I am OVERLY paranoid over things I should NOT be.

[xmrth]

Please, anyone.. please... help me. This is ruining my life, and my sanity.

I don't know why I can't just get my mind to STOP thinking, and STOP believing that all kinds of negative and bad things are going to happen in my relationship. This also bleeds a little bit into things outside of my relationship (such as I believe that when people talk amongst themselves, they are speaking negatively about me. When they probably aren't)

 

I am going to describe where I believe my rediculous paranoia comes from. I think it's very important. I am hoping that someone can tell me how I can get better, and possibly tell me why I shouldn't worry.

 

What I am most paranoid over is my boyfriend hanging with girls. I should NOT worry about this. I have no male friends, and he has NOO female friends. He wouldn't and doesn't want me hanging with a dude, and I definitely don't want him hanging with a girl. We're both very happy about this, and have no worries. Neither of us would EVER argue about wanting to have a friend of the opposite gender. (but read on because I used to want guy friends back in the day)

 

And yet, I still feel paranoid. I was always a little paranoid to begin with, but could easily stop and think of something else. I hate to say it, but things started to get out of hand with my paranoia when I started coming to this site. (don't anyone leave or think too much because I'm saying this. I don't want the place to lose any members because of me.)

 

I used to tell my boyfriend when he'd go out and hang with his buddies "Have a good time!" and "Have fun!" until I read a post by a girl who said "I used to always tell my boyfriend to have a good time when he was out... and then now he has cheated on me."

I dwell on that... all the time. What if it happened to me?

 

I began to get very paranoid, and then read more posts... things like people breaking up who have been going out for as long as us I always think it could happen to us..

Then I read things like if you're too overly protective, it could LEAD the boyfriend to cheat. And that gets me MORE paranoid, and I dwell and think it could happen to us.

 

Then I get nightmares, and nightmares seem so real.. I can definitely place together where they come from (from a post I read, or even from a television show) so I know it's not piecing together from our relationship, which is good.

 

I then think and think and think and dwell on the PAST. Things were different when we first started going out. For both of us.

I was 14, and he was 15. Coming into eachothers lives for the first time.. he went out alot and partied (which I'm glad he did THEN, because NOW he has settled down and is more mature about it of course)

He used to hang with his friends and also girls. He used to always call me up when he was out there.

One time (and I asked him about this the other day and he says he has NO idea what I'm talking about. Which leads me to the conclusion that he made it up? Possibly.)

But there was this rather... s-word girl who tried to give herself left and right. He said she sat on his lap and he pushed her off. Not a bad thing he did that. But I think about what it must have looked like.. some girl getting close to him.

 

Then 3 years ago, he had just turned 18, I used his cellphone, and swear I wasn't snooping, and I swear I just didn't know how to use a cell so I looked up my number (I think about this now as I have had a cellphone for about 2 years as of today and think of how dumb I was back then) But he had all kinds of girls numbers on there (about 4). Including the s-wordy girl. I confronted him, he was genuinely concerned about what would happen and sorry. Prior to this (at the time, I was young and wanted guy friends. I wanted them because they were easier to be friends with for me.. so I told him he could have female friends.) he said "You told me I could have female friends!" and then said "I was drunk and they took my phone and put it in there!" so I don't know which it is, and I can't remember which he admited was true. He does not lie.. so I don't know what that was about. It was either of them. I doubt he asked them for it. It's not like him...

 

Then about 2 1/2 years ago we broke up for quite some time (I was very needy over everything... I think I broke up with him because I was aggravated over everything and wanted things to change) for about 7 months. We still always saw eachother, but just tried to get out of it.

He went to a Halloween party at this point and some girl tried to get with him. She seemed desperate (he told me all of this, and it's true. He would not lie. -but oh, would he?- I hope you wont say that) she tried to get with him as she found out he was single. He told me she wasn't bad looking.. he could have gotten with her but didn't. He told her he really did have a girlfriend (me) and stayed away from her. Even though we were broken up and our relationship probably seemed helpless from his point of view.

Basically I think of that and feel he obviousely cared for our relationship if he told some girl he could have had he was still with me when he wasn't.

 

I also did some things I shouldn't. I was worse than him. I think of it and tell myself and say "It's okay.. I was young.. I didn't know then even 1/4 of what I know now." I used to always have guys call me, I wanted guy friends, it really wasn't okay. (I have female friends now and don't even want another guy friend. I'm happy about this and we're both happy)

 

So now, present day. 2 years out of Highschool. We're both very different people, and have both grown up (ESPECIALLY me. Especially...)

I am paranoid because of our past... I think about the girls, even though he was faithful and honest. I am paranoid of girls being around him now. He hangs out with the guys.. goes to bars once in a blue moon (maybe 2-3 times ever) and also called me when he got in in the early morning hours! It was cute/funny.

I've seen pictures of him at the bar. Just him and the guys, smiling having a good time. I've seen pictures on his phone of him and the guys just hanging out. He tells me "there's not girls there, if there were I'd tell you."

His friends call him occaisionally. He tells them clear as day "Oh I can't tonight, I'm out with my girlfriend." and they call him a couple times within the past 2 months when he's with me, so regardless of weather or not he talks about me, they know he's got a girl.

 

I suppose that I'm so jealous and paranoid of there being a girl there (in which supposedly there never is) that because he never is around girls, it would bother me 10 times more if he really was since I'm not used to it.

I get paranoid that he'll make a new friend who will invite him out and there will be girls there. I get paranoid of what THEY will do and what THEY will influence on him.

He's not the most polite of guys to girls (from what I've seen over the years.) he's not any nicer to them than he is to any of his friends. Very casual and "un-interested" in that way.

I aggravated him so much on the subject of there being girls that he said, for the first time in all the years we've been together "I'M OBVIOUSELY NOT LOOKING FOR ANYONE ELSE! I'VE GOT ALL I WANT WITH YOU!"

 

I just think about it and think about it and dwell and I can imagine bad things happening, to the point where I can hear his voice in these nightmareish daydreams of mine.

 

He doesn't invite me out with the guys. He says "I'm not taking you out with all dudes!" he's not controlling, he doesn't even care if I'm out with a girlfriend and a guy is there... so why can't I be that way for him?

He says if I were to go out with him and the guys that he wouldn't be able to "be himself." He said in a happier tone "because I like to be loud and obnoxious and if you're there I just can't be." I asked him to take me along if there were to ever be girls around.. he said he would.

He used to take me out with his friends back when we FIRST started dating. He said that things are just different now. I asked him "is it because you are with the guys, and it's not really something for a girl to be around?" and he said yes that was basically why.

Before they just hung around and whatnot.. I guess now since they're all older they're just different and more mature.. or something. Guys need to explain this to me more.

 

Even though I trust him, I am afraid of what the girls might do. I'm not afraid of him ever initiating even a conversation with one because I know he just wouldn't.. that's jut how he is. I read posts here, and you all know what a variety we get. And I always think that each and every one of those things will happen to us. I think even if I left the forum I'd be paranoid until I found an answer.

 

I am currently to be receiving a book called "Women Who Think Too Much." I hope this will help on top of any comments I get.

 

Our relationship aside from this: He comes to see me alot even though he's tired and stressed from work and school.

We are growing closer and closer together, still a spark is there, and it's grown, still so happy. Nothing at all has dwindled.

I'm just so paranoid.

 

Do I need to see a therapist for this? I know if I were married people might be quicker to say yes, but I think of this as a marriage, and I want to treat it just as seriousely.

 

Can this be a "sticky" too, please? I want to get as many responses as I can. I'm afraid that its length (or content) will drive readers of my post away...

 

```Martha

[RandomAdvisor]

We're both very different people, and have both grown up (ESPECIALLY me. Especially...)

I am paranoid because of our past...

 

You say you've grown up and matured a lot, and then go on to contradict yourself with the very next sentence.

 

 

Do I need to see a therapist for this?

 

Yes. I was thinking this before I got halfway done reading your post. Your issue isn't with your boyfriend so much as it is with yourself. You are obviously a very insecure person. If you were secure and confident with yourself, you wouldn't be so paranoid about your boyfriend being with other girls. You also mentioned that when people are speaking near you, you're afraid they're talking negatively about you. That is a symptom of a mental disorder, the name of which presently escapes me.

 

As far as your boyfriend going out with the guys and not wanting you along, I think it's perfectly normal. Guys don't want their girlfriends along when they're having boys night out. Your boyfriend has given you every reason to trust him but you can't. I'd highly suggest some personal therapy.

[Jetta]

Okay I really didn't read most of your post, but you do need to see a therapist. You likely have anxiety disorder and if it's affecting your life you should seek treatment.

[SimoneTiger]

Read Foa & Wilson's "Stop Obsessing!"--your local bookstore should have it. It was recommended to me by my therapist a while ago (I am an extreme perfectionist).

 

It sounds to me that at this point it might be better for you not to have a boyfriend (and all the worries that come hand in hand with him), but take some time to sort out your problems instead--you know you need to, so what are you doing about it?

 

Good luck...

[brando]

obsessive thinking is a killer, worrying is an enrgy zapper.

 

Therapy will help unlock the root cause to your anxiety. I would stay away from medication though.

 

Try this make a list of everything you are worrying about, and save it, after a week take that list out and see what worries actually did develop.

Do this everyweek, and after a month or so keep referring back to that list, you may find it shocking that you will have no check marks next to all of the wories. and if their should be one, look at all the others and realize they all didint come true.

[smorgie]

About three quarters of the way down my eyes started to blur.

 

You are over thinking this WAY too much.

 

First off...why do you assume people are talking about you? Is it because you talk about others alot behind their back? Maybe you think thats what people do, because you do that to others and its only natural to think the same is being done to you? Just a thought

 

Relationships are about trust. First and foremost I would think that any man who is constantly questioned about cheating, is eventually GOING TO CHEAT...he might as well since you already think he is! (even when he's not)

 

As for telling him "have a good time" or "have fun" doesn't make one cheat... Any story you've heard about ANY couple breaking up...it definatly has more to do with other issues (maybe paranoia!!!!) than purely wishing someone a good time out with their friends.

 

In the end people will cheat because they are not happy with the relationship they are in now. It all comes down to the other person. You need to trust in them to do the right thing.

 

No matter how hard you try you can't control someone. You need to give over your trust. Thats what a relationship is! Sometimes people will break that trust....but you have to give them the benifit of the doubt that they wont! And if he truly loves you he won't! You're giving someone your heart, and they are holding it. Worrying about if he's talking to other girls is a sign of immaturity. You can't watch someone 24/7. No wonder he never wants to take you out. How would you feel if someone was scrutinzing your every movement???

 

You say he doesn't even remember stuff you bring up from years ago...its probably because it wasn't significant at all to him, yet you hold on to it forever. At this point maybe he's lying to you cause he sees what a big deal you make everything and is just saying whatever to keep you quiet. As time goes on, there's gonna be times where he'll have to work closely with other women. And your just gonna have to deal with it.

 

If you don't trust him, then why are you with him? If you do trust him, then relax!

[lifeiscash]

Actually it sounds to me that you might have (OCD) Obsessive compulsive disorder. You can be obsessive over small things such as always having to have things in order, or doing things at a certain time, or it could something such as obsessing over your boyfriend or certain issues such as yours. You might want to talk with a therapist and check with that.

 

Or often times that might not even be the case. I was like that with one of my ex-girlfriends. I obsessed over her ALL the time and I couldn't keep from thinking some NEGATIVE was going to affect our relationship. I always had thoughts, and I mean ALWAYS, that she could be cheating on me, that she was with me for only her benefit (security), that she would just suddenly break up with me. All my energy would be gone because I only focused on her and my anxiety. I got to a state of mind where my self-esteem was REALLY low about myself and I hated thinking and WORRYING about her, but thats all I could do. When things did go wrong in the relationship that was negative, I would Obsess over it for days and sometimes had hard time sleeping.

 

Basically I wasn't able to accept that fact that I would be okay if I didn't have her. I put a false belief in my mind that my whole WORLD would come crashing down if I didn't have her in my life. Once we broke up I read a few articles, I wish i could remember which, but it talked about once you find yourself and understand that you can not control a person if they break up with you or not and that if you actually ACCEPT the fact that your partner could leave and you also realize that you really dont NEED your partner in your life, then maybe your relationship could be saved.

 

Because honestly, you dont NEED your partner there. You will carry on with life, even with alot of hurt but you will heal in time and things, but you will still be you and you will eventually move on. Maybe if you accept your fear and realize that even without him you will be just fine, then hopefully that will but a hamper on things.

[brando]

lifeiscash,

 

great words... excellent post. Very true, we build these people up in our heads and when they leave we believe we will simply die without them.

 

 

I believe life is about perspective. Just maintaining a healthy view is tricky sometimes.

[xmrth]

Thank you for all the responses.

I don't think it's that I don't need a boyfriend right now. We're doing wonderfully and I don't see why I should break up with him just because I'm having issues with paranoia. (but see, if we're doing wonderfully then what is the problem? I can speak to myself with some logic, but I CANNOT believe myself!!!!) I'm even paranoid to write this because I think it will cause something bad to happen.

 

My paranoia isn't just from the relationship, and I wish I included this with my original post. But I am also paranoid of these things:

-Having a loved one have to to something for me as a favor because I think something bad will happen and it will be my fault.

-Going out anywhere usually. I don't stay in all together usually, but I'll go out when I know few people will be around. That is because I feel like a person who is going back in time and if anyone sees me it could have a negative affect. Such as someone seeing me and they think negaatively of me, and it will somehow make its way to my boyfriend and make him dislike me for whatever reason.

 

I don't say anything bad about anyone but I am always thinking they're saying something bad about me. I don't exactly care but I do.. I don't want to impress them but I don't want them to say negative things. I wish I could pick who knows and who sees me.

 

What could a therapist do? Could they actually make me feel any better? I want to go to one but I keep having doubts that there's anything they can do to help, and I DON'T want to be on medication.

 

I also had alot of problems with anxiety that after I read a book called "From Panic to Power" I was better.. but I feel that maybe this is anxiety in a different form.

[lifeiscash]

Yes therapy is expensive for a reason , it would be of great help if you actually do have OCD. To me, it seems that you probably do. If you are really concerened then I would suggest that you actually call a clinic that treats these kinds of disorders and ask what type of treatments they offer.

 

Also if you do think you have OCD, I was reading an old post and a guy was saying that you can use these obsessive thoughts to your own advantage. So in my case instead of me obsessing over my girlfriend leaving me, I could obsess over why I need to leave my girlfriend. If you put your mind in a different perspective, like Brando says, then you can obsess over the things that really matter.

 

You can change it up and use that to your own personal advantage by obsessing over other scenarios. I hope that makes sense.

 

-BRANDO-

And I agree, its all about perspective, most people dont realize that that a perspective can be changed. And I agree it is very hard to have a healthy view.. sometimes it takes alot more work/thought.

[xmrth]

I actually don't even know how expensive it is.. I don't think I will pass up seeing a therapist to finally take my life back. How much is it? By the hour or by the session? How long could it take....? I will stay however long it will take. I want to feel better.

[RandomAdvisor]

Do you attend college? Many schools offer free therapy for students.

[lifeiscash]

Xmrth,

 

Visit this link and it will give you plenty of information about OCD

 

link removed

 

Also you can take a test on that site to see if you do have OCD tendencies, but I will give you a link for that also.

 

link removed

[xmrth]

I do... but I would have to wait 3 more months until the semester starts. I suppose I could see one over the summer and go to the one at my college when I'm there. Unless I could now, but I don't know about that. I'd have to find out. I never thought to when I was in this past semester because I didn't think I had a problem.

 

Thank you for those links, lifeiscash. I'm checking them out right now.

 

-edit-

I got these results:

You scored 12 out of 20 in Part A.

(0 indicates no OCD tendencies, while 20 indicates maximum OCD tendencies.)

You scored 17 out of 20 in Part B.

(0 indicates no OCD tendencies, while 20 indicates maximum OCD tendencies.)

[lifeiscash]

No problem, but remember not always is OCD just about doing things over and over. One of my good friend's cousin, she had OCD over her boyfriend and it affected their realtionship greatly. It's more of a repeated uncontrolable thought process to ideas, things, or situations.

 

This was off that website:

In OCD, it is as though the brain gets stuck on a particular thought or urge and just can't let go. People with OCD often say the symptoms feel like a case of mental hiccups that won't go away. OCD is a medical brain disorder that causes problems in information processing. It is not your fault or the result of a "weak" or unstable personality.

[lifeiscash]

Well, you very well might not have it, if not re-read my advice for what I did to get over my obsessional thoughts.. I hope it works.

[xmrth]

I don't feel it's absolutely severe, but it does effect my everyday life. I think I just need a therapist to talk to and need to read a few books on it. I now have 2 requested online to arrive at my local library, the one someone suggested here "Stop Obsessing" and the other one "Women who think too much" I had GREAT results with the last self-help book, "From Panic To Power." I would always obsess over the thought I was sick or dying since I was maybe 8 until I was 18, and I have been 98% better. Sometimes I think I'm really sick, but I think it's more on a normal level now than it was.

I'm thinking over in my head right now to "just stop it." Just stop feeling certain ways and things such as that.

It's not that easy because I say that to myself all of the time. I just can't believe myself.... I can only believe other people, and I don't know why.

[lifeiscash]

I'm actually thinking about reading "Power for Panic". I'm actually at my university library and they have the book by John Parrino... "The positive use of strees" - same one... what did you think about it and how did it improve you?

[brando]

"Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" another good book related to this topic.

[xmrth]

I think that what was most helpful was the fact that the author Lucinda Bassett explained what it was that I was feeling, and explained why, and also explained different problems people have and what they could do.

Basically saying "if --whatever it is-- has never happened before, it's NOT going to."

I used to think I'd throw up in front of everyone back when I was in HS because I always felt sick. I always thought "this time I'm REALLY sick" every single solitary day I was out somewhere.. constantly having to make sure there was a way out of any situation, always sitting near doorways so I could escape. I remember when my HS had a mock-lockdown just to run everyone through the proceedure.. they had everyone stay in the classrooms and I just panicked because if I had to leave I couldn't.

She explained this in there, and I was amazed that other people actually felt that way.. and I just sort of snapped out of it.

The only times I get nervous now about being sick is if I feel weird (I recently had vertigo and thought I was "dying" -real sick from something horrible- because I'd never experienced being so dizzy before) and also sometimes I get heart palpitations when I'm trying to sleep and I get carried away thinking about it too much and end up staying up because of it.. but other than that, the book worked like magic.

[lifeiscash]

Well you certainly do have anxiety, have you ever got that checked out?

[xmrth]

yeah, I have over the years. It was suggested I take medication but ever since that book it's not as bad. It's tolerable, but I think in a sense it bleeds into my paranoia as I get anxious because of the paranoia.

[lifeiscash]

I'm reading this book currently and its real good. Self-Consciousness and Social Anxiety by Arnold H. Buss. It's written more as like a textbook form but its a book of only 200 or so pages (not a textbook).

 

I knew something was never quite right with me, I never knew enough about anxiety to know if I ever had it. By reading information about it, it seems that I do.

 

For example, the other day one of my good friends came over, and she was coming onto me and I backed away and I started shaking and my thought were irratic. I then looked up info on anxiety and basically I was having a panic attack.

 

What are ways I can deal with it without medication. Do I need to change my philosophy in thinking or is there other ways? I don't know to much about it.

[xmrth]

I might even try reading that book, too.

I get anxious when I'm out but it's only because I'm paranoid. Sometimes I get paranoid someone will see me and think I'm doing something wrong and my boyfriend will hear this lie. Or that someone else who looks like me is out and doing something bad and my boyfriend would find out.

Things like that bother me about social situations, even while one doesn't involve me... I don't know, does that book cover things like that?

 

One thing I think I've improved on is not calling my boyfriend so much. I didn't call him at all yesterday, and didn't feel I needed to call him today. Usually I feel an urge to "check up on him" but I NEVER reveal that is what I'm actually doing. I think it's good for me to just let it go and it's working as I started reading one of the books about overthinking I've mentioned.