Advice/insights please on my new date

[wheredowegonow]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going through something very similar. As I'm trying to find answers to my situation on this very website, I'm beginning to realize, guys always know when they are leading someone on. I think he should have been honest and upfront with you the minute he knew his scene clearly. 

[Cherylyn]

23 hours ago, Yostina said:

Thank you for your insight. I agree, he should’ve been honest about it from the start, but it seems that he didn’t want to risk that I might tell him off. Still, he was not honest and that doesn’t change the fact. And like you said, too much absence with even no real future plan or clear intentions is just not gonna work. He is a busy guy and too much going on around him and he moves a lot to many countries and one day the contact will obviously be cut by itself so why drag things and get more feelings involved. Better do it now.

Deceit, dishonesty and not being forthright from the beginning means he's stringing you along according to his convenience and preferences,  not yours which is a big character deflect and flaw.  Better to know now than prolong an unsuccessful relationship.  I'm sorry.  He's not worth your time, energy, resources, brain space and heart.  Move on.

[Yostina]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I feel my responsibility as an adult who interacts with people is never to take this passive approach. Your feelings are your feelings -the feelings from being "impacted" -but you are not a victim of your feelings -make different choices despite this "impact' - by analogy, victims of abuse seek therapy to help them change their perspective and interact with individuals in a healthful way. It  takes "time and effort" -don't indulge in those throwaway cliches instead take actions each day to show yourself  you're not going to be passive. 

You are not a victim of abuse (if the trauma feels that way to you maybe you are -I do not know and if so I am sorry!!)  but whether you do counseling or do it on your own you choose how it impacts you -if at all.

For approximately 10 years I was told again and again how I was too picky/how I was "carefree" because I was "still single", how why couldn't I find a husband if my sister had married in her early 20s and been "sure" about her love for him, how my clock was ticking, men would want someone younger than me, I was intimidating because of my professional successes, on and on. I was told this in my 20s too since my sister was older and found her prince charming/now her ex husband in her early 20s.

How did I let it impact me?

I chose my goal -I kept my eye on the prize -I took well-meaning comments to heart and made certain changes - I reacted to the negative experiences and the impact and  the mindset by knowing I wanted a husband and a chance at a family and I wanted to be in love, committed to someone who felt the same -I wasn't going to settle for less.

he week before I reconnected with my now husband - I was almost 39-  a very well-known matchmaker got on the phone with me when I called to ask her staff to please stop sending me misleading invitations to parties that were not "free" and she said -before she hung up on me -"good luck meeting a man in [our city]."

So ironically my future husband was visiting our city and had grown up there but no longer lived there lol.  

You choose how it's going to impact -you are not a victim and pity parties are not a good look so have your victimhood pity party maybe 5-10 minutes a day if you're really feeling badly - a specific time -then move on by leading a fun and fulfilling life -whatever that means - I see you want to do that which is great.

To me it meant (especially from 2001-2005) , social activities with like minded people, a monthly book club, a women's dinner group for professional and personal networking, weekly volunteer work at a local shelter, singles events at my place of worship, working my behind off at my career and sometimes socializing with coworkers, travel to beach resorts often by myself, meeting men through dating sites, set ups, and all the ways I listed led me to meeting men too. 

(My purpose in volunteer work at the homeless shelter was not to meet men -it was triggered by 9-11 - I had been doing various forms of volunteer work from 1981 and on - but going to the shelter was a choice based on the tragic events and knowing people who had lost people).  There was actually one volunteer who was very nice and wanted to date me but I was already with my future husband by that time).

You have to be proactive not passive and live a positive life through your actions -not through affirmations (those work too in conjunction but simply repeating stuff isn't going to do it). 

I struggled with dating, I knew I didn't want to be single the rest of my life.  I was certainly impacted by tons of negativity being single and dating in my 30s especially and I made choices so that I was in a positive mindset and approached people individually and trusted from a position of confidence and reasonable boundaries. 

My husband would never have dated me again let alone married me if I'd been the victim of what I believed I saw around me and chose to have negative barriers up. 

Good luck and I am glad you want to make changes!  I hope you enjoy your career -I know of people whose career requires them to be on social media a lot and I see it can be a lot of work/draining at times.  

Everything you wrote is 100% true. I really love your approach to life and I hope I can reach to this point very soon. I was never this negative, depressed or anxious before I met my ex-fiance. There was extreme emotional abuse and at times it felt like it would get physical too. It really sabotaged me to the point that I didn't even know myself, but since the day we broke up I took a serious decision to not dwell on the breakup and let it take a toll on me. I already wasted 8 years of my life so I'm never adding not even one day more to waste. I started making a lot of changes in my lifestyle, I'm taking very well care of my health. I started to work on my dreams that were buried because of him, I'm making a lot of new connections. I still need to be more open to socializing with people and do more activities as I'm more of an introvert and have a hard time socializing, but I'm working on it. I'm truly taking actions to better and I'm getting rid of every negative thing in my life and I don't want to settle for less than what I want and believe I deserve. I too want a family and to get married and unless the person wants the same and is ready for that, I'm not going to waste my time with them anymore.

Once again, thanks so much. I truly appreciate your words and encouragement and I'm taking your advice to heart.

 

[Yostina]

16 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Your point of view is interesting to me. My husband (and yes, he's a man lol) was the one who wanted commitment leading to marriage. He said he wanted to be married and have a family. I was more hesitant because we were so young (20 and 19) but he said he always knew he wanted a wife and children.

No, those types of men are not super rare. It's just a matter of where they are. They generally are not trolling women's social media profiles and sending unsolicited messages. 

You seem to be backsliding into wanting to stay attached to him. I hope not, because this doesn't have the potential to turn into a serious, committed relationship. He seems to be the type who has several women on a string, hence the delayed responses to your messages. He's got other women to respond to. And likely local women he's seeing as well.

Don't sell yourself short.

Thank you for your insight. I was hesitant, but not anymore. Everything is so clear to me now and I took the decision to get him off of my head and focus myself and goals at the moment. I hope one day I meet a good man who wants marriage and commitment.

[Yostina]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Deceit, dishonesty and not being forthright from the beginning means he's stringing you along according to his convenience and preferences,  not yours which is a big character deflect and flaw.  Better to know now than prolong an unsuccessful relationship.  I'm sorry.  He's not worth your time, energy, resources, brain space and heart.  Move on.

Agree 100%. I'll close that chapter and move on. Thanks a lot.

[Yostina]

14 hours ago, wheredowegonow said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going through something very similar. As I'm trying to find answers to my situation on this very website, I'm beginning to realize, guys always know when they are leading someone on. I think he should have been honest and upfront with you the minute he knew his scene clearly. 

Totally right. This type of men know they are leading someone on because they are doing it according to their terms and convenience. I'm refusing to give in to this so I'll just shut him off. Have no time to waste on someone who is not ready for a commitment and does not even know when and where he will be! I hope you too prioritize yourself and take the right decision in your case. It's totally not worth it. Thank you for sharing your insight.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Yostina said:

Everything you wrote is 100% true. I really love your approach to life and I hope I can reach to this point very soon. I was never this negative, depressed or anxious before I met my ex-fiance. There was extreme emotional abuse and at times it felt like it would get physical too. It really sabotaged me to the point that I didn't even know myself, but since the day we broke up I took a serious decision to not dwell on the breakup and let it take a toll on me. I already wasted 8 years of my life so I'm never adding not even one day more to waste. I started making a lot of changes in my lifestyle, I'm taking very well care of my health. I started to work on my dreams that were buried because of him, I'm making a lot of new connections. I still need to be more open to socializing with people and do more activities as I'm more of an introvert and have a hard time socializing, but I'm working on it. I'm truly taking actions to better and I'm getting rid of every negative thing in my life and I don't want to settle for less than what I want and believe I deserve. I too want a family and to get married and unless the person wants the same and is ready for that, I'm not going to waste my time with them anymore.

Once again, thanks so much. I truly appreciate your words and encouragement and I'm taking your advice to heart.

 

I am so very sorry about what you went through.  The only slight analogy is how long it took me not to be scared of all dogs after I was bitten in 1992.  Years. 

That is fantastic all the actions you are taking - it's really not about "hope" as almost all of these changes as you see are in your control.  We all have negative things in our lives- it's more about how we react to those things and how we balance those  things against other things and our mindset in general.  Nothing to "admire" about me -I had my eye on the prize, I saw what I needed to do to increase my chances of winning the lottery. 

Ironically I'd had the worst (second) date the night before my husband and I reconnected after years for a platonic catch up dinner -we'd even been engaged in the past- we'd been talking about meeting up but he had an opening that night, asked that morning right after the date from the night before finally stopped sending me harassing emails.  I thought -hmmmm - ok - at least he won't ask me about my dating life so I'll get a break from this negative crap. 

Also I wasn't dressed for a date (neither was he and he went to the wrong restaurant at first so he was late and sweaty) and didn't consider it a date (it wasn't) and perhaps because I was so dressed down and dating-fried I was more open and mushy to feeling the really surprising sparks that flew that night.  That neither of us acknowledged or acted on. 

Definitely something to that -I wasn't in a "positive" way about dating that day -so maybe having no stakes in the outcome of a platonic dinner with my ex fiancee meant I at least felt neutral if not positive about interacting with him.  Maybe approaching meeting new people or strangers you first contact online with that mindset- it's just a pleasant first meet with a stranger and if it ends up being pleasant it's a win, if we both see potential to see each other again we'll make it happen.  I know, easier said than done!

Also you treating your health as a priority -and for me I keep that as simple and basic as possible so I can maintain my health - drinking lots of water, preparing to get more sleep if possible, 4-7-8 breathing especially when my teenager pushes my buttons, daily cardio exercise (a must, essential, including when we're traveling), portion control to maintain my weight, etc - I don't go for trends or expensive anything because in my life none of those is sustainable and often those trends are pretty unhealthy. 

Food is mood and sleep deprivation is so awful for me in particular so I'm glad you're also focused on health.  It will help you make better choices and likely keep your body in better shape when you are ready to try to conceive.  Good luck!

[Yostina]

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I am so very sorry about what you went through.  The only slight analogy is how long it took me not to be scared of all dogs after I was bitten in 1992.  Years. 

That is fantastic all the actions you are taking - it's really not about "hope" as almost all of these changes as you see are in your control.  We all have negative things in our lives- it's more about how we react to those things and how we balance those  things against other things and our mindset in general.  Nothing to "admire" about me -I had my eye on the prize, I saw what I needed to do to increase my chances of winning the lottery. 

Ironically I'd had the worst (second) date the night before my husband and I reconnected after years for a platonic catch up dinner -we'd even been engaged in the past- we'd been talking about meeting up but he had an opening that night, asked that morning right after the date from the night before finally stopped sending me harassing emails.  I thought -hmmmm - ok - at least he won't ask me about my dating life so I'll get a break from this negative crap. 

Also I wasn't dressed for a date (neither was he and he went to the wrong restaurant at first so he was late and sweaty) and didn't consider it a date (it wasn't) and perhaps because I was so dressed down and dating-fried I was more open and mushy to feeling the really surprising sparks that flew that night.  That neither of us acknowledged or acted on. 

Definitely something to that -I wasn't in a "positive" way about dating that day -so maybe having no stakes in the outcome of a platonic dinner with my ex fiancee meant I at least felt neutral if not positive about interacting with him.  Maybe approaching meeting new people or strangers you first contact online with that mindset- it's just a pleasant first meet with a stranger and if it ends up being pleasant it's a win, if we both see potential to see each other again we'll make it happen.  I know, easier said than done!

Also you treating your health as a priority -and for me I keep that as simple and basic as possible so I can maintain my health - drinking lots of water, preparing to get more sleep if possible, 4-7-8 breathing especially when my teenager pushes my buttons, daily cardio exercise (a must, essential, including when we're traveling), portion control to maintain my weight, etc - I don't go for trends or expensive anything because in my life none of those is sustainable and often those trends are pretty unhealthy. 

Food is mood and sleep deprivation is so awful for me in particular so I'm glad you're also focused on health.  It will help you make better choices and likely keep your body in better shape when you are ready to try to conceive.  Good luck!

It's really very helpful to read this. I'm just trying to not rush when it comes to learning from all the negative experiences I've had in my life, rather take my time to seriously understand what went wrong and my mistakes to be able to make a change and apply those lessons. One thing I need to work more on is to not have expectations from anything or anyone because that's what truly disappoints me. I tend to live stories in my head as I'm very emotional to the point that I hate it, but yeh I'm slowly getting better at this too. Best things happen unplanned and I pray one day I will meet someone who is both right and ready for me. Thanks so much once again and best of luck to you too!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Yostina said:

 Best things happen unplanned and I pray one day I will meet someone who is both right and ready for me. 

Hi. I somewhat disagree with this and leaving everything to chance.

You can make plans that help you achieve goals. Being passive and letting the wind blow you any which way is how these last two disappointing situations happened. Allowing yourself to get drawn in by randoms who slide into your DMs.

You can't "plan" to meet Mr Right, per se, but you can position yourself for better success in meeting people and dating. 

Get a good profile and pics on paid quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local interested men in person.

Join some groups and clubs. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Broaden your social horizons.

Just as you need a plan to get a job, house and anything else worthwhile, you'll need a good effective strategy to meeting men. Those who just fall in your lap aren't necessarily worthwhile.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Yostina said:

One thing I need to work more on is to not have expectations from anything or anyone because that's what truly disappoints me

Of course you can have realistic expectations. If a man asked me out for a date- time and place -I expected that he'd show up unless there was an emergency.

My good friend offered to lend my son camping equipment. I expect she'll be reliable and make good on her promise as she's done many times in the past several years. I have another former good friend who messages me every couple of months "we should catch up by phone -when is good for you?"  And she never calls or follows up. Last 5 years. 

So in the past couple of years I simply put the ball back in her court, tell her when I'm free and fully expect I won't hear back. 

When I was dating my future husband and he said he'd call to make a plan, that he bought my plane ticket, that he wanted to plan a vacation, I expected he'd follow through ..

When I met strangers for first meets and it went well and there was no time and place plan for another date my expectation was that if he wanted to see me again he'd call and plan a date.  I didn't expect that he would.  I put it out of my mind and moved on even if the first meet went well.  Because without that plan there was no next date.

You cannot live normally if you want a social life and to date with "no" expectations -you have to do the hard work of having realistic ones.  If you have none you will come across as a distant and probably negatively inclined person - or you will avoid interactions because you don't want to trigger "any" expectations.  To me that's no way to live.  It's harder to work on realistic expectations but worth the effort IMO.

I didn't have the privilege to passively wait for "when you least expect it" as I was in my 30s and my clock was ticking.  I didn't feel that way in my 20s either -marriage was one of my top three life goals. 

But my story with my husband can be told that way for sure!  I don't though -I found it crucial to plan my spare free time so that I maximized my opportunities for a social life, to network, to meet people, to look my best.  Love doesn't find you in that sense. The loving in a relationship is mostly giving -loving is giving - sometimes giving space, sometimes giving caring, etc.  And you find a person you desire to love, IMO by never settling, never being desperate, but being proactive about meeting people and making yourself approachable and available.  

[Yostina]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hi. I somewhat disagree with this and leaving everything to chance.

You can make plans that help you achieve goals. Being passive and letting the wind blow you any which way is how these last two disappointing situations happened. Allowing yourself to get drawn in by randoms who slide into your DMs.

You can't "plan" to meet Mr Right, per se, but you can position yourself for better success in meeting people and dating. 

Get a good profile and pics on paid quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local interested men in person.

Join some groups and clubs. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Broaden your social horizons.

Just as you need a plan to get a job, house and anything else worthwhile, you'll need a good effective strategy to meeting men. Those who just fall in your lap aren't necessarily worthwhile.

Of course, I agree with you. I just meant that I don't want to do things for the sake of finding a man. I would love to be a proactive person and make those changes for myself and if I meet someone on my way then it would feel so good this way as it happened naturally.

[Yostina]

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Of course you can have realistic expectations. If a man asked me out for a date- time and place -I expected that he'd show up unless there was an emergency.

My good friend offered to lend my son camping equipment. I expect she'll be reliable and make good on her promise as she's done many times in the past several years. I have another former good friend who messages me every couple of months "we should catch up by phone -when is good for you?"  And she never calls or follows up. Last 5 years. 

So in the past couple of years I simply put the ball back in her court, tell her when I'm free and fully expect I won't hear back. 

When I was dating my future husband and he said he'd call to make a plan, that he bought my plane ticket, that he wanted to plan a vacation, I expected he'd follow through ..

When I met strangers for first meets and it went well and there was no time and place plan for another date my expectation was that if he wanted to see me again he'd call and plan a date.  I didn't expect that he would.  I put it out of my mind and moved on even if the first meet went well.  Because without that plan there was no next date.

You cannot live normally if you want a social life and to date with "no" expectations -you have to do the hard work of having realistic ones.  If you have none you will come across as a distant and probably negatively inclined person - or you will avoid interactions because you don't want to trigger "any" expectations.  To me that's no way to live.  It's harder to work on realistic expectations but worth the effort IMO.

I didn't have the privilege to passively wait for "when you least expect it" as I was in my 30s and my clock was ticking.  I didn't feel that way in my 20s either -marriage was one of my top three life goals. 

But my story with my husband can be told that way for sure!  I don't though -I found it crucial to plan my spare free time so that I maximized my opportunities for a social life, to network, to meet people, to look my best.  Love doesn't find you in that sense. The loving in a relationship is mostly giving -loving is giving - sometimes giving space, sometimes giving caring, etc.  And you find a person you desire to love, IMO by never settling, never being desperate, but being proactive about meeting people and making yourself approachable and available.  

I totally understand what you're saying. That's exactly the point. I have to work on having realistic expectations instead of living in those stories I create in my head and in my imaginations. I tend to do that a lot. I have to see things as they are and take actions according to this anymore.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Yostina said:

 if I meet someone on my way then it would feel so good this way as it happened naturally.

That's true. You meet people where you are. For example if you volunteered at a hospital, you could meet a doctor but if you are home and online a lot answering DMs, that would be highly unlikely.

So yes, you don't like dating apps, but you can meet people  "naturally" by getting out there and more Involved socially and in some elevated pursuits.

Online dating is similar to seeking say, a house or job.  You would see what's out there. You wouldn't just drive around the neighborhood until something "happens" as far as jobs or homes or waiting for something to fall in your lap.

There is some "success" in not trying because if you don't try, you can't fail, right?

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Yostina said:

I totally understand what you're saying. That's exactly the point. I have to work on having realistic expectations instead of living in those stories I create in my head and in my imaginations. I tend to do that a lot. I have to see things as they are and take actions according to this anymore.

So that's a lovely sentiment -sort of a good mantra- a goal post.  In your daily life get very specific and honest with yourself about what you want to see -what are you seeing and what is "as they are" to you -individually - commanding yourself abstractly to see things as they are is not as effective as dealing with basic common sense in every day situations. 

For example yesterday my 13 year old son threw away a fancy truffle I gave him as a treat for school because he thought he saw a classmate looking at it and he felt self-conscious.  He made up a story in his head that the classmate was critical of what he had in his backpack and that because of that he should get rid of it.  Even if the classmate was being critical -seeing things as they are -didn't mean he had to make up a story that this meant he should discard it so the classmate would approve.  That goes with dating too. 

So if a guy doesn't call you after a first meet or a first date, instead of seeing it as "he didn't call because he probably only wanted sex from me like all men," or "I shouldn't have told him I getting married in the future when he asked me what I was looking for - men don't want to get serious so that was dumb to say" perhaps see it as "it was a first meet, many first meets don't lead to first dates and there's no reason for me to take it personally."  That way you get to move on with a reasonably positive mindset and not with a jaded/bitter story in your head.  

[Tinydance]

Well my guess is you're an attractive woman and that's why that guy randomly messaged you on social media. I think you were right to be careful and not trust him straight away. I usually didn't have good experiences with stranger guys messaging me on social media, which is why I never reply unless we have mutual friends. Usually those guys just wanted a hookup or they were actually already in a relationship.

Personally it doesn't seem to me like this guy wanted a serious relationship with you. It sounds like because of him travelling around a lot that maybe he just wants something more casual. Like, when he's back to casually see someone but when he goes away he's single. He could be seeing other women where he is too. I mean, he actually is single so he can do whatever he wants. That's why I think if you're looking for a relationship then this isn't the right guy for you.

My advice would be to date other guys. I guess if that guy comes back and you don't mind just casually enjoying his company, then you could see him. With him travelling though it probably wouldn't be a serious relationship. Also the fact that he doesn't message you often probably means he's not thinking of you as much.