Help

[Lonely12]

Myself and my partner have been together for 10yr we have 1 child few yrs ago things started to go downhill, he was not interested in me in the bedroom he said he had a low libido 🤷‍♀️ I tried everything to get him interested but nothing. Then the arguments started I have told him how he makes me feel disgusting and unloved and I have begged for his attention we have a child and I really want to make it work. He says he loves me too but I don’t know if he does I have never felt the need to snoop on him but recently went through his phone and found he has been watching a lot of porn what should I do? 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Lonely12 said:

 we have 1 child few yrs ago things started to go downhill, 

When did things start going downhill? After having a child? Are you both working and both participating in household stuff and childcare? Are there conflicts in other areas such as finances or other issues?

How old is he? Does he have mental or physical health issues or habits like drinking etc.?

Please don't beg for affection or insinuate it affects your self imagine or worth. Consider talking to a therapist about your concerns and inquire about the possibility of couples counseling.

 

[Batya33]

I would have a calm discussion where you ask him that even though he loves you does he want to be in this relationship with you or would he prefer you two separate and co-parent? Is he interested in getting counseling? You're not married -but of course you will check first, before the conversation, into any financial matters, etc.  It takes two to make a relationship work and I'm sorry you cannot convince someone to be with you. Watching porn is not cheating unless you two promised never to watch porn (did you?) and is consistent with him having sexual desires.

[Lonely12]

We both work, and our child is 9 things went downhill about 4 yr ago so was relatively happy until then. We don’t have any other issues apart from this, I have suggested couple therapy he does not want to go so what should I do?  Next?

[Lonely12]

He said he loves me and when I suggested separating he said no. Not sure what else I can do and I never said the porn was cheating just that he is watching it all the time and tells me he has a low libido? 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Lonely12 said:

He said he loves me and when I suggested separating he said no. Not sure what else I can do and I never said the porn was cheating just that he is watching it all the time and tells me he has a low libido? 

You tell him calmly -you say you do not want to separate from me and you also don't want to have sex with me or be affectionate with me.  I need sex and affection as part of a romantic relationship.  You say you now have a low libido -are you willing to get checked out by a doctor and/or see a therapist so we can go back to having a normal sex life?

Is he affectionate and romantic with you -low libido shouldn't affect that.  

I wouldn't put much stock in the porn viewing -you don't know how actively he is watching or what his reaction is. Do you feel like you've changed -have you put on a lot of weight? Or changed your appearance a lot? That can impact attraction.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Lonely12 said:

 he is watching it all the time and tells me he has a low libido? 

How old is he? Does he have mental or physical health issues or habits that could cause low libido or ED?

What happened 4 years ago? Are you concerned he's cheating? Or are you afraid he is no longer attracted to you? Reflect on exactly what your concerns are and discuss them privately and confidentiality with your own personal therapist.

If he isn't interested in couples counseling, you can certainly go yourself. In fact that may be the best place to start in addressing the issue.

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, Lonely12 said:

He said he loves me and when I suggested separating he said no. Not sure what else I can do and I never said the porn was cheating just that he is watching it all the time and tells me he has a low libido? 

The porn is escapism and is possibly an addiction. This needs to be addressed. If he refuses, you don't need his permission to separate/ terminate the relationship. 

[Coily]

It sounds more like porn is a symptom not the cause of what is going on. At that 4 year ago demarcation, what happened to change the dynamic? Was it work changes? Body changes for either of you? Have you become hyper focused on your child and neglected him in other ways?

When you address the sex drive problems do you make him react as if he's to blame? Are there other romantic gestures being reciprocated?

 

 

[Lonely12]

I am maybe not explaining all of this very well I am just so lost and confused atm, I think maybe we came to a point where both our jobs changed and we weren’t getting as much alone time. He just stopped trying to make an effort with us as a couple we don’t hug or kiss anymore rarely ever have sex. I have tried booking us trips away doing date nights he says he is tired maybe it is a underlying health condition I did ask him to go to the doctor. 
I just feel so unwanted and I have tried to talk to him about this but he disregarded me I have not put on weight or changed my appearance in anyway. It’s like he loves having me in the house but not as a partner I feel like I am more of a mum now sometimes when I try and talk about the affection he says he will try but then it just goes back how it was. Maybe I am unreasonable or unrealistic about how things should be but surly we should both be happy healthy and feel loved in this? I’m just not sure what else I can do I just feel so broken 

[Lonely12]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

The porn is escapism and is possibly an addiction. This needs to be addressed. If he refuses, you don't need his permission to separate/ terminate the relationship. 

The porn concerned me because of the nature it was women in the 70s and 80s I know everyone has a “kink” but wow my mind was blown maybe I am just more narrow minded than I thought I was 

[Lonely12]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he? Does he have mental or physical health issues or habits that could cause low libido or ED?

What happened 4 years ago? Are you concerned he's cheating? Or are you afraid he is no longer attracted to you? Reflect on exactly what your concerns are and discuss them privately and confidentiality with your own personal therapist.

If he isn't interested in couples counseling, you can certainly go yourself. In fact that may be the best place to start in addressing the issue.

He is 45 I am afraid he is no longer attracted to me  I have arranged single therapy for myself as I feel so down 

[spinstermanquee]

Sorry this is happening.  Good for you to go for therapy.  When  you find the right therapist it's such a help and support.

[Lonely12]

7 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Sorry this is happening.  Good for you to go for therapy.  When  you find the right therapist it's such a help and support.

Thank you I can’t get in for my appointment until next week and I just needed to let it all out so vent on here as I can’t speak to anyone about this. But I just feel a little more stupid now I’m just so stressed I can’t eat or sleep can’t concentrate and I have nobody to talk too 

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, Lonely12 said:

Then the arguments started I have told him how he makes me feel disgusting and unloved and I have begged for his attention we have a child and I really want to make it work.

First off, having a child won't 'make it work'.  And ya don't stay with someone because of that...

One should not have to 'beg' for anything.  If it's been a continuous issue & discussion, THEY are lacking in their ability.

Okay, so you found porn.. But, do you know for sure if this is the problem? ( Like you said, a low libido?).  Like do they disappear with their phone in the shower for an hour?  Or do they stay up way past bedtime, on their own?

As for your anxiety, obviously this isn't doing you any good..sorry 😕 .  If this is how he is and has been for a while, then yeah, discuss with your therapist - if it's just time to break away from all of this now.. for your own mental health.