Should I stay or go?

[boltnrun]

Look into the "sunk cost fallacy". Also, Dr Phil said (paraphrasing), "the only thing worse than staying in a bad relationship for two years is staying it for two years and one day".

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Wanted to add at the end "This doesnt describe Batya and she shouldnt project herself onto it". Because you frequently do that without any reason why. But thought it was very obvious about what kind of "party life woman" I talked about. Cases that do indeed lead party life and then remember that they want a family at like 45. For example in my town they usually do it way before. Then have a baby, get divorce and then continue party life. In big cities like capital its indeed 40+ women. 

No I was referring to your generalization.  I disagree with the generalization.  Therefore I wrote that I knew of many people-not just me- who didn't fit the generalization.  Had you not generalized and simply talked about her individually and commented that it's easier to date/party a lot in a big city sure. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Spillevinken said:

She also do care about children.

But that's not enough.  I care about dogs and their welfare and would not adopt a dog because I know I don't have the lifestyle where I'd be able to act in the best interest of a dog and while I care I am not a dog person.  I love my son to the moon and back and care about children in general but if you asked me to adopt or foster another teenager right now I'd say no -I'd care about the teenager but also know I'm the wrong person to take on another teenager in my home as his parent. 

A person who  doesn't want to be close to you, who think is actually phobic about including you in her social life, who wants her freedom -is a person who is not likely to act in the best interests of a child especially in a co-parenting situation.  

[Spillevinken]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You're not stupid. You're just allowing fear to dictate your life. And I can assure you, that never turns out well.

If you can overcome your fear you could actually find a good relationship with a nice, decent woman. 

I agree about fear. And yes, I just want to have a calm family life with an ordinary woman. I actually do not belive that she will change. This is her, as she has said with her own words. She wants to remain and expand her own world and I can not even take a little bit part of it. That is not fair.

[Spillevinken]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Even though you discussed feelings and thoughts about drinking and opposite sex friends, it seems like she wants an open relationship.

Unfortunately this makes you incompatible and is causing stress and distrust. You'll have to consider if you really want a future with her and if this is the right woman/relationship for you.

Yes we did, because I grew up in a home where my moms uncle came for a visit as a occasional alcoholic who acted like mr hyde and mr jekyll. I was so scared of him as drunk, even though he was the sweetiest as sober. I started to hate the smell of beer. But well, yes, I do not need a total lack of alcohol in my life, but I also do not want to mix alcohol usage with my kids and I think that it is not wise to start a family unless you are not ready to priority the family.

Yes I have to consider if this is right. I doubt she will ever change and because I have different rules I will never feel safe. It would be different if she would not have said that she would not accept the behavier she has and if she did not react so bad on the question if I can have a drink with someone.....

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, Spillevinken said:

I agree about fear. And yes, I just want to have a calm family life with an ordinary woman. I actually do not belive that she will change. This is her, as she has said with her own words. She wants to remain and expand her own world and I can not even take a little bit part of it. That is not fair.

So why are you planning to proceed with having a child with her? Do you feel her lifestyle is conducive to being a good, dedicated mother?

[Spillevinken]

49 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But that's not enough.  I care about dogs and their welfare and would not adopt a dog because I know I don't have the lifestyle where I'd be able to act in the best interest of a dog and while I care I am not a dog person.  I love my son to the moon and back and care about children in general but if you asked me to adopt or foster another teenager right now I'd say no -I'd care about the teenager but also know I'm the wrong person to take on another teenager in my home as his parent. 

A person who  doesn't want to be close to you, who think is actually phobic about including you in her social life, who wants her freedom -is a person who is not likely to act in the best interests of a child especially in a co-parenting situation.  

I agree it is not enough. It would have been great to not be or feel so excluded from her whole life. My point is that she is not only weird. She is much more than that. But, when you summarize it is not worth the anxiety. You should feel safe in a relationship. On the other hand I am in the same time questioning myself. I belive that I am too anxious too.

[Spillevinken]

Just now, boltnrun said:

So why are you planning to proceed with having a child with her? Do you feel her lifestyle is conducive to being a good, dedicated mother?

She has her son every second week and she is actually doing everything for him. I do not see her as a bad mother. I guess I dream about a family and that she will one day wake up and leave her childish behavier. That she will feel fulfilled so she will not have needs to fill her empty space with the attention from alot of people who anyway will never be close to her. That she will actually become safe in herself and realize how calm, safe and nice it is to be really close to someone and what kind of freedom that actually really is. But I also understand that this is a fantasy, that is is very likely that this will not happen in any way.

She has several times said that her biggest mistake was to leave the father of her child. But she has also said that when our child become a teenager she sometimes wants to work abroad. Because she is highly skilled she can easily do that too and she wants me to stay home waiting for her when she take her weekend trips.

[smackie9]

8 minutes ago, Spillevinken said:

I believe that I am too anxious too.

That's not you being too anxious, that's her making you feel that way. Like in your past example about the uncle's drinking, and how he made you feel fear when drunk, but you didn't when he was sober because he was sweet to you. It's all about the environment, and how you are being treated. 

[boltnrun]

She isn't a full time mother, then. Is she planning for you to take the child every second week so she can go party? 

6 minutes ago, Spillevinken said:

I guess I dream about a family and that she will one day wake up and leave her childish behavier. That she will feel fulfilled so she will not have needs to fill her empty space with the attention from alot of people who anyway will never be close to her. That she will actually become safe in herself and realize how calm, safe and nice it is to be really close to someone and what kind of freedom that actually really is. But I also understand that this is a fantasy, that is is very likely that this will not happen in any way.

No, she has clearly said this will not happen.

[Spillevinken]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

That's not you being too anxious, that's her making you feel that way. Like in your past example about the uncle's drinking, and how he made you feel fear when drunk, but you didn't when he was sober because he was sweet to you. It's all about the environment, and how you are being treated. 

My feelings have been so questioned so it is sometimes hard to know what is what, because she always react with fear of critizism everytime I feel something. For an exampel when we were supposed to celebrate our 6 month day, she had to invite her sister for bicyling. But, as usually she wanted to be alone so I was not welcome when they were going to bike, so I went to the gym. Afterwards I was allowed to eat dinner with them and after that we were supposed to watch a movie. They went to sit down and I came to sit with my gf. I put my hand on her knee and she reacted with that by moving away about 5 foot from me.

The next morning she said that I destroyed her day with her sister, after I said that I felt sad that she did not want to have any physical contact with her on our half year day. She was really mad.

After this we planned to go skiiing. I was down at her place to visit her. She said that it is sad that because the spring was coming faster then we thought it would, we would not have time to go skiiing. After the said this her sister contacted her to ask her if she wanted to join her skiiing. She agreed, sent me back home the exakt same way to the place where they were going. I could not even join during the daytime, the first day they came there, not even one minute. So I went home alone.

[Spillevinken]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She isn't a full time mother, then. Is she planning for you to take the child every second week so she can go party? 

No, she has clearly said this will not happen.

Yes, you are totally right about that. She said it last time yesterday, that she has her kind of personality. And yes, I guess you are right that I am supposed to make her able to party. That is quite bizarre.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Spillevinken said:

Yes, you are totally right about that. She said it last time yesterday, that she has her kind of personality. And yes, I guess you are right that I am supposed to make her able to party. That is quite bizarre.

I hope you keep this in mind before you head to the doctor or clinic to create a child with her. 

[Spillevinken]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I hope you keep this in mind before you head to the doctor or clinic to create a child with her. 

I will read this conversation again and yes, I will think about what you all have said to me. I am very thankful for your support! It is not easy to be trapped in your own mind with all the feelings in the head.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Spillevinken said:

I will read this conversation again and yes, I will think about what you all have said to me. I am very thankful for your support! It is not easy to be trapped in your own mind with all the feelings in the head.

Planning on conceiving a child means you absolutely cannot choose to be trapped in your own head.  At that point in time and so many points in time in raising a child being self-absorbed and trapped in your own head simply is not an option.

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, Spillevinken said:

She has explained to me that she needs impression outside the relationship, from her sister, parents, friends and colleagues. It is also important that I do not join her. I think it is normal to have friends etc and I have never excluded a girlfriend, but also never expected that the gf would like to join me everywhere because she can.

There is a world of difference between having friends who you will NEVER introduce to your partner, and having your partner expecting to go everywhere with you and your friends.  

It's healthy for a person to have the freedom to spend time alone with friends.   It's quite bizarre to have your significant other and your own friends never meeting or getting to know each other.  

[tattoobunnie]

So when you two have a kid, do you have to stay home when she wants to bring the baby around to introduce them to friends and family.  Or do you stay home to watch the baby, while she goes out drinking with other dudes?