Is this grounds for a breakup? Gf engaging with old flame (read for more details. Thanks)

[Adrad]

For context we’ve been dating for a year…

 

My gf & I had gotten in a pretty big fight and she had showed me a sexual text someone had sent her (which she cropped to only show the specific text and not the rest of the text history); obviously this was meant to be hurtful. But you know how fights go. 

 

We ended up making up, but then I asked why was that text cropped, where’s the rest of the text? And who sent that text anyways? She claimed the text was unprovoked (“guys are just weird like that”). But it was her “friend”(& someone she is friends with on her Instagram where she only follows 40 people; all irl friends). I asked what’s the history with this person? Seeing as how he “randomly” sent her a sexually explicit text.

 

She said they used to text each other in a sexual manner; like the text he had sent; then she went on to describe that they met on a dating app during the pandemic and had tried dating, but he was “wishy washy”, so they ended things romantically but stayed friends. But he’d still be flirty which upset her because she felt like “make up your mind, you either want me fully or you don’t get me at all” - then they unfollowed each other on social media etc

 

They eventually started following each other again on Instagram while we were dating; before we entered a committed relationship. And she said at first it was platonic, but then he started being flirty again. So she told him, “look, you need to let me find someone who actually wants to put in the work w me and let me be happy”, and she told him about me, & they unfollowed each other.

 

Well, back in November our relationship really hit a rough patch, and she says she re-added him on Instagram. She claims just because anything sexual/romantic aside, they’d been good friends and she just wanted the extra support.

 

She claims that it’s totally been platonic, and she actually sent me screenshots of their Instagram DMs, and it’s very casual. Not flirty. Yet, on Friday he texted her “I jerked off to you last night”. She did eventually send me the screenshot of the entire text thread and it does like she didn’t engage and that his sexual text was unprompted.

 

Matter of fact she didn’t engage much in other texts he sent either. But I do know you can delete texts in a text thread. And it does seem a lil peculiar that they engaged so casually on Instagram DMs, yet she’d ignore his texts; which makes me think that maybe she deleted texts from the thread to make his text look unprompted.

 

I don’t think she’s cheated on me or anything; but I do think re-adding him and inviting him back into her life while in a serious committed relationship with me is in fact a form of unfaithfulness, and is a betrayal of sorts. 

 

Do I give her the benefit of the doubt that her intentions were strictly platonic and that his sexual text was completely unprompted? Or should I be more weary? Is this grounds for a break up? What would you do in this situation?

[Batya33]

I would find her game playing inconsistent with being in a committed relationship and her choices to interact with this person inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.  Over the years I've been contacted inappropriately by men. 

A couple of times strangers on FB, a few times by men I dated in the past where either I then ended the contact or made my boundaries very clear which they then respected and our interactions after were rare and platonic, and in every single case I prioroitized my marriage (or before that our relationship).  I also didn't tell my husband unless necessary. 

I blocked strangers (no need to tell husband), and one time I asked him if it was ok if I gave the guy the name of a divorce lawyer I knew and ignored the flirty part of his email (we were acquainted through jury duty years before).  With my husband's input, I did and confirmed with this man that I was married and to limit all contact to professional only (through Linkedin).  Which we did.  I would never act manipulative and show off "ohhhh see how my ex still wants me???" Nor would I stay in touch with a man who behaved inappropriately.

It's up to you -she seems really immature and skittish and manipulative - this must have come up in the past as well, no?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Adrad said:

  I do think re-adding him and inviting him back into her life while in a serious committed relationship with me is in fact a form of unfaithfulness, and is a betrayal of sorts.

Sorry this is happening. It's a lot of bad arguments and drama. That alone is a red flag and may indicate some incompatibilities.

Add to this that you feel betrayed and a lack of trust is developing.

Reflect if this is the right woman/relationship for you.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Adrad said:

She claimed the text was unprovoked (“guys are just weird like that”)

Really? You should have send her to that other guy the second she showed you the text. I am serious. To just say "Well go to that guy and never say Hi to me again".

Anyway, the game she is playing. I dont know your ages but its like you are kids. Where she shows you how some guy sexts with her, then you kiss and make up, then things dont go that good and she adds that guy again. Its something that you shouldnt tolerate at all.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Adrad said:

They eventually started following each other again on Instagram while we were dating; before we entered a committed relationship. And she said at first it was platonic, but then he started being flirty again. So she told him, “look, you need to let me find someone who actually wants to put in the work w me and let me be happy”, and she told him about me, & they unfollowed each other.

 

Well, back in November our relationship really hit a rough patch, and she says she re-added him on Instagram. She claims just because anything sexual/romantic aside, they’d been good friends and she just wanted the extra support.

IMO, SHE is quite unsettled 😕 .

She's added him then removed him.. this is ridiculous!  

So, every time you two go thru a 'rough patch', she's going to go seek support from another man or an ex?  No.

I would not accept any of this.  She needs to get her **** together. And she isn't.  Whether she's been flirty with him or not.  Then to show you some of it?  Sounds like she's seeking a response ( and the wrong type of attention) from you!  She needs to grow up and learn some respect for her relationship and herself.

Nah, get out of this kind of head games.  Find yourself someone who IS more stable than this.