24years old male and female.

[hereforawhile]

My boyfriend fights a lot with me whenever we are apart (we are in a live-in relationship and whenever we are together we are always very happy). It's always about small things like giving directions, or forgetting to tell him I'm going out. I make a lot of mistakes too I know but fighting almost everyday after work just leaves me a little more upset and frustrated everyday. He has trust issues and he had a hard childhood so i understand his point of view. But lately I feel like he just doesn't want me to have a life outside of this relationship. I also don't want to hurt him. What should I do?

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, hereforawhile said:

But lately I feel like he just doesn't want me to have a life outside of this relationship.

This is concerning. 

In which ways do you feel he just wants you home and with him?

[hereforawhile]

We are in the middle of doing our mba. We are interning in different places right now. We have 0 fights when we live together. Whenever we come back to our respective homes, i.e, whenever we are not living together anymore, he picks up fights a lot. We had a heated discussion for 4hours at night the last time I came back home because he thought i don't communicate enough with him. 

[MissCanuck]

I'm confused. Does this mean you are not living together right now, due to work commitments? 

47 minutes ago, hereforawhile said:

he picks up fights a lot.

Yes, I understood that, but what about exactly? He says you don't communicate enough, but what does that mean for him? That you don't call or text enough? Go out too much? Or...?

[hereforawhile]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm confused. Does this mean you are not living together right now, due to work commitments? 

Yes, I understood that, but what about exactly? He says you don't communicate enough, but what does that mean for him? That you don't call or text enough? Go out too much? Or...?

I don't inform him about the mundane things i do all day. For eg. I went shopping with my mother all day a while ago. I informed him about that. But he was still upset that i didn't text him while shopping with my mom. He expects me to text a lot more than i do. He wants constant updates.

[hereforawhile]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm confused. Does this mean you are not living together right now, due to work commitments? 

Yes. We are living together while pursuing mba. Now and then we go back to our respective homes. Now we are apart as we are doing our internships in different places.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, hereforawhile said:

. He expects me to text a lot more than i do. He wants constant updates.

Reconsider the relationship while you are home and free from him for a while. Discuss his controlling behavior with trusted friends and family. What do they think of him? 

Unfortunately what you are describing are red flag for controlling abusive relationships. Read up on the warning signs for that.

Try not to confuse possessiveness and keeping you on a tight leash with love.

Is he controlling, jealous and intimidating in other ways? You need to have much firmer boundaries and discontinue letting him treat you like a criminal with a monitoring device.

Unfortunately it sounds like you're in a prison, not a caring relationship.

[hereforawhile]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Reconsider the relationship while you are home and free from him for a while. Discuss his controlling behavior with trusted friends and family. What do they think of him? 

Unfortunately what you are describing are red flag for controlling abusive relationships. Read up on the warning signs for that.

Try not to confuse possessiveness and keeping you on a tight leash with love.

Is he controlling, jealous and intimidating in other ways? You need to have much firmer boundaries and discontinue letting him treat you like a criminal with a monitoring device.

Unfortunately it sounds like you're in a prison, not a caring relationship.

He doesn't seem like intimidating or controlling. He shares things out of love, and expects me to do the same. I'm just not used to it i believe. I'm very comfortable being with myself. I don't feel the urge to tell everything beforehand. A conversation at the end of the day works for me on most days. And i get exhausted from the constant bickering and fighting when we are apart. Is it really a red flag? 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, hereforawhile said:

He expects me to text a lot more than i do. He wants constant updates.

This is absolutely not okay. 

It is controlling and not out of love. Is that what he has tried to tell you? Because that's not true. It's a way of monitoring you. 

1 minute ago, hereforawhile said:

Is it really a red flag?

A huge one, yes. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, hereforawhile said:

 i get exhausted from the constant bickering and fighting when we are apart. Is it really a red flag? 

Please research "red flags for controlling and abusive relationships". Please be forthcoming with trusted friends and family about the phone-tethering and fighting.

Use this time apart to reflect and gain objectivity from trusted friends and family as well as information about the kind of behaviors you're seeing from him.

[hereforawhile]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

A huge one, yes

Thanks. I guess i really wanted to hear it from someone else to believe it. 

[hereforawhile]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Use this time apart to reflect and gain objectivity from trusted friends and family as well as information about the kind of behaviors you're seeing from him

Thanks. It's just that i recently had a huge fallout with my friend circle and there are no family members i can approach with this issue. It was nice to hear your perspective. 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, hereforawhile said:

I guess i really wanted to hear it from someone else to believe it. 

Believe it, girl. 

This behaviour is not okay. The fact that is leads to exhausting fights makes it even worse. None of that comes from a place of love. 

Has he exhibited other controlling traits in the past? 

[hereforawhile]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Has he exhibited other controlling traits in the past? 

Not really. Maybe that's why I didn't want to believe this line of thought. We are both very straightforward and stuff like cheating or disloyalty was never in the picture. I know him to be someone who says everything to a person's face bluntly if he has a problem with it.. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, hereforawhile said:

I don't inform him about the mundane things i do all day. For eg. I went shopping with my mother all day a while ago. I informed him about that. But he was still upset that i didn't text him while shopping with my mom. He expects me to text a lot more than i do. He wants constant updates.

He sounds very controlling.  Imagine a world without cell phones -would he expect you to find a payphone while shopping with your mom to check in with him?

That's not "communication" -that's his demands to know your whereabouts -he doesn't care what you're doing as long as he knows where you are at all times. 

I mean he sounds like a controlling jerk but I'd give him one more chance -use I statements.  "I feel suffocated and overwhelmed by your expectation that I check in with you.  I would feel comfortable being in touch once a day [at night] or if we're supposed to meet or make plans then in touch about the details." 

Make your boundaries clear using I statements. You also can tell him that if there's an unusual situation -like you're driving in bad weather, or late at night you're happy to text him to let him know you got somewhere safely.

 

[Batya33]

Really? At work too? He says something bluntly to a person's face? With no regard for timing/context/ tact/what's appropriate? That doesn't seem like a thoughtful way to behave in general.  That's not about honesty that's about him blurting out any problem he has without discretion/considering the circumstances.  

[spinstermanquee]

2 hours ago, hereforawhile said:

I don't feel the urge to tell everything beforehand... i get exhausted from the constant bickering and fighting when we are apart. Is it really a red flag?

hereforawhile, don't know all the details but if you are exhausted by justifying taking such minimal space for yourself like shopping with your mother you may be partnered with a jealous maniac.  I had one such relationship where I could not even go grocery shopping without the guy suspecting stuff.

When it started out, it just seemed like normal "guy so into me wants to be with me all the time," then it morphed into "guy all up in my business all the time," until I just wanted to be freakin' ALONE.  He was slowly choking the freedom out of me and my life, stealing my agency.  It was so insidious, it crept up so slowly, by the time I realized he was monitoring me electronically 24/7 it was two years in.

I hope, *if* this is the kind of thing you are dealing with, that you will take back your space and life and not waste any more time with a control freak.  You sound like a strong and independent woman who does not need a partner who wants to keep his woman under his thumb at all times.

The man I wound up with is the one who trusts me implicitly, never questions me or complains if I go off with friends or family on shopping trips (or international trips for that matter), and doesn't expect a daily update on what I was doing where and with whom.

Good luck and lots of hugs, my dear.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, hereforawhile said:

cheating or disloyalty was never in the picture.

They don't have to be for a relationship to still have serious issues. Attempting to control one's partner is one of those serious issues. 

3 hours ago, hereforawhile said:

I know him to be someone who says everything to a person's face bluntly if he has a problem with it.. 

What does this have to do with being controlling? 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, hereforawhile said:

He doesn't seem like intimidating or controlling. He shares things out of love, and expects me to do the same.

Well, he IS being controlling.  If you aren't doing what he wants you to do (sharing every detail of your day) and he is going to fight with you for FOUR HOURS over it, that's controlling.

You're playing your part.  Why are you engaging in fighting for FOUR HOURS about this crap? 

Get your boundaries in order and stand by them.  Share what you choose to share.  Do not engage in the fighting.  You will never be capable of "sharing" enough for him, since he actually just can't stand to have you out of his sight, so don't try to appease him or assuage his craziness.  

Unfortunately it won't work out unless you are willing to live your life joined at the hip, have zero independence, and enjoy spending all the time you are not next to the guy fighting with him.

 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others,  he's very controlling and scary.  Daily fighting is toxic,  abnormal and dysfunctional. 

He needs to sort out his own problems first before having a relationship with you or anyone. 

He smothers you to the point of suffocating. 

He's hurting you in the process.  You need to save yourself.   You need to dump him.  He's mentally unhealthy for you and very draining.  ☹️

[catfeeder]

I get that you don't want to hurt him, but he's already doing that to himself, and he's taking you down with him.

Fighting over the amount of control he wants but you won't comply with is, unfortunately, not going to get better, it will only get worse.

This is likely to escalate, and I'm really sorry. This man isn't safe to have in your life.

[1a1a]

If it turns out that this is insecurity and not maliciousness, would you be the sort of person who enjoys and prefers a phone call at the end of the day? 
 

I’m a texter like your partner and I feel sad when my significant other doesn’t really reciprocate that (and he was really trying, he just isn’t a texter at all). After a while it was him that suggested a daily phone call and once we started doing that my feeling of security and connection was very much improved. 

 

(Your partner’s openess and willingness to try something else or lack of it will be valuable information too). 
 

As for the 4 hour fights. No more. It takes two to fight. Say once you disagree with his view and you love him and you’re not willing to keep hashing this out right now (offer to come back to it when calm, only if you feel like it). 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I’m a texter like your partner and I feel sad when my significant other doesn’t really reciprocate that (and he was really trying, he just isn’t a texter at all). After a while it was him that suggested a daily phone call and once we started doing that my feeling of security and connection was very much improved.

I think it depends on whether the OP is comfortable with the role of reassuring her partner with a phone call or text so he feels secure as opposed to the purpose of the daily phone call being about sharing your day, stories, catching up, and potentially discussing any serious issues that came up with the 2 of you or otherwise. 

I do need to feel secure when it comes to my partner's or son's safety and wellbeing but I even tread lightly there.  I do want to hear that he made it to the plane, but often I check flight status to make sure it landed rather than text him to check in so I'm not in his face.  I'm a big fan of showing my husband (and son) that I respect their space, that I'm reasonably independent and can't wait to reconnect and share about our days. I felt connected to him when we didn't talk too -and loved sort of saving up stuff to tell him when we talked -he travels a lot. 

We were long distance for a lot of our dating and we enjoyed our nightly phone calls -didn't feel like an obligation.  I had no cell phone -and then was a flip phone -until I was in my third trimester which was 3.5 years after we got back together.  We did use email during the day but mostly not for any need to check in -a desire to check in from a fun/loving place.  Again some couples thrive on being in constant touch including for reassurance.  Just sharing what worked for us.

I do think for me anyway sometimes it's fine to give reassurance to your partner in the form of a check in text or phone call -as a steady diet I'd dread a nightly phone call if it was focused on reassuring my partner that I still loved him/wanted to be with him/that all was well with "us" and other people would thrive on that.  I don't think this boyfriend of the OP will be willing to dial back his neediness and controlling nature if he's that upset she didn't text while shopping with her mother -she can try -can't hurt.