Trying to heal

[Astrogirl]

I do believe I am too passive and too forgiving. I just can’t be anything else but nice. Unfortunately, this has often worked against me. 

[Astrogirl]

The names he called me were vicious without any lead up to them. He’d simply call me in a bad mood and say bad things. I tried to remain calm as I felt he was trying to cause an argument just so he could use it as an excuse to call his ex. I must have frustrated him with my calmness. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Astrogirl said:

I do believe I am too passive and too forgiving. I just can’t be anything else but nice. Unfortunately, this has often worked against me. 

It's not nice to act in a passive way.  It's not nice to be too forgiving where you don't respect yourself.  It's self-absorbed /people pleasing so a big part of it is not about wanting to give to the other person but rather simply because you're too scared to say no.  Saying no -especialy without long apologies -is hard but empowering.

You can be a good person, a kind person and a thoughtful person but from a place of reasonable confidence and self respect.  You can check in with yourself each time someone asks you for a favor or wants to bend your ear again by venting and ask yourself what your motive is for doing something that is also inconvenient, and/or means you miss out on doing your own work, on sleep, on sitting down to a hot meal you just prepared and can't wait to eat.

I've had to practice boundaries and saying no several times recently with friends. It's hard!

One thing I do - consider this -I use external ways of preventing myself from saying yes.  I shut my phone down by 8:30pm even though I likely won't go to bed for about another hour.  I need down time.  Will I die without it? No.  But I see the benefits of it for my physical health (easier to fall asleep) and mental health.  Sometimes it means I end a chat earlier than the person wants to, say no to scheduling an evening catch up phone call, etc. Emergencies -fine. 

I'm saying you in your "can't help myself but be nice" would passively say to the person okkkk I can talk at 8:45 no problem and then at 9:45 when you've hung up and gotten ready for bed realize you can't fall asleep without that down time and you feel crappy the next day.  Do you tell yourself "it's fine to be really sleep deprived, I can't help myself but be nice and say yes to a phone call I didn't want to take."

Also people can tell when you're being passive and it's really uncomfortable -I don't want to have to tell another adult "are you sure  you don't mind driving 30 minutes out of your way to meet me?" I want to believe that that adult is totally fine with the inconvenience and is taking care of herself.  

Just think about it. Find external ways akin to shutting down a phone to keep yourself honest and being nice.... to you.

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Astrogirl said:

I do believe I am too passive and too forgiving. I just can’t be anything else but nice. Unfortunately, this has often worked against me. 

It's not about being nice. 

I am sure you are indeed a kind woman. But, the sort of passive behaviour your describe is often motivated by a fear of abandonment rather than kindness. If you are nice and pleasant and don't ever assert yourself or rock the boat, the other person won't leave - this is the sort of mindset I wonder if you struggle with. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Astrogirl said:

The names he called me were vicious without any lead up to them. He’d simply call me in a bad mood and say bad things. I tried to remain calm as I felt he was trying to cause an argument just so he could use it as an excuse to call his ex. I must have frustrated him with my calmness. 

What's frustrating is you didn't say to a person who leads with that "I am not comfortable continuing this conversation or being spoken to like that.  I am hanging up now. Goodbye."

[Astrogirl]

There have been a couple of times, during the ‘something felt off’ period that I did end the call but he sent me messages accusing me of not loving him before finally being nice and love-bombing me again. He always initiated contact every other time. He even begged. I felt bad that he did and forgave him. I’m just a kind person in general, but often not to myself. 

[Astrogirl]

He let me know how upset he was at being blocked on social media but what else could I do? He’d cheated on me and I didn’t want to read about his new happiness. At the same time as being annoyed he stated he loved me several times, of which I did not respond. Now I’m scared I’ll never hear from him again even though I can’t go back. His friends reckon he’ll be in touch. Even he admits he was always the one initiating contact (after he’d been mean to me). 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

There have been a couple of times, during the ‘something felt off’ period that I did end the call but he sent me messages accusing me of not loving him before finally being nice and love-bombing me again. He always initiated contact every other time. He even begged. I felt bad that he did and forgave him. I’m just a kind person in general, but often not to myself. 

Then your kindness doesn’t come from a good place and risks not being kind. I don’t like kindness from an insecure person. I often can tell. I feel uncomfortable when that happens. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

He let me know how upset he was at being blocked on social media but what else could I do? He’d cheated on me and I didn’t want to read about his new happiness. At the same time as being annoyed he stated he loved me several times, of which I did not respond. Now I’m scared I’ll never hear from him again even though I can’t go back. His friends reckon he’ll be in touch. Even he admits he was always the one initiating contact (after he’d been mean to me). 

Why would you want to hear from this person ever again ? So you can be “nice “ to him again ?

[Astrogirl]

It just hurts so much how I’ve been crossed. I can’t believe he could do this without explanation. Part of me just wants everything to be ok. I have no plans to unblock him though. I think I just going through a thousand emotions at once. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Astrogirl said:

It just hurts so much how I’ve been crossed. I can’t believe he could do this without explanation. Part of me just wants everything to be ok. I have no plans to unblock him though. I think I just going through a thousand emotions at once. 

I'm so sorry you're hurting and I hope you feel better.  I think hopefully you'll respect yourself more next time you meet someone with all these red flags and avoid getting involved.  

[Astrogirl]

Thank you. I hope so too. Knowing I did nothing wrong but feel like I’m being punished whilst he’s living it up sucks, but at the same time my conscience is clear knowing I did my best. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Astrogirl said:

Now I’m scared I’ll never hear from him again even though I can’t go back. His friends reckon he’ll be in touch.

Good grief, girl. 

Do you want him to come back? If so, I would encourage you to seek some good counselling. It is very concerning that you fear this tool is gone for good. 

1 hour ago, Astrogirl said:

I’m just a kind person in general, but often not to myself. 

Letting a crap person back into your life is not being kind, though. You are confusing kindness with having poor boundaries. 

[Astrogirl]

I don’t like myself for feeling weak. I wish I could be stronger. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Astrogirl said:

Thank you. I hope so too. Knowing I did nothing wrong but feel like I’m being punished whilst he’s living it up sucks, but at the same time my conscience is clear knowing I did my best. 

How is that he is living it up? Because he is dating someone?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Astrogirl said:

I don’t like myself for feeling weak. I wish I could be stronger. 

You don't have to wish! It's in your control! I gave you an example above as to how I increased my assertiveness with an annoying situation.  You also have the options of: practicing your reactions to avoid passivity, seeking therapy, reading books on the subject, doing activities to increase your self-respect and confidence -whether those are physical activities like hiking, dancing, yoga, working out, or volunteer work where you have to take a leadership position to help people and where being a doormat won't work. For example.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Astrogirl said:

 I’m scared I’ll never hear from him again even though I can’t go back. His friends reckon he’ll be in touch

You will see the light and heal better when you delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You don't need an abusive snake in your life and you know this.

Redirect your energy into taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Stay in touch with trusted friends and family. Go out and have fun resume favorite interests and activities.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

 

 

[Astrogirl]

Quote

 

He is already blocked. And yes I feel he’s enjoying life more than I am even though he caused the chaos.I don’t wish bad in him but I’m the one left picking up the pieces and climbing walls. I know I should be stronger. It’s just very raw for me at present. I’ve been stung bad. I do appreciate all the advice though. I am reading every word. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

He is already blocked. And yes I feel he’s enjoying life more than I am even though he caused the chaos.I don’t wish bad in him but I’m the one left picking up the pieces and climbing walls. I know I should be stronger. It’s just very raw for me at present. I’ve been stung bad. I do appreciate all the advice though. I am reading every word. 

You have no clue - all you know as an outsider is he is dating someone and doing social activities.  You know nothing of his internal struggles or whether he is "enjoying life" -it's a silly comparison.  It's ok to have raw emotions.  Your feelings are your feelings.What can you do today to increase the strength of your body- can you take a brisk walk? Would it help to set a timer for 15 minutes and sort of run around the house decluttering and then see what you accomplished?

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

He is already blocked.

Then how is he able to contact you?

3 hours ago, Astrogirl said:

He let me know how upset he was at being blocked on social media

You haven't blocked him if he was able to "let you know".

You can't break free from toxicity if you keep allowing it into your life. No, you do not have to "be nice" to someone who lied, cheated and called you vile names. That's being a doormat, not "being nice".

If you don't respect yourself how is anyone else supposed to?

[Astrogirl]

Yes. I’m slowly trying to organise things here to preoccupy my mind.

in answer to the question about blocking: barely a few.

 Seconds went by after I blocked him on social media when he text me going crazy that I had blocked him. He must have been watching or on my profile. So I just hadn’t blocked his phone number at the point he had text me. 

[MissCanuck]

How did you justify staying with this man after he called you names?

I am curious to hear what you told youself to excuse that behaviour from him. What was the reason you gave yourself? 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How did you justify staying with this man after he called you names?

I am curious to hear what you told youself to excuse that behaviour from him. What was the reason you gave yourself? 

I think I might be able to answer that.

"If I could just..." "If I only would"..."If I'm so cool and so accepting and don't rock the boat he'll see I'm the right one for him!!"

In other words, I valued him more than I valued me.  And that was a huge flaw in me.  He wasn't nice but it was worse that I allowed him to be horrible to me.  I had no sense of self worth and zero self esteem.

I got away from him and it's funny how my lost self esteem reappeared after he was completely gone from my life.

[boltnrun]

BTW, it's easy to be convinced he doesn't love you because you're just haven't been "good enough".  If you were "good enough" he would be sweet and loving.  After all, he sometimes IS sweet and loving, but you're just not doing this or that or you ARE doing this or that or you're not doing enough of this or that or you're not doing it good enough or often enough.  He expresses dissatisfaction and disappointment because, you know, he would love to love you the way you want but you're defective in some way.  How can he be expected to love you and be sweet when you're defective?  And he'll often point out someone else who IS all the things he needs you to be but you're just not there yet.

My ex kept me off balance constantly.  It was his way or ensuring I'd always be trying to do anything and everything to get him to love me.

The reason why I put up with it?  I believed him.  I didn't have enough self worth to realize a guy who put me through all that wasn't worth five minutes of my time, let alone four years.

The ONLY way out of this is to completely remove him from your life.  I blocked him, changed my number, unfriended his friends and family and even moved several hundred miles away.  It worked.  He has no control over me and I do not, for one second, wish he would contact me.  And I don't care if he's happy, sad, blissful or in pain.  He's completely out of my life.  I recommend you do the same.

[Astrogirl]

Wow! I love your advice. What you say really resonates. Thank you. I’m going to keep re-reading it.