I'm autistic and I might be non-binary or trans

[Silentlyfor]

I'm not sure how to word this but this entire experience is confusing.  I'm going through and "unmasking" process of being on the spectrum for almost 40 years and I'm going through the experience of finding out who I am underneath all the masking I've done during those decades.   Some of my closest friend came out as trans when one of our closest friends died and have started undergoing transitions and started feeling better after they started.  For the last 5 months, I've been considering it as well and started considering it as well as I've been trying to find my "true" identity.  I've been a rather masculine(at times overly masculine) guy for years, MANY years and have started reconsidering it.  

Here's where it gets confusing, I liked some things that were considered "feminine" and but most of what I enjoyed had a masculine bent to things still overall, even in childhood.  I wasn't much into sports(unless I was forced into them) but I like things that a lot of boys liked: comics, video games, physical activity like tag, more "masculine cartoons", I even like playing rough and other things that were considered masc.  As well, I also had a keen, KEEN sexual interest in women even as early as 8 years old.   BUT I also had a "feminine" side where I liked and professed to like animals, flowers and plant-life.  Also, as I grew older, I also failed to have a passion in other masc things like cars, working with my hands, working in a physical job and the like.   And, later on, I figured I would get a literature degree and sociology degree (double major) which is predominantly studied by females.  During those years in college I also started taking to working out ... a lot ... just so I can get laid.  Then I went through a period where I was into nothing but masc stuff in my early 30's for a couple of years until about 33 before I slowed that down ... 

A couple of years passed where nothing notable happened except working and, at 35 I went through a major depression.  I struggled but I managed to find work.  In those work places, I was mocked for a number things.  I sit with my legs crossed under my desk for example and somebody in the 70's was mocking me for sitting like a woman or a girl and I had longer hair as well and was mocked for that too.  However, I got offended when I was called a "she" mockingly despite the fact that I do like at least some of my masculine traits such as for example, my voice which sounds deep, expressive and, frankly awesome(in fact, my voice is how I managed to survive for almost 10 years straight since my late 20's).  

Now, here I am, almost 40 in about 3 weeks and this is where it gets VERY confusing.  Since about 38 my breasts have grown rather noticeably and I hate them.  I feel my male genatalia is right for me but every one in a while, everyday, since the death of my friend 5 months ago, I've had feminine versions of myself come into my head such as me speaking softy and wearing feminine clothes like dresses or skirts.  At first, it felt like an intrusive thought that started making me sick, retch in fact but the thoughts kept forcing their way into my head.  Given that they kept coming, I tried think of something else in order to distract myself from them.  For a period mid-way, I did for about 2 months while working on a live streaming project ... then, after I took a break from it, the thoughts came back, still uncomfortable with them but less disturbing ... the same as before.  

Now, they're more dramatic.  I'm occasionally now imagining myself with female genatalia which causing me to retch violently ... this happens VERY seldom but it makes me feel gross.  I still don't like my moobs and, I did try on a dress once ... and it didn't feel right.  Or rather, I just didn't feel anything.  

Could I be having a crisis of identity or is it possible that I'm non-binary or trans?  This experience is kind of tearing me apart and I don't want to start making key decisions in my life that could be irreversible and, on top of that, I'm still going through my unmasking process.  I worry because, now I'm finding it's stress to be a man and I have this thing that happens where my wrists and ankles feel hot when I'm conflicted like as though my life fluids are going to burst out of my body.  This to me feels like I'm fighting self-harm tendencies and I need to know of other people's experience before I start seeing a gender specialized psychiatrist to explore this further.  Any help would be great. 

Again, I'm just trying to see if there are other experiences out there because I also realize, in case, that being non-binary is an option if behavior can help me.  Also ... combine with the stresses of unmasking, I might be going through a mid-life thing that could just pass.  I need some input.  

[Seraphim]

I don’t know a lot about different sexualities. Do you think maybe this is a response to the grief of losing your friend?

I know many Autistic people have different sexuality. Maybe a subject to explore ?

Unmasking is difficult. My son is Autistic and I definitely question if I am myself as well. 

[Coily]

Good that you are seeking help, but i would encourage you to make sure who you are seeing professionally isn't going to just see the Trans ideation and run with that rather than exploring your thoughts and needs.

For my non professional opinion; i think you are going through a crisis of both mourning your friend and feeling like you're in a rut. As you have a friend transitioning you are seeing the help it is causing them and thinking that is your easy out, this may not be right for you or it may be perfect.

Also just because you like feminine things doesn't really mean anything, people are allowed to enjoy what they like. This notion that if one likes something traditionally associated with an opposite gender means they are trans or non-binary, it's nonsense. The people I know who have transitioned did so because of diagnosed body dysphoria, who got a lot of professional help over years before transitioning. 

So take your time, seek opposing opinions from professionals and don't base your decisions off of your friend.

[uTgh4K33]

Hi there! I'm transexual, so maybe I can help a bit. The thoughts of you being female will be normal for a trasgender person, however, you said that you didn't felt right with that image. If you feel confortable with your actual genitals and such, you don't have to worry too much about it. 
And I see you base lots of your conclussions on stereotypes. I know women who work with their hands and men who love literature, that doesn't mean anything (I don't want to seem rude, this is a friendly clarification). Of course it's not the same everywhere, I'm not judging. But being transgender has nothing to do with what you like. I am a transexual man and I don't like sports, I am bisexual, I love art and I have a very soft voice. That's my personality. I'm not feminine, I look completely like a man and I feel like a man since I can remember. 
Thi point is, do what feels right to you. It's ok to try dresses and stuff, I advice that to confuse friends because that creates a real image of them in that kind of outfit. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not right for you. 
Hope it helps!