Dating My Ex After Breaking Up for 2 Months.

[girltalkCA]

Back in June, I broke up with my ex after 3.5 years. This was our 2nd break-up. Even though our relationship wasn't able to gain momentum as far as us living together and developing a life together, we are compatible in many ways (good communication, laugh/have fun, get each other share, vulnerable with each other...etc), have a very good friendship, and love each other very much. She is bipolar, on medication and doing ECT. Her dr says she is "stable" but it is yet to be seen how stable once she goes off the ECT maintenance and is able to get her life back on track (i.e. get a job, support herself, deal with stress etc...). For the last 1-2 years she has been recovering from a manic and very bad depressive episode this last year.  Her brother also passed of an overdose 2 years ago and her mother is an alcoholic, in denial, and she sees her mother going down a similar path as her brother which is incredibly scary and re-traumatizing.  She and her dad are trying to get her  mother into rehab but have been unsuccessful so far.  As a result, my ex's life has been consumed with dealing with family issues and not being able to focus on her own life, let alone our "relationship" or even dating for that matter.

About 3 months ago, my ex reached out to me after our breakup (she's done this before) and we ended up "dating" again. There is a part of me that, even though I love her beyond belief and I know she loves me very much, I know we can't be in a relationship because we've already been down that path for 3 + years and it didn't work.  I've tried to tell my ex that we can try to "be friends" but she continuously says she doesn't think she can because of the love and attraction we have.  This breaks my heart, because I want to have her in my life and desperately trying to find a way to have it so we can be in each other's lives in a healthier way and not hold the other back from seeking out what is best for each one. That's why we are stuck in a dating situation but frankly, it's going nowhere and as a 49 year old woman, I'm at the place where my time is so precious and I need to focus on things that will help me get to where I want to be. But I also have tried to end it twice with her, cold turkey, no contact, and it hasn't worked.

Lately, I have been feeling very alone, sad, frustrated with myself for repeating cycles. I also feel like at 49, it is difficult to find a partner, being gay makes it even harder.  I feel like the single people in my dating pool are there for a reason, because they just aren't able to, for whatever reasons, be in a long term/healthy relationship, damaged goods. Maybe that's why I continue to spend time in this relationship. Because I feel like there are no other good options out there. I know this situation can't continue much longer and the thought of going through yet another heartbreak re triggers the trauma all over. 

Has anyone experienced anything similar and can offer some advice on what to do/how to move forward?

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, girltalkCA said:

Lately, I have been feeling very alone, sad, frustrated with myself for repeating cycles. I also feel like at 49, it is difficult to find a partner, being gay makes it even harder.  I feel like the single people in my dating pool are there for a reason, because they just aren't able to, for whatever reasons, be in a long term/healthy relationship, damaged goods. Maybe that's why I continue to spend time in this relationship. Because I feel like there are no other good options out there.

That is not a very good reason to be in a relationship. Especially not a good reason to settle for a somebody with a slew of mental health issues and very troublesome family history. Its better to be alone then to settle for somebody like that. 

Your dating pool is maybe not that big. But you are scrapping the bottom of the barrel when you are settling with somebody who cant even maintain a job. Let her deal with her own problems. Fear of being alone is not the reason to destroy your own life with somebody like that within it.

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, girltalkCA said:

she continuously says she doesn't think she can because of the love and attraction we have

That's HER problem. Don't allow her to prey on you and drag you to her level. 

YOU need to move on. As long as you don't move on, you are losing your time and energy on finding the right match.

Please block her everywhere. It's time for you to go back to the dating scene with no ex attachments nor baggage. Put yourself out there and forget about that ex. She should be history by now.

You need to move forward in your life, not backwards.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I can relate to loving someone so much that it’s beyond being a lover, it feels rooted in your DNA, like they are your family.

 I had to rationalize, lots of families need to tough-love a member into self care and self sufficiency, regardless of the heartbreak, because its the right thing to do for that person, and it’s the right thing to do for each impacted family member.

So that is why doing it for yourself is the opposite of selfish, because it’s the opposite of enabling her to use you as her life support.

The problem with putting a loved one on life support isn’t the decision to do that, it’s how to take them off.

So my suggestion to do so doesn’t come without an understanding of how difficult that is. It just speaks from the hindsight that knows you can grieve the loss and choose to heal with a forward-focused vision, even while a part of you still loves the person.

Some people are best loved from far away.

 

[girltalkCA]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you. I can relate to loving someone so much that it’s beyond being a lover, it feels rooted in your DNA, like they are your family.

 I had to rationalize, lots of families need to tough-love a member into self care and self sufficiency, regardless of the heartbreak, because its the right thing to do for that person, and it’s the right thing to do for each impacted family member.

So that is why doing it for yourself is the opposite of selfish, because it’s the opposite of enabling her to use you as her life support.

The problem with putting a loved one on life support isn’t the decision to do that, it’s how to take them off.

 

You hit the nail on the head.  I do feel like she is more like family. We understand and love each other in so many ways and we truly want each other in our lives. When she is healthy and not being sucked down into drama and family emeshment, we have the potential to be so good together. Unfortunatly, it just seems like we are in an endless cycle and she doesn't seem open to being just friends. I don't even know if that is possible at this point. We've broken up twice, both times I never expected to see or talk with her again. She is the one who continues to initiate reconnection. I almost wish there was some sort of rehab I could go to to detach from all of this. Allow myself the time and space to move one for good!

[boltnrun]

59 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

When she is healthy and not being sucked down into drama and family emeshment, we have the potential to be so good together.

But that's the way she is.  You would have to not only accept but embrace all of her, not just parts of her.

1 hour ago, girltalkCA said:

I almost wish there was some sort of rehab I could go to to detach from all of this. Allow myself the time and space to move one for good!

Therapy is a great tool to use to find out what it is about you that's unhealthy and attracted to this dynamic.  

Are you a member of any LGBTQ groups?  Any clubs or activities?  Where I live there are so many to choose from but I know that's not the way it is everywhere.  Far from it, sadly.  But most larger cities have these groups and hold events.

[girltalkCA]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But that's the way she is.  You would have to not only accept but embrace all of her, not just parts of her.

Therapy is a great tool to use to find out what it is about you that's unhealthy and attracted to this dynamic.  

Are you a member of any LGBTQ groups?  Any clubs or activities?  Where I live there are so many to choose from but I know that's not the way it is everywhere.  Far from it, sadly.  But most larger cities have these groups and hold events.

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But that's the way she is.  You would have to not only accept but embrace all of her, not just parts of her.

Therapy is a great tool to use to find out what it is about you that's unhealthy and attracted to this dynamic.  

Are you a member of any LGBTQ groups?  Any clubs or activities?  Where I live there are so many to choose from but I know that's not the way it is everywhere.  Far from it, sadly.  But most larger cities have these groups and hold events.

You make a good point. That I would need to accept ALL of her, not just parts. I do see a therapist and make a point to stay active in the LGBTQ community. Fortunately, I live in SoCal so it's pretty diverse out here.

 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, girltalkCA said:

 

 

1 hour ago, girltalkCA said:

You make a good point. That I would need to accept ALL of her, not just parts. I do see a therapist and make a point to stay active in the LGBTQ community. Fortunately, I live in SoCal so it's pretty diverse out here.

Does your therapist think reconnecting with your ex is a healthy decision?

Have you even given yourself a chance to meet new people? Or do you just compare everyone to your ex?

Keep in mind, some people get addicted to the adrenaline rush of an up and down rollercoaster relationship. They mistake anxiety for love. They find secure, consistent and loving partners "unexciting" and say they "lack spark". They actually crave unpredictability and chaos.