Boundaries

[EagleMaster69]

Im not sure if this is the right option to do but basically me and my girlfriend has had a few hiccups in our relationship in the last couple of weeks and I think its due to the fact that we don't understand each other well (but I could be wrong).

So I was thinking would it be a good idea if we spoke to each other about our boundaries and try to understand what we do and dont find sensitive and what is the line between right and wrong? 

Any help/advice would be appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, EagleMaster69 said:

 try to understand what we do and dont find sensitive and what is the line between right and wrong? 

How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive? How old is she? 

What are the hiccups and misunderstandings about? 

Instead of "right/wrong", just talk things out about agreeing on things you both want to see happening (or not happening).

[bluecastle]

Can you explain a bit more about these hiccups and how long you've been together? Without context, it's hard to give much more than general advice.

That said, I think it's always important to be able to talk about what both parties in a relationship expect to make sure everyone is on the same page. 

[EagleMaster69]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive? How old is she? 

What are the hiccups and misunderstandings about? 

Instead of "right/wrong", just talk things out about agreeing on things you both want to see happening (or not happening).

We have been dating since December 2022. 

The hiccups were about minor things like taking a joke the wrong way or taking something way out of proportion for very little reason. I mean she would apolgise after a couple days for an outburst but it would obviously be better if we didn't have the outburst in the first place if we knew what each other's sensitivity levels were.

[EagleMaster69]

10 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Can you explain a bit more about these hiccups and how long you've been together? Without context, it's hard to give much more than general advice.

That said, I think it's always important to be able to talk about what both parties in a relationship expect to make sure everyone is on the same page. 

As mentioned in the previous message, the hiccups were about minor things like taking a joke the wrong way or taking things way out of proportion but then later apologising for the outburst.

Yeah you're not wrong but should we have a conversation about what topics we do and don't like? 

[Batya33]

I wouldn’t do it. Do it as it comes up naturally otherwise it’s too heavy handed. It seems to me you two just might not be a good fit if this soon in the relationship there is this level of conflict /walking on eggshells 

[bluecastle]

17 minutes ago, EagleMaster69 said:

should we have a conversation about what topics we do and don't like? 

I think these sorts of conversations should be pretty natural and organic, not like a serious summit. You two are still new, still figuring each other out and, in that process, figuring out how well you two work together (or don't).

All in all, I don't think there should be a ton of self-editing involved in making a relationship work. Like, it's important to learn another person's sensitivities, and be mindful of them, but at the same time you have to still be able to be, you know, you. If that's not possible it's often a sign that you're not super compatible with someone.

Am I correct in understand that the general gist here is that you've made jokes that she finds bothersome, while for you it is the "outbursts" that are the trouble? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EagleMaster69 said:

We have been dating since December 2022. 

The hiccups were about minor things like taking a joke the wrong way or taking something way out of proportion for very little reason. I mean she would apolgise after a couple days for an outburst but it would obviously be better if we didn't have the outburst in the first place if we knew what each other's sensitivity levels were.

Ok, then discuss why a joke is not funny or what's being taken out of proportion. Don't put up with tantrums, but being dismissive (you're blowing it out of proportion, you can't take a joke,etc.) just adds fuel to the fire. 

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, but perhaps through conversation you can discover things that each other may be touchy about. It's part of the getting to know you process.

[LootieTootie]

You guys don't sound like a good fit for each other.

Also, can you provide a specific example? Tell us one of your jokes where she had an outburst. Also how does she react when she have an outburst?

[smackie9]

When you have been dating for a short time, and things are rocky, that means you are incompatible. This is not worth it. 

[Cherylyn]

Have a verbal discussion whether in person or on the phone.   If a joke is in poor taste,  refrain from telling it whether her or you.  If certain subjects are uncomfortably sore subjects or painful,  then don't don't broach them.  Exercise discretion. 

Make sure both of you share similar communication styles because if you don't mesh, it won't work.  Figure out if both of you are compatible or incompatible.

I like many people in my life on a superficial level but I wouldn't be compatible with them as a close friend,  boyfriend, husband or if I had to live with them.  I have my limits.  

Discern personality and character differences and let that be your guide.