Tell me your getting back together stories!

[aceofspades]

I came here to hear your stories. I'll tell mine first which will explain why I want to hear yours. My boyfriend (23M) and I (23F) met online a long time ago and were best friends for quite a while. When we started dating we were very sure of things very quickly (because we knew each other so well). We knew from the beginning we wanted to marry each other and even spent time planning wedding stuff/looking at rings. We moved in together after dating for 3 months (quick, I know but keep in mind how long we knew each other prior). We had a very sweet and pure love, we just had lots of issues with communication and even finances/chores. We dated for a year and a half and eventually decided to break up for the time being. We love each other immensely, but ultimately we realized we are not mature enough for that serious of a relationship. We wanted to take some time to ourselves to work on our emotional/financial/mental maturity. It is one of the healthiest things I have ever seen in a relationship. We have done our best to be the best friends that we were before until we have worked to become the person that we want to be for each other, and then we can try again. We both agreed that we know deep down we are meant to be together, just not right now. At first we talked ALOT still and hung out some. He explained to me one day that it's really hard for him to process everything when we are still spending so much time together. Told him I completely understand, but that I won't be reaching out because he is the one asking for space so I will allow him to reach out and initiate when he feels ready. He ended up reaching back out a few days later and we have started talking every now and then. We play video games together most nights and call each other if we need something. Things feel decent, we feel like friends again. I want more than anything to get back together, but I know work needs to be done first. I guess I am asking for your stories about breaking up and ending up back together. I think it will be nice and keep my spirits high. Thank you guys in advance! (also if you have any advice for my situation I would be happy to hear it)

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, aceofspades said:

I know work needs to be done first

What work are you both doing? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, aceofspades said:

. We play video games together most nights and call each other if we need something. 

 Sorry this happened. Yes it was too much too soon as far as moving in together, planning weddings and so forth. You both did the right thing stepping back and focusing on getting yourselves more prepared.

Do you both work full-time?  It would be best to work on yourselves individually rather than just segue back and forth between friends and lovers.

On off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of other opportunities. Right now you're both stunting each other's growth and progress by being a security blanket for each other.

You'll have to decide if being in this friendzone limbo is worth it for you. Sooner or later one of you will want to start dating, so this friendship/gaming partner situation will not be sustainable.

[aceofspades]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

What work are you both doing? 

I am in therapy, working on my mental health and attachment issues as well as learning to be less codependent and more comfortable on my own. I am also young so I am working on creating financial stability etc. He is working on his own mental health and financial stability as well as his own attachment issues which sway the other way.

[aceofspades]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry this happened. Yes it was too much too soon as far as moving in together, planning weddings and so forth. You both did the right thing stepping back and focusing on getting yourselves more prepared.

Do you both work full-time?  It would be best to work on yourselves individually rather than just segue back and forth between friends and lovers.

On off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of other opportunities. Right now you're both stunting each other's growth and progress by being a security blanket for each other.

You'll have to decide if being in this friendzone limbo is worth it for you. Sooner or later one of you will want to start dating, so this friendship/gaming partner situation will not be sustainable.

I don't necessarily think we spoke about marriage too soon because we knew and we had known each other a long time. I do however agree we moved in together way too soon. We both know we will end up together and have no interest in dating so it's not really a concern at the moment. We want to stay in each others lives as friends but we are definitely trying to keep the distance necessary to heal. We do both work full time and are genuinely taking as much time as possible to work on ourselves seperately. 

[MissCanuck]

OP, whenever you break up with someone, you need to assume that promises to reunite might mot stick. And it’s not a good idea to commit yourself to that idea or hang your hopes on it. 

Life has a way of changing the goalposts unexpectedly. It’s best that you work on yourself, yes, but also be prepared for this not to end the way you hoped. 

I don’t mean to be a downer, but it’s essential that you are realistic with yourself.

[aceofspades]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

OP, whenever you break up with someone, you need to assume that promises to reunite might mot stick. And it’s not a good idea to commit yourself to that idea or hang your hopes on it. 

Life has a way of changing the goalposts unexpectedly. It’s best that you work on yourself, yes, but also be prepared for this not to end the way you hoped. 

I don’t mean to be a downer, but it’s essential that you are realistic with yourself.

Alot of people have said this, and I understand where they are coming from. It's hard to explain when I may seem so young, how serious I am when I say I know he is the one. I know we will work out in the end, however that may happen. I just came here hoping for some lifted spirits because a break up is hard either way. 

[DarkCh0c0]

23 minutes ago, aceofspades said:

. It's hard to explain when I may seem so young, how serious I am when I say I know he is the one

You wouldn't have needed to break up if he is the one.

It'll take time for you two to build character, new habits, and become the right person as you've mentioned. For that to happen, you might want to take some space for at least a year to allow for some personal development to occur without being influenced by each other.

As @MissCanuckmentioned, keep in mind there are no guarantees just because you've done some work. You both don't owe each other anything.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, aceofspades said:

 . He explained to me one day that it's really hard for him to process everything when we are still spending so much time together. 

 It's understandable you're hurting. You need to relax and reflect and give him room to breathe. You still seem to be over attached and suffocating him.

He wouldn't have ended things if he saw a future with you. There's no such thing as a get back together pact.

[bluecastle]

I came to this forum myself hoping, in effect, that someone would hear my story and confirm that, yup, we were destined to be together despite the knot we found ourselves in. Someone, or someone(s), would share their own story of reconciliation and I would know that mine was out there on the horizon...

And years before that? In the wake of another breakup where I was sure we were meant to reunite, I reached out to an older couple I knew as a teenager—parents of a friend, married for decades—who I knew had once broken up and got back together. I wanted to hear their actual story, in a sense, to validate my own hopes, wishes, beliefs, to say nothing of soften the pain I was in. 

All of which is to say: I can very much relate to what brought you here.

What I've learned—and it took me until I was nearly 40 to learn this—is that there are some very real dangers to holding onto such thoughts for too long. Whatever people mean by phrases like "doing the work," generally speaking, I think, people are talking about learning to live more in the present, rather than straddling the past and future. And when you are hyper-focused on a hypothetical future, like reuniting with an ex, you are inherently removing yourself from the present, freezing yourself in some purgatory between past and future. Things that are frozen, including human spirits, do not grow as needed.

You don't know what your future will be, whether he is part of it or not. That is a very hard and jagged pill to swallow, I know. In writing a story of you two getting back together you get to keep that pain at bay, you skip over it, at least to a degree. But it's a false degree, a kind of suspended animation that can be harder on the spirit, long term, than just letting the pain of the moment move through you completely. It is not permanent. And on the other side of it, I think, you will find what you really want. 

I have personal stories of getting back together with an ex, along with those of friends, and can share in some detail if you're curious. They're a mix of the sweet, the bittersweet, and the sour. The sweetest? It is people who fully let go of the other person and stories of the other person and embraced themselves, in the present. The getting back together, in that context, isn't a reward for "work" or "growth," but just a chapter in the ongoing story of their life. 

Anyhow, take those few cents and spend them how see fit. Letting go is hard, but holding on can be even harder. 

[Lambert]

8 hours ago, aceofspades said:

Alot of people have said this, and I understand where they are coming from. It's hard to explain when I may seem so young, how serious I am when I say I know he is the one. I know we will work out in the end, however that may happen. I just came here hoping for some lifted spirits because a break up is hard either way. 

I'm sorry everyone is bursting your bubble with their advice.  

I think the best thing you can do is push the thoughts that he is the one away.  You're only holding on to something that is distracting you from making good choices. 

As you said, you're young. so don't limit yourself to what you know will happen. If it does, then great but you could be missing out on a lot of fun times with friends and other guys.

All that matters is- you're not together now. Adjust to that. Don't use hope to mask the hurt feelings. because you just never know.  your both saying things that may not hold true and you'll really feel bad if you hold on to this guy and then find out he's dating someone. 

Right now is time for now and feeling bad because it is sad to break up.  Feel sad and stop trying to sugar coat it.  I know that's harsh. I'm really sorry... The only way out, is through... in the long run you gotta be realistic.... healthy, happy couples don't break up. 

Hang in there. Give it time.  Mope a little and cry it out. then get some ice cream and hang with your friends and family... get busy working out or cleaning out a closet or some other project you've been putting off.

Onwards!

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, aceofspades said:

Alot of people have said this, and I understand where they are coming from. It's hard to explain when I may seem so young, how serious I am when I say I know he is the one.

And I would wager that most of us are speaking from experience. 

I think we are just trying to encourage you not to ignore the possibility that this might not go the way you hoped - and that might not be a bad thing, either. Clearly something was not working or it wouldn't have ended. 

[moodindigo91]

14 hours ago, aceofspades said:

We knew from the beginning we wanted to marry each other

14 hours ago, aceofspades said:

We both agreed that we know deep down we are meant to be together

11 hours ago, aceofspades said:

It's hard to explain when I may seem so young, how serious I am when I say I know he is the one. I know we will work out in the end, however that may happen.

I'm sorry for bursting your bubble again, destroying hope. While it is possible for people to breakup and get back together later, usually the getting back together part was an unintentional surprise (for the relationships that work out, that is). I have rarely ever seen a couple (who weren't married and going through the legal process of a trial separation or something like that) intentionally breakup for the purpose of getting back together later and have that actually work out. 

Whenever you breakup, you must assume that it is permanent. You should operate on that assumption thereafter. You should not expect that you will get back together. Even if you did, it could be YEARS from now. A decade, even. Be prepared for that. Don't miss out on opportunities in your life because you're waiting for this guy. You are only 23. 

When I was 23, I was dating a guy who I lived with, etc. We broke up because our relationship was toxic. I even moved out. I posted on here a bunch about it. Later on, I got back together with him, we moved back in together. It did not work out. As a result, I wasted basically my entire 20s on this guy, missed out on a lot of opportunities, including going to law school (which I did much later after leaving him), and missing out on dating who knows how many guys who could have been "the one". 

I know it's hard to imagine right now, but your feelings about him being "the one" will eventually fade away. But the longer you continue communicating with him, the longer it will take for that to happen. Don't waste your 20s on a guy who can't/won't commit. If he was really "the one", you'd be able to "work" on yourselves while remaining together, creating financial stability together, etc. You tried that, and failed.