Struggling hard and need someone to talk to

[BreakingSad]

I heard more from my mutual friend that my ex said I gaslighted, yelled, would point fingers, was untrustworthy, had bad character and lied. It made her feel psychologically unsafe she said.

 I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. No one ever has described me as that. Is that who I am? Is that how people perceive me? 

It caused me to reach out to my mom, dad, sister, 4 close friends, 2 cousins, and 2 exes (which was awkward but whatever) and asked them if they saw those patterns in me at anytime. Because if so, I want to fix them. I also asked if I there was any other good or bad feedback I should focus on. 
 

All of them (including my exes) said Hell no. They said I was emotional at times (HSP) but it was good and bad. Instead (without me asking they said - most of them texted me a list later that I compiled) that was consistent:

• I am generous. 

• I am kind.

• I am funny. 

• I am charismatic.

• I am friendly. 

• I am protective. 

• I am successful. 

• I am non-judgmental & accepting of others.

• I am introspective. 

• I am always wanting to improve. 

• I am trustworthy. 

• I am empathetic. 

• I am loyal.

• I am honest. 

• I am helpful.

• I am strong. 

• I am successful.

• I am supportive. 

• I am a deep conversationalist.

• I am quirky. 

• I am an animal lover. 

• I am healthy. 

• I am confident. 

• I am a adaptable 

I am forgiving.

 

Every time I read that list I bust into tears. How can someone I love/loved so much think I’m this evil monster. But my inner circle (well my exes aren’t anymore) say so many wonderful things. I know Im not perfect but as you read above, every day I strive to improve myself. I just wish I would stop putting so much stock into what this one person thinks of me. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, BreakingSad said:

I just wish I would stop putting so much stock into what this one person thinks of me. 

I wish for you that you stop any discussions on this topic -and stop the gossip -with this mutual "friend".  This was never a healthful relationship from the start so this backlash/post-ending gossip shouldn't surprise you.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

I heard more from my mutual friend

You need to stop having these conversations with this "friend."

It's causing you to spiral. 

[BreakingSad]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

You need to stop having these conversations with this "friend."

It's causing you to spiral. 

Agreed. I went out with a couple of buddies tonight who basically beat that into my head. 

1) My friend is not casually offering up this info. I kept asking. Which is toxic and a form of me trying to keep tabs / hold on. No different than looking at pictures of her. I also found her friends are also on this band-wagon of hating me.  It just stunts my healing process. NC is NC! 

2) If my friend is talking to me about her I’m sure it’s vice versa. And if I’m putting off this vibe that I want to win her back and I want to apologize - it just gives her more power and validates her anger (the pedestal). 

I’ve already talked to my mutual friend and said please let’s not talk about her again. I am over it an moving on (I mean I’m not completely over it but in terms of my mutual friend conversation - I just wanted to fake it until I make it so the conversations end). She was super kind about it and agreed. She was a bit exhausted about how much I brought it up. I bought her a thank you card for being a good friend and a gift card so her and your boyfriend can have a nice dinner. 

As a matter of fact, I’m hanging out with the mutual friend tomorrow with a bunch of people and Sunday - she’s going to help me buy new furniture. I am not going to bring her up once. I am going to live in the moment and try to find my fun self again. 

My ex took the route of deflection/projection/protection/crap talking, ton of anger. That’s valid for her but none my concern and nothing I want to be involved with. I am taking the route of healing properly- therapy, journaling, working-out, self help books, hanging out with healthy friends, being sober etc. Also valid but none of her concern. 

I am absolutely exhausted from crying over someone who isn’t crying over me. Im exhausted for trying to fight for someone who isn’t fighting for me. I’m exhausted for taking responsibility for everything that went wrong when she won’t take any. I’m exhausted from wanting to have a rational conversation and she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I know I have my issues / low self-esteem but enough is enough. As much as I love her (or the person she used to be) this is not worth it anymore. 

I could give a crap less about age differences and emotional affairs and all that…In the end….

If people don’t see the things that make me great and unique, they have no place in my life. If people speak negatively of me, they have no place in my life. If people don’t care to resolve differences and work through challenges in a loving matter, they have no place in my life. My inner circle loves me for all the reasons I mentioned above. Those are the people I need to focus on. My daily reminders: 

• Never forget your own worth.

• No one can make you feel inferior without your own consent. 

• I cannot control others’ opinions and actions. I can only control how I choose to respond. 

• Everything I need exists within me. 

• My emotions and feelings are valid. 

• Don’t ever convince anyone to love you and stay in your life. You are a gift. You are a prize. If they don’t want to be there that’s a sure sign they’re not supposed to be there. 

• If someone wants to leave, let them leave. Your destiny is not tied to people who walk away. 

• You deserve someone who can commit. You deserve someone who loves you enough. You deserve someone who appreciates everything about you. 

• Stop replaying the past and thinking about the future. All we have is the present. Cherish it. 

• Always forgive yourself. You are an amazing person and always do the best you can. If someone doesn’t see that, that is their loss – not yours. 

• The only closure or validation you need exists within yourself, not others. 

• Love is not an attachment. Being attached is not loving or being loved. Attachment shows the fear of losing. 

• if you love something set it free if it comes back it was meant to be. (The most cliche of all)

• Energy cannot be destroyed. Turn your internal sadness and grieving energy to make positive moments and better yourself. 

• This is tough but so am I! 

• Every thought you have, ask yourself – Is this helping me move forward and be a better person or is it stunting my growth and living in a past you can’t control. 

• Somethings break your heart but fixes your vision. 

• Someone who values you would never put themselves in a position to love you.

• You will not heal by going back to what broke you.

• I may have lost someone who didn’t love me, but you lost someone who truly loved you.

• I’m walking away because you were too busy finding faults in me while I was overlooking yours. 

• I am tired of fighting. For once, I want to be fought for. 

• One of the best times for figuring out who you are and what you really want out of life.. Right after a break-up.

• Don’t waste moments waiting and wondering. Don’t throw away your time dreaming of someone that doesn’t want you. No one is that amazing, certainly not the one who would pass you up.

• You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but staying down.

• Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the one person who you thought would never hurt you.

• Don’t let someone who isn’t worth your love make you forget how much you are worth.

• When you know your worth, you don’t lose people. People lose you.

• You deserve someone who would never dream of losing you.

• Cease seeking a stranger’s heart to love when your own remains neglected.

• I’m only me. That is all I can be. No more, no less, don’t second guess. I love, I live, I laugh, I cry. I’ve wished sometimes that I could die. Some days I’m funny, others I’m not, sometimes I’m in overdrive and I can’t stop. You may not like me, but that’s okay because this is me and how I’ll stay.

• The toughest part of letting go is realizing the other person already did. “I cannot compromise my respect for your love. You can keep your love, I will keep my respect.

• I didn’t lose you. You lost me. You’ll search for me inside of everyone you’re with and I won’t be found.” 

• “Most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself.”

• “Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.” 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

 I just wish I would stop putting so much stock into what this one person thinks of me.

In addition to therapy and medical treatment, please join some support groups, both for sustaining sobriety and for the BPD. It will take a while to stabilize, but running after people for feedback about her seems obsessive. As does surveying everyone you know about your character.

Please contact your therapist, physician or go to an ER when things get this out of control. You can also call mental health hotlines to speak to someone who'll listen,  calm you down and help steer you in the right direction.

Please make an appointment with your physician for a thorough neurological and psychiatric work up.  Unfortunately you seem to be spiralling out of control.

[BreakingSad]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In addition to therapy and medical treatment, please join some support groups, both for sustaining sobriety and for the BPD. It will take a while to stabilize, but running after people for feedback about her seems obsessive. As does surveying everyone you know about your character.

Please contact your therapist, physician or go to an ER when things get this out of control. You can also call mental health hotlines to speak to someone who'll listen,  calm you down and help steer you in the right direction.

Please make an appointment with your physician for a thorough neurological and psychiatric work up.  Unfortunately you seem to be spiralling out of control.

I appreciate the advice but i am in a much better place and don’t need to go to such extremes. I have no problem staying sober - I did it mostly because I’m starting to work out an taking my health more seriously. I don’t miss alcohol at all.

I see a therapist weekly and every night I’m reading self-help books and improving myself. 

I meditate twice a day and actively work on living in the present. 

My therapist does not think I have BPD and I’m psychologist was unsure about (he just thought I ha some of the symptoms). My therapist definitely thinks I’m an HSP which I’ve always agreed with. So, we have to look into that some more.

I have implemented all NC including stopping to talk to our mutual friends.

And I think talking to my support group about all the wonderful qualities about me was about the most amazing and positive thing I did. It helped with my self esteem and really enforced that one persons opinion of me doesn’t matter.

And writing down self-affirmations and positive quotes to remind myself to stay on track I think is also positive. 

Yes, these last 30 days have been hard but I’ve seen significant progress through my grieving process (which hits everyone differently). So, I think I’ll stick my own path of physical, mental, and spiritual growth. 

If it gets worse Ill def a Neuro but I don’t think it’s needed at this time.

Thanks for all your advice! It’s much appreciated!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BreakingSad said:

My therapist does not think I have BPD and I’m psychologist was unsure about (he just thought I ha some of the symptoms). My therapist definitely thinks I’m an HSP 

Exactly. This is why a complete work up to determine what is really going on is very important. Effective relief is dependent on effective treatment and that of course is dependent on an accurate diagnosis.

It's unclear why you stated you have BPD and were on medication for it but now claim you don't? Whatever the case, it's always good to know what exactly you're dealing with.

[Batya33]

I'm not going to knock positive affirmations for sure -they "work" for me in a very minor way -I don't do affirmations -I do a prayer and three things I am grateful for daily (skipping a day occasionally) at night before I go to sleep.  It helps me feel centered-and sleepy lol.

I think you do you -if your personal standard is a person needs to find you great and special and unique to be in your life -go for it.  Sounds to me like you're overcompensating but you feel what you feel.  

I'm not a fan of labels for sure but I think you referring to her as your "ex" is elevating her importance in your life. You had an affair with a married woman, then she was a very recently divorced woman and it doesn't sound like you two were exclusive (certainly not when she was married or separated -then she couldn't date you or anyone let alone exclusively) .

You weren't in an exclusive romantic relationship with another single person.  She was legally divorced a very short time when you were dating.  Elevating her to "the ex" also elevates what you are hearing second hand is her opinions of you and your behavior.  Not good IMO.

I'm glad you let your friend off the hook and it's good of her to cut you slack.  

[BreakingSad]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm not a fan of labels for sure but I think you referring to her as your "ex" is elevating her importance in your life. You had an affair with a married woman, then she was a very recently divorced woman and it doesn't sound like you two were exclusive (certainly not when she was married or separated -then she couldn't date you or anyone let alone exclusively) .

You weren't in an exclusive romantic relationship with another single person.  She was legally divorced a very short time when you were dating.  Elevating her to "the ex" also elevates what you are hearing second hand is her opinions of you and your behavior.  Not good IMO.

Thank you for this. I reflected on this a lot this morning. This is yet another comment that knocks her off the pedestal I put her on. You’re right, she was never available in what I want/deserve. I got caught up in unethical situation with a confused/hurting woman and allowed it because of my self-esteem/emotional issues. I don’t think she ever loved me like the way she said she did (Or maybe she did but we definitely have very definitions). It’s time to come to terms that this was never going to work because we wanted different things, her not processing her divorce, my issues, age difference etc. etc. 

And through the last couple weeks I 100% agree that the second hand comments I’m hearing fuels my sadness. She literally needs to be dead to me in every sense of the word. If you are keeping up with my posts you know i have slight flair of the dramatics but again…I am writing her one final letter and tying it into a balloon and release it to the heavens. The only closure I need is found within myself. While I still cry every day it’s went from 3x times a day to 1x. Progress is progress. 

That’s the only way I can continue my journey of healing includes defining better boundaries, explore my emotional issues, better understanding and coping with my HSP and possibly BPD, working on mindfulness, therapy, working out, living in sobriety, and building a life I’m proud of. I don’t need validation from someone who says she loved me one week and hated me the next. That’s her process and has nothing to do with me. That’s not love or anyone I need in my life. The last few days I’ve really been focusing on living in the present and just being positive - smiling, helping people, complimenting people, and just putting out positive energy in the world. 

I keep telling myself that I completely mistook this situation for whatI thought it was and I need to explore more why I allowed it and was ok with why I let it get so far. 

Thank you for all the positive feedback and the swift kick in the behind. 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

You’re right, she was never available in what I want/deserve. I got caught up in unethical situation with a confused/hurting woman and allowed it because of my self-esteem/emotional issues.

For your own future benefit get very clear with yourself that you chose this every step of the way and for awhile reaped all the upsides.  You chose to react to your internal stuff/issues by pursuing a married woman -which obviously is unhealthy with rare exceptions that do not apply here at all.  What if she said she got "caught up" in bad mouthing you because she's going through a lot - so it should be excused? 

I do not think you should beat yourself up but if you give yourself a pass you're likely to continue to make bad choices.

Certainly if referring to this as a "journey of healing" and writing out your feelings in letter form and flying it off in a balloon inspires you and hastens you to make concrete choices -basic stuff -that are healthy choices -whatever works. If you find it holds you back because it's too abstract and "woo woo" you'll know that soon enough.

I hope you feel better. 

[Andrina]

Please reconsider the balloon as balloons are bad for the environment and harmful to wildlife. 

If you've had bad luck with dating in the past, it could be women sense the extremeness of your emotions and it scares them. Writing walls of text and crying 3 times a day for a woman you had relations with a mere 7 months, and interviewing a large group of people about your traits is way over the top.

I hope you can learn to regulate your feelings better in any future dating experiences. I can tell you if any woman knew you did any of this in the past, she'd avoid the risk of dating you. Too intense. 

As long as you can learn from each experience and improve, there is hope for better results in the future. Good luck.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Please reconsider the balloon as balloons are bad for the environment and harmful to wildlife. 

If you've had bad luck with dating in the past, it could be women sense the extremeness of your emotions and it scares them. Writing walls of text and crying 3 times a day for a woman you had relations with a mere 7 months, and interviewing a large group of people about your traits is way over the top.

I hope you can learn to regulate your feelings better in any future dating experiences. I can tell you if any woman knew you did any of this in the past, she'd avoid the risk of dating you. Too intense. 

As long as you can learn from each experience and improve, there is hope for better results in the future. Good luck.

Great point about balloon. Was on my mind too. 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

Please reconsider the balloon as balloons are bad for the environment and harmful to wildlife. 

Agree 100%.

You can write the letter on a piece of paper and burn it in your fireplace. Or if you don't have one, you could just carefully light it with a match over your kitchen sink. Please be careful if you do this. Last thing you need is a house fire, right?

[BreakingSad]

Haha, ok no balloons. Thanks for the honest responses. You’re right, I’ve been letting my emotions get the better of me. The way I’ve been acting has gotten out of control. I don’t need a letter, I don’t need external validation, and I need to stop believing we loved each other in a healthy/emotional way. It was a 7 month fling between 2 unemotionally healthy people. That’s really it. I am working on detachment in general, stop controlling outcomes, and just focusing on the present and improving my own life. 

Today I worked on living in the present and worked really hard on just focusing on things that made me happy. I read, walked, went to a coffee shop and even made a couple of friends. It felt good to just enjoy myself without worrying about if I could get her back, or why she is angry with me or all those other negative emotions stunting my growth. I still have a long way to go but thanks for the brutal but honest feedback. 

Wu-Wei

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, BreakingSad said:

Today I worked on living in the present and worked really hard on just focusing on things that made me happy. I read, walked, went to a coffee shop and even made a couple of friends

That sounds like a perfect day!!! Good for you.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, BreakingSad said:

I am writing her one final letter and tying it into a balloon and release it to the heavens. The only closure I need is found within myself. 

It's good to write out your thoughts in a letter but not send it as a sort of letting go ritual. However, keep the letter and discuss it with your therapist. It may be a valuable tool in your progress.