I can't move past the jealousy

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

I guess because I would struggle to trust anyone due to my insecurity and low self-worth that I've mentioned to a few people on here. I badly want to trust him because otherwise, the relationship is lovely and I love him. I'm frightened it's another case of pushing someone away. I want someone to shake me and tell me it's all in my head. But only I can decide whether I can get over this mistrust. 

What active things are you doing to change your insecurity and low self-worth? Obviously fretting and being anxious and fearful and catastrophizing isn't working. You seem to be intending to sabotage what appears to be a good relationship because you just refuse to believe and trust that this guy might actually love you. 

Do you want to continue to live like this? If not, are you willing to implement any of the suggestions people have made here? Have you tried any of those suggestions? And are you willing to work with a therapist to deal with your fear, anxiety and low self-worth?

[happy1]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Obviously fretting and being anxious and fearful and catastrophizing isn't working. You seem to be intending to sabotage what appears to be a good relationship because you just refuse to believe and trust that this guy might actually love you. 

It's really not working - it's making me miserable to the point like I said in my OP that when I caught him looking towards her room a couple of times, I honestly thought to end it because then I could just stop the inner turmoil. Something stopped me from ending it though. I guess hope that I might be wrong. 

That's what brought me here - desperation to seek some unbiased perspectives to see if there was a chance I was making a big deal of nothing. I think there is insurmountable evidence in the comments from people that from the outside looking in, I may well be overthinking. 

 

It gives me hope. But I have a lot of work to do. I have already looked into finding a therapist today and I have written down a lot of the suggestions. I think before just 'dumping' him, I need to see if I can start feeling less worthless and 'second best'. Then, I guess if I still don't trust him or he gives me any reason to distrust him in the meantime, I will end it. But I'm starting to believe that ending it could be really tragic if there really isn't enough reason as yet to not trust him. 

 

I will absolutely take on board what people have said on here because I've really had my eyes opened that a lot of the problem stems from my own insecurity and low self-worth. 

 

Thank you for helping me direct my thoughts and seeing not all is bleak! 

[boltnrun]

Some people will tell you unequivocally that he is not to be trusted, that he's a liar with a roving eye and that you should break up with him. Please do not allow yourself to be swayed by the opinions of others who have not seen his actions in person. 

The only reason I recommended breaking up is because you have stated multiple times that although he has reassured you again and again that he loves you and isn't interested in her, you still think he's lying. I can't see why you would want to stay in a relationship with someone you're convinced is lying to you and deliberately deceiving you. 

I can tell you that one of the worst feelings in a relationship is being accused of something you didn't do and the other person just will not believe you when you say it isn't true. My ex did that. He will never believe that I didn't sleep with this other guy and has even told people he "knows" I did. I did not. But it didn't matter what I said, he wouldn't budge. It's very upsetting. 

[spinstermanquee]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I can tell you that one of the worst feelings in a relationship is being accused of something you didn't do and the other person just will not believe you when you say it isn't true.

That was a frequent activity during my time with the maniacally jealous boyfriend.  Interrogated about men at work, men at the gym, men at the grocery store, wait staff at the restaurants I frequented, ANY MALE in any environment was fodder for his imagination.  My party girl past had been left in the past and it didn't justify the constant accusations and interrogations I had to endure, yes ENDURE during our relationship.  I never once stepped outside the relationship or was inappropriate with anyone; the treatment was not based on my actions or any facts, it was solely in his head.

Jess, that's not what you're up to (thank goodness!) and I'm glad you are reading and studying, looking for a way to alleviate these (possibly irrational) feelings.  I wish you all the best...  ((( big hugs)))

[Wonderstruck]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Some people will tell you unequivocally that he is not to be trusted, that he's a liar with a roving eye and that you should break up with him. Please do not allow yourself to be swayed by the opinions of others who have not seen his actions in person.

Literally nobody told her that she SHOULD break up with him, we simply shared our perspectives on her situation and said what WE would do.

There's no need for passive-aggressive comments tearing down someone else's advice, while simultaneously saying "Don't listen to THEM, listen to ME!".

Each one of us is entitled to give our own perspective, and the OP will take whichever piece of advice resonates with her the most.

[boltnrun]

Do you say things like "I saw you looking at Friend. Do you have feelings for her?" "You keep saying nice things about Friend. Do you wish you were her boyfriend instead of mine?" or "Do you really love me? Because I see you looking at Friend and it makes me think you'd rather be with her." or "Did you like her before you got together with me?"

[boltnrun]

Just now, Wonderstruck said:

Literally nobody told her that she SHOULD break up with him, we simply shared our perspectives on her situation and said what WE would do.

There's no need for passive-aggressive comments tearing down someone else's advice, while simultaneously saying "Don't listen to THEM, listen to ME!".

Each one of us is entitled to give our own perspective, and the OP will take whichever piece of advice resonates with her the most.

I agree. But I also believe we bring our own perspectives and life experiences with us. We can't help but be biased based on those experiences.

[Wonderstruck]

Just now, boltnrun said:

I agree. But I also believe we bring our own perspectives and life experiences with us. We can't help but be biased based on those experiences.

Fair enough.

But I also have never been cheated on, so this isn't coming from some inherently suspicious "He's probably going to cheat on you, they all do!" mentality.

My perspective was coming from a "Never ignore your gut instinct" mentality.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

Fair enough.

But I also have never been cheated on, so this isn't coming from some inherently suspicious "He's probably going to cheat on you, they all do!" mentality.

My perspective was coming from a "Never ignore your gut instinct" mentality.

In this case I think there's a chance it's not her gut instinct that's raising doubts but her own fears, anxieties and insecurities.

I think it would be a shame to toss away or create issues in a relationship that is, as she put it, "lovely" because she has a history of being fearful of allowing people to get close because they might end up hurting her. 

As you said, ultimately Jess will decide what works best for her and proceed accordingly. 

[happy1]

51 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Jess, that's not what you're up to (thank goodness!) and I'm glad you are reading and studying, looking for a way to alleviate these (possibly irrational) feelings.  I wish you all the best...  ((( big hugs)))

Thank you. It's brave for you to share your own experiences and it's helpful for me to see that I NEVER want to get to that stage. I am not watching his every move - it's just my 'obsession' with the idea he liked me friend. Otherwise, I believe I do actually trust him, or could at least work towards it after working on my insecurities. 

[happy1]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

He will never believe that I didn't sleep with this other guy and has even told people he "knows" I did. I did not. But it didn't matter what I said, he wouldn't budge. It's very upsetting. 

Wow. Thanks for sharing this. It's so scary what tricks your mind can play on you. It sounds like your ex had a lot of his own issues too. My mind has been trying to tell me I just 'know' he likes my friend, but I'm starting to see I could be wrong! It's toxic  and it's scary the lies your mind can make up. All for protection though. But it ends up creating drama for nothing and could have made me just walk away for no real reason. So sad really. But there's hope if I can do the work! 

[bluecastle]

I'm curious about a little experiment. 

If we remove your boyfriend from this discussion, and just focus on this friend of yours, is there anything about her that triggers insecurities in you? Anything about the way she looks, how she carries herself, whatever? 

All of us have things about ourselves we're a little edgy about. As such, those who seem possess what we deem to be missing from ourselves have a certain kind of power. While I'm not saying this is the case here, I'm just asking some questions that might help you sort out where some of this angst is coming from. And once we see the roots, they become less mysterious—and, by extension, less powerful. 

[happy1]

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

As you said, ultimately Jess will decide what works best for her and proceed accordingly

Thanks for this. I really hope what I first believed to be my "gut instinct" is actually just my extreme defence mechanisms against being hurt and rejected. I do believe you should go with your gut, but as long as you are in a healthy and stable place mentally. I don't think I am at the minute. I think with the help of a therapist, I can try to delve into my issues first before making such a huge decision about my relationship. 

[happy1]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I'm curious about a little experiment. 

If we remove your boyfriend from this discussion, and just focus on this friend of yours, is there anything about her that triggers insecurities in you? Anything about the way she looks, how she carries herself, whatever? 

All of us have things about ourselves we're a little edgy about. As such, those who seem possess what we deem to be missing from ourselves have a certain kind of power. While I'm not saying this is the case here, I'm just asking some questions that might help you sort out where some of this angst is coming from. And once we see the roots, they become less mysterious—and, by extension, less powerful. 

Oh my goodness! This is mind-blowing! I did what you just said, and I realised that I am jealous of her anyway because I've always believed she was more attractive than me AS WELL AS being better at the job than me! Ahh....I think I'm getting somewhere here....

I literally never even considered that it could be ME with the obsession for my friend?! 

[happy1]

55 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

My perspective was coming from a "Never ignore your gut instinct" mentality

And I am grateful for you sharing your opinion because I do agree with this to an extent. It's just I think to trust your gut you have to be in a stable place in your head first, and I don't think I am yet. But going to work on it! 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

Oh my goodness! This is mind-blowing! I did what you just said, and I realised that I am jealous of her anyway because I've always believed she was more attractive than me AS WELL AS being better at the job than me! Ahh....I think I'm getting somewhere here....

I literally never even considered that it could be ME with the obsession for my friend?! 

Maybe there's a little voice inside your head that says "My boyfriend SHOULD want her because she's prettier, smarter and better than me at her job". And as a result you've written this entire narrative.

Not really fair to him, is it? Or to her for that matter. 

[happy1]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Maybe there's a little voice inside your head that says "My boyfriend SHOULD want her because she's prettier, smarter and better than me at her job". And as a result you've written this entire narrative.

Not really fair to him, is it? Or to her for that matter. 

I'm fearing this is what I've done, which is defined not fair on either of them! 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, jessb86a said:

Evidence: he made the comment about her boyfriend seeming arrogant

Again, this is not "evidence." This is you projecting and connecting dots where they don't seem to be any. 

You don't trust your boyfriend, that much is clear. If you did, you would trust that he's being honest with you that he doesn't have feelings. But you apparently think he is the type to lie about these things - in which case, you don't respect him. 

He is going to get tired of you disrespecting him by repeatedly calling his honesty into question. Think about what message that is sending him: you think he's a liar. 

[boltnrun]

You know...maybe he actually loves you!

[happy1]

27 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He is going to get tired of you disrespecting him by repeatedly calling his honesty into question. Think about what message that is sending him: you think he's a liar. 

I completely hear you there. I would feel the same if someone kept questioning me when I knew I was telling the truth. I have definitely decided that I work on my issues, see if I trust him after that and take it from there. What I will absolute not do is interrogate him any more. 

[happy1]

30 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Again, this is not "evidence." This is you projecting and connecting dots where they don't seem to be any. 

You don't trust your boyfriend, that much is clear. If you did, you would trust that he's being honest with you that he doesn't have feelings. But you apparently think he is the type to lie about these things - in which case, you don't respect him. 

He is going to get tired of you disrespecting him by repeatedly calling his honesty into question. Think about what message that is sending him: you think he's a liar. 

Also, this is probably less about me not respecting him and more about me having trust issues with ANYONE. It's just taken me to get into a serious relationship with someone I have never felt as strongly about for them to come to the surface. 

[boltnrun]

27 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

Also, this is probably less about me not respecting him and more about me having trust issues with ANYONE. It's just taken me to get into a serious relationship with someone I have never felt as strongly about for them to come to the surface. 

But he won't be able to have that perspective. All he knows is you keep going on about this friend and he's told you time and again that he doesn't have feelings for her and that he loves YOU, but you are refusing to believe it. 

Maybe tell him you think you might have some idea as to why you've been so stuck on this idea that he likes her. Explain that you think it has more to do with you feeling a bit out of sorts and not that he's done anything inappropriate or that he's hiding his feelings for her from you. Let him know he's important to you and that's why you're going to be looking into ways to feel more confident and secure with yourself.  Then maybe suggest a fun activity or event so you two can go and have a good time together.

[happy1]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Let him know he's important to you and that's why you're going to be looking into ways to feel more confident and secure with yourself.  Then maybe suggest a fun activity or event so you two can go and have a good time together.

This is such a positive and lovely idea. I have told him that I struggle with self-worth and that could be triggering my jealous thoughts. Hence why he's stuck around! He's been quite understanding, but I have also sensed his frustration too. I definitely don't want to push him away when it seems I may be way off the mark.

I think I will do what you've suggested and tell him I'm doing some internal work on my overall confidence. 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

This is such a positive and lovely idea. I have told him that I struggle with self-worth and that could be triggering my jealous thoughts. Hence why he's stuck around! He's been quite understanding, but I have also sensed his frustration too. I definitely don't want to push him away when it seems I may be way off the mark.

I think I will do what you've suggested and tell him I'm doing some internal work on my overall confidence. 

Yes, you don't want to take advantage of his patience.

What is something he enjoys that you also enjoy? Suggest doing whatever it is. And promise yourself (but don't share it with him) that you will not allow any jealousy or insecurity interfere with this event or activity. You can do a "Scarlett O'Hara" and think about it later if any upsetting or negative thoughts try to pop up. 

I also encourage you to look into online supportive therapy such as Better Help. We do our best here but we are not professionals!

And of course keep journaling. It helps a lot.

[happy1]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yes, you don't want to take advantage of his patience.

What is something he enjoys that you also enjoy? Suggest doing whatever it is. And promise yourself (but don't share it with him) that you will not allow any jealousy or insecurity interfere with this event or activity. You can do a "Scarlett O'Hara" and think about it later if any upsetting or negative thoughts try to pop up. 

I also encourage you to look into online supportive therapy such as Better Help. We do our best here but we are not professionals!

And of course keep journaling. It helps a lot.

We both love camping and long walks, so I'm going to organise something and stay POSITIVE! No jealous comments allowed, even in jest. 

Thanks SO much for all the time and effort you've put into your replies. It's helped immensely and I'm feeling a lot more positive!