A had enough need change vent

[serialmonogamist]

Before I vent, I will admit I am feeling extremely angry and irritable right now. It's been a build up. Whatever you choose to respond with, do not adopt fixing, rescuing or saving behaviours. That's toxic. I'll do all that for myself. Please do not tell me maybe talking to a therapist or friend would help. If I wanted to do that, I certainly would not be here writing this. I'd be seeing a therapist or friend. 

I'm.a communicator. I believe in good communication. I am aware that there are many that lack good communication skills. I'm aware many do not place an importance on this at all. I try work with it when I come across these people, however when it is people that adequate communication is needed and it's falling short, I can't deal with it long term. 

Here are a few scenarios, real life that I'm having difficulty with. 

1. I'm studying a course online. The instructors live in Melbourne, I live in Perth. I have a FB group I can go to for support and the instructors email. I've been studying and sometimes I need answers to questions about course content or something I'm struggling with. The Facebook group although quite a lot of members is very inactive. I've even stopped using it for help regarding the course. I let the instructor know that I sent them an email regarding course content and some help. Four days later....still no response to my email. This is a pattern though and not the first time. It's the point of truly quitting this course as a result. I'm feeling angry at the lack of communication and not being able to move forward because I'm constantly waiting. I don't feel I should need to chase people or follow up on asking for a response. They have received the email too. 

2. I went for an interview last week for a voluntary position. Yes, I got the position. I was so very excited. That was last Thursday. It is now Tuesday. I've taken into account and always do that people are busy. I allow at least two days between emails for a response and a bit longer if an email is sent over a weekend. In this situation though, I'm waiting on really important info they said they would send to me after the interview was over.  I sent through an email yesterday, inquiring about it and asking a few other things. I had to send some other emails related to the position a few days back. I have had no acknowledgement or response to any of my emails. 

There are other recent incidents I won't mention but they all lead to the same outcome. No response. I absolutely flat out refuse to chase adult people who are old enough to have learnt communication skills and how to communicate bit choose to make all sorts of excuses when confronted about it and make no improvements or apologies for their tardiness. I'm tired of raising issues to be resolved. I'm just darn tired of it all. I no longer have the energy for it. 

This course meant a lot to me when I started. I was excited. This volunteer position meant a lot to me when I started. I was excited. I genuinely felt happiness and excitement. Having so many experiences recently of these things happening is really just bringing me down quite a lot. I feel my expectations are not unrealistic and I have made allowances. I also have a life with other commitments so I try develop a routine and factor in time for a new volunteer position plus studying online. I make the time because these things meant a great deal to me. This lack of communication does affect me and my life. Then whenever the person feels it's convenient for them, and they decide to email, I've already moved on. I feel the only way for people to learn now is deal with the consequences that come from making their own choices. It is a choice to not communicate and it is a choice to make excuses. I feel if you are generally not in front of them, technology is a good excuse to use as to not have to respond. 

Some people may see my vent as being minor and that is fine. To me it is not minor. It's clearly upsetting me and affecting my life. I'm getting depressed and despondent because it's just happening too much. 

I don't like communication via email, text, messenger or through apps. I'm an in person kind of person. It's the way of the world now bit it doesn't mean it works for me. 

I'm at a crossroads and I'm really not coping anymore with this cr.p.

I'm at the point now where I just don't even want to be bothered opening my emails and if I do get an email, they will now have to wait until I'm ready to respond and if I feel like responding. It's just not worth what I'm going through anymore. Communication is important to me and I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all. 

[boltnrun]

I agree there is a lack of communication with a LOT of people. I don't know where the idea came from that it's OK to ignore or disregard basic common sense communication.

Can I share an experience? I used to volunteer with a group. I introduced myself to the group at the initial introduction meeting. When arrived at the first volunteer event I attended, I reintroduced myself to one of the women who organized and led events She then called me by the wrong name. I politely corrected her. She giggled. She then proceeded to introduce me by the exact same wrong name a few minutes later. I again corrected her. A couple of weeks later she was leading an event I volunteered at. She cheerily shouted "Hello, Wrong Name!!" I again politely corrected her. When the next few volunteers showed up, you guessed it, she introduced me by the same wrong name. 

At that point I realized she knew darn well what my name was but she was choosing to address me by the wrong name. Maybe she hates being corrected. Maybe she hated me for some reason. But after that event I stopped volunteering with that group. I can help other groups that don't have rude event leaders. And the next time they contacted me to ask for my help I told the group leader exactly why I wouldn't be helping out anymore. Hopefully they dealt with her.

Sorry for your frustration.

[serialmonogamist]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I agree there is a lack of communication with a LOT of people. I don't know where the idea came from that it's OK to ignore or disregard basic common sense communication.

Can I share an experience? I used to volunteer with a group. I introduced myself to the group at the initial introduction meeting. When arrived at the first volunteer event I attended, I reintroduced myself to one of the women who organized and led events She then called me by the wrong name. I politely corrected her. She giggled. She then proceeded to introduce me by the exact same wrong name a few minutes later. I again corrected her. A couple of weeks later she was leading an event I volunteered at. She cheerily shouted "Hello, Wrong Name!!" I again politely corrected her. When the next few volunteers showed up, you guessed it, she introduced me by the same wrong name. 

At that point I realized she knew darn well what my name was but she was choosing to address me by the wrong name. Maybe she hates being corrected. Maybe she hated me for some reason. But after that event I stopped volunteering with that group. I can help other groups that don't have rude event leaders. And the next time they contacted me to ask for my help I told the group leader exactly why I wouldn't be helping out anymore. Hopefully they dealt with her.

Sorry for your frustration.

I don't know where the idea came from either. Knowing the reasons would not change how I feel so the reasons are  irrelevant to me. 

What I need to do for me is to change things that need changing so I do not experience these things as much any longer. I need to look a little deeper into it. 

In saying that, I do believe that from these incidents, consequences need to be delivered. People are not going to learn anything if you enable it by accepting it. To me it is not acceptable. I've given too much rope to people for a long time and I need to stop giving too much rope. 

I'll figure out a way to deal with these two situations and deliver consequences sensibly and maturely. These people are adults, not children. Just because they have nice attributes about them does not make these choices OK. 

It's taken me a lot of hard work and time to speak my mind and see things for what they are instead of what I'd like them to be. 

I think letting these people know that you were no longer interested in volunteering for them and why was a good move. Thus person was clearly doing what she did with intention. I would have walked away as well and I do hope they dealt with her too. Did you get a response when you said no to them and why? 

[boltnrun]

The lady in charge just said "OK, I understand" when I emailed her saying I wouldn't be back because that other lady kept rudely calling me by the wrong name. I have no idea what she thought.

Just a lack of professionalism way too often.

[catfeeder]

I hear your frustration. When it came to school, I opted to never allow a lazy instructor to interfere with either my enjoyment of a course or my GPA. If I needed a timely answer, I'd either send a followup of my question with 'SECOND REQUEST:' added to my subject line, or I'd phone, regardless of the hour, depending on the urgency.

If there's still a delay after that, I'd forward my second request to the Dean and ask for advisement on the non-response.

As for the volunteer position, I'd consider whether I'm dealing with a fellow volunteer, and if so, I'd make room for them to be on vacation or whatever--but I'd also send a followup with 'SECOND REQUEST' in the subject line, and I'd cc the @info email address or the address of that person's supervisor to learn if there's additional coverage.

So I guess in my case, the consequences would be that non-responders get treated as though they're now dealing with a collections agency.

Whether I 'should' or 'shouldn't' need to chase down a response is pretty irrelevant to me, because when I'm determined to get an answer, I'll just go get it, and without investing any energy to personalize it. I just tend to think of these things as technical barriers, and then I blow right past them.

[serialmonogamist]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I hear your frustration. When it came to school, I opted to never allow a lazy instructor to interfere with either my enjoyment of a course or my GPA. If I needed a timely answer, I'd either send a followup of my question with 'SECOND REQUEST:' added to my subject line, or I'd phone, regardless of the hour, depending on the urgency.

If there's still a delay after that, I'd forward my second request to the Dean and ask for advisement on the non-response.

As for the volunteer position, I'd consider whether I'm dealing with a fellow volunteer, and if so, I'd make room for them to be on vacation or whatever--but I'd also send a followup with 'SECOND REQUEST' in the subject line, and I'd cc the @info email address or the address of that person's supervisor to learn if there's additional coverage.

So I guess in my case, the consequences would be that non-responders get treated as though they're now dealing with a collections agency.

Whether I 'should' or 'shouldn't' need to chase down a response is pretty irrelevant to me, because when I'm determined to get an answer, I'll just go get it, and without investing any energy to personalize it. I just tend to think of these things as technical barriers, and then I blow right past them.

Thanks for sharing your experience. We all have different personalities and different ways of going about things for ourselves. I'll figure out my way forward. 

[serialmonogamist]

I also feel it is this time of the year for me which is clouding a lot of things. I am sure everyone knows what season it is so I do not need to point that out. Every year this is a really difficult time for me. It signifies loss and a lot of it at this time of year. It may be the past but there are anniversaries. I also am not privileged and have not been so going on year four now to be able to see any family nor contact them. (Estranged) I have zero family. Not even extended family. I do not have any friends yet, still re-building and even if I had friends I would not feel comfortable encroaching on their Christmas. It is just going to have to be one day at a time for me and when that is too much, just one minute at a time. I am exhausted, it has been a big year this year. I have to deal with it all in my own way. I just think this is clouding things. 

[catfeeder]

Just now, serialmonogamist said:

Thanks for sharing your experience. We all have different personalities and different ways of going about things for ourselves. I'll figure out my way forward. 

Certainly, you will. I just hoped you might view these instances through a less personal and possibly less upsetting lens by hearing from someone who adopts 'snow plow mode' when encountering such barriers.

I guess my point is that we get to choose how much power we'll lend to others to upset us even when that is not likely their intention. You raised ideas of quitting two things that meant something to you, and it's my hope that you'll reconsider and remind yourself of your resilience, instead.

Head high, and wishing you better days.

[serialmonogamist]

24 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Certainly, you will. I just hoped you might view these instances through a less personal and possibly less upsetting lens by hearing from someone who adopts 'snow plow mode' when encountering such barriers.

I guess my point is that we get to choose how much power we'll lend to others to upset us even when that is not likely their intention. You raised ideas of quitting two things that meant something to you, and it's my hope that you'll reconsider and remind yourself of your resilience, instead.

Head high, and wishing you better days.

I don't know what to say. It's just not a good day. Thanks for your input. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Certainly, you will. I just hoped you might view these instances through a less personal and possibly less upsetting lens by hearing from someone who adopts 'snow plow mode' when encountering such barriers.

I guess my point is that we get to choose how much power we'll lend to others to upset us even when that is not likely their intention. You raised ideas of quitting two things that meant something to you, and it's my hope that you'll reconsider and remind yourself of your resilience, instead.

Head high, and wishing you better days.

I think this is a really healthful approach especially during the holidays with the increased interactions around deliveries, work deadlines, vacation requests, and on and on. It's exhausting and frustrating.

Boltnrun -wasn't sure how to do the @ thing -sorry - I was so upset on your behalf about your name!!! That is awful. Demeaning.  And I am bad at names so either I repeat it silently to myself or ask politely next time for it to be repeated -with apologies.  My friend's daughter is Mia - I mispronounced it twice as Maya -and my friend politely said to me -oh it's Mia - she will answer to Maya but not all the time.  She understood that I know many more Mayas than Mias and I still felt badly.  I have not made that mistake again but honestly I had to catch myself once or twice when texting the mom and referring to Mia.

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think this is a really healthful approach especially during the holidays with the increased interactions around deliveries, work deadlines, vacation requests, and on and on. It's exhausting and frustrating.

Boltnrun -wasn't sure how to do the @ thing -sorry - I was so upset on your behalf about your name!!! That is awful. Demeaning.  And I am bad at names so either I repeat it silently to myself or ask politely next time for it to be repeated -with apologies.  My friend's daughter is Mia - I mispronounced it twice as Maya -and my friend politely said to me -oh it's Mia - she will answer to Maya but not all the time.  She understood that I know many more Mayas than Mias and I still felt badly.  I have not made that mistake again but honestly I had to catch myself once or twice when texting the mom and referring to Mia.

I felt (and still feel) what that woman did was deliberate. No way could I tell her my name is "Linda" and literally two minutes later she introduces me as "Lorraine". And does it again immediately after I corrected her again. I can't fathom why that is, but she obviously had some kind of issue with me. It was especially upsetting because at that event I not only got the local news channel to feature our group and got her an on air interview (which she did terribly at, she giggled throughout the entire segment) but I made a major sale that helped the group's funding tremendously. Why be rude to someone who's being effective and helpful just because of  something petty?

OP, I feel you're going through a difficult time overall and I'm sure everything is amplified. It's also frustrating when it's the holiday season and people are focused on that when you just need to get things done. I hope you're able to get the information you need so you won't have to give up on things that are important to you.

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No way could I tell her my name is "Linda" and literally two minutes later she introduces me as "Lorraine". And does it again immediately after I corrected her again.

That is just bizarre -other than if she knew someone named "Lorraine" and it kept coming out -but then she'd know and apologize!!

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That is just bizarre -other than if she knew someone named "Lorraine" and it kept coming out -but then she'd know and apologize!!

She never apologized. Just giggled. And then did it again a minute later. And said it aggressively "This is LORRAINE" shouting and looking directly at me. I'm not shy so I'd shout "Hi, I'm LINDA"  (obviously I'm not using my real name but you get the point). She was angry about being corrected is my only conclusion. Even though I was polite about it. Some people just hate being corrected.

[mylolita]

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

I also feel it is this time of the year for me which is clouding a lot of things. I am sure everyone knows what season it is so I do not need to point that out. Every year this is a really difficult time for me. It signifies loss and a lot of it at this time of year. It may be the past but there are anniversaries. I also am not privileged and have not been so going on year four now to be able to see any family nor contact them. (Estranged) I have zero family. Not even extended family. I do not have any friends yet, still re-building and even if I had friends I would not feel comfortable encroaching on their Christmas. It is just going to have to be one day at a time for me and when that is too much, just one minute at a time. I am exhausted, it has been a big year this year. I have to deal with it all in my own way. I just think this is clouding things. 

If I knew you in real life, and I spoke to you a decent amount, and I knew you were going to be alone at Christmas, you would have an invite with bells on and you would have to tell me 5 times no before I stopped hotly stalking you for Christmas dinner! 
 

This is probably a typical ENFP response apologies introvert my dear! LOL!

 

You’ll find your own way round navigating everything. This time of year is reflective, sometimes tough, especially New Year. Never enjoyed New Year much ever. My best New Year was spent in a copper bath tub with the hubby after the kids had gone to bed with a glass of something! 
 

Personally, my own experience with awkward people or situations I don’t like, I’ve kind of developed for myself is when someone does something that really seriously gets too me; I just tell them, to their face. But I realise everyone deals with this stuff differently. I used to beat around the bush in my 20s, I’ve let that go in my 30s and have become a bit unapologetic as well (I had the reverse bad habit of eternally apologising for anything and everything, it became habitual when I was about 12-15). 
 

I personally think people have to earn your approval and respect. I don’t think it deserves to be automatically given.

 

You will get there, I’m still trying myself. Life as a journey ay! What the heck! 
 

Have a lovely Christmas if you can x

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I felt (and still feel) what that woman did was deliberate. No way could I tell her my name is "Linda" and literally two minutes later she introduces me as "Lorraine". And does it again immediately after I corrected her again. I can't fathom why that is, but she obviously had some kind of issue with me. It was especially upsetting because at that event I not only got the local news channel to feature our group and got her an on air interview (which she did terribly at, she giggled throughout the entire segment) but I made a major sale that helped the group's funding tremendously. Why be rude to someone who's being effective and helpful just because of  something petty?

OP, I feel you're going through a difficult time overall and I'm sure everything is amplified. It's also frustrating when it's the holiday season and people are focused on that when you just need to get things done. I hope you're able to get the information you need so you won't have to give up on things that are important to you.

She was definitely doing it deliberately! 
 

x

[serialmonogamist]

16 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I felt (and still feel) what that woman did was deliberate. No way could I tell her my name is "Linda" and literally two minutes later she introduces me as "Lorraine". And does it again immediately after I corrected her again. I can't fathom why that is, but she obviously had some kind of issue with me. It was especially upsetting because at that event I not only got the local news channel to feature our group and got her an on air interview (which she did terribly at, she giggled throughout the entire segment) but I made a major sale that helped the group's funding tremendously. Why be rude to someone who's being effective and helpful just because of  something petty?

OP, I feel you're going through a difficult time overall and I'm sure everything is amplified. It's also frustrating when it's the holiday season and people are focused on that when you just need to get things done. I hope you're able to get the information you need so you won't have to give up on things that are important to you.

Thank you boltnrun.

[serialmonogamist]

14 hours ago, mylolita said:

If I knew you in real life, and I spoke to you a decent amount, and I knew you were going to be alone at Christmas, you would have an invite with bells on and you would have to tell me 5 times no before I stopped hotly stalking you for Christmas dinner! 
 

This is probably a typical ENFP response apologies introvert my dear! LOL!

 

You’ll find your own way round navigating everything. This time of year is reflective, sometimes tough, especially New Year. Never enjoyed New Year much ever. My best New Year was spent in a copper bath tub with the hubby after the kids had gone to bed with a glass of something! 
 

Personally, my own experience with awkward people or situations I don’t like, I’ve kind of developed for myself is when someone does something that really seriously gets too me; I just tell them, to their face. But I realise everyone deals with this stuff differently. I used to beat around the bush in my 20s, I’ve let that go in my 30s and have become a bit unapologetic as well (I had the reverse bad habit of eternally apologising for anything and everything, it became habitual when I was about 12-15). 
 

I personally think people have to earn your approval and respect. I don’t think it deserves to be automatically given.

 

You will get there, I’m still trying myself. Life as a journey ay! What the heck! 
 

Have a lovely Christmas if you can x

Thank you for the thought of a potential invite for Christmas dinner with a lot of IFS 🙂

I seem to have hit a quiet spot in myself. Probably to cope with the overwhelm I am feeling, the emotions and such. I discovered last night that my uncle may be missing. I have been somewhat frantically (around my life) trying to make further inquiries as to assess the truth of the situation. He lives in a whole other continent across the world from me so that makes things a little more challenging. Will try not to let it overtake me and my life. One day at a time. 

I hope you have a good Christmas as well. 

[Batya33]

Has your uncle ever gone missing before? I hope he is ok and I hope today is a better day.

[serialmonogamist]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Has your uncle ever gone missing before? I hope he is ok and I hope today is a better day.

Not that I know of? I'm just trying to manage keeping myself in check. I'm exceptionally exhausted from meetings and other things on today so I'm going to bed and switching off.  Thank you for your care and concern. Much appreciated.