Was she just being nice or...

[Kwothe28]

Have some faith. She said she will get back to you so the ball is in her court. If she wants to see you she will send alternative date.

[Jaunty]

Wow, you people would think I'm a sociopath.  It's very difficult for me to make an appointment because my schedule with clients and other commitments is very random and I need to look at my phone calendar before I can answer.  Which is not always correctly updated due to my organizational challenges.  

[TheLambOfDeth]

42 minutes ago, kehratha said:

Maybe, giving what she does for a living, it's not so easy to know when she will be free. I am guessing a lot of events can occur on daily basis.

Just wait a little bit longer before jumping to the conclusion.

 

I've waited over 24 hours...how would anyone in my position not jump to the same logical conclusion?

She's not a Hollywood actor...like her schedule is busy, I get it. But no one's busier than someone not interested. People make time if they actually want to see someone. If I were Harry Styles, or someone she was keen on, I would've gotten an actual reply.

[kehratha]

1 minute ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

I've waited over 24 hours...how would anyone in my position not jump to the same logical conclusion?

She's not a Hollywood actor...like her schedule is busy, I get it. But no one's busier than someone not interested. People make time if they actually want to see someone. If I were Harry Styles, or someone she was keen on, I would've gotten an actual reply.

Ok, I am not saying to wait and hope for whatever . But just don't cut her off yet.

[TheLambOfDeth]

43 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with you @lamb.  If this were a man in this sitch sending those messages, people here would be calling him a timewaster or a flake.

Interested people act interested. 

She's sending mixed and even double messages, not good.  Have no idea what her deal is but I would let it go, I'm sorry! 

 

I'm glad you said it so I didn't have to, bc if I said I'd be called all kinds of different things, but I agree 100%

If the roles were in reverse and I was a woman in this scenario, the blame would be placed on the other person, the man. It would be said they didn't respect my time, they were too indecisive and aren't worth the effort, etc. But since it's a woman, I should for some reason, give her the benefit of the doubt, when there is no reason to do so. No one needs over 24 hours to determine when they're free. If you're at all keen on the other person, you make plans as soon as possible bc you don't want there to be the possibility they just find someone else to make plans with.

When people are interested, they always find time.

[TheLambOfDeth]

40 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Have some faith. She said she will get back to you so the ball is in her court. If she wants to see you she will send alternative date.

I agree with the last part, sure. If someone is interested, they'll get to you. But there's literally no reason to have any faith now. Not after 24 hours. I honestly don't even care at this point.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

If I were Harry Styles, or someone she was keen on, I would've gotten an actual reply.

It's not even that, which is like comparing apples to oranges and not a fair comparison. 

It's more that she enthusiastically replied "yes, let's choose a date"!  When you selected two dates, four days in advance, the dates didn't work for her, she said she'd let you know what date did work, it's been more than 24 hours and still no alternative date. 

This is NOT the behavior of an interested person and again if she were a man responding to a woman's invite, he'd be called a timewaster/flake.

The "rules" about that are no different just cause she's a woman.  Women should not be given more understanding, patience and leeway just cause we are women. 

If she were truly interested, she would have given him an alternative date right then and there or gotten back with him shortly thereafter. 

That's how interested people behave.  Disinterested people send mixed messages, are hot and cold and well, flakey. 

Doesn't matter the gender or how "busy" they are.

JMO.

 

[TheLambOfDeth]

13 minutes ago, kehratha said:

Ok, I am not saying to wait and hope for whatever . But just don't cut her off yet.

If I was that indecisive, and took that long between responses to a woman, she would def cut off and almost certainly never reply to further communication.

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's not even that, which is like comparing apples to oranges and not a fair comparison. 

It's more that she enthusiastically replied "yes, let's choose a date"!  When you selected two dates, four days in advance, the dates didn't work for her, she said she'd let you know what date did work, it's been more than 24 hours and still no alternative date. 

This is NOT the behavior of an interested person and again if she were a man responding to a woman's invite, he'd be called a timewaster/flake.

The "rules" about that are no different just cause she's a woman.  Women should not be given more understanding, patience and leeway just cause we are women. 

If she were truly interested, she would have given him an alternative date right then and there or gotten back with him shortly thereafter. 

That's how interested people behave.  Disinterested people send mixed messages, are hot and cold and well, flakey. 

Doesn't matter the gender or how "busy" they are.

JMO.

 

Yep...all of this def checks out—especially the hot/cold, flaky aspect which is just...irksome. Just don't seem enthused if you aren't. Just say "no thanks". It's hard to take a hint when you're getting mixed signals.

And there's a total double standard regarding how women are consistently held to a different metric in terms of respecting someone's time, flakiness, demonstrating interest, and being held accountable. I don't quite understand that one, but it can be really counter intuitive when advice is given.

But in the end, interested people act interested. No way around this. Welp, at least I have the answer to the initial query of the thread lol.

[Sindy_0311]

23 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Welp, at least I have the answer to the initial query of the thread lol.

I think you had your answer when you started the thread. when you have to wonder about someone’s interest, it usually means it’s not there… sorry 

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

But in the end, interested people act interested. No way around this. Welp, at least I have the answer to the initial query of the thread lol.

This entire situation was confusing because she was sending mixed messages.  I honestly at certain points thought she was interested based on her responses and actions.  

BUT when push came to shove and you asked her  boldly, directly AND confidently if she wanted to get together with a specific plan, she couldn't give a proper answer or secure a date and more than 24 hours later, still can't! 

Nor sure what her deal is, but I wouldn't give this any more thought, you have your answer imo.

If she eventually responds with a definitive date and time, you can revisit the situation, but I would not count on anything happening.  

Based on her actions thus far, she might very well cancel again. 

Sorry @Lamb, you gave it your best shot and took a risk, be proud of yourself for that at least. 

 

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think you had your answer when you started the thread. when you have to wonder about someone’s interest, it usually means it’s not there… sorry 

The story of my life.

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This entire situation was confusing because she was sending mixed messages.  I honestly at certain points thought she was interested based on her responses and actions.  

BUT when push came to shove and you asked her boldly, directly AND confidently if she wanted to get together with a specific plan, she couldn't give a proper answer or secure a date and more than 24 hours later, still can't! 

Nor sure what her deal is, but I wouldn't give this any more thought, you have your answer imo.

If she eventually responds with a definitive date and time, you can revisit the situation, but I would not count on anything happening.  

Based on her actions thus far, she might very well cancel again. 

Sorry @Lamb, you gave it your best shot and took a risk, be proud of yourself for that at least. 

It was confusing, but deep down you just know if someone is interested, and in reality...I knew she wasn't. They never are. I guess it's just nice to believe it might actually be possible every once in a while...even though I know it never actually is.

[Sindy_0311]

Let me ad this: 

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

Nor sure what her deal is. 

 

There can be many reasons. Maybe she is dating someone else for the moment, maybe she just got out a serious relationship, maybe she has to deal with something more important, maybe it’s just wrong timing, maybe she doesn’t like you that way. She’s got her reasons. I would suggest you just stay polite and friendly, no reason to avoid her. Maybe someday she will be ready to date you… who knows. But for now, let her go. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

18 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Let me ad this: 

There can be many reasons. Maybe she is dating someone else for the moment, maybe she just got out a serious relationship, maybe she has to deal with something more important, maybe it’s just wrong timing, maybe she doesn’t like you that way. She’s got her reasons. I would suggest you just stay polite and friendly, no reason to avoid her. Maybe someday she will be ready to date you… who knows. But for now, let her go. 

Yes, I know...I get the message...loud and clear. Believe me. That was someone else's comment, I didn't type that. Honestly, idc what the reason was, tbh. I wasn't even trying to date, I was just trying to be her friend, and telling someone you'd let them know when they're available, and basically ghosting is rude af. But it doesn't matter, I'm just going to opt for a clean break. I'm deleting her # and not volunteering at that venue anymore totally stop ever getting my hopes up again.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

I agree with the last part, sure. If someone is interested, they'll get to you. But there's literally no reason to have any faith now. Not after 24 hours. I honestly don't even care at this point.

I had one answering me after 2 days. But she was a special case lol

Just dont think you should look at it that tragically. What if she does send a message? Would you be extactic for that even now after you say how you dont care?

There is a state of infatuation called "limerence". All-consuming passion. Anyway, its characterized by very big oscilations of emotions. Other person does something we dont like- we hate her. Other person after that does something sweet and good- we love her. I feel that you are at that stage now. You need to do less oscilations with your emotions. Either its not OK that she would answer days after or not answer at all and you are abandoning the whole thing. Or you just wait if she answers. 

[Batya33]

Didn’t you choose not to respond to her invitation for several days?

yes. When I was very interested in a man and I was actually that busy with juggling and scheduling and lots of last minute work demands even if I was super interested I’d say “I would love to take a salsa dancing class with you. I should know by (date in future) when I’ll be free on a weekday evening. I hope that’s ok “.

Therefore despite having to wait to confirm he would know why. She could have done a better job of explaining why the delay. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I had one answering me after 2 days. But she was a special case lol

Just dont think you should look at it that tragically. What if she does send a message? Would you be extactic for that even now after you say how you dont care?

There is a state of infatuation called "limerence". All-consuming passion. Anyway, its characterized by very big oscilations of emotions. Other person does something we dont like- we hate her. Other person after that does something sweet and good- we love her. I feel that you are at that stage now. You need to do less oscilations with your emotions. Either its not OK that she would answer days after or not answer at all and you are abandoning the whole thing. Or you just wait if she answers. 

That's a lot easier to do when you have options, other opportunities, and all that. When you don't have that...then yes, it seems pretty tragic lol

Would I reply if she finally responded? Idk and I don't think it matters this time bc this seems like an easy out for her to stop contact.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

That's a lot easier to do when you have options, other opportunities, and all that. When you don't have that...then yes, it seems pretty tragic lol

Would I reply if she finally responded? Idk and I don't think it matters this time bc this seems like an easy out for her to stop contact.

You can have options and opportunities. You are your own worst enemy in that regard. It’s not tragic since no one is required to or entitled to date but it’s a shame. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Didn’t you choose not to respond to her invitation for several days?

That was different. I said then and there that I don't like dancing. And it was the next day. I said I'd consider it. I didn't enthusiastically say yes. But perhaps it started a negative precedent, idk

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

yes. When I was very interested in a man and I was actually that busy with juggling and scheduling and lots of last minute work demands even if I was super interested I’d say “I would love to take a salsa dancing class with you. I should know by (date in future) when I’ll be free on a weekday evening. I hope that’s ok “.

Therefore despite having to wait to confirm he would know why. She could have done a better job of explaining why the delay. 

She could've done a much better job. When you say "let me look" you don't expect to wait days later if at all to get a response. But at least now I can take the hint.

 

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You can have options and opportunities. You are your own worst enemy in that regard. It’s not tragic since no one is required to or entitled to date but it’s a shame. 

I wish, and yes...it sure it.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

That was different. I said then and there that I don't like dancing. And it was the next day. I said I'd consider it. I didn't enthusiastically say yes. But perhaps it started a negative precedent, idk

She could've done a much better job. When you say "let me look" you don't expect to wait days later if at all to get a response. But at least now I can take the hint.

 

I wish, and yes...it sure it.

You don’t have to wish. You can act.  I had wishes and some I made come true through actions and some major ones did not despite my actions. No guarantees. But if you focus on “it never will be and I can prove it” then you guarantee it never will happen or at least extremely unlikely. So I chose the first path - stopped getting in my own way and took actions. Many. For years. Then I had a little dose of luck and timing.
By contrast given biology my actions in wanting to have 2 biological children instead of 1 did not pay off.  I accept that that wish didn’t come true and that you can do your best and still not succeed.

You’re doing your best - to sabotage yourself. Work with what you’ve got and if you don’t have it work to improve on whatever you can. I did so. It’s really hard. For me it was worth it. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

That's a lot easier to do when you have options, other opportunities, and all that. When you don't have that...then yes, it seems pretty tragic lol

 

But its not tragic. Even if you dont have too many options, that doesnt mean you shouldnt have a healthier attitude toward dating. Its not tragic if somebody doesnt responds to your message or says "No" to a date. A bit dissapointing but not tragic. You need to look at that as a little bump in the road. If she doesnt want to date you, some other woman will. Yeah, yeah, I know, you think it didnt happen before so it may not happen. But you are doing yourself a diservice by seeing something like this as "tragic". Because you are hindering yourself in moving forward. You are seeing this as tragic so because of your negative experience in return you maybe wont try for a while to approach or call some woman out. Or even worst have a negative attitude toward women. But if you dont look at it as a big deal maybe tomorrow you wont be jaded and try again. You will meet some other woman and decide to try to ask her out. And she would maybe say "Yes". Because ultimately this is not that big of a deal and you should be just fine. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

27 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

But its not tragic. Even if you dont have too many options, that doesnt mean you shouldnt have a healthier attitude toward dating. Its not tragic if somebody doesnt responds to your message or says "No" to a date. A bit dissapointing but not tragic.

For you, perhaps. It's sooo easy to say this when you're not someone with nothing. You can have a healthy attitude when you have no prospects and nothing about your dating circumstance is "healthy". It's blatantly tragic bc I have no idea when I'll ever get a real opportunity. This was an opportunity for friendship and I couldn't even get that. 

Quote

You need to look at that as a little bump in the road. If she doesnt want to date you, some other woman will.

Unfortunately, I have no indication of that and it remains to be seen. This is more or less what happens...always.

Quote

Yeah, yeah, I know, you think it didnt happen before so it may not happen. But you are doing yourself a diservice by seeing something like this as "tragic". Because you are hindering yourself in moving forward.

The lack of any woman ever saying yes is doing to hindering tbh...

Quote

 

You are seeing this as tragic so because of your negative experience in return you maybe wont try for a while to approach or call some woman out. Or even worst have a negative attitude toward women.

 

If you're a millionaire and you lose 20$ it means literally nothing bc of your bank account and your reserves. You have tons of resources so it's inconsequential. If you're a homeless person and you lose that, it's devastating and life or death bc you don't know when, if ever, you'll get more money. literally everyone $ counts. Not looking at losing money is a luxury...it's a privilege we're not all afforded.

Quote

But if you dont look at it as a big deal maybe tomorrow you wont be jaded and try again. You will meet some other woman and decide to try to ask her out.

I have no indication of that. Nothing in my life gives me credence to believe that's a possibility at this point.

Quote

And she would maybe say "Yes". Because ultimately this is not that big of a deal and you should be just fine. 

It must be really nice to be able to think this way. I'm sure it's really, really nice. You cannot believe or think that when no one ever says "yes" and you only get ghosted or forgotten about.

[Batya33]

Any woman you’ve asked out. Any woman you’ve chosen to ask out. Also given that you didn’t respond to this woman for days it’s quite possible you’ve been similarly distant or rude with other women you’ve asked out. You don’t have nothing and it’s not tragic. No one is entitled to a person saying yes to any invitation or date. It may be that no one you choose to ask out will say yes.

Then you are the common denominator.  Who are you asking ? What is the timing and context and environment and how do you know this person ? How many might have a boyfriend or a significant other or be exploring dating women or exploring reconnecting with an ex. Or about to relocate but not telling anyone yet.  You don’t know. And one reason it’s more likely you don’t know is you’re introverted and don’t get a lot of information an extroverted person might. I’m not criticizing being introverted.
I married an introvert and he’s the best of the best in every way but sometimes I’m the one who has to get information we need because I’m better at it being an extrovert. And he’s better at minding his own business lol. 
you come across as negative and a downer.  And angry. No surprise that many women will sense this and decline. I declined a number of men for that very reason. 

[WaywardKiwi]

You blew off her in person invitation without a proper response, then waited until after the proposed event to offer a vague, toe-dip invitation via text message, which is both a trigger for you and clearly a weakness for her, and then you give up within 24 hours. She has a proven track record of slow replies to messages, yet everytime you accuse her of cowardice and malice. 

I agree, interested people act interested. However, when it comes to mixed signals, yours have been FAR more mixed than hers. She has invited you out FAR more times than you her, even after you actively avoid her, or dont respond to invitations. This myth that interested people always instant return text messages is just that, a myth. In fact, as I have gotten older I actually agree that people who dont always return messages instantly are generally better at maintaining healthier relationships. For all you know she is trying to reschedule those days you suggested with other people to make herself available. 

But I suggest you block her and stop volunteering. You don't even seem to like her.  You actively disparage her at any percieved slight, and given your extreme issues with texting and her deficiency, you appear incompatible regardless of interest. If you cant trust her and give her some benefit of the doubt, especially when she has gone out of her way to respect your issues and anxiety, she isnt the one for you. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 hour ago, WaywardKiwi said:

You blew off her in person invitation without a proper response, then waited until after the proposed event to offer a vague, toe-dip invitation via text message, which is both a trigger for you and clearly a weakness for her, and then you give up within 24 hours. She has a proven track record of slow replies to messages, yet everytime you accuse her of cowardice and malice. 

Ok, yea, the day of I should've confirmed I wasn't going, bc I did say I would consider it, but I told her right then and there I don't like dancing, and it was literally the next day. And the event I proposed was the one that was to be "rescheduled" that she never even mentioned again. And I mean it's been almost 48 hours now. Context matters. Her last text was "let me look"...one would assume that wouldn't take more than a couple of hours at the most. There's someone being slow to reply, and then there's just not replying for day. That seems kinda rude...

1 hour ago, WaywardKiwi said:

I agree, interested people act interested. However, when it comes to mixed signals, yours have been FAR more mixed than hers. She has invited you out FAR more times than you her, even after you actively avoid her, or dont respond to invitations. This myth that interested people always instant return text messages is just that, a myth. In fact, as I have gotten older I actually agree that people who dont always return messages instantly are generally better at maintaining healthier relationships. For all you know she is trying to reschedule those days you suggested with other people to make herself available. 

I don't think my signals are mixed..and I'm insecure and anxious, so it's different for me. Aside from leaving those couple of events early, I've been pretty consistent. Meanwhile, sometimes she seems really keen and then the next day, she seems to be giving me a hint to go away. It's totally hot and cold and....really confusing, especially when I haven't even made any advances on her. I'm not saying someone should automatically reply within ten minutes if they're interested or something, but not hearing from them in days after they implied they would look at their schedule, after they already confirmed to be interested in meeting? Seems weird.

As far as the bolded section, why wouldn't someone just say that instead of letting the other person do guesswork?

1 hour ago, WaywardKiwi said:

But I suggest you block her and stop volunteering. You don't even seem to like her.  You actively disparage her at any percieved slight, and given your extreme issues with texting and her deficiency, you appear incompatible regardless of interest. If you cant trust her and give her some benefit of the doubt, especially when she has gone out of her way to respect your issues and anxiety, she isnt the one for you. 

I do like her. That's the issue. If I didn't I would've gave up ages ago. And I'm not even trying to date her....I can't even imagine how stressful and jarring that must be considering her communication style and flaky nature. That's what's so puzzling: I am just trying to be her friend, with no ulterior motives and that's why all of this is so confusing. I'm not flirting with her or asking her on a date or to dinner, but just trying to arrange a friendly meet is akin to pulling teeth with her. Then when it happens it goes well, and she later text that she hopes to see me more often, and that it was fun, then the next text will just be a one-word reply or emoji... When we actually meet we seem to have some semblance of chemistry and a connection. But it's getting to actually meet her that's the issue.