I don't know what to do

[H o p e]

Hello,

A month and a half ago, I contacted this guy and invited him to work with our creative team (we are a big firm, and he is the CEO of a small company, besides that he has another job) and he said yes. Our work is art business. After the actual meeting which only lasted half an hour, he and I talked alone some 5 to 10 minutes more at the venue where the meeting took place, my colleagues politely left us alone. The connection was there from the first moment, during conversation he slightly touched my hand, it felt natural, he was still polite, humorous and pleasant. Later that day, I received his message on my cell, saying something like 'in couple minutes', followed by immediate 'sorry, wrong number', to which I replied 'no worries :)' and he only sent the crazy laughing emoticon back (don't know if it was an actual mistake or his excuse to write to me). The day after, I needed additional info from him, work related only (no excuse:)). I texted him, he called me, and we talked for about 10 minutes. And he texted me with another information afterward, and I thanked him for both.

Less than a week later, our product was released. Immediately after seeing it, he wrote me how beautiful it is and that he is very much touched by it, and he thanked me for the work done. I thanked him for his feedback, admitted I was nervous before the launch and I thanked him for cooperating which meant a lot to me. He said he enjoyed it and would love to repeat it, that he received a lot of great feedback from people viewing it, and to thank me for it, he would like to take me for a coffee sometime. I wrote I'd like that. And he said okay, I should let him know when I have a desire to go. I wrote I will, with a smiley.

5 days after these texts, he had a birthday. I knew that from our meeting when we talked about some business deadlines, and he said the mentioned deadline would be on his birthday. It really wasn't hard to remember. Anyway, I texted him a short 'Hey, happy birthday!:)' to which he replied with surprised Ooh, thank you, and the star-struck emoticon.

In the following days, I really got busy at work, almost burnout, I would say, I hardly kept it going. All of a sudden, I thought it might look like I'm not interested in that coffee. So (it was now two weeks after his birthday and our last texts), I wrote to him that I would very much like to go and get that coffee already, unfortunately I am stuck at work all the time (he is very busy too), but I will be free next week (I suggested a specific day) and asked him 'how about you'? To which he replied he'd happily go, that in general he's free on that day, but he only gets his schedule completed a couple of days before. But that we will find a time. I replied, 'OK, we'll hear each other.' And he texted me a smile back. To which I didn't reply with a smiley, don't know why.

When the suggested coffee day arrived, he did not contact me. Not a day or two days before. I assumed he will, and I assumed it is what he meant. I leaned back and wanted to make no further moves, I wanted him to make a plan, I wanted him to come to me. When he didn't, I assumed he was busy.

But now, it's been almost three weeks from our last texts. We didn't chat in between, and I liked it, because I believe the real connection is in the real world where we were planning to meet. We are also not connected on social media, but we have some mutual friends there too.

Should I have done something different? He is a very shy guy, though. For example, when he called me, he hung up really quick and when I called him back, he said 'yeah, I always think I bother people at something, so I hang up pretty quickly'.

Outside the project we made, we have mutual acquaintances we both respect and given the circumstances, I have difficulties accepting he would just ghost. We are both independent individuals in our forties, never been married, no kids. I am single. I am not sure if he is taken, in his team there is this woman of which I'm not sure if they are in a relationship or not. And if they are, it could be she sensed something and pressured him. And if they are, I wouldn't want to date him.

Maybe he only suggested a friendly coffee, and only I thought he referred to this coffee as a date and expected too much?  The situation confuses me for many reasons. 1. He seems reasonable and responsible, a sort of guy that does follow through, it's part of what he does in business. 2. It was his initiative. 3. Is he taking it slow, changing his mind, testing me, or just disappearing?

I must admit, I fell in love with this guy. And I'm thinking rethinking all of it way too much. It seemed so smooth in the beginning, with a natural pace. I do know a lot about him, and it's only good stuff, but from years before, none of our mutual acquaintances know about this crush which I didn't want to make it obvious, not to scare him away, which is the reason I took some time for letting him know about the coffee, and there was this birthday wish in between, and now - where am I, actually? Should I just wait/forget about him?

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, H o p e said:

I fell in love with this guy

OP, you barely know him. You aren't in love with him. You have a crush. Try not to over-indulge that when you have never even been on a date with him. 

9 minutes ago, H o p e said:

he would like to take me for a coffee sometime. I wrote I'd like that. And he said okay, I should let him know when I have a desire to go

It sounds like you took too long to follow up on this invitation. If I'm reading it right, you waited nearly 3 weeks to actually let him know you were interested. Is that correct? If so, that was your mistake. 

9 minutes ago, H o p e said:

not to scare him away, which is the reason I took some time for letting him know about the coffee

Forgive me, but that makes no sense. He invited you out. Why would you accepting his invitation in a more reasonable time frame scare him away? 

Anyway, it appears the ship has sailed. He was interested but no longer seems to be. Next time, if you are interested, don't drag your feet responding to an invitation like this. 

[Sindy_0311]

I think he might not be that interested. I once met a guy, also working in arts and communication. We have been collaborating once on a project and had to talk everyday. Connection was great too and I sensed he was attracted to me when we first met. He used to call me in my free time to advance on the project, he was always complimenting my work, saying how talented I was by sending me voice messages. Then he left his job for another one and I never heard from him again. 

Six month later, he liked my profile on a dating app and texted me there, asking how I was, etc… he also said we should go out for a drink someday to which I replied with pleasure… and that was it… he never proposed a day, or arranged anything. I think your guy, like mine, enjoys working with you, maybe he thought about that coffee ‘date’ to see if there was any potential or attraction but he isn’t very into you… 

Also you mentionned that happy birthday text. Would he have been really interested in you, he would have followed with the conversation, taking it as a opportunity to know you outside of work matters. But he didn’t, and I guess it’s not because he is shy, you opened a door and he didn’t follow through. 

Just leave it to that, and maybe someday, he will reach out again… or not… 

[H o p e]

Thank you, Sindy_0311, I too thought he could have followed with the conversation after my birthday text.

And when he mentioned his schedule, I understood it as ... He was going to let me know if he too has time on that day or not ...



 

[MissCanuck]

19 minutes ago, H o p e said:

I too thought he could have followed with the conversation after my birthday text.

I don't really agree with this. 

He told you to let him know when you were free for coffee. You didn't do so. The ball was in your court to keep the conversation going. Why didn't you mention it when you wished him Happy Birthday? 

[H o p e]

MissCanuck, I sincerely hope this ship hasn't sailed.

In general, why it took me so long? I was afraid of coming on too strong.
You see:
- I was the one who invited him to the project,
- I was lettim him know I like him on the venue,
- I called him the next day,
- I said I would go for a coffee,
- I wished him HB,
- I did suggest an actul time for a coffee.

Mentioning coffee on his birthday, I don't know, I haven't thought of it, I assumed he had plans already.
 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, H o p e said:

A month and a half ago, I contacted this guy and invited him to work with our creative team  and he said yes.  

It seems like this was a business opportunity and transaction for him and he was networking.

It doesn't seem like he was inappropriate or trying to date you. You seem to be applying dating terms and dynamics to a business transaction 

Perhaps stay in touch on LinkedIn as businesses connections. 

As far as dating, get a good profile and pics on quality (paid) relationship-focused apps and start talking to and meeting men. After a few messages set up a brief coffee or drink to assess in-person chemistry.

Try not to mix business with pleasure. You don't even know if this man is single or interested. He seems to only have been participating appropriately because you contacted him about this joint project.

[Kwothe28]

Aside of maybe scheduling a date right away when he asked to take you out for a coffee, you did fine. A lot could have happened in meantime, he could have lost interest over time, he could have found somebody else etc. In todays time sometimes you need to have a good timing as well. But aside of that, you did fine. Its on us to offer the other side a date, its on other side to say yes or no. His answer was that he just isnt interested or wasnt when you suggested it. That is OK, take it as it is and move on.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, H o p e said:

Mentioning coffee on his birthday, I don't know, I haven't thought of it, I assumed he had plans already.

No, I didn't mean asking him to have coffee on his birthday. I meant following up when you wished him happy birthday, by also saying you were available on X-date to meet. 

1 hour ago, H o p e said:

I did suggest an actul time for a coffee

Right, but more than 2 weeks after he first suggested it, no?

 

[Sindy_0311]

2 hours ago, H o p e said:

And when he mentioned his schedule, I understood it as ... He was going to let me know if he too has time on that day or not ...



 

Do I understand correctly? two weeks after the birthday text, you reached out again and proposed a day for the coffee? And he didn’t suggest an hour or time to meet. He could have said let’s meet after work, or I will be free at x pm on x day…

he didn’t jump on the opportunity when you reached out… 

Also, the first text he sent you, I think it was my mistake, otherwise he would have kept conversation going. 
 
but I agree with @Wiseman2 try to keep in touch on linked in. And react to his feeds sometimes just to stay in his sight a little bit… 

[Batya33]

He is not shy IMO.  He touches your hand at a first -business! -meeting? Then asks  you for coffee? That's not shy behavior (even if he is a shy person) that's very forward.  

I agree with this one something happened either in his life or he is a person who moves on if there's no real response after a couple of days let alone two weeks. Last week a new friend I met online via an FB group asked to schedule another phone call.  We've spoken twice and texted quite a bit-we have a lot in common which is why we got in touch personally to begin with.  We're also trying to figure out a time to meet in person.  We now live 40 minutes drive as opposed to 20 but she comes to my area enough.

Late last week she asked if we could schedule a phone call.  Genuinely at that moment I couldn't.  Too much going on! And I told her this in an immediate text response and that I would let her know when I could. 

Today it's on my mind - to follow up today (with a reminder in my phone too) because to me if I don't contact her today then we're talking about starting to be too much time and even as a platonic friend I want to show interest in a developing friendship.  We had a very strong friendship connection from the get go -unusually so.

My point is- she's very forgiving but showing up is 80% and even if I cannot have that phone call today she will hear from me and know I'm serious about being in touch.

When I dated for 25 years on and off -many years with only landlines and later voicemail/email - we got back to each other in a timely way.  And once in awhile I'd hear from someone weeks later.  It wasn't always a dealbreaker but told me clearly -proceed with caution, he's not that into me. That's the message you gave this guy. IMO.

[Sindy_0311]

3 hours ago, H o p e said:

MissCanuck, I sincerely hope this ship hasn't sailed.

In general, why it took me so long? I was afraid of coming on too strong.
You see:
- I was the one who invited him to the project,
- I was lettim him know I like him on the venue,
- I called him the next day,
- I said I would go for a coffee,
- I wished him HB,
- I did suggest an actul time for a coffee.

Mentioning coffee on his birthday, I don't know, I haven't thought of it, I assumed he had plans already.
 

I totally agree with you not wanting to show to much interest in the beginning. I used to reach out to guys when I stated darting, never asked for dates but I texted to keep in touch which was a mistake. Once you send the first text, that he knows he has access to you and that you might be interested in dating, you just leave it to there. I am currently having 4 guys waiting to meet. I couldn’t do it for the last 3 weeks because I was with my son all the time. During this time, I didn’t reach out to them and they would text me every 2 or 3 days just to keep in touch and ask when I will be free. 

You gave him signs of interest, gave him access to you. If real interest was there, the ship would still be waiting for you and he would reach out. 

[Sindy_0311]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

When I dated for 25 years on and off -many years with only landlines and later voicemail/email - we got back to each other in a timely way.  And once in awhile I'd hear from someone weeks later.  It wasn't always a dealbreaker but told me clearly -proceed with caution, he's not that into me. That's the message you gave this guy. IMO.

I don’t think this applies to the OP. They already know each other, they met and I’m sure he felt that she was attracted to him… women we are usually very bad at hiding attraction. I don’t think she gave him the wrong message… if this is what you mean 

I think he is just a flirty guy, he might have been flattered by her attention but maybe he is busy with another women for the moment. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You gave him signs of interest, gave him access to you.

Not really, no. 

He said he would like to have coffee with her, and to let him know when she could. She waited more than 2 weeks before bothering to name a day. 

That is not showing signs of interest. Quite the opposite. Why should he jump at the chance when she finally decides to let him know she's free? That doesn't make sense. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Not really, no. 

He said he would like to have coffee with her, and to let him know when she could. She waited more than 2 weeks before bothering to name a day. 

That is not showing signs of interest. Quite the opposite. Why should he jump at the chance when she finally decides to let him know she's free? That doesn't make sense. 

I think this situation is not easy to juge because it also depends on the interaction they had in person. IMO

Two weeks is not a long time, when you work and are busy with life… I often wait two weeks before meeting someone… and there is no problem with it… she reached out, she said she would be free on a precise day, and he didn’t follow up. He also said he was quite busy, and hasn’t been able to set a time to meet. Right? 

[H o p e]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like this was a business opportunity and transaction for him and he was networking.

It doesn't seem like he was inappropriate or trying to date you. You seem to be applying dating terms and dynamics to a business transaction 

Perhaps stay in touch on LinkedIn as businesses connections. 

As far as dating, get a good profile and pics on quality (paid) relationship-focused apps and start talking to and meeting men. After a few messages set up a brief coffee or drink to assess in-person chemistry.

Try not to mix business with pleasure. You don't even know if this man is single or interested. He seems to only have been participating appropriately because you contacted him about this joint project.

Yeah, it could be yet another transaction for him. Maybe he was just being polite, he is versatile, he knows how to respond. Maybe it was only networking or something he would say to many, with nothing more to it. It is also true that he is a respected member of community and that he is used to getting admiration from lots of people, especially women.

As far as online dating apps go, thank you for the advice, including the one not to mix business and pleasure. I prefer meeting people in real life and perhaps this is why I was so excited. I get to meet a lot of people and I am not easily fascinated. He was an exception to the rule.

 

[H o p e]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No, I didn't mean asking him to have coffee on his birthday. I meant following up when you wished him happy birthday, by also saying you were available on X-date to meet. 

Right, but more than 2 weeks after he first suggested it, no?

 

You are right, I could have mentioned it that way, and yes, I was too slow, someone warned me days before: write to him! And I didn't. But I was really really streesed out because of work (not our mutual project, of course), was not sleeping very well and couldn't imagine the best version of myself, having a coffee that would probably be longer than an hour since we clicked and did show interest in each other in face to face interaction. I was also really afraid of coming on to strong, I know chasing guys gets them running, some might even say I chased him when suggesting a date, but it was his idea ... So I did it, as I said I would, altough a bit late. I hope he didn't take my text as an excuse. Oh, gosh.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, H o p e said:

As far as online dating apps go, thank you for the advice, including the one not to mix business and pleasure. I prefer meeting people in real life and perhaps this is why I was so excited

I did too. Meet those people in real life shortly after using a dating app just to make a first contact.  As one of of a variety of ways to meet people -since you're picky/selective expanding your options might help.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, H o p e said:

I know chasing guys gets them running, some might even say I chased him when suggesting a date, but it was his idea ... So I did it, as I said I would, altough a bit late. I hope he didn't take my text as an excuse. Oh, gosh.

Following up on meeting for coffee is not chasing.  You could have replied and said I have a lot on my plate this week -how about next? Perhaps as much as you like meeting people in real life putting in the effort to see them again is too much -it's easier to fantasize maybe about the "connection" and feeling "in love?"

[H o p e]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Aside of maybe scheduling a date right away when he asked to take you out for a coffee, you did fine. A lot could have happened in meantime, he could have lost interest over time, he could have found somebody else etc. In todays time sometimes you need to have a good timing as well. But aside of that, you did fine. Its on us to offer the other side a date, its on other side to say yes or no. His answer was that he just isnt interested or wasnt when you suggested it. That is OK, take it as it is and move on.

Thank you for your advice.
I also thought:
Perhaps he was insecure and took my pause as a sign of doubt. An therefore decided to exit.
Or perhaps he is in a relationship, so he suggested I choose the date - sort of, being passive, not setting up plans, not checking in after a few days as he could have. Altough, I kind of liked we did not text too much. I thought: great, another old school guy 🙂 that would rather sit and talk live.
 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, H o p e said:

Thank you for your advice.
I also thought:
Perhaps he was insecure and took my pause as a sign of doubt. An therefore decided to exit.
Or perhaps he is in a relationship, so he suggested I choose the date - sort of, being passive, not setting up plans, not checking in after a few days as he could have. Altough, I kind of liked we did not text too much. I thought: great, another old school guy 🙂 that would rather sit and talk live.
 

Old school guys advertise on dating sites so they can meet people in person.  Anyway I don't think he was insecure -he just figured you weren't sufficiently interested.  

[H o p e]

5 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Do I understand correctly? two weeks after the birthday text, you reached out again and proposed a day for the coffee? And he didn’t suggest an hour or time to meet. He could have said let’s meet after work, or I will be free at x pm on x day…

he didn’t jump on the opportunity when you reached out… 

Also, the first text he sent you, I think it was my mistake, otherwise he would have kept conversation going. 
 
but I agree with @Wiseman2 try to keep in touch on linked in. And react to his feeds sometimes just to stay in his sight a little bit… 

Correct,

2 weeks after sending him HB text, I reached out to let him know I would very much like to go for that coffee already, but am preoccupied with work, and I suggested we meet another week. Maybe he thought I was stringing him along, postoponing once again? But he knows I am interested, he just responded to my interest, that is how I felt us. In last text, he did not become cynical (he can be). He replied fast, in 10 minutes, saying that yes, he thinks he will be free on suggested day but will be sure couple of days prior. And I agreed okay, we will hear each ohter. Meaning: when you fix your schedule, let me know.

[H o p e]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Not really, no. 

He said he would like to have coffee with her, and to let him know when she could. She waited more than 2 weeks before bothering to name a day. 

That is not showing signs of interest. Quite the opposite. Why should he jump at the chance when she finally decides to let him know she's free? That doesn't make sense. 

But that would mean he let me linger because his ego was bruised when I didn't come running right away?

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, H o p e said:

But that would mean he let me linger because his ego was bruised when I didn't come running right away?

 

Oh goodness.  Assume he meets people all the time and might have asked several interesting and attractive women out for coffee.  You didn't respond promptly so he moved on to the next.

[H o p e]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Following up on meeting for coffee is not chasing.  You could have replied and said I have a lot on my plate this week -how about next? Perhaps as much as you like meeting people in real life putting in the effort to see them again is too much -it's easier to fantasize maybe about the "connection" and feeling "in love?"

No, I really want action. But I am devoted to what I do and it was just bad timing. If I was less cautious, I would have texted him what I felt: you know, I do have the desire for coffee already, so how about this weekend? The circumstances were bad, but I could have reacted sooner.