Breakup...?

[Bigfeet23]

So bit of a long story but so confused and need a bit of advice / thoughts on situation.

6months ago partner of 10 years decided they were no longer in love with me.

We have twins aged 9 and he has a daughter from previous relationship now age 14.

We own a few different properties so the twins and myself have moved into one of the other houses but it's only 10min away.

I moved over 200miles to be with this man, and now I feel like I don't belong, no family near by, home doesn't feel like home but don't want to move back to where my family is and make more upset for the children.

What hurts the most is the not wanting to try to fix relationship we never really argued or hated on each other just odd niggles now and then.

This is also the worst timing ever for me as I have a family member ill and feel so bad not being near by them.

The partner since the announcement of not wanting to be with me has been diagnosed with trauma which has came from a few situations in his pre teen life. He has been seeing a therapist and has someone he trusts to talk to etc.

I'm still his biggest cheerleader and he's an amazing dad.

I just don't know if I should just continue to give him space And support from afar and let him know I'm hear if he needs or if I should try and move on. 

 

[Coily]

My first instinct is to continue to give him space, but not completely remove yourself from being in the area. Depending on his therapy he may come around, though I am not optimistic.

The Big thing is he needs to know that the twins still need him in their life. As he is an amazing dad he needs to feel connected to them while he is processing his trauma in therapy.

Now that said, don't hang around hoping that somehow he will change his mind. You need to set yourself a deadline. Maybe a year, give or take, since he announced wanting to end the relationship. Start planning on what to do next, start the shift in your life and looking at how to co-parent with him. Figure out these details, give things a trial and error before just pulling the plug.

I am really sorry for you all in this, it's going to take a lot out of you all. But since things are amicable right now, you have the opportunity to ease out of this entanglement.

[spinstermanquee]

27 minutes ago, Bigfeet23 said:

He has been seeing a therapist and has someone he trusts to talk to etc

Is that someone he trusts possibly another romance?  Seems kind of sudden with no major issues cropping up over the years...  In any case sorry this is happening.  Your children are at a tender age and will need you to show a strong front for them.  Hopefully you can get a support system in place for yourself to keep that strength going.  Sorry family is so far away - do you have girlfriends, a good therapist, outside interests with the children, exercise and fresh air, etc?  ((((hugs))))

[Bigfeet23]

5 minutes ago, Coily said:

My first instinct is to continue to give him space, but not completely remove yourself from being in the area. Depending on his therapy he may come around, though I am not optimistic.

The Big thing is he needs to know that the twins still need him in their life. As he is an amazing dad he needs to feel connected to them while he is processing his trauma in therapy.

Now that said, don't hang around hoping that somehow he will change his mind. You need to set yourself a deadline. Maybe a year, give or take, since he announced wanting to end the relationship. Start planning on what to do next, start the shift in your life and looking at how to co-parent with him. Figure out these details, give things a trial and error before just pulling the plug.

I am really sorry for you all in this, it's going to take a lot out of you all. But since things are amicable right now, you have the opportunity to ease out of this entanglement.

Your reply was kind, like you say we are still on good terms and hopefully we can work out the best way going forward. I've honestly never felt such heartbreak, but being on good terms helps in someway.

[Bigfeet23]

3 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Is that someone he trusts possibly another romance?  Seems kind of sudden with no major issues cropping up over the years...  In any case sorry this is happening.  Your children are at a tender age and will need you to show a strong front for them.  Hopefully you can get a support system in place for yourself to keep that strength going.  Sorry family is so far away - do you have girlfriends, a good therapist, outside interests with the children, exercise and fresh air, etc?  ((((hugs))))

I did ask that question not so much about the trusted someone as that came along from links with the therapy. He swears there's no one else and we have always been very honest with each other so I'm hoping there's not as I think the good terms we are in right now would definitely change. More so due to the lie if there was someone else.

 

Myself and the kids have hobbies etc so have groups of friends around that but still feel very isolated we've barely told anyone of the situation. That's the next step I feel to tell someone to have those conversations 

[spinstermanquee]

1 minute ago, Bigfeet23 said:

we've barely told anyone of the situation. That's the next step I feel to tell someone to have those conversations 

Sounds like you're handling it organically as things unfurl... you will know when the time is right mamma keep following your instincts 🙂

[Cherylyn]

Move on and co-parent in a very mature way.  Become emotionally detached.  Be all business in a well mannered,  respectful way without feeling close to him. 

I would remain in the area for the sake of the kids so both of you can co-parent and visit your loved one to support them due to illness.  However, let them know you need to remain realistic for the sake of the children, the geography and their father for co-parenting purposes. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Bigfeet23 said:

 I should just continue to give him space  or if I should try and move on.

Sorry this happened. It's good you moved out. It's great to be supportive as far as coparenting, however as far as being a single woman again, you need to set yourself free and live your own life again.

By dissolving the relationship he lost the rights to your support, he'll have to rally up support from friends family and professionals.

[Lambert]

19 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Move on and co-parent in a very mature way.  Become emotionally detached.  Be all business in a well mannered,  respectful way without feeling close to him. 

I would remain in the area for the sake of the kids so both of you can co-parent and visit your loved one to support them due to illness.  However, let them know you need to remain realistic for the sake of the children, the geography and their father for co-parenting purposes. 

I agree with this. 

Maybe you can also talk to a therapist or have couples therapy to help you both navigate separating in a way that is most supportive of the children. 

It's understandable to want to support him but honestly, you have to turn away from him and support yourself.  It's not cool for him to announce he feels he isn't in love and he has past trauma etc and then you just continue to do what's best for him.  

He's making this choice and so now you have to shift yourself away from him... to you and the kids. 

Don't be a doormat. Don't wait around on him. He may never be right again.  Accept this or work towards acceptance.

I'm sorry this happened but you can and will get through this and on with your life.  Love yourself.