

That's excellent. Agree it's  a privacy and respect issue. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Massey said:

Sorry, maybe I'm missing something but I don't see that as being disrespectful and two people are having adult conversations.

Yes, you're deliberately missing everyone's question about what, exactly, you said to your BF to prompt such a response from him.

If this kind of dodging is how you communicate with him, no wonder he got irritated.

[Cherylyn]

How about this?   I don't trust anyone who would say to me:  "Either you trust me or you don't."  🤨

[Cherylyn]

@Wiseman2    😆

[Massey]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

If this kind of dodging is how you communicate with him, no wonder he got irritated

Your comment is  unnecessary. But thank you for pointing out that I did not answer the question specifically. I thought I had. 

5 hours ago, Massey said:

One of the scenarios was of a man who went for coffee with a long time ex. They had both moved on but has remained friends. The man was in a relationship as was his ex. The article was discussing whether or not this was acceptable etc

I thought it would have been obvious that I posed a question to him from this statement. 

My mistake.

I asked him if he would go out with one is his exes for coffee, just like the scenario. He said yes. I asked him why would go out with an ex...there was nothing accusatory on my end.  And as I stated, he asked me the same question. 🤷‍♀️

 

 

[Jaunty]

On 5/26/2023 at 1:31 PM, Massey said:

Sorry, I should have been more clear. It's a 2 year relationship. 

A hypothetical situation came up and that was their reply. Nothing has actually happened to make me concerned that they are doing anything. 

They are basically saying that if there is no trust in a relationship (which for us has been built over the course of 2 years) then people shouldn't be in that relationship.... You either trust your partner or you don't. Assuming there are no red flags of course. 

I agree with your partner, in this context.  You've supposedly built trust over the course of 2 years, and neither of you have given reason for the trust to be broken.  If one of you is not trusting because of insecurity, that is their own issue and not up to their partner to keep proving themselves to be trustworthy.

You either trust them or you don't.  If you don't, you should probably break up, since it's been 2 years.

[Massey]

41 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I agree with your partner, in this context.  You've supposedly built trust over the course of 2 years, and neither of you have given reason for the trust to be broken.  If one of you is not trusting because of insecurity, that is their own issue and not up to their partner to keep proving themselves to be trustworthy.

You either trust them or you don't.  If you don't, you should probably break up, since it's been 2 years.

Thank you for your perspective. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Massey said:

Your comment is  unnecessary. But thank you for pointing out that I did not answer the question specifically. I thought I had. 

I thought it would have been obvious that I posed a question to him from this statement. 

My mistake.

I asked him if he would go out with one is his exes for coffee, just like the scenario. He said yes. I asked him why would go out with an ex...there was nothing accusatory on my end.  And as I stated, he asked me the same question. 🤷‍♀️

 

 

I think asking why implies more than "why would you take your mother to afternoon tea for her birthday when she's a coffee drinker?" - and asking why risks opening a can of worms.

If I asked my husband that today he'd say "yes."  Or he'd say "yes but it depends which one and context."  If he asked me I'd say (since I tend to be chatty and overshare lol) "yes depending on which one and context." 

I personally would be surprised he asked me and he would also be surprised BUT since -for context -we each have been in touch with exes over the years together, we each have seen exes one on one over the years and he knows I trust him, I know he trusts me we've never ever had insecurity issues that question is not a loaded question. 

Surprising yes and we also avoid conversations about exes -why and what's the point??  I can see really limited circumstances where I would mention an ex - if one he'd met/knows of passed away and/or was in a life threatening situation, then yes I likely would.  If I knew I was going to see an ex at an event I'd likely mention it and he likely would on his end. If I wanted to see an ex whether one on one or in a small group I'd mention it and check in with my spouse to discuss if needed. 

 In your case with all your history plus issues it's a totally loaded question. I have poentially loaded questions I'd never ever ask my husband even as a hypothetical and vice versa.  Because it's unfair to put one's partner in that position and coyly phrase it as a hypothetical.  IMO.  Should I say to my husband "you know someone who is FB friends with my female friend tried to add me on FB two days ago and when I asked him if he knows me and how he knows my female friend he said he didn't really know her, then asked where I lived.  So I replied to him that I only friend males who I either know or who know my husband." 

So -hypothetically darling would it have been ok with you if I friended him -he seems from his profile to have a really interesting life and he lives in another city and it might be fun to get to know him -I mean how do you feel about spouses friending in that situation and having a sort of penpal??"

He'd have been really annoyed with me for asking that - putting him in the position of saying -as he would "you know I'm not a fan of FB and obviously I don't like the idea of my wife chatting with men she doesn't know who are already acting inappropriately -what do you want me to say??"  This is what I mean.  I did not tell him about this FB man -I did message my female friend in case this man is bothering her other female friends.

[boltnrun]

That question is what is known as a "loaded" question.  Or what my late mother would call "borrowing trouble".  It's like "what would you do if Margot Robbie propositioned you?"  Is there a "right" answer?  Probably not.

[Cherylyn]

19 hours ago, Massey said:

I asked him if he would go out with one is his exes for coffee, just like the scenario. He said yes. I asked him why would go out with an ex...there was nothing accusatory on my end.  And as I stated, he asked me the same question. 🤷‍♀️

 

 

I wouldn't ask each other hypothetical questions because it causes unnecessary distrust and arguments.  If your relationship is peaceful as is,  don't pose questions which could lead to irritation,  discord and strife.  Both sides should keep the peace.  Be mindful of conversations in order to maintain harmony.  Think before you speak and write.  It will save you.