How Can I Gracefully Get Out of My Brother's Christmas Party and Stay With An Ill Loved One?

[spinstermanquee]

My dad and his longtime wife used to have Christmastime gatherings and I would usually fly across the country to attend.  Over time I went less and less for various reasons (not angry ones) and so got into the habit of not attending (last time around 2005).  I even stopped celebrating the holidays altogether.  Over time, the hosting of the party passed to my brother who lives in the same burg as they do.  Many months ago I declined my brother's 2022 invitation.  I had no knowledge of the party after that.

My dad's wife transitioned to palliative care and I deeply care for her.  I just arrived to their burg and have limited time to spend with her.  If she is still breathing in the morning when I go back, I want to stay with Dad and her as much as I can before I fly home the next day.   Going to a gift exchanging Christmas party was the last thing on my mind when I came, and now it's just... AWKWARD.  For everyone. 

I don't know how to express this to my brother in a fashion that doesn't make me either a) look like a complete jerk or b) make it seem like I'm martyring myself (because I'm not) or c) like I'm pointing any fingers at anyone.  I hope they have a lovely party, I really do...  I want to be with she and Dad (unless my Dad tells me otherwise).

My brother said he would pick me up early to grab coffees and go over to the hospice.  I said yes but we should take two cars (I have a rental).

Please enotaloners, can you give me any suggestions?

[Kwothe28]

I think that under the circumstances, its perfectly OK to say that you want to stay with your stepmpom if she is dying. Your brother should be able to understand that.

[catfeeder]

I don't think you need to pretzel yourself. Being with your Dad as he loses his wife is not anything you need to justify.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Batya33]

Agree with Catfeeder -emergencies and crises always trump parties -and your only role is as a guest so you're not burdening anyone by your absence.  I'm very sorry you're in this situation.  Merry Christmas to you.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

 My brother said he would pick me up early to grab coffees and go over to the hospice.  I said yes but we should take two cars

That's a great solution. This way you can spend time there as long as you like and meet up later if you feel up to it.

[Starlight925]

11 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Many months ago I declined my brother's 2022 invitation.  I had no knowledge of the party after that.

You already declined the invitation many months ago, correct?  

So why do you feel the need to justify not going now, after you already declined a long time ago?  

I'm not trying to be accusatory; I'm just asking the question.  Are you afraid of hurting your brother's feelings by not attending, even though you've already said you wouldn't?  I mean, you could feel just as sad that your brother doesn't want to cancel his party in light of this impending situation to attend hospice to be by her side along with you.  

I feel like you're trying to please everyone, that maybe you've always been the pleaser?  And when you step out of that pleaser role, you're afraid of what others will think.

Well in this particular situation, I'd worry only about what you think, because you will only get this last chance with her once.  And if this is more important to you than worrying about who's going to steal the $25 TJ Maxx gift card, then I have to say, I agree.

 

[spinstermanquee]

5 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

So why do you feel the need to justify not going now, after you already declined a long time ago?

Man, you got my number.  The answer is, because I'm in town.

However, I think this was resolved organically, my Dad suggested I go make an appearance and give him some more alone time with her.

Thank you all for your input!  Big hugs and a happy holidays all around.